Defining moments

Do you ever think about moments that changed or shaped your life?  Moments you can't forget?  Instances where you haven't forgiven?

Yesterday my mom and I were talking about things in the past, and high school scars came up (not mine or hers) and it got me thinking about how certain things just stay with us.  And they shape us for better or worse.

I have had a number of instances that changed the course of my life.  My trust was broken, so it made me less trusting; someone died, my innocence was gone.  I can practically remember the smell in the air and the temperature of the day when these things happened.

I remember when my best friend left me for my boyfriend when I was 14.  I didn't know stuff like that happened, but it did, and it ripped my soul out.  When you are 14 those are the only 2 things in your world.  After that time, my trust in women has been skewed.  It hit me years later when I was with my husband and a friend of mine doted on how funny my husband was.  At first I didn't take notice, but as she did it more and more, I started reverting back to that 14 year old girl, because the signs were all the same.  I may as well have been 14 again with my reaction. 

Sometimes these things turn out to be wisdom.  But sometimes, they just hurt.  That situation with my best friend took over 20 years of healing.  For as much as I tried, the pain was too great.  The betrayal was stuck in my soul and forgiveness wasn't in the cards.  It was easier to forgive the boyfriend than the best friend even though they were both at fault.

I can remember the day that I found out my neighbor died.  He was like a grandpa to me.  I felt like his grand daughter.  I used to go to his house and play and talk to him.  His wife had died and he lived alone.  I met him in Kindergarten and now I was in 6th grade when I stood in the front yard of his house.  The people getting out of the car looked at me and I remember as clear as day when I asked them "Are you here to see George?"  and as if in slow motion, I watched the lady getting out of the passengers side look across the car to the driver and back at me and say, "No honey, George died.  Didn't you hear?"  and my response was simply, "Okay, thank you" and I ran home crying.  Never before that moment had I felt that pain.  A void in my heart.  That was the first moment I knew that I would never see someone again.  

People had died before that.  But the concept wasn't clear to me until that moment.  I ran into my dad and as I ran down the hall I remember thinking to myself "if dad tells me to wait I'm going to tell him to shut up" (because my dad was usually in the middle of something).  When I ran in I said, "Dad" and he said, "Ya babe"...

"George Died"

dad turned of the TV and said a bad word.  He knew it was bad and my pain was deep. 

I still see the room and my dads face.  It is so clear.  That moment will never leave me.

My memory for all intents and purposes is not great.  My husband prides himself when he asks me, "Ever day is a new day for you, isn't it?"

But I remember certain things and I remember them well.  Those moments that shaped me for who I am today.   Some of it is wisdom.  Some is pain.  Some Joy. 

If you think back, I'm sure you can find those moments that helped define you.

Some people harbor their past like a shield of excuses for why they can't trust or move forward.  They stay stuck in their past.  And for that I feel bad.   They don't know how to move forward or forgive.

One thing I realized is forgiveness is a gift. And it is a good one. My life is richer since I forgave my friend. As we get older we can find more appreciation in the things that shaped us.

Our past is a tool for the future.  Not a weapon.  It should be used as such.  If used properly, we can move forward. 

And as I always say, you have to know where you came from to know where you are going. 

Happy Thursday.