Dealing with anxiety

Years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety.  It took about 10 years of suffering before I realized what it was.

I remember reading about it and laughing, because it sounded so stupid.  So many diagnoses are going around; how could anxiety be a diagnosis??

Well...it is.  And it is torturous!

My first panic attack was out of the blue.  I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend (around 17 years old) and we were having dinner.  And then all of a sudden, my heart started racing, and my face felt like pins and needles, for no reason.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I felt like I was going to die right then and there.  Thankfully (by the grace of God!) a lady was sitting next to me and told me I was having a panic attack, that I would be okay and that her son has them. 

Where did this woman come from?  I didn't think I was making scene, but she was sitting close enough to me, that she overheard our conversation.  I'm so thankful she was there, because I was certainly on my way to the hospital without her. 

Since that time, other panic attacks have ensued.  I had no idea why I got them, or how to control them.  They were random at best.

Then came the generalized anxiety.  THAT is REALLY fun to live with. 
It's a constant state of worry.  You can't be "in" the moment, because you are so worried, that it's almost like you are living in a fog.  Things seem surreal.   You don't feel normal. 

The sad thing about generalized anxiety, is that more often than not, you know that your fears are irrational, but your body is in a state of "fight or flight" and your adrenaline seems to be rushing 24/7.  This state most definitely required medication for me.

After I started medication I started therapy (to try to not be medicated).  It took years of trying to figure out my life.  I'm sure this disease was situational and could be fixed if I just figured it out.  I'm sure of it!

However, once you are on medication...no one wants to take you off.  I was asked by therapists, "Why do you want to get off medication.  It's working, isn't it?" 

Drs. wouldn't hear my plea that I wanted to live my life.  Not, live on medication.  I really believed that at some point I can control this.

Well, let me tell you....years later, I finally jumped off the meds and started living my life.  It wasn't an easy jump, but I did it.  I found herbs to help me in times of panic attacks.  I realized that the panic attacks won't kill me.  But they are very uncomfortable and still put me in a state of surrealism.  It still puts my body in a state of 'fight or flight' and I still hate it!

But, with years of therapy, and exercise (I'm guessing to help purge the adrenaline), I'm managing it pretty well. 

However....yesterday, I was set off.  And for the last 24 hours, I feel like I can't control anything.  I'm talking myself through it, I have my herbs and I'm doing my best to remind myself, "I'm here now" (my mantra to keep me in the present), but I can't seem to control how my body is reacting. 

It's so frustrating.  I once told a therapist; anxiety is like sitting on a stove that is burning you.  You know it's burning you and you know you need to get off.....but you can't.  Everything in your rational mind works.....but your body is on its own course of worry and destruction.  A total disconnect.

I know we all worry.  But anxiety is like worry on steroids.  And it really sucks!

I'll get through today....and tomorrow....but my body will most certainly pay.

That's all I got for today!
Happy Friday!