Outta control

So, my weekend didn't go exactly as planned.  I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I never stopped moving.  It's Tuesday morning, and I'm exhausted.  I need a vacation from our mini vacation. 

Do you ever feel that way?

Saturday, was supposed to be cleaning day.  As it turned out; the girls didn't have dance like they thought, which freed up Aspen to get to a birthday party I really wanted her to attend.  So instead of being home, I ended up running around like a maniac, getting her to her place.  Avery went somewhere else for a sleepover and we had our adult night at a friends.

Sunday was supposed to be the same; but somehow that didn't happen either, and then Monday came. I started getting productive,  but a last minute party was thrown together at a friends and we decided to go, since we hardly ever see any of our friends.

Three days.  Three Non-productive days.

I still look around at all that has to be done.  So much, that it's overwhelming.  BUT.....I can't even take the time to think of it today; because I need to go to the doctor.

Over the last 24 hours, I have come under the weather, and though I have to work (which will be interesting), I need to hit the doctor on the way home.

I hate the thought of needing a doctor EVER!!! I don't have time to be sick, my schedule is too busy and unless push comes to shove....you won't find me there.

But today you will.

I'm sure it's nothing serious, but from what I heard, I'll be needing antibiotics and won't recover unless i get them.  I was up every few hours last night, so all I can say is, "God, please get me through this day". 

In the meantime, I'm downing cranberry juice (unsweetened) and praying things don't get worse!

Grandma has been called to pinch hit for pick up so I can run to Urgent Care and get my meds.

I feel very frustrated, because it's yet another disruption to my day.  But then again, I think it's a good reminder that we are not in control!!!  We have to go with the flow.

As much as we would like to be in the drivers seat, we need to realize that sometimes things don't go as we'd like or plan.  It is a good reminder.  And though I'm not happy that I have to twist and turn to make things happen, I am pretty good at it. 

I hope your day goes according to plan.  Or at least, better than mine!

Happy Tuesday.

A place for everything, everything in its place

I never really got that comment.  I think I have always had so much 'stuff' that there were never enough places for me - ever!

Or.....I'm just disorganized.  (those who know me know me)

I am a visual person.  I have also been called Artistic & Creative.  I'm not sure if those are alternative ways to be called messy, but whatever.  I yam what I yam.....(popeye).

I have been given books: "Time Management for Unmanageable People", magnets: "I'm creative, you can't expect me to be neat too", and little decorative items like construction cones with other various sayings on them. 

Clearly, this isn't new to me.

I do believe there is an answer for me.  But just like being Left-handed (which I am), it's a world that many people do not understand.  I actually had one friend tell me, "I work better in chaos".  I actually felt like she 'got' me.  And then I felt sad.  : (

As I have been looking at my 'stuff' recently, I realized that not only is there no set place for it, I need to be able to put it where I can see it so I know I own it. 

When I put stuff in cupboards (exception-dishes), I don't remember where it is, or if I still have it.  SO.....it serves me better if I can see it out somewhere. 

Now, that said, I realize that this creates piles, which become messy, and things get lost.  THAT is a problem.  So, I need a system that works for (drum roll please)........... ME!!!

I have had "linear" people come and help me many times.  They can see it, literally, in a grid, how my life could be so much better and more organized.  BUT....that is their way.  Not mine.

I know eventually, I will get my act together.  I haven't given up on myself yet.  Just put things on delay, while I take care of my kids and my jobs and my husband (though he'll say he's not on the list).

I think it is very powerful to realize the type of person you are.  We all process things differently and until we realize how we work, it's very difficult to create a plan that fits you!!!

I was well into my 20's before I realized I was a visual learner.  Well into my 30's to realize there were others like me.  And now I'm into my 40's trying to figure out a system for myself. 

So, call me what you will.  I will simply call myself a 'Work in Progress'.  I'm constantly trying new things to see what works and what doesn't.  And being a mom, wife, and employee...it takes a little longer.  But as long as I keep plugging away, I'll get there. 

It just might not be pretty in the meantime.

Happy Monday!

Running with the big dogs

Slept in.

Felt almost as great as yesterday.

But not quite.

Ever go to bed way later than you are used to?   I'm sure not very often as we are all creatures of habit, but I'm sure it happens from time to time.

Funny thing happens when you go to bed later than usual.......your body still tries to wake you up at your "regularly scheduled wakeup time".  Nice, huh?  Then, when you try to go back to sleep...the internal clock keeps nagging at you as though something is definitely wrong.  So any amount of sleep after "RSWUT" is futile! 

But worth it.

Last night I got to go to an "adult" party.  That is; at party without kids.  I haven't been to one of those in quite a while. 

Furthermore, it was with a group of people I only see with a million kids around.  It was the people from my kids' dance studio. 

Our brains are trained from an early age to filter based on the company we keep and the conversation that ensues.  If you are around a person with trailer trash mouth, your filters go way down, and you are free to cuss away. 

Yet, if you are around a very pristine person, you are more likely to 'carefully' select your words, so as not to offend.  As we get older, our filters become more and more sensitve and we are more quickly aware of how to appropriate our conversation based on our surroundings. 

And when you are at a dance studio, all you encounter is parents or dance teachers, and your filters run on high at all times, because you are mixing with many people you only see of 1 hour at a time, and not necessarily every week.  It is conversation at its most pristine.

However.....have a party....mix in dance teachers and parents, and leave kids out, with the understanding that this is an "adult" party....and your filters take some time to adjust.

Just like Pavlov's dog who was trained to salivate when the bell rang (because he was continually exposed to food after the bell), there is an automatic response when you see people on a different level.

You literally find yourself over thinking on how to respond to an "adult" question. 

Case in point; I was playing pool with one of the dance teachers, decided to go refill my beverage quickly, and was immediately thrown into the 'adult' conversation in the kitchen.  It was a quick question that I wasn't expecting to hear and it was definitely 'for adults only'.  I paused before answering.  My filters went on high as I scanned the room for kids.  I almost didn't answer.  Almost...... (I hardly ever don't answer a question).
Before I responded with my 'adult' answer (which was a total TMI response) I asked, "I'm answering as an adult, right?"  And I was met with a resounding YES.......so they got my adult answer and I quickly left the room to finish out my pool game.

It did take a while to adjust my filters to fit into the party.  But a few hours and a bit of alcohol later and there were no filters to be found.  It was such a great night.  Before I knew it, it was 1am, and we decided it was a good time to leave, even though we were not the last to leave.

It's not easy to find a good adult night, and when you do, it's hard to let it go.

I came home giddy.  Not only did we have a great night; I got to "play" with these fabulous people that I see all the time in a 'filtered' way. 

And though my body will pay the price for the late night; it was definitely worth it and I hope to do it again!  But first....I must recover.

Happy Sunday!

We're goin' in.....

Slept in.

Felt great.

Don't get to do that very often.  I was still awakened at  5:30 by birds, but slammed the windows shut cussing at them. ( If you start your day out cussing at birds, your hopes for the day should be low.  )

Unfortunately, I do not have time for low hopes today.  I have lots to do; I have mentally prepared myself for organizing and purging.  Chris will be in the garage working out there, while I will be in the house working in here.

Why not together you ask?  Because I want to stay married!

Some people work really well together, and others work really well in spirit.  I will be cheering him on for his efforts out there, while he will be oblivious to what I am doing in here.  He will be filled with rage and aggravation as he has to touch every last item in the garage, and think to himself, "Why did this even make it to the garage?  It should have gone straight to the trash". 

He has no value on anything.  If he doesn't use it, he has no use for it; it's as good as trash.

Where I look at something and remember what it used to be to me; how I used to love it, my motivation for bringing it into the house and can I make another use for it?

See....it's like oil and vinegar.  They work together...but separately!

Can you imagine us cleaning in the same room together????   It's a nightmare.  We yell, we argue, we shake our heads at each other, and if it gets really ugly, we call each other names!  (not very often, but it's worth buying a ticket). 

When it comes to cleaning day, we have to really work hard (on ourselves) if we have to be in the same room.  When you have two personalities that clash, it's quite a challenge to get anything done!

I wish I had the ability to see things clearly like he does, but I'm usually clouded with emotion, of which he has none.

So, how's it going to work today?  He'll pull every last thing out of the garage and come up every five minutes and say, "I need you to look at something".   I will go downstairs, look at it, we'll argue about it, and then I'll go back up and "not" see what he does with it.  (I'm rolling my eyes as I write).

I wish I could be more clear-headed, but I'm not.  So all I can do is mentally prepare for the day, and get as much done as possible. 

I wouldn't call us (and by us, I mean me and the girls), "Pack Rats".....I would more so call us, "Procrastinator Rats".    We mean to deal with stuff.....just not now.

Well, the girls will be gone until this afternoon, so we are freed up from them intervening, further complicating our efforts.  To them; everything is sacred and nothing should be thrown away.  I hope they aren't terribly shocked when they come home and their world has been turned upside down! 

If they don't see what we are "removing", chances are they will be hard pressed to identify it, and therefore, when it's gone forever....though they will feel a void....they won't know why.... (evil, I know).  But ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right???

Thankfully, my Julie is coming over to be the seasoning in between the oil and vinegar.  She will mediate the arguments between me and Chris.  She understands me...and she knows where Chris is coming from.  So she can guide the vehicles before they become a collision.

I anticipate a productive day.  I have been working it through in my mind for a while now, and I think it's time. If all goes well, I will still be married at the end of the day, and if all goes really well, Chris and I will still like each other. 

I envy people who work really well together, but I have found that no two people are perfect together.  There is always some glitch, no matter how big or small.  Our good side is determination and stubbornness; and I dare say we do respect each other. 

And respect means understanding and accepting our differences.  We don't have to like them....but we accept them.  And you can only work with what you got, right???

Wish us luck!
Happy Saturday!!!

hmphhhhhh

Yesterday I had a discussion with my daughter.  It appears from her perspective, I have some improvements to make.  I’m falling short on promises and not giving them enough of my time.

I had mentioned that we might scrapbook 'soon'.  Maybe Wednesday, is what I said.  At 7pm (one hour before bedtime), when we finally got home and my younger daughter came bouncing in and said, "Let's scrapbook!".  I told her it was too late, and they had to get ready for bed. 

You may as well have smacked her upside the head with a 2x4, because this was NOT okay!  She called me a liar, since I had promised.  She didn’t understand or care that she spent her day on two separate play dates and ‘played’ her scrapbooking chances away.

I realize more and more, how important dialog is at these times.  However, when a child is screaming at you, isn't the best time to...let's say.....chat?

So, the evening went, and my kids went to bed disappointed.  -To say the least.

The next day while driving them from school to each of their appointments, I had the necessary discussion to clear the air.  As my daughter told me that I have no time for them - that I am always in front of my computer "working", she wished I would spend more time doing the things I "promised" and less time in my office.

It is very hard for my kids to understand that when I am home, I am not "free" to do what I wish.  As a photographer, the work comes after the sessions - in the form of many hours of work - while at home - while they kids are there - it has to be done - they don't understand this.

I proceeded to tell my daughter that she is lucky, because my job(S) are flexible and allow me to work, make a little money AND.....(drum roll please) afford them the luxury of dance, and the lifestyle they have so easily become accustomed to. 

I told her it is because I work at my computer, that I can "be home" with them, even though I'm not sitting on their laps while here.

I was so sad, that my kids' perception is that of a mother (and father) who don't have time with them.  They don't understand that we spend more time with them than so many parents I know.  And that we are so much more available to them than they realize. 

By the time I got done telling my daughter the other option (me working 40 hours M-F and no dance for them), my daughter was in tears.  Not my intention, but as I spoke to her, I got a little upset myself.  I was truly hurt. 

We sacrifice so much for our kids (all parents), and they don't....or can't see those sacrifices.  And for that, I have to say, I'm glad.

If kids realized how hard it is to be an adult, and how many sacrifices are necessary, they might not look forward to being a parent.  They might get really bummed.  Or....they might resolve to be more selfish, and never be that way themselves. 

In any way, I believe it's a protective mechanism, and for that I'm thankful.  They should live in bliss for as long as possible.  However....I don't want them thinking I'm a selfish slouch either.  So, I will do my best to talk to them about how hard it is to make some decisions, but we make them out of love and hope that it is the best decision for our family!

They won't get it until they have kids of their own.  But I will continue talking.

Happy Friday!!!  *(And Happy-SAFE Memorial Weekend!!!)

Embrace you!

I love the English language.  It's filled with words that sound so innocent, but they actually carry a lot of damage.

I think most people are trying to find their way in life.  Wouldn't you agree?  We are trying to be something to everyone, as if they are the authority on who we are.

But they aren't.  We are!

So, why do we let others dictate our sense of self worth?  Our boss tells us they need more, our spouses tell us they need more, our kids tell us they need more...and if you laid your foundation right, you have surrounded yourself with people to pick you up after you feel like you are a total FAIL!!!

Okay, you are not a fail, but doesn't it feel that way sometimes???

Lately I have had a lot of "Fail" moments, and I can't help but reflect on myself and what is wrong with ME!!!

Then I came to the conclusion that it isn't me, it's others' perception of me!  They simply want more from me!  The "Just" want one more thing.  One more thing that is quite possibly impossible for me to accomplish.

If I can't accomplish it, I turn it on myself and wonder, what is wrong with me; why can't I "just" do this?

Well, every so often, I get a grain of wisdom, and can actually articulate to the other person (whomever it may be on whatever given day), that I am simply not built that way.  My brain doesn't work like theirs, and therefore my processing is different and their "just" request is impossible for my processor and they will have to either find another person to deal with, or "just" change their request of me to a way I can process it.

An example.  My husband has been trying to explain to me this "thing" that is supposed to make our cell phones our house phones.  The concept is so cool to him, he wants me to buy into it.  I simply cannot fathom what he is talking about.  I told him if it's THAT GREAT.....then go for it.  But he REALLY wants me to understant what it is.  It's taken him 3 attempts to explain to me what it is.

First of all....I "just" don't care.  But that aside, as he explains it; he is very articulate.  It's not him.....I!!!  My brain cannot wrap my mind around what it is, and I literally feel a wall going up in my head that says, "Abort....abort...abort...." And so I told him to stop.  I don't get it and he's wasting his time. 

He walked away shaking his head, because it is such a simple concept.  To him!!!  Not to me.  In years past, I would have thought myself an idiot.  But the truth is...I'm just different and process things differently.  That is all!!! 

We all have our gifts in life.  ALL OF US!!!  We JUST handle it all differently.  And that is the beauty of YOU!  There is no one like  you.  You are like your thumbprint.  Unique....different....beautiful. 

We need to accept that we have our own ways to cope, our own ways to love, our own sense of humor, our own crazy aspects...we are different.  Not stupid.  Just different. 

The beauty in life, or rather the gift...is to be able to find out who YOU are.  And what makes YOU tick.  No one can put that upon you.  No one!  We are driven by what is inside US.  And no one can see or feel that but US.  And the more we listen to external factors (people), the less we listen to ourselves. 

Take time to nurture YOU.  YOU are the only one who can do that.  When you are tending to someone else in the world.....who is tending to you????

Happy Thursday!!!

Really?????

I have successfully sent my family off today.......angry at me.

Apparently we all woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

The alarm went off this morning, and I did not move.  I didn't want to.   I had metal running through my veins which added extra weight, sinking me further into my bed.  I wasn't about to fight it.  It's Wednesday, I don't have to work, who cares if the kids are late to school.

Ever notice when you wake up late, or on the wrong side of the bed; your day doesn't go totally right?  Well...it happened to me. 

Kids come down dragging, the least tiny thing sets them off, the arguing ensues, the mom gets frustrated, yells at the kids, and the dad comes downstairs wondering "What in the hell's going on down here??"  Now, he's in a bad mood too.  Like a virus in the house....spreading quickly.....

It doesn't happen very often.   Actually, this week has been pretty good.  But I find that something in the universe aligns, and it just happens.  There is no fighting it, you just have to go with it and make the best of your day. 

As it is, it's not even 8am, and I have had to change the course of my day.  I guess you have to be willing to do that too.

So, I'm concerned now....

If my day started out on the wrong foot; does it have to continue on the wrong foot?  I want to say no, but the mood has already set in, and it's hard to reverse it once it has its claws in me.

But all's not lost.  I'm going to do what my dad advised me one day. 

I called him on the phone telling him I was angry about something.  I don't even remember what I was angry about.  But I remember him telling me I should do something constructive.  He suggested cleaning the house.  I laughed out loud thinking, "Ya right....you're not gonna get me on that one!".  He said, "Try it.  When you are feeling DE-structive....you should do something CON-structive". 

I was certain he was trying to trick me into cleaning the house.  But I decided to give it a shot; because I was very angry and needed something to do to get the aggression out of my system. 

And when I was done, I looked around at all I had accomplished....and the futher mucker was right.  I felt better.  (I love you dad).

So, I can't promise I will clean my house today....but I'm going to put as many constructive things in my path as possible to try to turn this day around.

It's a beautiful day, and I'm blessed to be here.  I'm going to start with that!

Happy Wednesday.

Balls in the air.

I'm not bashing men.  I'm starting with that on purpose.  I am NOT bashing men.

Why does it seem that because I have a bit more patience, I get to deal with the nasty kid at home?  When they are in a good mood, daddy is right there.  The second they throw a fit...it's over.  They are mine again.  

I was just reading a book about stress for Mom's.  (Thank you Karen).  It talked about how women are able to juggle a million tasks, while men work hard to juggle one ball in the air.  I gotta say, I kinda get that.

I don't like it......but I get it.

Our brains work differently.  I think the main problem is "they" don't see that our brains work differently.  When hubby comes home and looks at the messy house, I swear his finger couldn't be bigger while he is metaphorically pointing it at me.  (That's how it feels, anyway.)

When we discuss it, he says, "I didn't say it was you, I just said the house is a mess!"  But seriously; if it's not my fault, then why isn't he sitting down with the kids, making a plan?  Because it's the mom's job.  Right? 

I

Don't

Think

So!!!!!

But, I can't change history, so it will seemingly fall on the mom. 

It's very frustrating, because I feel like it's another thing to add to my 'Fail' list.  (Ever feel that way?)

But I digress.  Because we (ladies) can handle so many things, it does seem more natural that we take care of them, right?

Well, if that's the case, then I would like to reserve the right to 'hide' in my office from time to time, and let the fury rain on someone else (no names mentioned here).  When the girls are up in arms about the wrong outfit, or they hate their sister, or better yet....there's NO CREAM CHEESE FOR MY BAGEL....I would like to hide in my office and juggle one thing at a time.

Now, this is no disrespect to hubby.  He does handle plenty of things.  He has a better brain than me in so many areas, he is a must for this household.  But when it comes to emotional breakdowns, those are just not on his list.  I'm better able to handle it (or ignore it for sanity purposes), and therefore, I take the front seat.

But sometimes (just sometimes), I would like to be able to not predict that I am needed in the kitchen to intervene for the cream cheese meltdown. 

That said, I doubt I would change a thing.  As my husband says on so many occasions, 'It is what it is'.   And he's right.  (see babe, I do listen to you)

So, I will continue to read my books on how to manage stress (yet another ball in the air), and do my best to keep my sanity while the kids scream, and the big finger is pointed at me.  It is what it is, and I can only do what I can do.

Happy Tuesday!

Guilt on vacation

This weekend we went up to Big Bear.  We have all had so much stress, we decided it was time to take a weekend away.

We had no plans going up.  No idea what we were going to do.  Didn't even look at activities, because we just wanted to wing it.  No pressure at all.

We got there Friday night.  The drive was easy.  We got in to our cute little cabin; unpacked and made dinner.  As this place had a pool table, we played pool (and the kids played darts) and that was it for the night. 

Saturday, we woke up, and Chris wasn't feeling so good.  Turns out, he wasn't feeling well at all.  He ended up spending the day in bed; sick.  Me, mom, Julie and the girls decided to let him sleep for a while, so we hung out at the cabin, watching TV and playing on our "I-gear". 

After a while, we decided to drive over Big Bear Village.  The place looked deserted.  Clearly this was the off season.  We walked around to the different stores (most of which were souvenirs shops) and we lingered around the places that offered food.  By the time we were done with our outing, we'd had lunch, ice cream,candy and fudge.  (The fudge was out of this world!!!)
We heard from Chris on our outing, and had to deliver home some theraflu and sprite.  We stayed home for a few hours, just doing nothing.  It was actually really nice.  The girls tooled around until they couldn't take it anymore, and begged us to leave the house. 

We promised them we'd go out, but as we were stuck watching a Lifetime movie (this ever happen to you?) we told them they had to wait til we were done. 

Finally, we decided to go bowling.   I think there were 5 cars in the parking lot.  The bowling alley was in neon and blacklight.  The girls were instantly excited.  And the people inside were really nice.  (I'm guessing because they were happy someone was in the building).

We played a few games, and then headed back home.  We watched TV, played pool, played cards and vegged the rest of the day. 

Sunday we had breakfast, vegged and then started packing.  We were home by 3:30. 

After we all unpacked at home, I met Julie for a walk around the lake (to work off all the food we ate), and I told her that I felt bad about the weekend.  Like we wasted our time up there just vegging. 

She said, "That's what we were supposed to do".  I told her I knew that, but I feel that we could have done that at home.  And she said, "No....you wouldn't have done that at home.  You would have found a million things to do; driving the kids somewhere, or doing things that did not include vegging.  You needed this!"

And she was right. 

There are so many little things to do, that the simple art of vegging, without any plan, is actually a vacation from my day to day life of using up every last minute with something!  It's a bummer we have to pay to do nothing.  But, if that is what it takes to get a mental break, and rejuvenate myself, then it is worth every penny and a million more.

I was very overloaded and overwhelmed last week.  This week, I feel like I'm reset and ready to go.  And though I have every minute of my day (and week) filled, I'm much better prepared to handle it all!

You should take a "veg" weekend.  I highly encourage it!

Happy Monday!

Emotional roller coaster

I survived one of the most emotional weeks I have had in a very long time. So many ups and downs, it should be rated as a ride.

Two funerals, and an anxiety attack that I haven't seen the likes of in years. My body is completely wrecked.

My husband totally does not understand how I can get so emotionally wrapped up in these 'events'. He has the ability to emotionally remove himself, where I do not.

Fridays service was for one of my best lifelong friends father. This one hit me particularly hard. (This is the price you pay for loving someone so dearly. )

As my father had already passed, many years ago, I was revisiting his passing on so many levels. As my friend went through her roller coaster of emotions, I was reminded almost verbatim, how I felt. This enables me to identify with her on a level that not many can. This is where I cannot simply remove myself emotionally. It is not even an option.

I did what I could to support her. She is a machine if nothing else. Even in her greatest depths of grief, she did what had to be done, and put on the most amazing memorial for her father.

This memorial experience for me was worlds apart from Mondays funeral service. This memorial, was not only for my friend and her family, but as I am a part of that family, it was for me too. And though my only efforts in the whole service was to proofread and edit, the service touched me to the core. It was for everyone.

I am not a fan of memorials, because traditionally, people bring out the 'fluff' of the deceased, and sometimes you are left thinking, "Wow...I didn't know who they were talking about."

But in this service, for George; all the stories were the same. He was a characther and a half. He was a laugh waiting to happen. He was beloved by all. And I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. In all the stories, we laughed, we cried, we loved. We grieved.

I documented the service with my camera. And what I documented was a family, so tightly bound, they were a unit. It is the most unique family experience I have ever been blessed to be a part of. They laughed in unison, they cried in unison. They all speak the same language and love the same way. They come together beautifully and they will come through this together, because they are one.

I love this family, that I am blessed to be a part of for so many years. For though I am not bound to them by blood, I am bound to them by love and acceptance. And, that is something I cannot emotionally remove myself from. Nor would I ever wish to try.

So, George, once again, I thank you. For the man you are, the friend you created for me, and the family you accepted me into. I will look after your daughter and family, and I will continue to document their lives for as long as they will let me. I love you, and miss you, and will look for you in my dreams, where you will most certainly show up and tell me, "Nice Ass".

And, yes....I shared that story at the service!

Happy Sunday and God Bless!

Lashing out and recovery....

Have you ever snapped at someone who didn't deserve it.
Or lashed out at someone less fortunate than you?

Have you ever realized later that it had nothing to do with them, but all about you?

The other day my daughter told me that on their bus ride home, one of the girls made a 'fat' picture of a boy and handed it over to the not so skinny boy on the bus.

I know this boy and I really like him. He is a funny kid. We had some laughs last year when he and Aspen were in the same class. So my heart was sad.

It just so happens that this girl is someone whose parents put pressure on her to be 'perfect', which is a huge message of 'we will love you IF'.

So, I am not surprised to hear that this girl is acting this way. However, I believe this backfired as the boy sat, hanging his head, and as a result, the girl didn't seem proud of herself.

I explained to Aspen that when someone feels bad about themselves, they want to draw attention elsewhere, so no one is looking at them.

I also explained to her that she can expect plenty of this in middle school next year, and not to partake. (oh how I wish I could protect my childs little heart.)

Sometimes we do terrible things. And sometimes we aren't aware why. More often than not our frustrations or fears are at the bottom of our lashing out.

Many times when we are screaming about the house, or the toilet seat being up, it has nothing to do with that. It's usually just the last straw of a series of other issues.

I know I fall prey to it myself, when I am sitting at my computer, trying to get something done, and my girls come up with issues or complaints. Depending on my frustration level with my work, is how I will respond to their needs. The more frantic I am with work, the more angry I become with them. It is simple displacement. I am displacing my anger onto them, instead of looking at them with clear eyes, giving them the attention they deserve. It's not fair.

But....it is what it is.

When hubby comes home, snapping from the second he walks in the door...I know something is up. And it has nothing to do with me. Thankfully, over the years of being together, I can respond properly. Sometimes it is just giving him space. Sometimes it is calling him to the carpet.

In either case, my response makes all the difference in how the night goes. If I identify it correctly...it's all good. But that isn't always an easy task.

Emotions are like balls of spaghetti, with a sesame seed in the middle. You have to find the sesame see without breaking any of the noodles. It can be pretty tricky sometimes.

It is worth taking the time to figure it out, but it definitely takes effort and awareness, and a lot of time.

So, the next time you find yourself 'giving it' to someone else, who is staring at you with a horrified look on your face.....check yourself at the door, and ask....what's really going on.

Happy Saturday.

Dealing with anxiety

Years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety.  It took about 10 years of suffering before I realized what it was.

I remember reading about it and laughing, because it sounded so stupid.  So many diagnoses are going around; how could anxiety be a diagnosis??

Well...it is.  And it is torturous!

My first panic attack was out of the blue.  I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend (around 17 years old) and we were having dinner.  And then all of a sudden, my heart started racing, and my face felt like pins and needles, for no reason.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I felt like I was going to die right then and there.  Thankfully (by the grace of God!) a lady was sitting next to me and told me I was having a panic attack, that I would be okay and that her son has them. 

Where did this woman come from?  I didn't think I was making scene, but she was sitting close enough to me, that she overheard our conversation.  I'm so thankful she was there, because I was certainly on my way to the hospital without her. 

Since that time, other panic attacks have ensued.  I had no idea why I got them, or how to control them.  They were random at best.

Then came the generalized anxiety.  THAT is REALLY fun to live with. 
It's a constant state of worry.  You can't be "in" the moment, because you are so worried, that it's almost like you are living in a fog.  Things seem surreal.   You don't feel normal. 

The sad thing about generalized anxiety, is that more often than not, you know that your fears are irrational, but your body is in a state of "fight or flight" and your adrenaline seems to be rushing 24/7.  This state most definitely required medication for me.

After I started medication I started therapy (to try to not be medicated).  It took years of trying to figure out my life.  I'm sure this disease was situational and could be fixed if I just figured it out.  I'm sure of it!

However, once you are on medication...no one wants to take you off.  I was asked by therapists, "Why do you want to get off medication.  It's working, isn't it?" 

Drs. wouldn't hear my plea that I wanted to live my life.  Not, live on medication.  I really believed that at some point I can control this.

Well, let me tell you....years later, I finally jumped off the meds and started living my life.  It wasn't an easy jump, but I did it.  I found herbs to help me in times of panic attacks.  I realized that the panic attacks won't kill me.  But they are very uncomfortable and still put me in a state of surrealism.  It still puts my body in a state of 'fight or flight' and I still hate it!

But, with years of therapy, and exercise (I'm guessing to help purge the adrenaline), I'm managing it pretty well. 

However....yesterday, I was set off.  And for the last 24 hours, I feel like I can't control anything.  I'm talking myself through it, I have my herbs and I'm doing my best to remind myself, "I'm here now" (my mantra to keep me in the present), but I can't seem to control how my body is reacting. 

It's so frustrating.  I once told a therapist; anxiety is like sitting on a stove that is burning you.  You know it's burning you and you know you need to get off.....but you can't.  Everything in your rational mind works.....but your body is on its own course of worry and destruction.  A total disconnect.

I know we all worry.  But anxiety is like worry on steroids.  And it really sucks!

I'll get through today....and tomorrow....but my body will most certainly pay.

That's all I got for today!
Happy Friday!

Give me computers....or give me death!

Last night I had trouble with my computer.  I went to reboot.....it turned off....and it stayed off.

And just like that my evening was done.  I could do no more.  Everything I was trying to do was attached to  my computer.

Thankfully, my guru lives next door and has been known to come by at 11:30pm to get me going again.  However, as my task wasn't as urgent, I just sent him a text and went downstairs.........with my Iphone and Ipad....so I could watch TV.

Does this sound familiar to you?

We can't even sit in front of the TV anymore without some other stimulus to get us going?  (or is that just me?)

As I sat in front of my TV for my "down time", I checked email and facebook just to make sure some catastrophic event didn't happen in the last 5 minutes of me being away from my computer.  In the meantime, I am watching a show via TIVO, so I don't have to endure ANY commercials, and while fast-forwarding my TV with one hand, I have my Ipad in the other. 

I couldn't help but think about how I looked sitting there to anyone who walked in the room.  And the sad thing is.....I would look, "NORMAL".  Because anyone who has small electronic devices have become so addicted, that even a normal conversation with a human being is considered a waste of time unless we are multitasking with phone in hand.

It took my husband over a year to convince me to get the Iphone.  I thought, NO WAY!!!  I do NOT want to be one of "those" people.  The ones who stand in line next to their partners, or spouse’s texting (probably to each other). 

I was incensed by "those" people and I refused to become part of their generation.  And now, fast forward 18 months.  Not only do I have an Iphone and an Ipad.  I'm one of "those" people.  AND....I JUSTIFY IT!

(I'm shaking my head as I write).

I predict that soon, you will walk into Yoga studios and see people in a Child’s Pose while glancing over their Ipads (which they can type with their nose in said pose).  I predict that we will have face time with people during lunch (with the people sitting across the table from us.)

I predict we will lose all sense of real conversation as well as the ability to spell properly, thanks to the txting rvltion.

I am not against computers.  (I mean I am sitting here right now, aren't I?) 
I think computers are great.  They make our lives easier, keep us connected, put the world at our fingertips.  What's not to love???

Well....they provide a hiding place for husbands (okay...and wives and children).  Wait....sometimes that is a good thing too....hmmm........

Okay, well you get the point. 

Our lives have become wrapped up in this technology which is great.  But over time, all I see is a generation of "What's Next?"  Our ability to become stimulated is solely wrapped up in what we can get into our hands.  Children sit in cars saying, "I'm bored" after a five minute car ride. 

I once gave a stuffed animal to a child and they looked at me and said, “What does it do?”  I said, “Nothing….it’s a stuffed animal!”   I was so sad.  My heart hurt.

The ability to imagine is slipping away from us.  It's being fed by those who are imagining (or rather determining) our electronic future.  It's kind of scary!

My vow, is to raise kids who can get bored and imagine their way out of their boredom without an electronic device in their hands (okay, sometimes).  I'm not stupid, just don't want my kids to be one of those kids you try to talk to and they don't even know you are in the room.  And if they do know you are in the room, they cannot converse properly.

And for myself, I'm going to work on eye-to-eye contact when talking with someone.  Actually leaving the phone in my purse while at work, even though I may start twitching.  (don't judge me).

I think we all need to make a conscious effort to go back to basics every so often.  Spend a day without computers (wow that was hard to write), or TV's for a day.  Spend time talking TO each other. 

I'll get right on this!

(but not today.)
Happy Thursday!

Just say no???

This whole week I feel like I have had stuff foisted upon me at the last minute.  There is just so much going on.

When my week started out, it was pretty mellow.  I had my schedule set, and it was busy; but I had some gaps for "me" time. 

Notice the use of the word, "Had".

In the past few days, so many things have been "urgently" requested of me.

My Tuesday was booked with work, pick up and deliver kids to their events, and then help a friend with her seminar.  It was booked for weeks.  6-8pm, and done. .....or was I?

When I got home from kids deliveries, I check my email, and I saw a message from my friend that she needs to finalize her daughters graduation announcements.  I told her we would have to meet early next week as I was completely booked for the week.

And then it happened.......panic!

Now, to explain - I knew going into the photo shoot (that was for the announcements,) that we were already late.  So I half expected some urgency in getting them done.   But, let’s just say my timeline didn’t meet her timeline, and my friend was ready to come to my house and get the images off my computer herself and do the announcements without me.  (which was never going to happen).

So, I told her to meet me at my house at 8pm and we'll get started. 
Three hours later, we emerged with what will be a stunning announcement (did you have any doubt?).  We work very well together.

But, it got me thinking.  When I got her email, I was emphatic about NOT doing them until next week, because I already have so much bearing down on me.

But I yielded.  And, I find, I yield a LOT!

My husband asked why I was so stressed and I told him that I literally do not have a second to myself this week.  And then he started touting his broken-record response, "Well...that's YOUR fault".  (EXACTLY what I needed to hear from him, right?)  Oh no....actually, that's why I DON'T mention these things to him, because he wants to either fix it, or tell me how I did it wrong!  He's such a putz.  But not unlike other men.  I have read about him in books.  (yes...I just called my husband textbook).

But, I digress.

I realized the little futher mucker was right.

I had to think about decisions I have made and why my stress level is increased. 
I could have said no to my friend and protected my boundary.  But I knew going in, that we were already behind and this could happen.  I also knew that this project is a big advertising piece for me, and that is to my benefit to finish it as soon as possible.  I also realized if I squeeze this one in, I'm freed up for next week.

So, yes, it was a bit of stress.  But as I told her that my "rush" fee is a bottle of wine, and she was happy to oblige. 

As it turned out, we had nice conversation, many laughs; and the thrill of accomplishment.  Because when we were done, the end result was worth all the stress.  It may not always be worth the stress….but this one was.

Maybe someday my husband will get it.

But I won't hold my breath.

Affluent vs Rich

Have you ever noticed that if you travel outside our little bubble, there are places that are a little less....ummm.....savory than ours?  We live in a very beautiful area.  Hills, greenery, land, flowers and an overall safe and happy feeling. 
Is it the place that creates the people?  Or the people that create the place?

You can't deny that certain areas...let's say, attract certain types of people.  And those people have their people come and move in around them, and pretty soon, the town is full of them.

Yesterday I was at a funeral for my sister in laws nephew (who is also my nieces cousin).  He was 23.   Random violence.  Or possibly not.  No one knows for sure.  He was from an area where "these things happen".  But do they really have to happen???

I drove to the service myself.  I could feel the difference from their city to ours. You can see in on the peoples faces.  When I got their, they put me in line for the funeral procession.  I got out of my car and headed into the church (that was surrounded by gates.). 

First thing I noticed was how overdressed I felt.  Most were very casual.  Some were a little dressed up, but way less than me.  As a matter of fact, I was one of the nicest dressed people there.  One of maybe a dozen.  I was instantly self conscious.  I definitely stuck out.

But as I entered the church, I couldn't help but see that people were bunched into groups.  It was a large and beautiful church.   As I walked in, there was a group of about 10 to my right, in the back.  As I walked a few steps more to my left was a group of about 20 people.  Then, many empty rows between, where there were scattered folks about in groups of 3 or less.  Then towards the front of the church, the pews to the left were nearly full from the 1st row to the 10the row, while the pews to the right had about 4 rows were full, and the rest of the left side (front section) were left nearly empty. 

I assumed family was to the right, but my sister in law was in the section on the left, so I was confused.  Why this configuration and where should I sit?  I grabbed a seat on the left side, in a row all by myself.  To say I felt awkward was an undestatement.  As I had come in a few minutes late thanks to a faulty GPS system, I figured I would just take my chances.

The priest barely spoke english, but if you have ever been to a catholic mass, they are all the same.  ALL the same.....  (which answers so many questions about those spanish masses we went to as kids when we missed our own mass.  But I digress......)

After the service, we all piled back into our cars for the funeral procession.  The only line I can think of where you don't want to be "first" in line! 

I was overwhelmed with all the cars heading over to the cemetary.  It felt like hundreds.  The police played like a symphony catching each light for us to pass through so there were no disruptions in our commute.

As I left the city and headed east, I realized we were going to the burial site of my dad.  A beautiful cemetary about 10 cities away.  As we got closer to his final resting place, I could feel the nervous tension leave me, and the sadness overwhelm me.  He was 23 years old and walking home.  He had nothing on him to defend himself.  He was just starting to build his life.  I broke down a few times on route, but pulled it together for the final service.

As we piled out of our cars and circled the casket, I looked at the group for the first time.  I scanned their faces, looking for traces of sadness.  Yes, there were some.  But many stood stoic.  Some even looke resigned, as if to say, "This is how it is for our people". 

I couldn't help but wonder....could you possibly get used to this????  Just accept it as rote?  Keep yourself devoid of emotion?

I guess some do.

But never the family.  I watched as my niece cuddled next to everyone she could.  Giving and taking hugs from anyone offering.  She cried so much, it broke my heart.  She's not yet 18.  This is new to her.  Because she is not from that area. 

It was a beautiful service. 

As it came to a close, I watched as they threw dirt and flowers into his grave.  This is never a happy time.  But a very meaningful time.  He had a loving family.  He was a good guy.  He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Do the people make the place?  Or the place make the people?

Just call me Grandma!

Yesterday I got a glimpse of what it is like to be a grandma. 

I had my nieces over for a few hours.  They are 5 year old twins and a 7 year old princess.  The seven year old, Jessica, has got to be one of the happiest little munchkins on the face of this earth.  First thing she did when she saw me, was run up and give me a hug. 

I haven't seen them much in the last few years; and the sad thing is;  they only live in Fullerton!  It's sad how life gets in the way.  So needless to say, I was very happy to see the girls.  The twins also gave me a hug, and I must say, I was taken aback.  Last time I saw them I got something very closely resembling "Stink Eye" from both of them and had to keep my distance.

To go back to 5 and 7 is a funny thing.  Instantly I feel the sense of wonder that they carry (still).  Silly things make them laugh, and I love being witness to that, because it reminds me that we all started there! 

I hear the squeals of the twins running around the house, filled with giggles and lots of talking.  It warms my heart. 

I remember that this is the age where you can start giving them more freedom.  They aren't shoving things in their mouths, or sticking things in sockets, so it's a pretty easy visit.

As it was Sunday, mom and Julie were over and we were having "Shlomgoya night".  Meaning, we are clearing the fridge, so dinner is whatever looks best to you from the week.  We had everything from hamburger helper (out of a box), to home made enchilada's and pizza and pork tenderloin.  Most of us took a little of everything, because it was so good!  Jessica (7yr old) called it a "Food Paradise".  (can you tell we are foodies?)

For dessert, I decided to save the banana's from certain death, so I made some banana bread with chocolate chips.  But also realized I had a can of apple pie filling, so I decided to whip up some pie crust for the kids to fill and have as an extra dessert option. 

Let the rolling begin!!! 

As I worked with the kids, rolling out the dough, I found myself extremely patient.  And though my kids were there and the patience was extended to them; I couldn't help but think back to just a few years ago, when I would have lost it on my kids, if one side of the crust was rolled out thinner than the other!  At that moment, I realized, I was like a grandma.

I had such patience with the mess falling to the floor and the crusts being totally uneven and cut into obscure shapes that barely fit together.  I let them do what they wanted, and had the bigger girls helping the smaller girls.  It was so much fun!

I realized, with age and experience, we mellow a bit.  I hardly ever see a grandparent who is nasty and impatient.  So to me it was a glimpse of what I have to look forward to.

But I also realized that I should remember this moment and bestow upon my own children TODAY, the patience I give to others. 

YES....we have our baggage, which is why we usually lose it.  But the truth is, no one will die if the crust is uneven.  If the flour falls to the floor, it can be cleaned up. 

I will do my best to remember this moment when working with my kids.  I feel like we got so much out of it; and the end result was a fabulous apple turnover that the twins could snub their nose at. But at least they enjoyed themselves and their accomplishments....and so did Grandma Cat!!!  LOL

Happy Monday!

Life’s Lessons in the dark….

 Reposting this one as it got lost in the shuffle and a few people hadn't seen it.  My Sunday (Today) post is right after this one.  Sorry for the confusion.  Blogger apparently dropped the ball.

In the past two days I have gotten terrible news.  My friends father passed away.  On the coat tails of that news,  I found out my sister in laws nephew, a child I have known since he was a baby, was shot down while walking home, unprovoked.  The news was so heavy, my heart was broken.

In the face of bad news, I tend to emotionally shut down. I am sure it is a preservation response for if I were to actually feel all the pain I was going through, I would collapse for sure.

As it was I could tell I was shallow breathing and it felt like a weight was sitting upon my chest, because I couldn't breathe in deep enough no matter how I tried.

I decided I needed to run to clear my head and bring me to a place of being able to cope.

Within the first half mile, I looked down to find a dead hummingbird in my path.  I stopped, wondering why it was there.  In my path.  I took a moment and buried it in a shallow grave, said a prayer and ran on.  My mind swirled with crazy thoughts.

I can't help but think about my own mortality at times like this.  I question my decisions in my life, if it were over now, what legacy would I have left? What would someone do with all my stuff?  Why do I have so much stuff?

As I continue my run, I turn the corner and lo and behold...another dead bird.  This one is a crow.  Now I feel the universe is really trying to tell me something, but I am not sure I can hear it, because my head is still swirling.  I pass this bird, too sad to stop and think of burying yet another, so I press on.

As I go under the tunnel, I arrive at the place I know will bring me solace.  The dirt path.  As I emerge from the tunnel I am met with a new world.  Flowers abound from every angle.  Yellow and white surround me.  Down low, up hi and all around as if to say, you don't have any worries here.

As I run past the flowers they hang into the path as if to offer me high fives along the way.  But I don't dare mar their beauty, so I just run past; admiring their beauty and the peace they offer me.

Then it occurs to me, these flowers are offering me a solution.  A new understanding.  All the answers are right here.

I can instantly see that the path is my journey.  The road is my life.  I see beauty, I see thorns.  I see dirt and I see blue sky. 

The thorns represent the troubles in our lives. 

They are surrounded by the beautiful flowers which represent the good times.  Sometimes the thorns seem so overwhelming, almost bearing down on us.  But if we just shift our perspective, ever so slightly, we can see the beauty through the thorns.

But sometimes it’s hard to change perspective.  When you are so filled with pain, the thorns seem like that is all there is.  And we forget to realize that life is a never ending circle.  I stare at the thorns realizing my pain and the pain of my family and friends.  I shift to the right and though I still see the thorns, they are less prevalent.  It is a reminder to me that the pain will never go away, but it will lessen with time.

I realize as I continue my run that my mind is putting this all together for my comfort and clarity.  I do believe the answers are all around us, if we can keep our hearts open to it.

On the final leg of the dirt trail, I see something that intrigues me.  It’s a row of what looks like Queen Anne’s lace growing tall, towering over the flowers on the path, as if to be saints in heaven, watching over all the people.  Not prominently visible….but definitely there.  Always watching over. 

I couldn’t help but take pause and realize the irony of what I’m seeing.  True, it may just be a story I am making up.  But I feel at peace in my heart as it all comes together, so I don’t care. 

And as I’m coming through the tunnel on my way back home, I’m stopped in my tracks by what I see.  It almost brings me to tears.  I see a woman with her toddler.  She represents my new beginning.  I ask her if I can take a picture of her for my “story” and she gladly obliges. 

Afterwards she said, “So, what’s it for?”  I told her that she is the most significant part of my story.  We’ve lost loved ones recently, and she represents my new beginning.  I forward her the picture as I have taken them all on my phone. 

I was supposed to work out at the gym.  But something was calling me outside.  And I’m so thankful I listened to my soul.  It needed this.  Life gets really hard sometimes.  And sometimes it is too dark to see the or hear the messages that will help us.  But I do believe when your heart is open and your eyes are ready to see, you can put together your own story.  And remember….when the thorns are staring you in the face….you always have the option…when you are ready, to move ever so slightly to see the beauty all around.

What’s your perspective?

Flare up.... :(

I have a lot of transitions going on in my life right now.  For my business, my home, our financial situation.  A LOT!!  I'm doing my best to manage them, but I found out I have a disease that is causing me trouble when trying to accomplish stuff.  It's called, "OMG I'msooverwhelmedIcan'tthinkaboutitnow" Syndrome. 

I'm not sure you ever heard it before, because it's not in the textbooks of medicine.  It's in my mind.  I realize I have had it all my life, and when I go to my moms house....I realize where I contracted the disease.

Sometimes it's a protective mechanism that stops your body from collapsing, so it has its upside.  But more often than not, it's quite crippling, as it systematically shuts down all the connections from the brain to my motor skills.  Therefore, I'm unable to do anything. 

For some reason, it seems to positively respond to computer time.  When I'm in front of the computer, it doesn't affect me so much.  However, it's only when I'm wasting time on the computer.  If I actually try to do work on the computer, my hands stop getting messages from my brain and they freeze up.  Sometimes I start to drool a bit.  But I usually have a towel nearby, so it's okay. 

Please don't feel sorry for me.  I have lived with it all my life.  I seem to get by.  People seem to be aware of my disease and they forgive me my shortcomings.  (no, I'm not talking about my husband, be nice). 

Today I have a list of things to do, but my disease has flared up.  I had a donut to see if that helped...but alas...it did not.   It's going to be a long day if I can't accomplish what I need to.  So, I'll probably just lay in bed and wait for the symptoms to subside.  However, I have seen a flare up like this before.  And as it is raining outside, it usually gets pretty bad.  Only a remote and hot chocolate seem to help. 

Please pray for me, but do not pity me.  I'll be fine.

Happy Sunday

I think I'm back!

I don't know what happened to Blogger, but it wasn't there yesterday, and the last post I did post on here, mysteriously disappeared.  I think that is a "lesson to self.....back your stuff up!"

As blogger went crazy, so did my life.  I have been in help mode lately, and though I like helping, it's been difficult, because they are all very important tasks and I don't want to fail.  But...I think I did.

Thursday was my most insane day; which probably  is what led to my two bowl breakfast on Friday.

On Thursdays I work 3 meetings, separated by taxi driving my kids.  So when I leave the first two meetings, I pick up the kids, snack and change them, drop one at tuturing, one at dance, pick up from tutoring, drop off at home, and go back to the last meeting of the day which takes me to 8:30pm.  After which I come home and help finish up any homework that wasn't done. 

However on this past Thursday, I was on the phone in between all of that, dealing with Girl scouts, Work issues (with Boss), trying to help with an obituary (which is where I think I failed), and creating a DVD presentation for another funeral, (so I could have it delivered on Friday.)

DVD got done and delivered, totally missed out on finalizing the obituary (which breaks my heart), work issue fixed (well, sort of), and Girl scout issue is pending until next week, but at this time it's off my list.

However, feeling good on Friday, thinking I have it all together, I managed to miss a dance appointment for a child, which left the teacher standing there waiting.  DAMN!!!  Will I ever keep it all together?

(Now....don't you want two bowls of cereal right now, too???)

It sounds stressful, and it is; but once again, I realize, when I am busy, my mind is sharp and active.  Which makes me feel good, because most times, it feels pretty stagnant.

I was looking forward to the weekend, which was free, until my neighbor walked in and decided to book me for his wedding, which means and engagement session for Saturday.  Oh...and work meeting thrown in, so there goes my Sunday.

I swear it's always something.  I feel like I'm scrounging for me time, but maybe this is it?  A few hours here, and a few hours there.  No full days.  I'm actually getting exactly what I wanted.  Just not in the order I would have liked.  That happens sometimes, doesn't it?  We want what we want, the way we want it and no other way.

Well.....life does NOT work that way.  So I will take it when I get it, and suck it up and smile and enjoy every minute of it.  Because I'd rather be me, than someone with no family and no prospects and no one caring to switch up my schedule at the last minute.

So with that, I will take my few Saturday hours, before the kids go to dance, and snuggle and make the best of my "me time" wherever I can squeeze it in.

Happy Saturday!

Sadness

Sadness fills my heart with news of my friends fathers passing.  I have known him since I was 14 years old. 

When my friend called yesterday, I had pretty much been waiting.  Not certain of the news, but waiting to hear from her.  But the second I picked up the phone and heard her strained, "Hi", my heart fell to my stomach.

Their relationship was tight.  Her father is everything to her.  They've been to concerts together, traveled together, and laughed endlessly together.  This will create a huge gap in her life. Or rather, a void.  I have been there myself.  I know it's hard.

When she gave me the details of his passing, it took me right back to when I was with my dad.   I was at his side, as she was at her fathers side.  It's a powerful moment, indeed.  I'm thankful she got to be there.  He wasn't alone.

After we hung up the phone, I went over things I'd said to her, and I just wasn't sure if I had said the 'right' things.  But what are the right things?  What is the right way to act?

If I could have, I would have dropped everything.  But I always halt myself, because I know that there are times I would want to be alone and that wouldn't have been the proper thing to do, so I didn't offer.  And I feel like I should have.

Everyone grieves differently.  It is a very personal thing.  The only thing I have to go on is my own past experience with my family.  And we are not as tight as hers.  Though I feel like family to her, I do believe there is an invasion point, which I don't want to cross.

At the time she called, she was still at the hospital, so she needed time to go home and let the dust settle before she was bombarded with questions.  I got the information I needed to know and I merely told her whatever she needed, I would be there. 

The date is set for the services.  I will most assuredly be there.  I wouldn't miss honoring this man for the world!

George; you lived a great life, and you raised great kids.  You have a loving and fantastic family who are tightly bonded and come together in times of need.  You created an environment that was safe for them.  They had no hesitation in coming to you and they cherished the time they spent with you.  As you rest now, please know you did well.  Your job is done.  Thank you for the laughs and hugs and for making me feel a part of your family!  I love you and you will be missed. 

Managing Relationships

This week's topic at work is Managing Relationships.

I love this topic, because it is so dynamic.  People don't realize how we are driven by those around us.  We watch to see what the other is doing.  We call our friends to find out, "What are you wearing tonite?"  We get disappointed because someone didn't treat us the way we'd hoped.  We get into fights, because someone is hurt and can't articulate it.  

Which brings me to my other point.  The other thing people don't realize is how poor we communicate with each other.  We refuse to acknowledge we are all big kids who get our feelings hurt, or we get scared, and can't put words to it, so we lash out in strange ways.

When someone is changing their life (lets take losing weight for example), people tend to get weird.  I have witnessed it myself as I have been there. 

First of all, people hate change!  HATE IT!

Change means something wasn't working, which can be a frightening thought to a loved one.  (if you are changing that, then what is next....me????)  More often than not the other person doesn't realize why they are feeling so threatened, and if they are not in tune with themselves, they are reacting before thinking about it.  Most of us react in emotion, which makes communication nearly impossible.

So, what's a person to do?  They are trying to lose weight and change their lives and people around them are freaking out! (okay, maybe not freaking out, but not totally supportive either).

This is a deciding factor for many people.  Sink or swim.  If you swim, you leave someone behind you, because they are not changing.  Sink...and you give up on yourself.   This can be a stressful time!

And for people who love to eat as a coping mechanism, this can be tricky.  Food is our stress reliever, because we can't cope with our events and situations.  If we were coping well and in control, we wouldn't need to eat.  But when chaos abounds, watch out cake, here I come!!!!  (Okay, I, personally am not that bad, but I have had my moments!)

Support is really important.  But sometimes you have to pave the way to get people to support you.  They just have to see for themselves that you are happier in your convictions and eventually they will be on board with you.  It's getting through the sticky stuff that is the hardest part.  But if you believe in what you are doing, not only will you succeed, you will be a role model for those who are unsure.  Because as I said in the first paragraph here People don't realize how we are driven by those around us. 

When met with resistance, communicate!  Ask for help.  Ask for support.  Let the other person know that they are needed in your journey.  They may not be on the team, but teams have cheerlearders, don't they?  The stronger you stand your ground, the sooner others will yield.  It may take time, but if it means something to you, it's worth it!

So my advice here is to be the example.  Pave the way.  Be a role model.  It's not easy, but that is why they call it the road less traveled! 

Happy Paving!

Mothers Day

Mothers Day is a day of celebrating your mother and who she is to you.  It is a day to thank her for all she is done and appreciate all her sacrifices.

Unfortunately, until I was a mother myself, I didn’t get all the sacrifices.  I remember when I was working and pregnant, I had all these plans during my maternity leave.  I had my days planned and projects scheduled and as I spoke of said plans, the lady who worked across from me started laughing.  I said, “What is so funny?”  And she said, “The fact you think you’ll have so much time!” 

It made me take pause, but I dismissed her comment thinking she just had no idea.  My experience would be different than hers.

I felt like I was standing at the door of mommy-hood, knocking, but no one would take me seriously until I actually had my child!  It was insulting to say the least.

And then she came…….Aspen was born, then two years later, Avery….and I have hardly had a moment to myself since then!    I finally understand what they were trying to say.  There is no explaining parenthood.  It is the end of “you”.

Motherhood is an all out sacrifice.  You can never make a decision again that doesn't affect your children. 

Since having children, I have gotten to "re-know" my mom.  I now see her on a different playing level.  I have a bit more wisdom about the choices she made, and though at the time, I wasn't a fan....today I understand.

Many children hold their parents (usually their mothers) responsible for their shortcomings in life.  They grow up and blame their mothers for the lack of love or attention, or making wrong decisions.  I had a few complaints myself.

But thankfully, as I have gotten older, I see some of her decisions were coping mechanisms.  She was doing the best she could just to get by with her sanity.  She had 5 children.  And thankfully, we all lived through everything.  We are smart, healthy, have families of our own.  We are fortunate.

When I look back at my childhood, I see that we were actually spoiled on many levels.  And compared to some people, we were really lucky kids.  I am glad I can see that now.  If nothing else we had each other. 

But the most important thing I think I have learned about my mom while being a mom myself is, I realized that my mom is simply human.  She is not perfect.  But she is human.  And she did the best she could with what she is able to offer us, and I'm thankful that in my adult life I can see where she is coming from.  Just knowing this helps heal my hurts. 

Our relationship has grown into more of a friendship.  We travel together, have Sunday dinners and card nights and she is available at the drop of a hat to watch my kids (her grandkids) when I need her.  I can ask her questions and learn from her past, and most importantly, my kids get to know and love their grandmother.  She is a fixture in our lives and we are so blessed. 

So on this Mothers Day, it is a true blessing to celebrate my mom and all moms for all the sacrifices they make every day!  And I too am celebrated by my children who are too young to see I am human, and still love me for everything I do.  They are too young to realize that I too, will screw up their lives somehow....(and they will let me know how later).

Hope your Mothers Day was devine!
Happy Monday!

Competitions.....To be....or to suck......

Competition is a funny thing.  It is meant to be good; to make one try their best, but sometimes the opposite occurs.  Is that good or bad?

I remember many years ago not understanding people addicted to races.  5k, 10k, marathon, you name it.  I didn't totally get it.  Not even after my first 5k.  I remember being tired and thinking, "Thank God that's over!"  But then I started seeing a pattern emerge that made me understand. 

After every race, I would look at my time and think, "Oh....I could do better".  Or, I would reflect back on  where I went slow and how I could fix it for "next time".  Then, I started hearing my sister quoting the same things, and I realized...at least in foot races.....we are running against ourselves.

Then it made me remember something interesting.  I was in a training class one time for work, and I remember the trainer telling us to take one of the two sticky notes and put it as high as you can on the wall.  So we took our yellow sticky notes and put them up high.  Some stood on chairs, some just jumped as high as they could (no specific directions were given, so some played it safe, because we didn't know why we were doing this).  Then she told us (with the same lack of direction) do it again with the pink sticky note.  This time, everyone was getting on chairs, some even tables, to put them as close to the ceiling as they could.

Then the trainer said, "Take a look around you.  All of the pink sticky notes (the ones we placed second) are higher than the yellow ones.  I didn't give you direction, but you all just tried to do better the second time.  That is human nature.  We are always trying to improve".  (I'm not going to lie; I felt a little like a monkey in a circus being trained.  But, I did realize the significance of what she was saying.  And she was right!  )

As I think of all the races I have done (even the ones I said I would "throw"), I always tried to push myself to achieve the best I could that day!!!

Maybe that is why competitions are good.  But what if they go bad?  Yesterday I was at a dance competition, and when the girls didn't get their highest marks, I saw a little bit of sadness.  My own daughter said, "We sucked".   Apprarently, it's either first place or no place at all!

Now, as an adult, we have the ability to overcome our defeats a  bit better.

But as a child, how do we stop them from internalizing their defeat?

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the "Competition" of it all, that you forget this is more or less a test of how well you learned your skill.  And, I believe it is meant to be more of a learning tool to see how well you do against other teams.

But what I see is people getting so wrapped up in it, they change.  Most take it in stride, but some take this as the end all/be all of their existence.  Now, at higher age levels, I can see where this is important, because by this time one may have learned their craft very well.  But for newer or younger kids, to get so down it a bit disconcerting. 

So, as a mom, do I accept my childs unhappiness as her determination to be better next time?  Or do I do damage control and take her to counseling (okay...not really counseling, but you know....).  As a parent, we do our best to encourage our children to give it their all.  But I think competition isn't so much about the competition itself....it's about the aftermath.  I do want my children to strive.....but I also want it to be a good growing experience.  If you aren't gaining something from what you are doing, you are losing precious time.  I will do my best to make sure my childrens' time is not being lost!

Super proud of all the teams who competed.  I do believe it's a great experience and I'm so thrilled to be a part of the MVDPAC team!  Great instructors, great kids!  Great day!!!

And from now on, I will be adding pictures to some of my upcoming blogs at my nieces request, because apparently talking about Apple Turnovers (in an earlier blog) is no good unless you have a picture to back it up!

Happy Mothers Day!!!

A fly on the wall

If you want a glimpse of who your kids are, take them on a long car ride with a couple of their friends, put on some of their favorite music.....and don't say a word.

Some of my favorite times are in the car with their friends. The conversations they have are different than what you hear at home. They way they talk is different too. It is like I am a fly on the wall, quietly observing who my children are becoming. And I dare say....it warms my heart.

I sit quietly and listen to their conversation drift in different directions at the drop of a hat. It takes a mere snort from a laugh for them to transition to another topic.
I hear them talk about friends and situations and how they dealt with them.

I hear how they feel about things for the first time, because it is information they don't care to disclose to their mother.
e
I am a mere observer as I listen to their wants and hopes. And if I am lucky enough, I will hear about their concerns.

It is a mothers greatest fear that her child is suffering and she doesn't know about it. Thankfully, today it is not an issue. Someone just snorted again and the topic changed.

Happy Saturday!