Yesterday was a good day. I put myself on the path to making better decisions.
You know, denial is a funny thing. You can be totally aware of something, yet in complete denial of it! We all do it. But for what reason? What would happen if we actually acknowledged what we were denying ourselves?
It could be little, like not writing down a food you are supposed to be tracking. Or, something bigger, like your life is falling off track and you need to get a hold of yourself.
For me, it was probably both. I didn't want to face it, because then I would have to actually do something about it. And I didn't want to! Period! End of statement!
But as I am accountable to others, the denial isn't as easy a place to be. To deny, would make me a flat out liar to those around me, and I don't lie well...at all!
So at my meeting yesterday I realized one of my weaknesses has been getting back on track with exercising. I need something new and fun, that could potentially involve the whole family. I asked if there were any hiking trails in the area. I hundred people spoke up (which was interesting, because there were only about 30 in the room). I heard all sorts of places just a spit away that I could take my kids. Only problem is, I didn't write them all down. So I chose one or two to commit to memory, and my goal for the day was to go there, even if only to drive by and be aware of its location visually!
I decided to sweeten the pot. I had a member who was giddy with her trekking poles. We had seen these last year in yosemite and I was intrigued then, but now I had a reason to look into them, because we are soon leaving to Bass Lake.
I grabbed my mom and family and off to REI we went! We all got a pair for our trip.
I had to try them out to make them work, so I grabbed the kids and hubby and we checked out Riley Wilderness park. (I think that is what it's called). We pulled out our poles and started walking. We only went about 1.5 miles, but it was a bit more intense than just walking. It definitely takes getting in the groove, but it was a fun new way to spice up my walking!
My eating was definitely on track all day. I felt myself getting back into my good patterns, which I really needed to be conscious of. Not that eating was the main problem, but every little bit contributes!
It's amazing how one good decision influences the next.
Though it is a bit rainy today, I have to get some exercise in, even if it's only benchpressing my kids at home. We have a gathering this afternoon, so cleaning my house will certainly add activity points. I could easily vaccuum with Aspen on my back. She loves that!
I'm not in denial anymore. I'm thankful for the accountability. It was very awkward walking in as a member yesterday, but as I knew I would be, I was welcomed with open arms. Just as I have welcomed others back as well. We aren't perfect, and life does get in the way. I'm thankful I have surrounded myself with the right people!
Happy Sunday!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Uncle
As I write, I am sitting in a weight watchers meeting. As a member. Tail between my legs. Uncle is the word.
As a leader, I have a responsibility to my members to be on my game. Lately, I have been off. Sitting at my desk for the last two months has caught up with me. And though I have known it, I have been in denial that I will get it all back together. Truth is....I haven't been able to. So here I sit.
I talk to my Members about asking for help all the time. It is crucial to know when you need support. But it is also important to know what kind of support you need.
I remember a situation where I really needed to hear the right thing and it took me THREE calls to get the right response that I needed to make me feel better.
If you have ever asked someone for help and resented when they give it to you....you didn't ask for the right kind of help. Yet figuring out exactly what we need can be tricky.
For me, I need to be accountable. Making good choices isn't always easy for me. So I need someone to check in with and challenge me a bit.
Thought I am a leader, I am no authority. I am merely a guide. Today I got to be an anonymous member. Something I haven't been in a while. It felt good to sit on the other side of things and see it all from a members point of view. It feels a little like home. I sat behind a woman who lost 80 pounds and shared her story. It was very different listening from a members perspective. It was very inspiring.
I have officially been snapped back on track and I feel good about my decision to come back. I already know it is an every day challenge. Having a little extra support-is a good thing.
Happy Saturday!
As a leader, I have a responsibility to my members to be on my game. Lately, I have been off. Sitting at my desk for the last two months has caught up with me. And though I have known it, I have been in denial that I will get it all back together. Truth is....I haven't been able to. So here I sit.
I talk to my Members about asking for help all the time. It is crucial to know when you need support. But it is also important to know what kind of support you need.
I remember a situation where I really needed to hear the right thing and it took me THREE calls to get the right response that I needed to make me feel better.
If you have ever asked someone for help and resented when they give it to you....you didn't ask for the right kind of help. Yet figuring out exactly what we need can be tricky.
For me, I need to be accountable. Making good choices isn't always easy for me. So I need someone to check in with and challenge me a bit.
Thought I am a leader, I am no authority. I am merely a guide. Today I got to be an anonymous member. Something I haven't been in a while. It felt good to sit on the other side of things and see it all from a members point of view. It feels a little like home. I sat behind a woman who lost 80 pounds and shared her story. It was very different listening from a members perspective. It was very inspiring.
I have officially been snapped back on track and I feel good about my decision to come back. I already know it is an every day challenge. Having a little extra support-is a good thing.
Happy Saturday!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wha????
The last few days, something has been nagging at me, and I don't know what it is. I sit at my computer as if I have something to look up or write, but nothing comes to mind. I feel like I'm missing something! Just don't know what.
In my quest to reduce my anxieties, I had to learn to listen and respond to signals in my body. However, the thing with anxiety is, sometimes it is a false alarm - which makes this process oh-so-fun!
It is a labor of love and desperation. It's a necessity, because the alternative is going nuts! And I'm already partly nutty - I don't wanna go full bore!
One day I had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. It sat there all day and I couldn't get rid of it. So, I finally decided to sit down and go through my events of the day to figure it out. It took me a good few minutes to pinpoint the event that set my anxieties on high. It was a conversation I had with a non-friend (someone who didn't really know me). I had said something I didn't think went over well, and it was bothering me that her opinion of me might be flawed! (God forbid we aren't all perfect).
I had to dissect the conversation (in my mind) and do a "what if" scenario in my head. What IF she took my comment wrong? Then what?
I literally had to play it out and bring my anxiety level down to a manageable level. It took about 30 minutes to do all this.
That's a lot of time to use when you have other things filling your life!
But it was necessary for me to move on, so I didn't have a choice. And, in the end, it was worth it, because if that happened again, I would be able to dissect it quicker and come to a faster resolution.
Sometimes I wish there was a little brain fairy writing down all the inner dialog in my brain. How many times I have had a conversation with myself that totally chipped away at my self confidence. And it usually runs in the background of my mind, so I don't usually hear it, so much as 'feel' it.
Don'tcha hate that???
So, while I don't know what this nagging is, I will have to sit and wait quietly until I figure out what it is. It's been there a few days now, and I'm hoping it isn't something big.
It would be so much easier to ignore it. Unfortunately for me, it just isn't possible. Hopefully it will come to me soon........
Happy Friday
In my quest to reduce my anxieties, I had to learn to listen and respond to signals in my body. However, the thing with anxiety is, sometimes it is a false alarm - which makes this process oh-so-fun!
It is a labor of love and desperation. It's a necessity, because the alternative is going nuts! And I'm already partly nutty - I don't wanna go full bore!
One day I had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. It sat there all day and I couldn't get rid of it. So, I finally decided to sit down and go through my events of the day to figure it out. It took me a good few minutes to pinpoint the event that set my anxieties on high. It was a conversation I had with a non-friend (someone who didn't really know me). I had said something I didn't think went over well, and it was bothering me that her opinion of me might be flawed! (God forbid we aren't all perfect).
I had to dissect the conversation (in my mind) and do a "what if" scenario in my head. What IF she took my comment wrong? Then what?
I literally had to play it out and bring my anxiety level down to a manageable level. It took about 30 minutes to do all this.
That's a lot of time to use when you have other things filling your life!
But it was necessary for me to move on, so I didn't have a choice. And, in the end, it was worth it, because if that happened again, I would be able to dissect it quicker and come to a faster resolution.
Sometimes I wish there was a little brain fairy writing down all the inner dialog in my brain. How many times I have had a conversation with myself that totally chipped away at my self confidence. And it usually runs in the background of my mind, so I don't usually hear it, so much as 'feel' it.
Don'tcha hate that???
So, while I don't know what this nagging is, I will have to sit and wait quietly until I figure out what it is. It's been there a few days now, and I'm hoping it isn't something big.
It would be so much easier to ignore it. Unfortunately for me, it just isn't possible. Hopefully it will come to me soon........
Happy Friday
Thursday, July 28, 2011
How much?
I gotta say, I still feel like I'm decompressing from all the dance schedules, shooting schedules, visitors schedules etc..... I got to have some girls sleepover for my kids and I kept looking at my watch like, "Isn't there something I had scheduled today???" It was a very weird thing to have my arms hanging as long as each other with nothing to get in their way.
I did the same thing yesterday as I got in the car with the girls and "grandpa" to go to L.A. I was a PASSENGER!!! It was such a delight to not have any control over where we were going!
He toured us through L.A. and where he used to work and told us how old some of the building were (some of which as a banker at the time, he helped finance!). He saw many of the building get built. FASCINATING.
We landed at the Natural History Museum. We went to the California Science Center and we also toured through his Alma Mater, USC.
I got a chuckle out of it, because the things that were so poignant to him held less interest to the girls. As we approached "Tommy Trojan", grandpa walked purposefully in 'his' direction, while the girls were looking over their shoulders at a man made geyser, with water shooting out of the ground. Grandpa practically had to grab them by their hair (well an exaggerated visual in my mind) to get them to stand in front of Tommy for a photo op! Gpa stood proud with his girls to take a picture. What a great sight, indeed!
Oh, and yes...the girls got their picture with the water too......
We had such a great day, I feel like my summer has finally started. This week is the girls birthday week, and I really want to focus my extra time on spending it with them.
However, as life would have it, things get thrown into your path.
I was recently asked to do something on the weekend, and from the second I heard the request, my heart sank. How do I say no? It's a special request for someone who is sick. Normally, my heart wouldn't hesitate to say yes...but this time it did.
I said yes initially, but the nagging inside me wouldn't go away. I didn't want to lose this weekend that I had so looked forward to. A weekend of complete freedom to do with my family as I wish.
How do you know when too much is too much?
For me, it is a tough call, because this person who asked me would not hesitate to do anything for me. And she is asking me to do something for someone under very special circumstances.
But at this time, I feel like I am at a crossroads of self (and family) preservation and if I say yes, I am getting in the way of my own family, which is where I need to cross the line (even though I feel like I'm going to hell for making this decision). The guilt will eat at me all day, I'm sure.
But when I got out of bed this morning, I pretty much leapt to the computer to send her an email. I guess I moved pretty fast, because my husband came out and said, "What's wrong?" Clearly, he knows me well!
I always tell my members that we have to listen to our bodies. There is a physical cue that happens inside your body when there is an adverse reaction to something you don't feel is right. It's there in all of us, but most tend to ignore or stuff it.
I tried to stuff it. I tried......but the nagging overtook me. If I'm not there mentally, I won't do a good job. I gave up my last weekend to clean a house, and it overtook my whole weekend with sadness. I really need this weekend to focus on joy and focus on my children for their birthdays.
Sometimes it sucks having to make these decisions. And sometimes it sucks more than others. Today is one of those days. But I can't deny the nagging in my body that is saying I need to focus on my family this weekend. They are always the first to get pushed off, and it's time to turn it around!
Hopefully, hell can wait another day for me.
Happy Thursday!
I did the same thing yesterday as I got in the car with the girls and "grandpa" to go to L.A. I was a PASSENGER!!! It was such a delight to not have any control over where we were going!
He toured us through L.A. and where he used to work and told us how old some of the building were (some of which as a banker at the time, he helped finance!). He saw many of the building get built. FASCINATING.
We landed at the Natural History Museum. We went to the California Science Center and we also toured through his Alma Mater, USC.
I got a chuckle out of it, because the things that were so poignant to him held less interest to the girls. As we approached "Tommy Trojan", grandpa walked purposefully in 'his' direction, while the girls were looking over their shoulders at a man made geyser, with water shooting out of the ground. Grandpa practically had to grab them by their hair (well an exaggerated visual in my mind) to get them to stand in front of Tommy for a photo op! Gpa stood proud with his girls to take a picture. What a great sight, indeed!
However, as life would have it, things get thrown into your path.
I was recently asked to do something on the weekend, and from the second I heard the request, my heart sank. How do I say no? It's a special request for someone who is sick. Normally, my heart wouldn't hesitate to say yes...but this time it did.
I said yes initially, but the nagging inside me wouldn't go away. I didn't want to lose this weekend that I had so looked forward to. A weekend of complete freedom to do with my family as I wish.
How do you know when too much is too much?
For me, it is a tough call, because this person who asked me would not hesitate to do anything for me. And she is asking me to do something for someone under very special circumstances.
But at this time, I feel like I am at a crossroads of self (and family) preservation and if I say yes, I am getting in the way of my own family, which is where I need to cross the line (even though I feel like I'm going to hell for making this decision). The guilt will eat at me all day, I'm sure.
But when I got out of bed this morning, I pretty much leapt to the computer to send her an email. I guess I moved pretty fast, because my husband came out and said, "What's wrong?" Clearly, he knows me well!
I always tell my members that we have to listen to our bodies. There is a physical cue that happens inside your body when there is an adverse reaction to something you don't feel is right. It's there in all of us, but most tend to ignore or stuff it.
I tried to stuff it. I tried......but the nagging overtook me. If I'm not there mentally, I won't do a good job. I gave up my last weekend to clean a house, and it overtook my whole weekend with sadness. I really need this weekend to focus on joy and focus on my children for their birthdays.
Sometimes it sucks having to make these decisions. And sometimes it sucks more than others. Today is one of those days. But I can't deny the nagging in my body that is saying I need to focus on my family this weekend. They are always the first to get pushed off, and it's time to turn it around!
Hopefully, hell can wait another day for me.
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Hornin' in
Last week we got a phone call from my in laws that they wanted to invite our girls to an outing in L.A. My husband was on the phone with them and I said, "I wanna go too!?"
Now, as I blurted this out, I didn't even think to myself that they just want a day with the kids.
I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I was totally gonna go to L.A. with them, what a great opportunity to do it all together! But as the time comes closer, I am feeling a little guilty that I horned in on what could have been a very special/intimate day with the grandparents.
My in laws are fabulous people. Even if that wasn't their original intention, they would graciously accept me.....which is why I'm feeling guilty.
I remember one time, I wanted to do a photoshoot for my (then) 11 year old niece, who was visiting from Norway. But as she didn't have any concrete friends here, I decided I would borrow my friends daughter. Well my friend actually has 4 daughters, two of which are very good friends with my own daughters. However, her eldest is not one of the close friends of my daughter.
Since I had my girls with me, I was going to take them on the photo shoot. My girlfriend agreed to let me borrow her daughter, but when she found out why, she mentioned how the other girls would love to do it too........and out of guilt, I took them. So, instead of having 2 main models (most of the focus time) and two mini models (a slight portion of the focus time)....I ended up with 6 altogether...and had to try to give equal focus time so I could get them all in.
Now, as a photographer, one model is hard enough. You have to work with hair, makeup, mood, lighting poses, etc....... Now, multiply that times 6 in the same time period you were gonna do 2 (and 2)!
I was exhausted by the end of the shoot, and the worst part of all, is the two main girls I wanted to make feel special, were reduced to a small ingredient in a big batch! I was very sad. But at the time, I didn't know how to tell my friend that she just kind of ruined my concept and the quality time with her daughter.
Sometimes we forget the big picture. It's not always about "us". Though, most of us would like it to be!
In this instance, though I am very excited to go to L.A. and spend time with family, I am going to sit back a bit and let the girls enjoy this time with their grandparents. I never had this growing up, so it means the world to me that my kids do!
They have 3 sets of grandparents to hang with, and they enjoy their relationships with each one differently. My mom is very laid back, while Chris' mom is at their every beck and call. And Chris' dad and step mom dote and spoil the girls, which of course, my girls love!
As my dad has passed, this time with my father in law is most important to me. I'm not sure how my dad would have been, but I'm sure he would have gotten a kick out of my girls. Unfortunately, I can only imagine at this point.
Life is very precious, and it is made more rich by the relationships we have. And for that reason, I will enjoy the fact that I horned in, and I will take my camera and document my experiences today, without regret! But for today, I will call it, "taking advantage".
Happy Wednesday!!!
Now, as I blurted this out, I didn't even think to myself that they just want a day with the kids.
I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, I was totally gonna go to L.A. with them, what a great opportunity to do it all together! But as the time comes closer, I am feeling a little guilty that I horned in on what could have been a very special/intimate day with the grandparents.
My in laws are fabulous people. Even if that wasn't their original intention, they would graciously accept me.....which is why I'm feeling guilty.
I remember one time, I wanted to do a photoshoot for my (then) 11 year old niece, who was visiting from Norway. But as she didn't have any concrete friends here, I decided I would borrow my friends daughter. Well my friend actually has 4 daughters, two of which are very good friends with my own daughters. However, her eldest is not one of the close friends of my daughter.
Since I had my girls with me, I was going to take them on the photo shoot. My girlfriend agreed to let me borrow her daughter, but when she found out why, she mentioned how the other girls would love to do it too........and out of guilt, I took them. So, instead of having 2 main models (most of the focus time) and two mini models (a slight portion of the focus time)....I ended up with 6 altogether...and had to try to give equal focus time so I could get them all in.
Now, as a photographer, one model is hard enough. You have to work with hair, makeup, mood, lighting poses, etc....... Now, multiply that times 6 in the same time period you were gonna do 2 (and 2)!
I was exhausted by the end of the shoot, and the worst part of all, is the two main girls I wanted to make feel special, were reduced to a small ingredient in a big batch! I was very sad. But at the time, I didn't know how to tell my friend that she just kind of ruined my concept and the quality time with her daughter.
Sometimes we forget the big picture. It's not always about "us". Though, most of us would like it to be!
In this instance, though I am very excited to go to L.A. and spend time with family, I am going to sit back a bit and let the girls enjoy this time with their grandparents. I never had this growing up, so it means the world to me that my kids do!
They have 3 sets of grandparents to hang with, and they enjoy their relationships with each one differently. My mom is very laid back, while Chris' mom is at their every beck and call. And Chris' dad and step mom dote and spoil the girls, which of course, my girls love!
As my dad has passed, this time with my father in law is most important to me. I'm not sure how my dad would have been, but I'm sure he would have gotten a kick out of my girls. Unfortunately, I can only imagine at this point.
Life is very precious, and it is made more rich by the relationships we have. And for that reason, I will enjoy the fact that I horned in, and I will take my camera and document my experiences today, without regret! But for today, I will call it, "taking advantage".
Happy Wednesday!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Summer Lovin'
I am getting that summer lovin' feelin'!
Yesterday I got my first dose of summer play. Granted, it was driving my kids around so they could play, but isn't that what summer's about? Forget the days where I could cut and run and go to a movie, or the beach. Now, it comes with little 8 and 10 year old strings. But that's okay.
The girls had some friends over and we decided to go to Jumpin' Jammin. I sat there for at least 2 hours while they ran around. I kept waiting for them to come back to me and say, "okay, let's go", but I couldn't find them anywhere. I even took a nap on one of the couches while kids screamed and ran all around me. Now that is a mothers gift! Being able to shut the noise out for a snooze. I guarantee you men don't have that.
My husband makes fun of me, because when at home, I need complete silence. He jokes with me that I could hear an ants footsteps on the window when I'm trying to sleep.
But when at Jumpin' Jammin, I can tune it all out. I think that has to do with filters. We mothers know "which" sounds to worry about. At night, when I'm at home, it's a different ball game. I'm not sure why. Maybe I should by an annual pass to Jumpin Jammin to make sure I'm well rested!
After we left there, we stopped at Yogurtland. The girls offered to pay with their own money (at my suggestion) for themselves and their friends. It was very cute watching them sit at the table chatting amongst themselves. Like little teenagers!
Later we went to the lake. This was definitely my idea. I get to sit again. (there's a method to my madness). It was so nice to have a book, and just watch the water and relax. This, to me is summer!
I tried to figure out what to feed the little monsters as they were all spending the night and I had 4 mouths to feed. I decided to rely on old faithful....pizza!
I really hate the old cliche food, but as time ran short, it was the best option. I threw in some cut up apples to even it out.
When we got home, we sat around the table and chatted. THIS...is my favorite part. I would ask questions, and let them go off in their millions of directions with their answers. As they are comfortable chatting together, they almost forget that I am there! So, I get to hear the good stuff!
Earlier in the day, my daughter lied to me about something stupid. I was very disappointed in her (and her friend), and I brought that up at dinner. I asked about friends who are liars, and do you trust them, and how would you feel if....etc.... Hearing it from me is one thing. Hearing it all at the table, surrounded by your peers is another. I am thankful for the dinner table.
Finally, after dinner it was time for the bedtime routine. We pulled out the cots, made the beds, brushed the teeth, and down they went!
My heart was happy. I got to (finally) spend a day in their lives.
I have big plans this summer. And I guess I better get on them, because summer's more than half over!
I want to hike and go to Disneyland and just play! I miss seeing my kids on this level. If work didn't get in the way, I would be playing with them all the time! (okay, not all the time, but you get what I mean).
As we were at the lake yesterday, some teen girls were screaming at some boys. It was funny at first, but as the hour went on, it wore on my nerves. Aspen came over and said, "What are they doing?" I said, being girls. Take a good look. That will be you in a few years. But please be less annoying when you get there!" She told me to shusshhh.... She doesn't like talking about who she is gonna be and how she is gonna change. I love that about her. She's taking one day at a time. And enjoying every minute of it. This is my last summer with her as an elementary girl. So I will take advantage of every last day that I can!!!
Happy Summer Tuesday!
Yesterday I got my first dose of summer play. Granted, it was driving my kids around so they could play, but isn't that what summer's about? Forget the days where I could cut and run and go to a movie, or the beach. Now, it comes with little 8 and 10 year old strings. But that's okay.
The girls had some friends over and we decided to go to Jumpin' Jammin. I sat there for at least 2 hours while they ran around. I kept waiting for them to come back to me and say, "okay, let's go", but I couldn't find them anywhere. I even took a nap on one of the couches while kids screamed and ran all around me. Now that is a mothers gift! Being able to shut the noise out for a snooze. I guarantee you men don't have that.
My husband makes fun of me, because when at home, I need complete silence. He jokes with me that I could hear an ants footsteps on the window when I'm trying to sleep.
But when at Jumpin' Jammin, I can tune it all out. I think that has to do with filters. We mothers know "which" sounds to worry about. At night, when I'm at home, it's a different ball game. I'm not sure why. Maybe I should by an annual pass to Jumpin Jammin to make sure I'm well rested!
After we left there, we stopped at Yogurtland. The girls offered to pay with their own money (at my suggestion) for themselves and their friends. It was very cute watching them sit at the table chatting amongst themselves. Like little teenagers!
Later we went to the lake. This was definitely my idea. I get to sit again. (there's a method to my madness). It was so nice to have a book, and just watch the water and relax. This, to me is summer!
I tried to figure out what to feed the little monsters as they were all spending the night and I had 4 mouths to feed. I decided to rely on old faithful....pizza!
I really hate the old cliche food, but as time ran short, it was the best option. I threw in some cut up apples to even it out.
When we got home, we sat around the table and chatted. THIS...is my favorite part. I would ask questions, and let them go off in their millions of directions with their answers. As they are comfortable chatting together, they almost forget that I am there! So, I get to hear the good stuff!
Earlier in the day, my daughter lied to me about something stupid. I was very disappointed in her (and her friend), and I brought that up at dinner. I asked about friends who are liars, and do you trust them, and how would you feel if....etc.... Hearing it from me is one thing. Hearing it all at the table, surrounded by your peers is another. I am thankful for the dinner table.
Finally, after dinner it was time for the bedtime routine. We pulled out the cots, made the beds, brushed the teeth, and down they went!
My heart was happy. I got to (finally) spend a day in their lives.
I have big plans this summer. And I guess I better get on them, because summer's more than half over!
I want to hike and go to Disneyland and just play! I miss seeing my kids on this level. If work didn't get in the way, I would be playing with them all the time! (okay, not all the time, but you get what I mean).
As we were at the lake yesterday, some teen girls were screaming at some boys. It was funny at first, but as the hour went on, it wore on my nerves. Aspen came over and said, "What are they doing?" I said, being girls. Take a good look. That will be you in a few years. But please be less annoying when you get there!" She told me to shusshhh.... She doesn't like talking about who she is gonna be and how she is gonna change. I love that about her. She's taking one day at a time. And enjoying every minute of it. This is my last summer with her as an elementary girl. So I will take advantage of every last day that I can!!!
Happy Summer Tuesday!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Judge not, lest ye be judged
The other day when we were cleaning out that house, it was apparent that it had not been cared for in some time. When we got there, we assessed the placed and all the cleaning products were pulled out and off to work we went.
As we got rid of the big stuff and were left with just the bones of the house, the level of filth started to sink in. The master bathroom had dust and webs on the walls. As we swept through, the dust filtered into my lungs. It was very thick. Even though this house lay empty for a few months, the level of dirt was much longer.
People lived here. How does one let it get so far, that they can't look at their own surroundings and see that change needs to be made? And are they affecting the lives of others, or just themselves?
My heart sank, heavily. I actually cried. I wanted so badly to judge. This is a very unhealthy environment for anyone to live in, especially children. And I had my two girls there, helping clean every nook and cranny to make this place saleable and attractive.
As it turned out, we got through the day. We made the place look decent....and then we left.
I came home to my house with new eyes.
My girls always complain when we have to clean our house. After seeing this house, they now know the potential, if we keep letting it go.
Sunday, we cleaned our house. They sat in their rooms going through a lot of stuff. As I started cleaning my bathroom, I saw the beginnings of what I had cleaned at that house. I was on my way - if I didn't fix it now!
The potential is there for all of us. We have the choice at any time to make things right, but sometimes we choose to look away.
I try so hard not to judge, because I am not perfect by any means. I feel like I am so naive in thinking everythinig is okay. Maybe I just cloud my own mind, because the truth hurts too much. And every time I have to actually face it, I emotionally shut down, and withdraw trying to process it all.
Yesterday was hard. I went to church and sat next to my husband, and he could tell that something wasn't right. I barely listened to the sermon on Faith. I'm sure there was a lesson there, but my heart couldn't hear a thing. I sat in my room, cleaning; trying to make things right. As if cleaning my house would fix their situation.
In the end, I can only control myself and my little world. I can do my best to clean my own house and make my children responsible to clean their own little world. Hopefully, I'll help them to be more responsible than I am. Not likely...they are off to a rocky start thanks to lack of direction from their parents. But we won't give up! I still have them for a few years before they go sailing off into the sunset.
But I must start with me.
Happy Monday
As we got rid of the big stuff and were left with just the bones of the house, the level of filth started to sink in. The master bathroom had dust and webs on the walls. As we swept through, the dust filtered into my lungs. It was very thick. Even though this house lay empty for a few months, the level of dirt was much longer.
People lived here. How does one let it get so far, that they can't look at their own surroundings and see that change needs to be made? And are they affecting the lives of others, or just themselves?
My heart sank, heavily. I actually cried. I wanted so badly to judge. This is a very unhealthy environment for anyone to live in, especially children. And I had my two girls there, helping clean every nook and cranny to make this place saleable and attractive.
As it turned out, we got through the day. We made the place look decent....and then we left.
I came home to my house with new eyes.
My girls always complain when we have to clean our house. After seeing this house, they now know the potential, if we keep letting it go.
Sunday, we cleaned our house. They sat in their rooms going through a lot of stuff. As I started cleaning my bathroom, I saw the beginnings of what I had cleaned at that house. I was on my way - if I didn't fix it now!
The potential is there for all of us. We have the choice at any time to make things right, but sometimes we choose to look away.
I try so hard not to judge, because I am not perfect by any means. I feel like I am so naive in thinking everythinig is okay. Maybe I just cloud my own mind, because the truth hurts too much. And every time I have to actually face it, I emotionally shut down, and withdraw trying to process it all.
Yesterday was hard. I went to church and sat next to my husband, and he could tell that something wasn't right. I barely listened to the sermon on Faith. I'm sure there was a lesson there, but my heart couldn't hear a thing. I sat in my room, cleaning; trying to make things right. As if cleaning my house would fix their situation.
In the end, I can only control myself and my little world. I can do my best to clean my own house and make my children responsible to clean their own little world. Hopefully, I'll help them to be more responsible than I am. Not likely...they are off to a rocky start thanks to lack of direction from their parents. But we won't give up! I still have them for a few years before they go sailing off into the sunset.
But I must start with me.
Happy Monday
Sunday, July 24, 2011
What I am not
My favorite question is,
Do you remember????
I don't know why people bother to ask me that question in ANY form! I do remember.....until I don't!
I remember most EVERYONE' birthday. Just not on THAT day!!! I have boyfriends from high school....still remember their birthdays. Friends, I know most of their birthdays. Hubby - check, kids - check, mom - check, dad - check, siblings etc....check check check! But on that day...don't wait for the phone to ring from me....just sayin'!
Some people are very good at remembering every detail, and they are VERY good at following up on those details. I'm not some people......And I get frustrated when people expect things of me and I don't deliver.
Did I ever tell you about the time I forgot to invite my mom to Mothers Day Brunch? I called her the day before. Luckily....she was free!
My husband once asked my why I ordered olives on a pizza. I said, I like them, why? He said "I don't! Have you EVER seen me order olives?" Honestly, my love....I never paid attention to that!
If I go somewhere and order food for the family, I have to call my husband and ask him what the kids will eat. I don't have any idea, I never pay attention, because it is not something I can keep in my brain very long. It's too much info and it changes too fast. It's not my thing to remember!
I got yelled at once, because I gave my friends accolades and not my best friend. In this instance I was bothered. If I spend my every day or week talking to my friend, why do I need to tell her how I feel? Don't my actions speak loud enough? Apparently not. But once again, I don't pay attention to those things.
We are coming up on the girls birthdays. It is my least favorite time of the year. I know I wrote about this last year. And I know I am not alone in this.........
Their birthdays bring me so much anxiety, that I cannot be bothered with it.
Yes....I am a mother....and I just said that!
If it were up to me, I would spend the day, taking my girls to Disneyland, or Farrells, or somewhere fun, where we could celebrate as a family. I would have family over for one night for both girls (as they are a week apart) and be done with it.
But my girls want the moon and everything under it when it comes to their birthdays.
They want to invite friends. But those who don't get invited get their feelings hurt....and that is what kills me.
I don't have enough money for their high hopes. I don't have enough energy to negotiate to lower their hopes.
This year, I negotiated with them.....either a party, OR a Disney Pass. This was a struggle for them. Avery wanted both. So, she is trying to plan her own birthday party with the few dollars she has in her possession, so she can have both. BUT....what she doesn't realize, is there is still a ton of effort on MY part to make that happen.
So.....how do you negotiate?
Avery's birthday is in 2 days. We have nothing planned - as yet.
For her birthday, I want her to feel special, but I am crippled as to how that will happen. And Chris keeps asking if I have anything planned, and snubs his nose every time I tell him NO!!! I'm thinking HE can help out here if he wants. Why does it have to fall on me????
Am I alone in this? If I'm a bad mom, fire away! Maybe I need another point of view?
I have a friend who throws fantastic parties for her kids on a budget. She has even made her own pinatas and dare I say.....they are better than the stores!!!
But, I am NOT that person! I am a very different person. I don't care for all the pomp and circumstance. But it's not my birthday....and I am not 8 years old turning 9......or 10 years old turning 11.
Ughh.......my poor kids.
I spend so much time trying to get through my own stuff, that I forget that I'm responsible for them too - and all their activities and planning. I can't plan to clean my own room.....how can I think of a party?
Can you feel my stress?
I know I will get through this. But as for them....if they make a deal to get Disney Passes, should they still get a party? Even if they pay themselves? I think they want their cake and eat it too. Not sure how to get through this one. I like her initiative. I'm not arguing that. I'm just not sure which way to go on this.
We'll get through it, either way. And when it is all said and done, I will ban them from talking about their next birthdays until June. Just like I do every year.
But for now....I'm hoping for the miracle birthday fairy to swoop in and cover all the details.
I can't give what I don't have....
Happy Sunday...... : /
Do you remember????
I don't know why people bother to ask me that question in ANY form! I do remember.....until I don't!
I remember most EVERYONE' birthday. Just not on THAT day!!! I have boyfriends from high school....still remember their birthdays. Friends, I know most of their birthdays. Hubby - check, kids - check, mom - check, dad - check, siblings etc....check check check! But on that day...don't wait for the phone to ring from me....just sayin'!
Some people are very good at remembering every detail, and they are VERY good at following up on those details. I'm not some people......And I get frustrated when people expect things of me and I don't deliver.
Did I ever tell you about the time I forgot to invite my mom to Mothers Day Brunch? I called her the day before. Luckily....she was free!
My husband once asked my why I ordered olives on a pizza. I said, I like them, why? He said "I don't! Have you EVER seen me order olives?" Honestly, my love....I never paid attention to that!
If I go somewhere and order food for the family, I have to call my husband and ask him what the kids will eat. I don't have any idea, I never pay attention, because it is not something I can keep in my brain very long. It's too much info and it changes too fast. It's not my thing to remember!
I got yelled at once, because I gave my friends accolades and not my best friend. In this instance I was bothered. If I spend my every day or week talking to my friend, why do I need to tell her how I feel? Don't my actions speak loud enough? Apparently not. But once again, I don't pay attention to those things.
We are coming up on the girls birthdays. It is my least favorite time of the year. I know I wrote about this last year. And I know I am not alone in this.........
Their birthdays bring me so much anxiety, that I cannot be bothered with it.
Yes....I am a mother....and I just said that!
If it were up to me, I would spend the day, taking my girls to Disneyland, or Farrells, or somewhere fun, where we could celebrate as a family. I would have family over for one night for both girls (as they are a week apart) and be done with it.
But my girls want the moon and everything under it when it comes to their birthdays.
They want to invite friends. But those who don't get invited get their feelings hurt....and that is what kills me.
I don't have enough money for their high hopes. I don't have enough energy to negotiate to lower their hopes.
This year, I negotiated with them.....either a party, OR a Disney Pass. This was a struggle for them. Avery wanted both. So, she is trying to plan her own birthday party with the few dollars she has in her possession, so she can have both. BUT....what she doesn't realize, is there is still a ton of effort on MY part to make that happen.
So.....how do you negotiate?
Avery's birthday is in 2 days. We have nothing planned - as yet.
For her birthday, I want her to feel special, but I am crippled as to how that will happen. And Chris keeps asking if I have anything planned, and snubs his nose every time I tell him NO!!! I'm thinking HE can help out here if he wants. Why does it have to fall on me????
Am I alone in this? If I'm a bad mom, fire away! Maybe I need another point of view?
I have a friend who throws fantastic parties for her kids on a budget. She has even made her own pinatas and dare I say.....they are better than the stores!!!
But, I am NOT that person! I am a very different person. I don't care for all the pomp and circumstance. But it's not my birthday....and I am not 8 years old turning 9......or 10 years old turning 11.
Ughh.......my poor kids.
I spend so much time trying to get through my own stuff, that I forget that I'm responsible for them too - and all their activities and planning. I can't plan to clean my own room.....how can I think of a party?
Can you feel my stress?
I know I will get through this. But as for them....if they make a deal to get Disney Passes, should they still get a party? Even if they pay themselves? I think they want their cake and eat it too. Not sure how to get through this one. I like her initiative. I'm not arguing that. I'm just not sure which way to go on this.
We'll get through it, either way. And when it is all said and done, I will ban them from talking about their next birthdays until June. Just like I do every year.
But for now....I'm hoping for the miracle birthday fairy to swoop in and cover all the details.
I can't give what I don't have....
Happy Sunday...... : /
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Humbled and moving forward
Up at 6am on a Saturday.....yay me!
I tried to go back to sleep, but it was useless.
Today was going to be a free day for me, but I offered my services to help clean a house that is being shortsaled. It has fallen through twice already, and in it's current state doesn't
qualify for an FHA loan, so some things need to be fixed and cleaned. So.......I am going to help. I am taking my girls with me.
I would rather be cleaning and organizing my own home, but things come up, and this sale is very important so there is no question.
It has been left in a 'cut and run' state. Left behind. Moved out of to move on, if you will.
I can see why. Who wants to look back, right? If you are leaving your house for short sale, chances are, you didn't want to leave in the first place.
I know many people going through this, and they feel like failures. It is a very painful lesson to learn that we only have so much control. But the truth is, we only have so much control. There is no way around it.
We can't control what happens to us, but we can control our reaction to it. And I think your reaction comes down to how much support, and or faith you have.
In recent years, there has been a lot more focus on priorities. A house is a house....but family is real. Friends are real. God is real.
We have had some support ourselvles. Some emotional, some financial. Any support received is a humbling experience. One should be humbled at least once a month on some level. Honestly.
When one is humbled, they are forced to look around and outside of themselves. I am blessed to be humbled.
Yesterday, my sisters country, Norway, was rocked by bombs and terror. They just got home this last week. What a welcoming. I can't imagine how devastated she must feel to be home, safe.....and have this happen in her back door.
I am sure she felt as we did, when Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma city many years ago - before 9-11 really rocked our world.
At these times, we can't help but look at our loved ones and hold them tighter and kiss them more. At these times, we do. But we need to do it more, and not only at 'these times'.
We need to create more times to look outside ourselves and appreciate and be humbled.
Today, I will be humbled while cleaning out this house. I will be joyful with my girls and my friend. I will blast the music loud (probably to Burlesque) and we will sing at the top of our lungs, and I will make this day count!
Find a way to be humbled today. It's a good place to be.
Happy Saturday.
I tried to go back to sleep, but it was useless.
Today was going to be a free day for me, but I offered my services to help clean a house that is being shortsaled. It has fallen through twice already, and in it's current state doesn't
qualify for an FHA loan, so some things need to be fixed and cleaned. So.......I am going to help. I am taking my girls with me.
I would rather be cleaning and organizing my own home, but things come up, and this sale is very important so there is no question.
It has been left in a 'cut and run' state. Left behind. Moved out of to move on, if you will.
I can see why. Who wants to look back, right? If you are leaving your house for short sale, chances are, you didn't want to leave in the first place.
I know many people going through this, and they feel like failures. It is a very painful lesson to learn that we only have so much control. But the truth is, we only have so much control. There is no way around it.
We can't control what happens to us, but we can control our reaction to it. And I think your reaction comes down to how much support, and or faith you have.
In recent years, there has been a lot more focus on priorities. A house is a house....but family is real. Friends are real. God is real.
We have had some support ourselvles. Some emotional, some financial. Any support received is a humbling experience. One should be humbled at least once a month on some level. Honestly.
When one is humbled, they are forced to look around and outside of themselves. I am blessed to be humbled.
Yesterday, my sisters country, Norway, was rocked by bombs and terror. They just got home this last week. What a welcoming. I can't imagine how devastated she must feel to be home, safe.....and have this happen in her back door.
I am sure she felt as we did, when Timothy McVeigh bombed Oklahoma city many years ago - before 9-11 really rocked our world.
At these times, we can't help but look at our loved ones and hold them tighter and kiss them more. At these times, we do. But we need to do it more, and not only at 'these times'.
We need to create more times to look outside ourselves and appreciate and be humbled.
Today, I will be humbled while cleaning out this house. I will be joyful with my girls and my friend. I will blast the music loud (probably to Burlesque) and we will sing at the top of our lungs, and I will make this day count!
Find a way to be humbled today. It's a good place to be.
Happy Saturday.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Carpet Stains
A friend of mine went to marriage counseling once and conveyed a story that stuck with me. She said, sometimes marriage is like a Persian carpet. When you look at the carpet, it's beautiful, intricate, colorful. But sometimes, there is a stain. And sometimes it is hard to see the beauty, when all you focus on is the stain. What she meant was you can't see the marriage for the good, only the bad elements.
I guess because it was a visual comment, it stuck with me. I like stories that tie meanings together. I don't remember details, but I remember how I felt. I'm weird that way.
But, back to the stain.......
Marriages ebb and flow, just like all relationships. There are times you are madly in love (I hope) and times you just can't stand each other. There are times that communication is effortless, and other times you dare not even say "Hi".
But a good relationship stays the course until the good times come around again.
Right now, I feel like we are kind of in the middle somewhere. I have been so busy, and Chris has been so busy that we have disconnected a bit. We definitely have to pull back together - and we will.
But, lately, it's been a struggle, because the connection is weaker than it should be, so communication is a bit forced. However, the effort is there on both parts (right babe???) and we are trying.
Lately, we have been trying (together) to keep the house in good order, like when the Norwegians were here. I came home last night and Chris had picked up the kitchen (which was like a breath of fresh air). He let me know he put my cereal away (I'm notorious for cutting and running....when I'm done with something it stays where I left it).
I wasn't in the best mood, so I said, "Oh....okay....well, I turned off all your lights when you fell asleep last night!" BAM! The competition is on! We are looking at the stain on the carpet!
I was a bit irritated, because I DID finish the girls bathroom, and was quite pleased that at least one item was marked off the list. I was riding the crest of the wave.
But he ripped me out of the water and brought me back to the reality that the bathroom is a speck of dust in a dust storm and that more has to be done. I didn't want to go there yet.
Communication is imperative in a relationship. It is the water to the plant that you want to live. But, communication is an art. And for men, it's a real tough thing, because when they say something to a woman, who is so filled with emotions and hormones, he doesn't know whether he's entering paradise, or a war zone. And the same comment can go either way, depending on the mental state of the recipient.
I feel sorry for guys. I know for Chris he practically ducks for cover after he says something, even though he thinks it's a nice comment.
Thankfully, he's a resilient person, and he always comes back to the point until it is settled. That makes a big difference. I remember one time in particular, I went into shut down mode, and he followed me through the house until we finished our ummmmm....... discussion????
Dr. Phil says he can predict a divorce based on certain things, one of which is how you finish an argument. You MUST finish your argument and not leave it "hanging". It must be resolved.
For non-communicators, this is very difficult. And if you are a non communicator and your marriage is failing, it's time to start opening up more about your feelings. It isn't easy, but it is worth it in the end. To be able to look at your other half, and know, without reservation, how you feel about each other.
Though I don't always want to finish arguments, I realize the importance of it. And I am thankful to Chris for making this happen. He usually makes me laugh when all is said and done, which removes the stain. He is a funny guy, I'm thankful for that too!
We aren't perfect, but we do water our garden and we do stain removals too. :)
Happy Friday!!!
I guess because it was a visual comment, it stuck with me. I like stories that tie meanings together. I don't remember details, but I remember how I felt. I'm weird that way.
But, back to the stain.......
Marriages ebb and flow, just like all relationships. There are times you are madly in love (I hope) and times you just can't stand each other. There are times that communication is effortless, and other times you dare not even say "Hi".
But a good relationship stays the course until the good times come around again.
Right now, I feel like we are kind of in the middle somewhere. I have been so busy, and Chris has been so busy that we have disconnected a bit. We definitely have to pull back together - and we will.
But, lately, it's been a struggle, because the connection is weaker than it should be, so communication is a bit forced. However, the effort is there on both parts (right babe???) and we are trying.
Lately, we have been trying (together) to keep the house in good order, like when the Norwegians were here. I came home last night and Chris had picked up the kitchen (which was like a breath of fresh air). He let me know he put my cereal away (I'm notorious for cutting and running....when I'm done with something it stays where I left it).
I wasn't in the best mood, so I said, "Oh....okay....well, I turned off all your lights when you fell asleep last night!" BAM! The competition is on! We are looking at the stain on the carpet!
I was a bit irritated, because I DID finish the girls bathroom, and was quite pleased that at least one item was marked off the list. I was riding the crest of the wave.
But he ripped me out of the water and brought me back to the reality that the bathroom is a speck of dust in a dust storm and that more has to be done. I didn't want to go there yet.
Communication is imperative in a relationship. It is the water to the plant that you want to live. But, communication is an art. And for men, it's a real tough thing, because when they say something to a woman, who is so filled with emotions and hormones, he doesn't know whether he's entering paradise, or a war zone. And the same comment can go either way, depending on the mental state of the recipient.
I feel sorry for guys. I know for Chris he practically ducks for cover after he says something, even though he thinks it's a nice comment.
Thankfully, he's a resilient person, and he always comes back to the point until it is settled. That makes a big difference. I remember one time in particular, I went into shut down mode, and he followed me through the house until we finished our ummmmm....... discussion????
Dr. Phil says he can predict a divorce based on certain things, one of which is how you finish an argument. You MUST finish your argument and not leave it "hanging". It must be resolved.
For non-communicators, this is very difficult. And if you are a non communicator and your marriage is failing, it's time to start opening up more about your feelings. It isn't easy, but it is worth it in the end. To be able to look at your other half, and know, without reservation, how you feel about each other.
Though I don't always want to finish arguments, I realize the importance of it. And I am thankful to Chris for making this happen. He usually makes me laugh when all is said and done, which removes the stain. He is a funny guy, I'm thankful for that too!
We aren't perfect, but we do water our garden and we do stain removals too. :)
Happy Friday!!!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Middle school insights.....
The last few days Aspen and I have gotten some insight into middle school.
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
In this case, we have had a few teachers offer some information, or even insight to Aspen's upcoming middle school experience. I am not sure what she is getting from all the talk, but I do see she is listening. What I am getting in all of this is the same two pieces of advice and information across the board, and I am going to quote it as it has been said to me.
First - "girls are caddy bitches". And second, "talk to your kids". And by that, just keep talking....
My neighbor was over getting pictures for her son, and we started talking. She told Aspen all about her kids experiences in middle school and what she should expect and even to make sure she chooses her spot at the lunch table, and how to coordinate things with her friends during the first weeks of school.
She told aspen how the kids will start experimenting with things and that she needs to be careful who she associates with and to not be afraid if something happens where she has to make the decision to part from friends if they are making bad choices.
I watched aspens face, and I swear she was trying to take in as much as possible. She knows it is exciting to get older and be on her own, but as she doesn't know what to expect, she is curious. So we were both thankful for the information.
I keep hearing things that people say about girls and the nasty ways they behave and I am shocked a bit. I know some of it is human nature and spreading your wings. I remember some experiences when I was younger. But it seems to me there is a lot more psychological warfare going on. And to be honest, I am not sure how to prepare my child for that.
As a kid who has been assaulted, I remember not knowing how to 'break the news' to my parents, so I never did. But I do remember that the dialog wasn't there, so to initiate a conversation was a scary thing.
I want things to be different for my kids, but I don't want to give too much information too soon.
I have been talking with both my girls about things I have seen or heard that are not acceptable. When I hear them about my own children, it is immediately conveyed to correct the situation. I have blogged about that before.
But how do you talk about situations you don't know are going to happen?
The best I can do is talk to my daughter about her reactions to what is happening. There is no way I can anticipate what she will encounter. But I can let her know that she has the control and she needs to keep it.
So, all this said, if anyone has advice or books that will enlighten me more, please let me know. I don't intend to keep it to myself. I will share with others as well. After all, there is strength in numbers!
So while I can't do anything about the caddy girl issue, I certainly can talk until my kids ears fall off. And luckily....I'm okay with that!
Happy Thursday
They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
In this case, we have had a few teachers offer some information, or even insight to Aspen's upcoming middle school experience. I am not sure what she is getting from all the talk, but I do see she is listening. What I am getting in all of this is the same two pieces of advice and information across the board, and I am going to quote it as it has been said to me.
First - "girls are caddy bitches". And second, "talk to your kids". And by that, just keep talking....
My neighbor was over getting pictures for her son, and we started talking. She told Aspen all about her kids experiences in middle school and what she should expect and even to make sure she chooses her spot at the lunch table, and how to coordinate things with her friends during the first weeks of school.
She told aspen how the kids will start experimenting with things and that she needs to be careful who she associates with and to not be afraid if something happens where she has to make the decision to part from friends if they are making bad choices.
I watched aspens face, and I swear she was trying to take in as much as possible. She knows it is exciting to get older and be on her own, but as she doesn't know what to expect, she is curious. So we were both thankful for the information.
I keep hearing things that people say about girls and the nasty ways they behave and I am shocked a bit. I know some of it is human nature and spreading your wings. I remember some experiences when I was younger. But it seems to me there is a lot more psychological warfare going on. And to be honest, I am not sure how to prepare my child for that.
As a kid who has been assaulted, I remember not knowing how to 'break the news' to my parents, so I never did. But I do remember that the dialog wasn't there, so to initiate a conversation was a scary thing.
I want things to be different for my kids, but I don't want to give too much information too soon.
I have been talking with both my girls about things I have seen or heard that are not acceptable. When I hear them about my own children, it is immediately conveyed to correct the situation. I have blogged about that before.
But how do you talk about situations you don't know are going to happen?
The best I can do is talk to my daughter about her reactions to what is happening. There is no way I can anticipate what she will encounter. But I can let her know that she has the control and she needs to keep it.
So, all this said, if anyone has advice or books that will enlighten me more, please let me know. I don't intend to keep it to myself. I will share with others as well. After all, there is strength in numbers!
So while I can't do anything about the caddy girl issue, I certainly can talk until my kids ears fall off. And luckily....I'm okay with that!
Happy Thursday
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
lists and such
Yesterday I decided I was going to get back on track. I made some good choices and I'm heading in the right decision, but I have to make a concrete plan, which I haven't yet done.
As I was dropping my girls off yesterday at nanna's, I asked them to grab a few things to take in. They said "I can't, my hands are full". Well, they may have been full to them, but as a mom, I know you can squeeze a little more in, you are just wimpin' out!
So I told the girls, "You know - I hate that you say you can't! If you think you can't do something, find a different way to make it happen! (I was very frustrated as I have heard this a lot lately from them. And after seeing how the Norwegians just "Do", I'm feeling a little less than...."on it")
So I dropped them off and proceeded to work.
On my way, I called hubby to issue some concerns about the kids. I mentioned that I want everyone's help in getting back on track, and he laid it on me......
(he said), "You know....you say can't a lot, and you need to just find a way to make it happen!"........
Yes.....he really did say exactly what I just told the kids!
I'm thinking our family needs a little meeting. We all need to figure out a way to make it (whatever it is) happen.
I have no doubt that the kids have picked stuff up from me (God help them). I have seen what they have picked up from daddy! When Aspen starts yelling at Chris, I have to stop myself from laughing sometimes. She's his Mini-Me, I swear!!!
The kids room is just like my room. I'm old and I haven't figured out how to be tidy. They are young and need to.
As for getting back on track, I have a few concrete things that will be going on paper today.
As my husband said to me, "You need to create your ROCKS. Those are things that cannot be moved or changed in the week. Like exercise."
He's right (littlefuthermucker). That is how I got to my goal originally. Nothing got in my way. Now, somehow, I have let everything get in my way and it seemed to be an effortless transition. I'm heading back into old patterns, which are not acceptable.
I have decided to ask the kids for help. Last night we all went around the lake together. The girls on their scooters, and Julie and I in tow. I had fun running up behind them when they thought we were way far back. I actually bolted up a hill, where they were walking, and they got mad at me.
It made for a fun walk. We all got activity, and we were all together. That's my idea of exercise (okay, well not always!).
Sometimes you need to change things around a bit to trick yourself into doing what needs to be done. Sometimes you just have to tell a LOT of people and ask for help. In this case, I know exactly what kind of help I need, and with the girls in assist, we may have fun doing it.
So, today, I will get paper and pen - and ask the girls to do the same. We all have responsibilities that we need to adhere to.
But first, while the girls are sleeping, I'll work on putting their bathroom back together. The contractors came yesterday and finished everything. Their bathroom is a very bright blue/green. I got chocolate brown to accent and pull down the color a bit. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Immediate gratification is always a good thing.
Happy Wednesday!
As I was dropping my girls off yesterday at nanna's, I asked them to grab a few things to take in. They said "I can't, my hands are full". Well, they may have been full to them, but as a mom, I know you can squeeze a little more in, you are just wimpin' out!
So I told the girls, "You know - I hate that you say you can't! If you think you can't do something, find a different way to make it happen! (I was very frustrated as I have heard this a lot lately from them. And after seeing how the Norwegians just "Do", I'm feeling a little less than...."on it")
So I dropped them off and proceeded to work.
On my way, I called hubby to issue some concerns about the kids. I mentioned that I want everyone's help in getting back on track, and he laid it on me......
(he said), "You know....you say can't a lot, and you need to just find a way to make it happen!"........
Yes.....he really did say exactly what I just told the kids!
I'm thinking our family needs a little meeting. We all need to figure out a way to make it (whatever it is) happen.
I have no doubt that the kids have picked stuff up from me (God help them). I have seen what they have picked up from daddy! When Aspen starts yelling at Chris, I have to stop myself from laughing sometimes. She's his Mini-Me, I swear!!!
The kids room is just like my room. I'm old and I haven't figured out how to be tidy. They are young and need to.
As for getting back on track, I have a few concrete things that will be going on paper today.
As my husband said to me, "You need to create your ROCKS. Those are things that cannot be moved or changed in the week. Like exercise."
He's right (littlefuthermucker). That is how I got to my goal originally. Nothing got in my way. Now, somehow, I have let everything get in my way and it seemed to be an effortless transition. I'm heading back into old patterns, which are not acceptable.
I have decided to ask the kids for help. Last night we all went around the lake together. The girls on their scooters, and Julie and I in tow. I had fun running up behind them when they thought we were way far back. I actually bolted up a hill, where they were walking, and they got mad at me.
It made for a fun walk. We all got activity, and we were all together. That's my idea of exercise (okay, well not always!).
Sometimes you need to change things around a bit to trick yourself into doing what needs to be done. Sometimes you just have to tell a LOT of people and ask for help. In this case, I know exactly what kind of help I need, and with the girls in assist, we may have fun doing it.
So, today, I will get paper and pen - and ask the girls to do the same. We all have responsibilities that we need to adhere to.
But first, while the girls are sleeping, I'll work on putting their bathroom back together. The contractors came yesterday and finished everything. Their bathroom is a very bright blue/green. I got chocolate brown to accent and pull down the color a bit. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Immediate gratification is always a good thing.
Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Back on track
Wow.....this is gonna be hard.
I have been so consumed with dance and photography that I literally feel like I haven't lead a meeting in months.
I took last week off (at the last minute) because I couldn't do it all. And now I am back to my regular schedule. It really feels weird. Thought I took a 'vacation' last week, I literally got no rest. So I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation. Ever feel that way?
It's definitely time to get my life back on track, that is for sure. It feels like it has been off for a while.
Clearly, I do much better with a schedule. I think most people do.
But the truth is, my schedule has been very willy-nilly for the last two years. Before I started back to work, I was on a very set schedule. And things - goals were very clear to me.
Working threw me off. And then with the addition of dance team for the girls, I feel like I can barely catch my breath, let alone have any goals for myself.
I constantly advise people; if you are waiting for the seas of life to part so you can easily reach your goals, you will be waiting along time.
I once listened to a speaker go through 18 years of excuses in just a minute. And I realized that is what most of us do. We excuse ourselves away.
And the truth is, we either do what we want most (which isn't goal related) or we do something so we can avoid what we should be doing. Sound familiar?
Yesterday alone, I started out with great intentions, but told myself, if I worked so hard over the weekend, I can rest the day away. Not that I am not entitled to a rest day, but I excused myself because it was too hard to finish the goal I created for myself. I did chip away, like I said, but every time I fall short of a goal, I am retraining myself that I cannot achieve my goals. That is not a good place to be.
I remember an old friend once telling me I lull through life. At that time, I had no goals. I have lived both sides of that, and I must say, when I had goals, I had focus. My decisions were pointed in the direction of the goals, and eventually, my goals were achieved. Now...I just need new goals!
My goal this week is to create a schedule for myself that includes my big goals. That way, I can get back on track and stop feeling like I am lulling through life.
I will have my big goals list, and then I will break it down and have the little goals that go towards the big goals. I can do this. It is time to get back on track!
Happy Tuesday!
I have been so consumed with dance and photography that I literally feel like I haven't lead a meeting in months.
I took last week off (at the last minute) because I couldn't do it all. And now I am back to my regular schedule. It really feels weird. Thought I took a 'vacation' last week, I literally got no rest. So I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation. Ever feel that way?
It's definitely time to get my life back on track, that is for sure. It feels like it has been off for a while.
Clearly, I do much better with a schedule. I think most people do.
But the truth is, my schedule has been very willy-nilly for the last two years. Before I started back to work, I was on a very set schedule. And things - goals were very clear to me.
Working threw me off. And then with the addition of dance team for the girls, I feel like I can barely catch my breath, let alone have any goals for myself.
I constantly advise people; if you are waiting for the seas of life to part so you can easily reach your goals, you will be waiting along time.
I once listened to a speaker go through 18 years of excuses in just a minute. And I realized that is what most of us do. We excuse ourselves away.
And the truth is, we either do what we want most (which isn't goal related) or we do something so we can avoid what we should be doing. Sound familiar?
Yesterday alone, I started out with great intentions, but told myself, if I worked so hard over the weekend, I can rest the day away. Not that I am not entitled to a rest day, but I excused myself because it was too hard to finish the goal I created for myself. I did chip away, like I said, but every time I fall short of a goal, I am retraining myself that I cannot achieve my goals. That is not a good place to be.
I remember an old friend once telling me I lull through life. At that time, I had no goals. I have lived both sides of that, and I must say, when I had goals, I had focus. My decisions were pointed in the direction of the goals, and eventually, my goals were achieved. Now...I just need new goals!
My goal this week is to create a schedule for myself that includes my big goals. That way, I can get back on track and stop feeling like I am lulling through life.
I will have my big goals list, and then I will break it down and have the little goals that go towards the big goals. I can do this. It is time to get back on track!
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Rest and Recovery?
I'm not sure if it's my age or the fact that I haven't worked out recently. But lets just say, two weddings in a row.....I'm feelin' it!
My knees are what are the most surprising. The pain was probably aggravated by my terrible shoes. I'm starting to appreciate my feet more and how bad shoes can mess up your whole body!!
And somehow...I got a bruise on my right wrist.... I swear old age ain't for sissies!!!
So this morning when I was wakened to the drywallers being here, lets just say, I wasn't at the door with bright eyes and bushy tail. It was more of a hobble and a growl...I may have scared them......
I was really looking forward to a day off....and I guess I'll get it. But it will be at home. :(
Sounds like they will be here on Wednesday too (my 'other' day off). So, I suppose I'll be forced to look at my house and see what needs to be done. And in my absence....there is plenty!
I have a choice on how I will use my time. The skies the limit (as long as the skyline is my roof).
So, while I would like to be laying in bed all day - the kids won't let that happen. So I need to make sure whatever I plan includes them. As I know they will not want to do ANY housework whatsoever, I'll have to sweeten the deal somehow.
My last job, I had to buy a pair of pants, because I couldn't find a pair in my mass of clothing piles. I'm guessing that will be first on the list. My poor husband has had to walk around baskets for months. It's time to reel it in a bit, don't you think?
Since it's a task I abhorr....I'm going to throw in a movie. If I'm distracted by the movie, my hands won't mind the drudgery. And since I am doing it....the girls can partake as well.
I'm going to do my best to make this a fun experience. (I just have to convince the girls it's fun).
Right now the girls are picking out paint colors for their bathroom (when we had a slab leak, they had to cut the drywall and so now we need to repaint). So to "let" them have the color "they" want....I will simply let them have it IF....they clean their room. (see how that works?) Otherwise, I will pick the most atrocious color in the paint chip catalog and threaten them with my choice. See?? Win/Win!!
Now that I can see my house with fresh eyes (okay, well, they are a little puffy right now, but you get the point), I will start making my "chip" list. Which means I will create a list and start chipping away at it.
But first, I need to get ice to put on my knees to hopefully bring an ounce of comfort and speed recovery so my chip list is actually do able. First things first.....
Happy Monday!
My knees are what are the most surprising. The pain was probably aggravated by my terrible shoes. I'm starting to appreciate my feet more and how bad shoes can mess up your whole body!!
And somehow...I got a bruise on my right wrist.... I swear old age ain't for sissies!!!
So this morning when I was wakened to the drywallers being here, lets just say, I wasn't at the door with bright eyes and bushy tail. It was more of a hobble and a growl...I may have scared them......
I was really looking forward to a day off....and I guess I'll get it. But it will be at home. :(
Sounds like they will be here on Wednesday too (my 'other' day off). So, I suppose I'll be forced to look at my house and see what needs to be done. And in my absence....there is plenty!
I have a choice on how I will use my time. The skies the limit (as long as the skyline is my roof).
So, while I would like to be laying in bed all day - the kids won't let that happen. So I need to make sure whatever I plan includes them. As I know they will not want to do ANY housework whatsoever, I'll have to sweeten the deal somehow.
My last job, I had to buy a pair of pants, because I couldn't find a pair in my mass of clothing piles. I'm guessing that will be first on the list. My poor husband has had to walk around baskets for months. It's time to reel it in a bit, don't you think?
Since it's a task I abhorr....I'm going to throw in a movie. If I'm distracted by the movie, my hands won't mind the drudgery. And since I am doing it....the girls can partake as well.
I'm going to do my best to make this a fun experience. (I just have to convince the girls it's fun).
Right now the girls are picking out paint colors for their bathroom (when we had a slab leak, they had to cut the drywall and so now we need to repaint). So to "let" them have the color "they" want....I will simply let them have it IF....they clean their room. (see how that works?) Otherwise, I will pick the most atrocious color in the paint chip catalog and threaten them with my choice. See?? Win/Win!!
Now that I can see my house with fresh eyes (okay, well, they are a little puffy right now, but you get the point), I will start making my "chip" list. Which means I will create a list and start chipping away at it.
But first, I need to get ice to put on my knees to hopefully bring an ounce of comfort and speed recovery so my chip list is actually do able. First things first.....
Happy Monday!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Shift in perspective
It is funny changing positions when working. Yesterday I got the opportunity to be a a second shooter at a wedding, as opposed to the main/responsible party.
It is the difference between being the boss, or the employee. Instead of scoping out all the shots, I am scoping his every move, and filling in where he left off.
It is a strange shift.
Normally, when I book a wedding, I know everything. Yesterday I showed up and asked, What are the bride and grooms name?
I am not used to walking in blind. But as I was still responsible for the shots I took, I had to make sure that I worked closely with the main photographer to get the shots he needs, because his name and reputation are on the line. And I hate nothing more than disappointing someone who is relying on me. I have been on the other side of that and regretted my decision to trust someone to do my job and I do not want to be that person.
The first thing I realized with his style is, he is not as rigid as me. By the time I shoot a wedding, I have my contracts signed, the names of all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, a list of what shots they want, and I have usually scouted the location and attended the rehearsal so I can see the faces of the families I am going to shoot. But as I know from experience, every wedding and photo shoot is different.
At this particular wedding, (we'll call it a fly by the seat of our pants wedding) - the groom hardly got back to the photographer. So we were left to our own devices. Which means, we go 'standard'.
The problem with not communicating beforehand, is that you end up communicating 'on site', which is a little less professional. And as I have found many many times, people need to be educated about photography. The groom called us in to take pictures during dinner. Have you ever tried to take pictures of someone who is stuffing their face? Did the pictures turn out pretty and was your subject happy? NO! So, we don't do that. But we had to explain to the groom why we were absent at that time. Case in point!
We did have a good time. He is a lot of fun to work with. But I did see the stressed side of him as well. And it is good to know that other photographers have the same issues as I do. Nothing worse than feeling alone.
As we sat between the wedding and reception, we went over the images, I was pleased to see that some of mine made it into the slideshow. I felt much better,
When you are shooting for someone else, your best shots may be the best to you, but if they don't represent the main photographers style, they are as good as trash. So I was definitely feeling better.
It was a long day, but a good day. It is always fun to be a part of a celebration, and hang out with families at their happiest.
Today, we get to do it again. Today's wedding starts at 3. And though I am still a bit nervous to be a second, I am excited to celebrate with a whole new family.
Happy Sunday!
It is the difference between being the boss, or the employee. Instead of scoping out all the shots, I am scoping his every move, and filling in where he left off.
It is a strange shift.
Normally, when I book a wedding, I know everything. Yesterday I showed up and asked, What are the bride and grooms name?
I am not used to walking in blind. But as I was still responsible for the shots I took, I had to make sure that I worked closely with the main photographer to get the shots he needs, because his name and reputation are on the line. And I hate nothing more than disappointing someone who is relying on me. I have been on the other side of that and regretted my decision to trust someone to do my job and I do not want to be that person.
The first thing I realized with his style is, he is not as rigid as me. By the time I shoot a wedding, I have my contracts signed, the names of all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, a list of what shots they want, and I have usually scouted the location and attended the rehearsal so I can see the faces of the families I am going to shoot. But as I know from experience, every wedding and photo shoot is different.
At this particular wedding, (we'll call it a fly by the seat of our pants wedding) - the groom hardly got back to the photographer. So we were left to our own devices. Which means, we go 'standard'.
The problem with not communicating beforehand, is that you end up communicating 'on site', which is a little less professional. And as I have found many many times, people need to be educated about photography. The groom called us in to take pictures during dinner. Have you ever tried to take pictures of someone who is stuffing their face? Did the pictures turn out pretty and was your subject happy? NO! So, we don't do that. But we had to explain to the groom why we were absent at that time. Case in point!
We did have a good time. He is a lot of fun to work with. But I did see the stressed side of him as well. And it is good to know that other photographers have the same issues as I do. Nothing worse than feeling alone.
As we sat between the wedding and reception, we went over the images, I was pleased to see that some of mine made it into the slideshow. I felt much better,
When you are shooting for someone else, your best shots may be the best to you, but if they don't represent the main photographers style, they are as good as trash. So I was definitely feeling better.
It was a long day, but a good day. It is always fun to be a part of a celebration, and hang out with families at their happiest.
Today, we get to do it again. Today's wedding starts at 3. And though I am still a bit nervous to be a second, I am excited to celebrate with a whole new family.
Happy Sunday!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hard lessons
It would appear that something got misplaced on our trip. A phone.
It wasn't my phone, it was Aspens. She passed it off to me at some point and I don't remember where I last saw it. Watching after her phone wasn't on my mind.
But now that we are home - it is. And we can't find it. Now, we are stressing a bit. It wasn't long ago that we lost my phone, which was an unfortunate fiasco in and of itself. I am still hoping the new owner chokes on it somehow.
I had no idea what a pain these phone companies are. Apparently, when I lost my phone Chris had to do a song and dance and promise his first born to get a new one. Not to mention, add another line to the plan. (Which is one more line than we actually need.) Now, with the possibility of losing another phone....we may have to auction off the other child.....
Kids have no idea the hoops parents jump through to make things happen. When I have to work, all they know is mommy isn't home. When we say no, that means we are unreasonable.
But at some point, a lesson has to be learned. And sometimes that lesson has to hurt just a little bit to hit home. The hardest part of parenting is knowing when that moment is.
When Chris first asked about the phone, she answered that I had it. She didn't have much care. But as we couldn't find it and the pressure mounted....so should have her concern. But it didn't. Then the frustration started building.
So did the consequences......
It appears there must be something taken away to feel the weight of the issue. As the night went on, the weight got heavier.
But what punishment fits what crime? Yet another parental dilemma.
Was it her fault for not following it, or mine for not paying attention?
As we were so overwhelmed with events when 'said' phone went missing, it literally could have been misplaced at any time. The phone only becomes important when we can't find it. Which happens to be now.
At this moment a birthday party and Disney pass are at stake. As a result, the location of the phone has become increasingly important.
With any luck, and a lot of searching - we will find it.....but at what cost?
If you see a Samsung phone with a black and blue cover, let us know....but until then pray for birthday parties and Disney passes!
Happy Saturday!
It wasn't my phone, it was Aspens. She passed it off to me at some point and I don't remember where I last saw it. Watching after her phone wasn't on my mind.
But now that we are home - it is. And we can't find it. Now, we are stressing a bit. It wasn't long ago that we lost my phone, which was an unfortunate fiasco in and of itself. I am still hoping the new owner chokes on it somehow.
I had no idea what a pain these phone companies are. Apparently, when I lost my phone Chris had to do a song and dance and promise his first born to get a new one. Not to mention, add another line to the plan. (Which is one more line than we actually need.) Now, with the possibility of losing another phone....we may have to auction off the other child.....
Kids have no idea the hoops parents jump through to make things happen. When I have to work, all they know is mommy isn't home. When we say no, that means we are unreasonable.
But at some point, a lesson has to be learned. And sometimes that lesson has to hurt just a little bit to hit home. The hardest part of parenting is knowing when that moment is.
When Chris first asked about the phone, she answered that I had it. She didn't have much care. But as we couldn't find it and the pressure mounted....so should have her concern. But it didn't. Then the frustration started building.
So did the consequences......
It appears there must be something taken away to feel the weight of the issue. As the night went on, the weight got heavier.
But what punishment fits what crime? Yet another parental dilemma.
Was it her fault for not following it, or mine for not paying attention?
As we were so overwhelmed with events when 'said' phone went missing, it literally could have been misplaced at any time. The phone only becomes important when we can't find it. Which happens to be now.
At this moment a birthday party and Disney pass are at stake. As a result, the location of the phone has become increasingly important.
With any luck, and a lot of searching - we will find it.....but at what cost?
If you see a Samsung phone with a black and blue cover, let us know....but until then pray for birthday parties and Disney passes!
Happy Saturday!
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Veg Wedge.....
It's starting to happen.....I can feel lit.... "ASOCIAL BEHAVIOR"........
I have been sitting at my desk so much, and busying myself with so many things that the mere ability to socialize is starting to escape me. At times, I feel myself thinking about work and what needs to be done, and struggling to come up with something to say to those in front of me!
Years ago, when I was having bad anxiety, I had to go on medication (who hasn't at some point, right?). Well, the doctor told me he had to try a different combination of medications to see which one worked best. So, like a guinea pig, he would give me something, send me on my way, and wait for the report. I don't mind being a lab rat, but this was a little unnerving.....
It took me a day or two to realize when the medication was taking place. Most of them are very subtle. When you are dealing with anxiety, it's a tough thing to "play" with to know what your brain needs to calm down. But this one medication in particular, I remember, because as people were talking to me, the thoughts would formulate in my head as to how to respond.....but the response never came. It's like it severed the connection from the thinking to the saying. It was very weird, and when I called the doctor, he stopped that med right away.
It was such an odd feeling to "want" to say something back to my husband (in response to his) and I would just stare at him and not say anything. I wasn't like a "veg" or anything, but I remember knowing that wasn't normal.
My point???? That's kind of how I feel lately.
The schedule is creeping up on my brain, and the overstimulation of my schedule has put my brain into "reserve" mode....or rather "PREserve" mode.
I think we can only handle so much at a time, and if we keep pushing ourselves, our bodies (and minds) will do their best to adapt so we don't lose it.
As it is - when I'm at a party, I am more a watcher, than an engager. It freaks my friend out when she sees me in big groups not talking to people, and at first she would think something is wrong with me (and I'm not saying there isn't). She finally realized, at parties, this is my M.O. She doesn't like it, but she knows now.
I don't know why I'm like that, because God knows I'm not shy. But something happens to me in crowds. My brain doesn't handle overstimulation well, and what inevitably happens is the eyes open and the mouth closes. I am perfectly content to be a fly on the wall. Maybe that is why I love photography. It's a 'witnessing' profession.
But as I think about my current "preserve" state, I'm not terribly worried. I am aware of it and I will correct it. But I do see how busy executives can start cutting out their family time to get stuff done. And I can see how that small wedge can grow into a big valley if it is not attended to and taken care of.
As I looked at my family last night, playing cards with them for the first time, all the time I did not have to spend with them while they were here came flooding back to me. I got a couple verbal reminders too. However, again, both my family and I know that I had no control of my schedule and if I could have changed everything, I would have.
But, now that I recognize this veg state, I need to put into action a reversal. I don't like the feeling of not feeling connected. I look at my husband as though he is a stranger. And though I'm not saying he isn't strange....I do miss him.
This weekend puts an end to the crazy schedule of the past 5 weeks. I'm shooting two weddings back to back (as an assistant, thank God), and come Monday, you may find me in bed with my girls watching movies all day. Or at that beach with my girls enjoying the sun. Who knows???
But, I will start the path to reconnection with those I have missed.
If you are starting to feel the wedge yourself, don't take it for granted. It starts small and grows quickly. Stop yourself, turn it around, take a look at someone you love- look them IN THE EYE and tell them how special they are! They deserve to hear it and you deserve to say it!
Happy Friday!
I have been sitting at my desk so much, and busying myself with so many things that the mere ability to socialize is starting to escape me. At times, I feel myself thinking about work and what needs to be done, and struggling to come up with something to say to those in front of me!
Years ago, when I was having bad anxiety, I had to go on medication (who hasn't at some point, right?). Well, the doctor told me he had to try a different combination of medications to see which one worked best. So, like a guinea pig, he would give me something, send me on my way, and wait for the report. I don't mind being a lab rat, but this was a little unnerving.....
It took me a day or two to realize when the medication was taking place. Most of them are very subtle. When you are dealing with anxiety, it's a tough thing to "play" with to know what your brain needs to calm down. But this one medication in particular, I remember, because as people were talking to me, the thoughts would formulate in my head as to how to respond.....but the response never came. It's like it severed the connection from the thinking to the saying. It was very weird, and when I called the doctor, he stopped that med right away.
It was such an odd feeling to "want" to say something back to my husband (in response to his) and I would just stare at him and not say anything. I wasn't like a "veg" or anything, but I remember knowing that wasn't normal.
My point???? That's kind of how I feel lately.
The schedule is creeping up on my brain, and the overstimulation of my schedule has put my brain into "reserve" mode....or rather "PREserve" mode.
I think we can only handle so much at a time, and if we keep pushing ourselves, our bodies (and minds) will do their best to adapt so we don't lose it.
As it is - when I'm at a party, I am more a watcher, than an engager. It freaks my friend out when she sees me in big groups not talking to people, and at first she would think something is wrong with me (and I'm not saying there isn't). She finally realized, at parties, this is my M.O. She doesn't like it, but she knows now.
I don't know why I'm like that, because God knows I'm not shy. But something happens to me in crowds. My brain doesn't handle overstimulation well, and what inevitably happens is the eyes open and the mouth closes. I am perfectly content to be a fly on the wall. Maybe that is why I love photography. It's a 'witnessing' profession.
But as I think about my current "preserve" state, I'm not terribly worried. I am aware of it and I will correct it. But I do see how busy executives can start cutting out their family time to get stuff done. And I can see how that small wedge can grow into a big valley if it is not attended to and taken care of.
As I looked at my family last night, playing cards with them for the first time, all the time I did not have to spend with them while they were here came flooding back to me. I got a couple verbal reminders too. However, again, both my family and I know that I had no control of my schedule and if I could have changed everything, I would have.
But, now that I recognize this veg state, I need to put into action a reversal. I don't like the feeling of not feeling connected. I look at my husband as though he is a stranger. And though I'm not saying he isn't strange....I do miss him.
This weekend puts an end to the crazy schedule of the past 5 weeks. I'm shooting two weddings back to back (as an assistant, thank God), and come Monday, you may find me in bed with my girls watching movies all day. Or at that beach with my girls enjoying the sun. Who knows???
But, I will start the path to reconnection with those I have missed.
If you are starting to feel the wedge yourself, don't take it for granted. It starts small and grows quickly. Stop yourself, turn it around, take a look at someone you love- look them IN THE EYE and tell them how special they are! They deserve to hear it and you deserve to say it!
Happy Friday!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
San Diego
We had such a nice day yesterday with family. I broke away to head down to San Diego to see my Aunt & Uncle (and Godparents), and cousins. My brother and his family and sister and her family all packed in our cars for the visit.
I love my family, because getting together is an easy thing. We make the call, they set it up and down we go. It's a very welcoming feeling.
From the time I got my drivers license, I headed south to San Diego. I don't know why, but I just knew when I got my car, I was gonna "never" be home. And so it was.
Back then, there were no cell phones. You had to pull the car over and put a coin in the machine to make a call.
I would usually stop somewhere off the 8 freeway, and call my mom and ask Aunt Mary's # - to which my mom would ask (her 16 yr old daughter), "Where are you?" I would say, "San Diego"........ and then she would give me the #, shocked that I had traveled so far on my own.
Every time I called Aunt Mary, I was down the street from her house, or would just pop in to her work. She always welcomed me no matter what! What a great feeling to have a place to go and know you will have someone there for you!
A few years ago, I called my aunt Mary from my house. Uncle Frank answered the phone and his first question was, "Where are you?" I said, "Home." He said, "OH....." and then he put Aunt Mary on the phone and she said, "Where are you?" I said, "Why do you guys ask me that?" She said, "Because every time you call you are around the corner from here." I laughed out loud. I didn't realize I created this Pavlov's dog affect. The phone rings and the niece comes! LOL
So yesterday sitting with Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank was a great day as always. And my cousin, so gracious in opening her home to 17 additional people AND FEEDING US.... Love her!
She and I are the same. If someone wants something to happen, we get "picked" to put it together. Because we are the ones who will actually pick up the phone, instead of just thinking about it. (a running joke in our family).
As I sat by the pool and watched all the kids frolic in the water, I couldn't help but revel in the memories these moments are creating. 24 people all sitting together or playing and having a great time. My hot cousin Frank even showed up with his beautiful daughter Jess. He's a rare visit, but he made a special effort, to which I was grateful! (I have had an undeniable crush on the man for as long as I can remember!) My mom finds it humorous!
During our visit, I listen to my mom talking to her sister and brother in law about the old days and old friends who have made an impact on their lives. I see the nostalgia in their eyes. I see and hear the sense of 'home' in their conversations. It makes me wonder if my sister and I will have the same thing.....
We ended the night just before dark. It felt like an abrupt ending. But the truth is, we could be there for a week and it would still feel abrupt. We love these people and the visits are always so pleasant and fun!
On the drive home, I see how these trips affect my mom. The nostalgia sets in as does her sense of time. It's a heavy feeling that radiates off of her. I know how she feels. My dad is gone, and his contribution to the conversations would have been immense. As well as the tension levels during some discussions.
When you think of someone who is no longer here, it stops you in your tracks sometimes. That "should have been" feeling comes seeping in. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is he was so loved that his absence is felt. A curse, of course, for his absence.....
I try to keep the conversation light on the way home (talking about my hot cousin - as my mom gets a kick out of this), but the emotion looms in the car like a weight bearing down on our chests. I know there is nothing I can do to turn this around too much, so we turned on music to fill our minds. It was a nice enough car ride home, but one filled with recollections and what ifs.
After I drop mom at home with lots of love and kisses, I come home to see Mo at the computer. Chris took the older kids to a movie (at 10pm) and Mo and I sat (in my office) chatting the night away. Clearly the nostalgia has set in on her as well.
It's moments like this, you realize your mortality and take stock in your life. These are very important moments. Many people do this, but don't acknowledge where their melancholy is coming from. We are not those people, ours is on the surface. We are Mesaros'!
My sister and I have not always gotten along, but we do have a connection. The connection is the family unit from where we came. We acknowledge what we had and where we came from and that connection is like no other. From there, we have the foundation of the tumultuous childhood from which we came. That connection is deep.
As we sit and chat, I reflect back on the day , look at my sister - and realize....we are our mom and her sister..... with just a bit less experience..... I couldn't help but smile.....
Happy Thursday!
I love my family, because getting together is an easy thing. We make the call, they set it up and down we go. It's a very welcoming feeling.
From the time I got my drivers license, I headed south to San Diego. I don't know why, but I just knew when I got my car, I was gonna "never" be home. And so it was.
Back then, there were no cell phones. You had to pull the car over and put a coin in the machine to make a call.
I would usually stop somewhere off the 8 freeway, and call my mom and ask Aunt Mary's # - to which my mom would ask (her 16 yr old daughter), "Where are you?" I would say, "San Diego"........ and then she would give me the #, shocked that I had traveled so far on my own.
Every time I called Aunt Mary, I was down the street from her house, or would just pop in to her work. She always welcomed me no matter what! What a great feeling to have a place to go and know you will have someone there for you!
A few years ago, I called my aunt Mary from my house. Uncle Frank answered the phone and his first question was, "Where are you?" I said, "Home." He said, "OH....." and then he put Aunt Mary on the phone and she said, "Where are you?" I said, "Why do you guys ask me that?" She said, "Because every time you call you are around the corner from here." I laughed out loud. I didn't realize I created this Pavlov's dog affect. The phone rings and the niece comes! LOL
So yesterday sitting with Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank was a great day as always. And my cousin, so gracious in opening her home to 17 additional people AND FEEDING US.... Love her!
She and I are the same. If someone wants something to happen, we get "picked" to put it together. Because we are the ones who will actually pick up the phone, instead of just thinking about it. (a running joke in our family).
As I sat by the pool and watched all the kids frolic in the water, I couldn't help but revel in the memories these moments are creating. 24 people all sitting together or playing and having a great time. My hot cousin Frank even showed up with his beautiful daughter Jess. He's a rare visit, but he made a special effort, to which I was grateful! (I have had an undeniable crush on the man for as long as I can remember!) My mom finds it humorous!
During our visit, I listen to my mom talking to her sister and brother in law about the old days and old friends who have made an impact on their lives. I see the nostalgia in their eyes. I see and hear the sense of 'home' in their conversations. It makes me wonder if my sister and I will have the same thing.....
We ended the night just before dark. It felt like an abrupt ending. But the truth is, we could be there for a week and it would still feel abrupt. We love these people and the visits are always so pleasant and fun!
On the drive home, I see how these trips affect my mom. The nostalgia sets in as does her sense of time. It's a heavy feeling that radiates off of her. I know how she feels. My dad is gone, and his contribution to the conversations would have been immense. As well as the tension levels during some discussions.
When you think of someone who is no longer here, it stops you in your tracks sometimes. That "should have been" feeling comes seeping in. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is he was so loved that his absence is felt. A curse, of course, for his absence.....
I try to keep the conversation light on the way home (talking about my hot cousin - as my mom gets a kick out of this), but the emotion looms in the car like a weight bearing down on our chests. I know there is nothing I can do to turn this around too much, so we turned on music to fill our minds. It was a nice enough car ride home, but one filled with recollections and what ifs.
After I drop mom at home with lots of love and kisses, I come home to see Mo at the computer. Chris took the older kids to a movie (at 10pm) and Mo and I sat (in my office) chatting the night away. Clearly the nostalgia has set in on her as well.
It's moments like this, you realize your mortality and take stock in your life. These are very important moments. Many people do this, but don't acknowledge where their melancholy is coming from. We are not those people, ours is on the surface. We are Mesaros'!
My sister and I have not always gotten along, but we do have a connection. The connection is the family unit from where we came. We acknowledge what we had and where we came from and that connection is like no other. From there, we have the foundation of the tumultuous childhood from which we came. That connection is deep.
As we sit and chat, I reflect back on the day , look at my sister - and realize....we are our mom and her sister..... with just a bit less experience..... I couldn't help but smile.....
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Back to the Grind
Ever hear the term, "Hit the ground, running"?
Well that is what it feels like I just did. I walked through the front door and the stress was waiting there, like an old friend, waiting to sit right on my shoulders. Let the fun begin.
First thing I got to do was tell my husband I couldn't make it to the movies with my kids and all the Norwegian cousins. Work awaits, the clock is ticking and the work piled up when I was gone. It happens, ya know?
All of a sudden, the heat of the desert wasn't so bad........
But now that my nose is to the grindstone, I'm going to push it for all its worth. My schedule is long, but I have a chisel and vow to chip away at all that sits on my desk.
As of this morning, I have finished editing the wedding I shot a few weeks back, and another cast from the recital is uploading as we speak. If I could just stop my computer from crashing, that would be a great thing, but I'm guessing that is not in my immediate future.
With all the stress of my schedule, my family has done their best to be nice about my inability to be around. However, I'm starting to feel like it's all not okay...... Words are slipping and their grasp on 'understanding' is getting looser.....
And if there were anything I could do, I would. But at this time, there is no one to hand over my work to. And to criticise me for the way that I do my job only makes me more aware that my absence is not okay.
I'm doing my best.
So, with that, I will head to San Diego today to be with my cousins and family. I will have one full day to hang out and 'chill'. I would like to say I'm totally looking forward to it......
All this comes down to right now, is timing. The timing has been such that this is my heaviest workload time. There are months where I have nothing on my plate. Literally nothing. But now is not that time.
Again, this is no complaint on my life. I would rather have this situation than be wondering where my next job is coming from. It's just the timing was off.....
So, today, when I am sitting with everyone, I will thoroughly enjoy myself, because I adore my cousins and sister and nephews and nieces. It's going to be a great day.
Tomorrow, I will put on that stress load again...and put my nose to the grindstone with chisel in hand chipping away at what I have left to do. And I will get through it all. Not even a thought, there. It's just a matter of when!
Happy Wednesday!
Well that is what it feels like I just did. I walked through the front door and the stress was waiting there, like an old friend, waiting to sit right on my shoulders. Let the fun begin.
First thing I got to do was tell my husband I couldn't make it to the movies with my kids and all the Norwegian cousins. Work awaits, the clock is ticking and the work piled up when I was gone. It happens, ya know?
All of a sudden, the heat of the desert wasn't so bad........
But now that my nose is to the grindstone, I'm going to push it for all its worth. My schedule is long, but I have a chisel and vow to chip away at all that sits on my desk.
As of this morning, I have finished editing the wedding I shot a few weeks back, and another cast from the recital is uploading as we speak. If I could just stop my computer from crashing, that would be a great thing, but I'm guessing that is not in my immediate future.
With all the stress of my schedule, my family has done their best to be nice about my inability to be around. However, I'm starting to feel like it's all not okay...... Words are slipping and their grasp on 'understanding' is getting looser.....
And if there were anything I could do, I would. But at this time, there is no one to hand over my work to. And to criticise me for the way that I do my job only makes me more aware that my absence is not okay.
I'm doing my best.
So, with that, I will head to San Diego today to be with my cousins and family. I will have one full day to hang out and 'chill'. I would like to say I'm totally looking forward to it......
All this comes down to right now, is timing. The timing has been such that this is my heaviest workload time. There are months where I have nothing on my plate. Literally nothing. But now is not that time.
Again, this is no complaint on my life. I would rather have this situation than be wondering where my next job is coming from. It's just the timing was off.....
So, today, when I am sitting with everyone, I will thoroughly enjoy myself, because I adore my cousins and sister and nephews and nieces. It's going to be a great day.
Tomorrow, I will put on that stress load again...and put my nose to the grindstone with chisel in hand chipping away at what I have left to do. And I will get through it all. Not even a thought, there. It's just a matter of when!
Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Competition - out!
This is it. The final day of competition for us was yesterday. The last ribbon was handed out, the last cheers heard, the last tears dried.......
Yesterday both girls performed. Aspen in Speedracer, and Avery and Aspen together in the production number of Beetlejuice. Both are teams.
When you have a team, it's an intricate weave. Every person has to perform their best. If one person misses a step, it could cost the team their platinum. And that did happen - in many dances.
The judges are up there looking for the slightest flaw. If you have made it to this point - nationals.....it's a big deal. You can't miss a step. Judging is harder, because this is the big leagues.
I watched the girls prepare yesterday. As I was doing makeup on Aspen and Katlyn, I put on their routine music and I told them to visualize doing their moves. Well...of course they went beyond that and started dancing it right in front of me. I held the mascara until they were done.
As I watched them jump right into their moves, I could see on their faces everything their teacher told them. It was awesome. Every ounce of their training came right into our hotel room, and I got the hugest kick out of watching these two girls give it there all. I even welled up a little bit. (ya, I know...no surprise there).
So after they were done, we finished the makeup and headed over to the convention. The teachers always like to run through the dances before they go on stage. They will give their last minute critiques and pep talks and send the kids in line to get ready for their dance. At this point, there is nothing more you can do....but pray. And pray we did!!!
As I watched Speedracer, my heart was racing. I screamed and whistled and clapped as hard as I could as tears started forming. The emotion was too much to contain. This is a big deal. One mis-step, poor leap, wrong move or inadequate facial expression can cost these kids what they worked for.
The energy was great, and the girls were on the mark....almost........
After Aspen was done with that dance, we ran to each other, I picked her up and she gave me a big red kiss mark on my cheek, which I wore the rest of the competition.
Then it was time for Beetlejuice. A cast of 39 kids doing about 5 different dances all balled into one performance. THIS...is a big deal.
Two hours worth of makeup (by two people and misc. helpers) and the stage is set.
Once again, we pile out to see this performance. This one is a lot to look at. There is stage performance, dancing, timing, young kids older kids - everyone needs to be in their place.
And then the music started......
The bugs came across the stage to set the scene....Beetlejuice rose from his grave, the zombies came out to greet him, the Lydias came to deepen the storyline, the football players lined the stage, .....everyone in their places at the right times. It went off beautifully. Expressions - CHECK, Dance moves - CHECK, Timing - CHECK CHECK CHECK.....
And as we watched, we knew this was a good performance. .....and then that was it.........
Our last performance of the day and the year..... A bittersweet moment.
Some of us moms looked at each other with "that" look. The look when reality sets in. And then we went to greet our zombies and dead folk to give them hugs and high fives.
Beetlejuice received a Platinum award. YAY team. (I'm still confused on all the awards so I won't go into great detail....suffice it to say, everyone was happy).
Aspen's dance got High Gold. A good mark but not the best. And sadly, that is what they focused on.....not the best. Tears were had, and hugs given. I found a couple of the kids wanting to place blame for why it did not happen. I stopped my own child right there.
This is a team effort and the team either succeeds or doesn't. In this case, the team did well, just not well enough. It took some talking, but we got through it.
I was proud to see my daughter cared so much, but sad to see her hurt little heart. You never want to see your kids sad. But the facts of life are.....it happens.
We packed up our stuff and had a relaxing night with friends. It was a great night reflecting on all the hard work of these kids. They are growing, developing, but most importantly....aspiring...
They will grow from this point and work harder next year. They, too, will reflect on this weekend and think about what could have gone differently (if they didn't "win"). Or they will revel in the joys of their hard work.
It was a great weekend charged with emotion. And now, it is time to pack up my cappuccino machine and put it back in my kitchen where it belongs.
Until next year......
Happy Tuesday!!
Yesterday both girls performed. Aspen in Speedracer, and Avery and Aspen together in the production number of Beetlejuice. Both are teams.
When you have a team, it's an intricate weave. Every person has to perform their best. If one person misses a step, it could cost the team their platinum. And that did happen - in many dances.
The judges are up there looking for the slightest flaw. If you have made it to this point - nationals.....it's a big deal. You can't miss a step. Judging is harder, because this is the big leagues.
I watched the girls prepare yesterday. As I was doing makeup on Aspen and Katlyn, I put on their routine music and I told them to visualize doing their moves. Well...of course they went beyond that and started dancing it right in front of me. I held the mascara until they were done.
As I watched them jump right into their moves, I could see on their faces everything their teacher told them. It was awesome. Every ounce of their training came right into our hotel room, and I got the hugest kick out of watching these two girls give it there all. I even welled up a little bit. (ya, I know...no surprise there).
So after they were done, we finished the makeup and headed over to the convention. The teachers always like to run through the dances before they go on stage. They will give their last minute critiques and pep talks and send the kids in line to get ready for their dance. At this point, there is nothing more you can do....but pray. And pray we did!!!
As I watched Speedracer, my heart was racing. I screamed and whistled and clapped as hard as I could as tears started forming. The emotion was too much to contain. This is a big deal. One mis-step, poor leap, wrong move or inadequate facial expression can cost these kids what they worked for.
The energy was great, and the girls were on the mark....almost........
After Aspen was done with that dance, we ran to each other, I picked her up and she gave me a big red kiss mark on my cheek, which I wore the rest of the competition.
Then it was time for Beetlejuice. A cast of 39 kids doing about 5 different dances all balled into one performance. THIS...is a big deal.
Two hours worth of makeup (by two people and misc. helpers) and the stage is set.
Once again, we pile out to see this performance. This one is a lot to look at. There is stage performance, dancing, timing, young kids older kids - everyone needs to be in their place.
And then the music started......
The bugs came across the stage to set the scene....Beetlejuice rose from his grave, the zombies came out to greet him, the Lydias came to deepen the storyline, the football players lined the stage, .....everyone in their places at the right times. It went off beautifully. Expressions - CHECK, Dance moves - CHECK, Timing - CHECK CHECK CHECK.....
And as we watched, we knew this was a good performance. .....and then that was it.........
Our last performance of the day and the year..... A bittersweet moment.
Some of us moms looked at each other with "that" look. The look when reality sets in. And then we went to greet our zombies and dead folk to give them hugs and high fives.
Beetlejuice received a Platinum award. YAY team. (I'm still confused on all the awards so I won't go into great detail....suffice it to say, everyone was happy).
Aspen's dance got High Gold. A good mark but not the best. And sadly, that is what they focused on.....not the best. Tears were had, and hugs given. I found a couple of the kids wanting to place blame for why it did not happen. I stopped my own child right there.
This is a team effort and the team either succeeds or doesn't. In this case, the team did well, just not well enough. It took some talking, but we got through it.
I was proud to see my daughter cared so much, but sad to see her hurt little heart. You never want to see your kids sad. But the facts of life are.....it happens.
We packed up our stuff and had a relaxing night with friends. It was a great night reflecting on all the hard work of these kids. They are growing, developing, but most importantly....aspiring...
They will grow from this point and work harder next year. They, too, will reflect on this weekend and think about what could have gone differently (if they didn't "win"). Or they will revel in the joys of their hard work.
It was a great weekend charged with emotion. And now, it is time to pack up my cappuccino machine and put it back in my kitchen where it belongs.
Until next year......
Happy Tuesday!!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Creature of habit
This morning we woke up and had to make a decision for breakfast. There is this cute little pastry place across from where we are staying. As carbohydrates are my downfall, this place calls to me every time I pass it.
However, I had to make the decision to pass on this. We brought enough food to feed a bunch of people for a few days. There was a method to the madness in packing this food. To save money.
Not only that, I have to say, something happens as you get older. You get set in your ways.
That is a good thing and kind of a not good thing. As I walk out of my house with my cappuccino machine, I can completely justify the space this item will take up in my car. It is an absolute necessity, because, until they create an injectible source of caffeine, this is my method of choice. And I refuse to pay $5 a day for something I can create myself.
As for the pastry place, I am not completely out. I am sure I will visit it at some point. However, while I have banana chocolate chip muffins in my room, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, made from scratch, with no preservatives, I can hold strong in my resolve to save a few bucks on this trip. I hate buying something that I can make better at home.
Can you hear the old-age-set-in-her-ways-girl screaming at the top of her lungs?
I kind of laugh at myself when I think about the choices I make sometimes. Mostly because I make fun of my best friend for the same reason.
They say that when you have an issue with someone else, it is usually a reflection of an issue you have with yourself. I can honestly say, this is true. When I scream at my kids for not cleaning their room, I head in to my own room and look at the piles of (well, let's call it 'stuff'), and I realize that I should be yelling at myself as well. Only I don't listen to me for myself......
My fear in that is my kids will adopt my skills of disorganization and carry that burden through life. There is nothing I want less for my children, I promise you. But I cannot give them what I don't have.
But, I digress.......
As I sit in my hotel room, with earplugs in and coffee in hand, I am content in my resolve to save money. My espresso drink is perfect and I get to watch the kids in their pajamas choreograph a dance to keep from being bored. They Have already had their Apple Jacks, and the sugar is kicking in. Oh, and did I mention I am hanging put in bed, writing to you wonderful people?
So while my brother in law laughed at me as I was piling stuff in the car, and made me feel just a little self conscious, I am happy with the choices I made. Being set in your ways isn't all bad.....
Happy Monday
However, I had to make the decision to pass on this. We brought enough food to feed a bunch of people for a few days. There was a method to the madness in packing this food. To save money.
Not only that, I have to say, something happens as you get older. You get set in your ways.
That is a good thing and kind of a not good thing. As I walk out of my house with my cappuccino machine, I can completely justify the space this item will take up in my car. It is an absolute necessity, because, until they create an injectible source of caffeine, this is my method of choice. And I refuse to pay $5 a day for something I can create myself.
As for the pastry place, I am not completely out. I am sure I will visit it at some point. However, while I have banana chocolate chip muffins in my room, and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, made from scratch, with no preservatives, I can hold strong in my resolve to save a few bucks on this trip. I hate buying something that I can make better at home.
Can you hear the old-age-set-in-her-ways-girl screaming at the top of her lungs?
I kind of laugh at myself when I think about the choices I make sometimes. Mostly because I make fun of my best friend for the same reason.
They say that when you have an issue with someone else, it is usually a reflection of an issue you have with yourself. I can honestly say, this is true. When I scream at my kids for not cleaning their room, I head in to my own room and look at the piles of (well, let's call it 'stuff'), and I realize that I should be yelling at myself as well. Only I don't listen to me for myself......
My fear in that is my kids will adopt my skills of disorganization and carry that burden through life. There is nothing I want less for my children, I promise you. But I cannot give them what I don't have.
But, I digress.......
As I sit in my hotel room, with earplugs in and coffee in hand, I am content in my resolve to save money. My espresso drink is perfect and I get to watch the kids in their pajamas choreograph a dance to keep from being bored. They Have already had their Apple Jacks, and the sugar is kicking in. Oh, and did I mention I am hanging put in bed, writing to you wonderful people?
So while my brother in law laughed at me as I was piling stuff in the car, and made me feel just a little self conscious, I am happy with the choices I made. Being set in your ways isn't all bad.....
Happy Monday
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Day one...
So we are here in palm springs. It is hot and I am swelling as I write. This place is a lot different than Palm desert and to be honest, I feel like Palm springs is a little forgotten.
We had a nice drive out here. This whole dance team 'thing' has totally changed who I am. I drove with someone I have never travelled with before. My first thought, of course, was to meet there. But as we are sharing a room together, that just didn't make sense. So I offered to drive.
Now, of course she is not a stranger. We have known each other for this dance year. We have connected on some level and it is a very easy friendship (well, I don't know how SHE is faring with it, but I am happy. :D)
As we get older, we get a little more 'set' in our ways. And getting to know people is on a whole different level than looking across the play yard and saying "Hi, my name is Cathy. Wanna play?". (remember those days?)
As we Get older, the muck of our lives gets in the way. The scars are more at the surface. Acceptance doesn't come as easy as it did when we were kids. Neither does forgiveness.
So when I say this is an easy friendship I mean it on many levels. (again, only speaking for myself).
So our car ride was great. We talked the whole time, effortlessly. I found out our fathers both passed from the same kind of cancer and only a year apart. And we both had experiences after their passing. Fascinating!
I think there is a soulful connection when you meet and connect with someone so easily. And I do believe we all meet each other for a reason. Whether it is a lifelong friendship or momentary acquaintance.
I can honestly say I can look back on my many friendships and account for how they have contributed to who I am. Good or bad.
I am thankful for both.
This weekend is going to be a fun one, I can tell. It has already started off without effort. And I have already had a nice evening by the pool with the other effortless mommies.
Competition is going strong, and from what I have seen, the kids are doing awesome. I have already lost Avery once and as I write, I am sitting on the convention center floor.
All is well on this little forgotten town. And all I can say is....as long as I have air conditioning, I don't care where I am.
Happy whateverdayitis.....
We had a nice drive out here. This whole dance team 'thing' has totally changed who I am. I drove with someone I have never travelled with before. My first thought, of course, was to meet there. But as we are sharing a room together, that just didn't make sense. So I offered to drive.
Now, of course she is not a stranger. We have known each other for this dance year. We have connected on some level and it is a very easy friendship (well, I don't know how SHE is faring with it, but I am happy. :D)
As we get older, we get a little more 'set' in our ways. And getting to know people is on a whole different level than looking across the play yard and saying "Hi, my name is Cathy. Wanna play?". (remember those days?)
As we Get older, the muck of our lives gets in the way. The scars are more at the surface. Acceptance doesn't come as easy as it did when we were kids. Neither does forgiveness.
So when I say this is an easy friendship I mean it on many levels. (again, only speaking for myself).
So our car ride was great. We talked the whole time, effortlessly. I found out our fathers both passed from the same kind of cancer and only a year apart. And we both had experiences after their passing. Fascinating!
I think there is a soulful connection when you meet and connect with someone so easily. And I do believe we all meet each other for a reason. Whether it is a lifelong friendship or momentary acquaintance.
I can honestly say I can look back on my many friendships and account for how they have contributed to who I am. Good or bad.
I am thankful for both.
This weekend is going to be a fun one, I can tell. It has already started off without effort. And I have already had a nice evening by the pool with the other effortless mommies.
Competition is going strong, and from what I have seen, the kids are doing awesome. I have already lost Avery once and as I write, I am sitting on the convention center floor.
All is well on this little forgotten town. And all I can say is....as long as I have air conditioning, I don't care where I am.
Happy whateverdayitis.....
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Nationals
I actually slept in this morning. And I am still the first to walk around the house. The Norwegians are back from their trip, and so there are bodies everywhere around my house.
It isn't much longer that they are here. I am very sad I have spent so little time with them. I leave for Palm Springs today because my girls have their national competition. This will officially bring our first Dance team year to a close.
It has been quite a grueling year, schedule-wise. Our lives have not been our own. They have belonged to the girls and their dance schedules.
I am pretty impressed that we got through it. It was a lot more than I expected, and on many levels I am surprised that we only missed one rehearsal (by accident) through the whole year.
I kind of laugh when I think back to the first meeting we had to get the information on dance team. I imagine us sitting there like a deer in the headlights.
When we first looked at the schedule, I think my and Chris' jaws dropped to the floor. And that was when I didn't have a concept of most of what I was seeing. Now on the other side, I can't help but want go back and talk to that clueless mom and tell her to hold on for the ride!
It has been a great ride, but also an eye opener on a few levels.
When you go through something grueling, you see things you didn't see before. Like how someone handles stressful situations; how organized or disorganized someone is, and who can pinch hit for the team.
In our case, I was very impressed with myself. I became a lot more organized at putting their stuff together and keeping track a little better than in the past. I was impressed with the girls, because they never once complained about going to dance even when they were tired. And I am impressed with Chris, because he really stepped up.
I used to be the one who would take the girls to. Dance - always. But this year, I couldn't do it all, so he stepped up. Pretty soon, it was..."oh- you are Chris' wife?". It used to be the other way around. I had people I didn't know coming up to me saying, "I spoke with your husband, and....". It was a weird place to be.
Also, for their production number at the studio, they did "Beetlejuice". Chris is the voice on the dance cut. He was asked to participate and he jumped right in. I have seen the number a million times, and still chuckle when I hear his voice on the loudspeaker.
He was also the clown in the year end recital.
What great memories for our girls to have. It truly is a family affair. It has brought everyone to a whole new level.
This weekend at nationals, it is their last opportunity to show what they can do. I hope for the best for all the kids performing. To see the pride in their faces when they get an award is a celebration of all their hard work. It will be fun to watch.
After this weekend, my summer can officially begin! We have a few weeks off to contemplate our next season.
And in August, when I sit at the parents meeting...I will look around to that parent who has the deer in the headlights look. I may even go over and hold their hand....if I can stop laughing long enough.
Good luck this weekend kiddos, It has been a great joy watching you grow this year!
Happy Saturday!
It isn't much longer that they are here. I am very sad I have spent so little time with them. I leave for Palm Springs today because my girls have their national competition. This will officially bring our first Dance team year to a close.
It has been quite a grueling year, schedule-wise. Our lives have not been our own. They have belonged to the girls and their dance schedules.
I am pretty impressed that we got through it. It was a lot more than I expected, and on many levels I am surprised that we only missed one rehearsal (by accident) through the whole year.
I kind of laugh when I think back to the first meeting we had to get the information on dance team. I imagine us sitting there like a deer in the headlights.
When we first looked at the schedule, I think my and Chris' jaws dropped to the floor. And that was when I didn't have a concept of most of what I was seeing. Now on the other side, I can't help but want go back and talk to that clueless mom and tell her to hold on for the ride!
It has been a great ride, but also an eye opener on a few levels.
When you go through something grueling, you see things you didn't see before. Like how someone handles stressful situations; how organized or disorganized someone is, and who can pinch hit for the team.
In our case, I was very impressed with myself. I became a lot more organized at putting their stuff together and keeping track a little better than in the past. I was impressed with the girls, because they never once complained about going to dance even when they were tired. And I am impressed with Chris, because he really stepped up.
I used to be the one who would take the girls to. Dance - always. But this year, I couldn't do it all, so he stepped up. Pretty soon, it was..."oh- you are Chris' wife?". It used to be the other way around. I had people I didn't know coming up to me saying, "I spoke with your husband, and....". It was a weird place to be.
Also, for their production number at the studio, they did "Beetlejuice". Chris is the voice on the dance cut. He was asked to participate and he jumped right in. I have seen the number a million times, and still chuckle when I hear his voice on the loudspeaker.
He was also the clown in the year end recital.
What great memories for our girls to have. It truly is a family affair. It has brought everyone to a whole new level.
This weekend at nationals, it is their last opportunity to show what they can do. I hope for the best for all the kids performing. To see the pride in their faces when they get an award is a celebration of all their hard work. It will be fun to watch.
After this weekend, my summer can officially begin! We have a few weeks off to contemplate our next season.
And in August, when I sit at the parents meeting...I will look around to that parent who has the deer in the headlights look. I may even go over and hold their hand....if I can stop laughing long enough.
Good luck this weekend kiddos, It has been a great joy watching you grow this year!
Happy Saturday!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Lessons and Grandmas
My girls are exhausted. I know this based on their actions.
Yesterday morning, we had a plan. We were going to get up early, surprise a friend, and then they go to dance and I to work. I got them up plenty early. All they had to do was the same thing they do every day....breakfast make lunch get ready and lets go.
I did the countdown; 30 minutes, 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes......LET'S GO!!! Now we are in hurry mode, I have seconds to get everything done before I leave for work.
The girls get in the car (like they are ready), and say, "We don't have lunch....."
I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around to them in the car and said, "HOW do you expect to get through your day from 9-4 with NO FOOD??????? They said, "I don't know...we didn't have TIME to make lunch."
Now, I'm upset!
We go through this ever day. It's not like it's a new routine. And because I have to work, I myself have to get ready, and I don't have time to watch their every move.
So as I'm sitting in the car, I have to make a decision; for them to eat, or my friend to get her birthday donut. (If it wasn't until 4pm, I would have let them learn their lesson. But as I know they will have a grueling routing all day - thus the word "intensive", I had to err on the side of feeding my children).
I send them BACK in the house to make a lunch. Now they are crying and hysterical because they wanted to deliver the birthday donut. Unfortunately, it did not happen.
My anger got the best of me. As I drove them to Grandma's house (who was going to deliver them to dance for me), I explained to them (in a VERY strong voice) how disappointed I was. It's not like I change the routine every day. They need to help by getting themselves ready. Making their lunch is part of their chores. They know how to do it. After the first day of their intensive workshop, they both came home starved, and I went INTO DETAIL about the importance of the right kinds of foods to help them have energy for dance. They are comPLETELY aware of making their own lunches.
So by the time we got to Grandma's house, they were in tears, and I needed botox to get rid of the frown wrinkles.
I could tell right away that grandma did not approve. Neither girl had their shoes (which was her FIRST question), and both girls didn't hesitate to play it up for Grandma. Their hysterics got even worse, which only aggravated me more! (this is my mother in law...not my mother). As I did not have time to go into detail with Grandma, I delivered the kids with a brief explanation and left. And as I left, I knew this was not the last of it.........and I was right.
By mid morning, I had FIVE texts from my husband. His mother called him to issue her concerns about how tired the girls are. My husband was so upset, he told me they would not continue with the intensive; they would take the last day off.
This is where we differ.
I called him and told him that pulling the kids from their obligation is NOT an option, and I didn't really care if their feet were bleeding, they would finish. I'm pretty sure he knew this was coming from me, because he didn't argue at all.
His perspective is a bit different than mine. He is upset and wants it done. I am willing to deal with the upset, because it's a lesson
The rest of the day, I went back and forth in my mind. I was so frustrated with what I felt was judgement.
I finally called my mom, to give her the story of what happened. I was totally frustrated and she could here it in my voice. She knows my kids, she knows my husband, she knows my mother in law and she knows how angry I was. And she did exactly what I expected her to do when I conveyed the story to her.
She laughed.........
I felt better.
Happy Friday!
Yesterday morning, we had a plan. We were going to get up early, surprise a friend, and then they go to dance and I to work. I got them up plenty early. All they had to do was the same thing they do every day....breakfast make lunch get ready and lets go.
I did the countdown; 30 minutes, 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes......LET'S GO!!! Now we are in hurry mode, I have seconds to get everything done before I leave for work.
The girls get in the car (like they are ready), and say, "We don't have lunch....."
I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around to them in the car and said, "HOW do you expect to get through your day from 9-4 with NO FOOD??????? They said, "I don't know...we didn't have TIME to make lunch."
Now, I'm upset!
We go through this ever day. It's not like it's a new routine. And because I have to work, I myself have to get ready, and I don't have time to watch their every move.
So as I'm sitting in the car, I have to make a decision; for them to eat, or my friend to get her birthday donut. (If it wasn't until 4pm, I would have let them learn their lesson. But as I know they will have a grueling routing all day - thus the word "intensive", I had to err on the side of feeding my children).
I send them BACK in the house to make a lunch. Now they are crying and hysterical because they wanted to deliver the birthday donut. Unfortunately, it did not happen.
My anger got the best of me. As I drove them to Grandma's house (who was going to deliver them to dance for me), I explained to them (in a VERY strong voice) how disappointed I was. It's not like I change the routine every day. They need to help by getting themselves ready. Making their lunch is part of their chores. They know how to do it. After the first day of their intensive workshop, they both came home starved, and I went INTO DETAIL about the importance of the right kinds of foods to help them have energy for dance. They are comPLETELY aware of making their own lunches.
So by the time we got to Grandma's house, they were in tears, and I needed botox to get rid of the frown wrinkles.
I could tell right away that grandma did not approve. Neither girl had their shoes (which was her FIRST question), and both girls didn't hesitate to play it up for Grandma. Their hysterics got even worse, which only aggravated me more! (this is my mother in law...not my mother). As I did not have time to go into detail with Grandma, I delivered the kids with a brief explanation and left. And as I left, I knew this was not the last of it.........and I was right.
By mid morning, I had FIVE texts from my husband. His mother called him to issue her concerns about how tired the girls are. My husband was so upset, he told me they would not continue with the intensive; they would take the last day off.
This is where we differ.
I called him and told him that pulling the kids from their obligation is NOT an option, and I didn't really care if their feet were bleeding, they would finish. I'm pretty sure he knew this was coming from me, because he didn't argue at all.
His perspective is a bit different than mine. He is upset and wants it done. I am willing to deal with the upset, because it's a lesson
The rest of the day, I went back and forth in my mind. I was so frustrated with what I felt was judgement.
I finally called my mom, to give her the story of what happened. I was totally frustrated and she could here it in my voice. She knows my kids, she knows my husband, she knows my mother in law and she knows how angry I was. And she did exactly what I expected her to do when I conveyed the story to her.
She laughed.........
I felt better.
Happy Friday!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The place remembers when.....
There are moments in life that stop you. They aren't 'Aha' moments....just moments. Some are good and some are bad. But they happen.
Last night we went to dinner with the whole family (well, minus lil bro who lives up north), and we decided we would celebrate at a restaurant we have been going to since we were kids.
I remember after I graduated, that is where we went. It has been in our lives for as long as I can remember.
Though we have visited this restaurant many times, last night was different. It was 'old times'. We were five kids and two adults when we would visit this restaurant growing up. But last night we were 9 adults and 14 kids. Mom had most of her kids and grandkids there. We took up 1/3 of the place.
As we nestled in and took our spots - that "moment" thing started happening.
When you do something all your life, and it is the same thing, it becomes a part of your DNA. In regards to this restaurant, walking through the doors is a natural thing; like coming home. The smell of the place, the utensils they use, it is all very familiar to each of us the second we walk in.
And because it is so familiar....so are the memories. It is almost like you know exactly what is going to happen. And not just the food - but the family dynamics.
Have you ever been somewhere before and and said, "I remember last time I was here", and not only did you visually imagine yourself the, but you literally felt what you went through?
That is that moment I am talking about.
As we settled in, I started looking at my mom, and I knew exactly what she was feeling. She and my dad created this experience for us. This restaurant was more than just a building, it is part of who we are. They created this part of our history, and now we are all here together again....and it is different. Dad is not here with us. And it is this moment, that we feel it.
Similarly, I noticed it with my brother. Something had changed for him too. His life has changed since we were all there together, and he is feeling it. I ca hear it in the comments he is making. (getting family together for us is quite the challenge, so this night was a very big deal!)
Most of the night went well. I sat back and watched everyone and reflected that this is being carried down to our own children. As it is, every year we go to the renaissance faire, Avery asks to make sure we are going there on our way home. It is already part of our own family tradition.
Things got a little dodgy at the end. For some reason, the pain became too much, and then comments started passing, and before we knew it, the night ended abruptly. My nephew came over to me afterwards and said, "We (he and my other nephew)were wondering when the Mesaros conflict would happen." I think he mentioned he was taking bets, but I don't know.
The truth is, we are emotional people. We were raised by someone who is an emotional person and never faked a day of who he was or how he felt. For that I love him. To be genuine is a gift. We don't hide who we are or how we feel (sometimes to our detriment of course.)
So, to hear this from my nephew doesn't surprise me. I almost wanted to give him a dollar for winning his bet, but how can it be a bet when it's a sure thing?
Though we had a mostly good time, those few moments hit deep. They always do. Trisha yearwood sang a song once called, "The Song Remembers When". Well, in our case, this restaurant does.
Family - ya gotta love it!
Happy Thursday
Last night we went to dinner with the whole family (well, minus lil bro who lives up north), and we decided we would celebrate at a restaurant we have been going to since we were kids.
I remember after I graduated, that is where we went. It has been in our lives for as long as I can remember.
Though we have visited this restaurant many times, last night was different. It was 'old times'. We were five kids and two adults when we would visit this restaurant growing up. But last night we were 9 adults and 14 kids. Mom had most of her kids and grandkids there. We took up 1/3 of the place.
As we nestled in and took our spots - that "moment" thing started happening.
When you do something all your life, and it is the same thing, it becomes a part of your DNA. In regards to this restaurant, walking through the doors is a natural thing; like coming home. The smell of the place, the utensils they use, it is all very familiar to each of us the second we walk in.
And because it is so familiar....so are the memories. It is almost like you know exactly what is going to happen. And not just the food - but the family dynamics.
Have you ever been somewhere before and and said, "I remember last time I was here", and not only did you visually imagine yourself the, but you literally felt what you went through?
That is that moment I am talking about.
As we settled in, I started looking at my mom, and I knew exactly what she was feeling. She and my dad created this experience for us. This restaurant was more than just a building, it is part of who we are. They created this part of our history, and now we are all here together again....and it is different. Dad is not here with us. And it is this moment, that we feel it.
Similarly, I noticed it with my brother. Something had changed for him too. His life has changed since we were all there together, and he is feeling it. I ca hear it in the comments he is making. (getting family together for us is quite the challenge, so this night was a very big deal!)
Most of the night went well. I sat back and watched everyone and reflected that this is being carried down to our own children. As it is, every year we go to the renaissance faire, Avery asks to make sure we are going there on our way home. It is already part of our own family tradition.
Things got a little dodgy at the end. For some reason, the pain became too much, and then comments started passing, and before we knew it, the night ended abruptly. My nephew came over to me afterwards and said, "We (he and my other nephew)were wondering when the Mesaros conflict would happen." I think he mentioned he was taking bets, but I don't know.
The truth is, we are emotional people. We were raised by someone who is an emotional person and never faked a day of who he was or how he felt. For that I love him. To be genuine is a gift. We don't hide who we are or how we feel (sometimes to our detriment of course.)
So, to hear this from my nephew doesn't surprise me. I almost wanted to give him a dollar for winning his bet, but how can it be a bet when it's a sure thing?
Though we had a mostly good time, those few moments hit deep. They always do. Trisha yearwood sang a song once called, "The Song Remembers When". Well, in our case, this restaurant does.
Family - ya gotta love it!
Happy Thursday
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Big Decisions
I opened an email this morning from a friend who is going to make some big changes in her life. It kind of floored me, because the changes she is making are big. However, I was not totally surprised by this woman's decisions.
She is quitting her job to be with her kids, and she is going to work on implementing a religious program for middle school kids, to give them guidance. I loved reading this. I actually got chills from her message. She feels very powerfully pulled to God, and is going to work through Him to create this program for these kids. She will be very successful, I have no doubt!
It is so funny when you read a message. It can be taken in so many ways.
Change is a very scary thing. Outwardly committing to change is risky. It puts you "out there" and opens you up to criticism. And people do criticise!!
I sat their and thought about her message. If I had read it years ago, I would have been filled with more judgement. But over the years, I have opened my mind and heart a lot more to new ideas. (Writing a blog, for instance and putting your whole life "out there" - good bad and ugly)
My first instinct was "Oh....wow....crazy!!" But as I read her very articulate and descriptive letter, I started seeing things through her eyes. She is going with her heart and soul on this. It occurred to me what a gift she has in recognizing what her heart and soul are telling her. How strong one must be in their conviction to make a change that will affect your whole family.
I am inspired by this woman. I responded to her in kind. That I too have been considering some very similar changes that will affect my family. Hopefully in a good way. There were many things she said that resonated with me and I let her know I would be happy to participate if possible. Especially in regards to the middle schoolers. What a horrible time of life.
Sometimes strange things happen. You state an interest in something and all of a sudden, you are surrounded by the possibilities of this something. It happens all the time. (Ever tried to have a baby and all of a sudden you are surrounded by pregnant people????)
In this instance, I have been considering a change, and here this woman writes about her decision to make this humongous change - with faith, and I can't help but sit and look at my own situation. Any change we make is a leap of faith. But if you are strong enough in your convictions, you should take a serious look at the possibilities. If you are seriously drawn to something, you can make it happen.
Sometimes the decision takes a while to commit to. A big change may take longer to dwell on. But if you are truly pulled to something (and you don't let yourself ignore it), then eventually, if you put your mind to it, all the pieces will fall into place for you! (Mind you, the pieces don't necessarily mean it will be easy....just enough to point you in the right direction).
There is one trick to this whole thing....be careful what you wish for - because you may get it. Wish carefully, and listen respectfully.... I once heard a man prayed to God to open his heart and he ended up with open heart surgery. Just sayin'........
So, after reading her message this morning, I feel a little stronger in my own conviction to make those changes in my life. (Of course they are changes that will benefit my family...) I feel her message was sent to me for a reason. God works in mysterious ways you know.
Is there something you have been drawn to, that you are denying for yourself?
She is quitting her job to be with her kids, and she is going to work on implementing a religious program for middle school kids, to give them guidance. I loved reading this. I actually got chills from her message. She feels very powerfully pulled to God, and is going to work through Him to create this program for these kids. She will be very successful, I have no doubt!
It is so funny when you read a message. It can be taken in so many ways.
Change is a very scary thing. Outwardly committing to change is risky. It puts you "out there" and opens you up to criticism. And people do criticise!!
I sat their and thought about her message. If I had read it years ago, I would have been filled with more judgement. But over the years, I have opened my mind and heart a lot more to new ideas. (Writing a blog, for instance and putting your whole life "out there" - good bad and ugly)
My first instinct was "Oh....wow....crazy!!" But as I read her very articulate and descriptive letter, I started seeing things through her eyes. She is going with her heart and soul on this. It occurred to me what a gift she has in recognizing what her heart and soul are telling her. How strong one must be in their conviction to make a change that will affect your whole family.
I am inspired by this woman. I responded to her in kind. That I too have been considering some very similar changes that will affect my family. Hopefully in a good way. There were many things she said that resonated with me and I let her know I would be happy to participate if possible. Especially in regards to the middle schoolers. What a horrible time of life.
Sometimes strange things happen. You state an interest in something and all of a sudden, you are surrounded by the possibilities of this something. It happens all the time. (Ever tried to have a baby and all of a sudden you are surrounded by pregnant people????)
In this instance, I have been considering a change, and here this woman writes about her decision to make this humongous change - with faith, and I can't help but sit and look at my own situation. Any change we make is a leap of faith. But if you are strong enough in your convictions, you should take a serious look at the possibilities. If you are seriously drawn to something, you can make it happen.
Sometimes the decision takes a while to commit to. A big change may take longer to dwell on. But if you are truly pulled to something (and you don't let yourself ignore it), then eventually, if you put your mind to it, all the pieces will fall into place for you! (Mind you, the pieces don't necessarily mean it will be easy....just enough to point you in the right direction).
There is one trick to this whole thing....be careful what you wish for - because you may get it. Wish carefully, and listen respectfully.... I once heard a man prayed to God to open his heart and he ended up with open heart surgery. Just sayin'........
So, after reading her message this morning, I feel a little stronger in my own conviction to make those changes in my life. (Of course they are changes that will benefit my family...) I feel her message was sent to me for a reason. God works in mysterious ways you know.
Is there something you have been drawn to, that you are denying for yourself?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Summer fun.....?
I'm up early this morning. Totally don't want to be. But I am.
Lately, I have been falling asleep later. Not sure why. I lay down to sleep, and I'm not tired. But I am hard pressed to get up in the mornings.
I have found that when I first wake up, I need to just get up. But I don't. I linger in bed, as if it's gonna get any better and I am going to wake up any more. It just doesn't happen. I just get more frustrated with the fact that I can't bounce out of bed with boundless energy.
I usually coax myself out with all the stuff of the day to be done. Still; it doesn't make me happy.
The funny thing is, I do believe I'm a morning person. I'm just always missing my cues. When I do get up early, I love the smell in the air, the fact that the evening dark is fading away to morning light, the quiet...I love it all. I just usually end up sleeping through it.
I think because it's summer, I'm more resistant to what I have to do. Trained early on that summers are "free" is a real mistake in raising children. Adults don't get to take 3 month vacations; why should kids? (Am I sounding like a grouchy adult???)
In some ways, I get the whole year round school thing. Give kids a few longer vacations throughout the year, rather than one big one in the summer. It's easier on those who have to work and it trains the kids that reality when you are an adult is the same as when you were a kid.
But now, that I sit here, at 6:15, having to get ready for work while my kids sleep, is making me a bit....well, bitter.
I'm ready to quit my job and take a 3 month vacation. Why not, right? Oh..ya....bills..... :(
So many times I look back at my parents and I remember things they said that blew my mind. And suddenly now, they make sense. It hurts my heart that it makes sense now. Because now I have to train my children in the same lessons.
Is there an easy transition from child to adult? If there is, I'd like to know it. Because as I sit here, I want to put on my rollerblades and go to the beach and ride the strand. It's summer time, right?
But instead, I have to eat breakfast, put on makeup, get the kids ready, drop them at their summer camp and go to work.
My heart actually feels heavy today. Not that I don't like my job. I'm very fortunate that I get to do what I do. But that my early training life told me that summers are "free".
I guess I have been reflecting a lot lately. Can't help myself. When the kid in me wants to come out, and I have to tell it to stay in...it's not a win/win.
That said, I'm going to make the best of my day and take advantage at every turn. The beach will still be there tonite, so.....who knows????
Happy Tuesday!
Lately, I have been falling asleep later. Not sure why. I lay down to sleep, and I'm not tired. But I am hard pressed to get up in the mornings.
I have found that when I first wake up, I need to just get up. But I don't. I linger in bed, as if it's gonna get any better and I am going to wake up any more. It just doesn't happen. I just get more frustrated with the fact that I can't bounce out of bed with boundless energy.
I usually coax myself out with all the stuff of the day to be done. Still; it doesn't make me happy.
The funny thing is, I do believe I'm a morning person. I'm just always missing my cues. When I do get up early, I love the smell in the air, the fact that the evening dark is fading away to morning light, the quiet...I love it all. I just usually end up sleeping through it.
I think because it's summer, I'm more resistant to what I have to do. Trained early on that summers are "free" is a real mistake in raising children. Adults don't get to take 3 month vacations; why should kids? (Am I sounding like a grouchy adult???)
In some ways, I get the whole year round school thing. Give kids a few longer vacations throughout the year, rather than one big one in the summer. It's easier on those who have to work and it trains the kids that reality when you are an adult is the same as when you were a kid.
But now, that I sit here, at 6:15, having to get ready for work while my kids sleep, is making me a bit....well, bitter.
I'm ready to quit my job and take a 3 month vacation. Why not, right? Oh..ya....bills..... :(
So many times I look back at my parents and I remember things they said that blew my mind. And suddenly now, they make sense. It hurts my heart that it makes sense now. Because now I have to train my children in the same lessons.
Is there an easy transition from child to adult? If there is, I'd like to know it. Because as I sit here, I want to put on my rollerblades and go to the beach and ride the strand. It's summer time, right?
But instead, I have to eat breakfast, put on makeup, get the kids ready, drop them at their summer camp and go to work.
My heart actually feels heavy today. Not that I don't like my job. I'm very fortunate that I get to do what I do. But that my early training life told me that summers are "free".
I guess I have been reflecting a lot lately. Can't help myself. When the kid in me wants to come out, and I have to tell it to stay in...it's not a win/win.
That said, I'm going to make the best of my day and take advantage at every turn. The beach will still be there tonite, so.....who knows????
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, July 4, 2011
The fourth....
Happy 4th of July!
Thinking of this day takes me back to my childhood. You know....when you could actually buy fireworks and fire them off yourself.
It saddens me how much things have changed over the years. It seems to me that more and more privileges are taken away over the years. Our kids experiences are becoming less and less as our sense of paranoia increases.
Yesterday, when I was talking to the AAA guy about fireworks, he said they still sell them in a fairly nearby city. I found it interesting that my first thought was "oooohhh...contra ban"...like it was something evil.
When my parents raised us, I remember them telling me stories about, "When I was a kid......" then blah blah blah, because I usually tuned them out.
But now, I am fairly certain that they were saying how much more freedom they had as children, and how things were better in many ways.
With each generation, more decisions are taken away from us, as if we don't have the ability to make decisions for ourselves.
We are held responsible for our children, but are not always given the freedom to raise them as we might, without consequence, or worse yet; judgement. It is a very frustrating place to be.
So how do we give our children the same experiences we had? Though seeing fireworks over the lake is very exciting, it is not the same handheld experience we had back in the day.
Any though it isn't a right to have those experiences, it is a more rich experience (in my humble opinion), and one I would like my kids to have, at least once.
So though I may sound a bit bitter on this independence day...I am not. I am thankful for all my experiences, fireworks included, and I may take a ride to a nearby city to venture in to the contra ban. I will not give you my location, because I am not that stupid. But know that I will have a smile on my face while I watch my children in awe while holding a (dare I say it?) sparkler.
Thinking of this day takes me back to my childhood. You know....when you could actually buy fireworks and fire them off yourself.
It saddens me how much things have changed over the years. It seems to me that more and more privileges are taken away over the years. Our kids experiences are becoming less and less as our sense of paranoia increases.
Yesterday, when I was talking to the AAA guy about fireworks, he said they still sell them in a fairly nearby city. I found it interesting that my first thought was "oooohhh...contra ban"...like it was something evil.
When my parents raised us, I remember them telling me stories about, "When I was a kid......" then blah blah blah, because I usually tuned them out.
But now, I am fairly certain that they were saying how much more freedom they had as children, and how things were better in many ways.
With each generation, more decisions are taken away from us, as if we don't have the ability to make decisions for ourselves.
We are held responsible for our children, but are not always given the freedom to raise them as we might, without consequence, or worse yet; judgement. It is a very frustrating place to be.
So how do we give our children the same experiences we had? Though seeing fireworks over the lake is very exciting, it is not the same handheld experience we had back in the day.
Any though it isn't a right to have those experiences, it is a more rich experience (in my humble opinion), and one I would like my kids to have, at least once.
So though I may sound a bit bitter on this independence day...I am not. I am thankful for all my experiences, fireworks included, and I may take a ride to a nearby city to venture in to the contra ban. I will not give you my location, because I am not that stupid. But know that I will have a smile on my face while I watch my children in awe while holding a (dare I say it?) sparkler.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Beach Party
Yesterday we went to the beach to celebrate the end of the dance year.
Most people have started their summers, I still have another week. Nationals is this weekend, and after that, I’m thinking things will slow down. (They won’t….but I can think, can’t I?)
I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go to the beach party. I have had my plate so full, that the thought of battling crowds and fighting for parking didn’t totally appeal to me. But as I found many of my “mom” friends would be going, I bit the bullet. They would be my spoonful of sugar in the thick of the medicine.
I have known some of these moms for years. Yet as dance is only a few hours a week, we usually cut and run. Drop the kids, pick up the kids and hardly ever see or talk to the parents.
This year with both girls on dance team, I have had a bit more time enjoying the moms (well, and dads too). The competitions are farther away, and the days are longer, which affords us a bit more time. However, that time is usually spent primping our children for the next go-round of dance.
This beach party would be a place where we could park ourselves, enjoy the view and actually “chat” for a while. To be at a place where there is no schedule (other than to refill the meter).
It was also a place for all the kids to blow off steam from the year - to don their bathing suits and actually play together. It was great to see the kids interact in a way that was unstructured.
The thing I loved most about watching all the kids play together was that, though there are clicks (those who are most comfortable with each other), there was no age boundary or gender issue.
When we first pulled up, one of the boys was with his parents, trying to park, and he rolled down his window and said “Hi Aspen”!
Now, why this is a big deal, I don’t know. But it is. Here is a boy, initiating conversation, without pretense or want. I loved it. In my mind, this is two individuals on equal playing ground, with no issues to get in the way.
As we parked ourselves on the beach, more people filtered in. I watched the younger girls tugging on the older girls. Boys and girls building sand castles together and then it happened…..someone found a sand crab……I don’t mind the sand crabs…..but they didn’t all have to come show me (so I could take a picture)…..gross!!!
It was a great experience watching all the kids interact with each other on a different level. The more I “play” with these kids, the more impressed with them I become.
I know so many kids who have a hard time interacting, or even caring, about the younger generation at their feet. But these kids embrace and engage. It was heartwarming and fabulous.
This dance studio embodies what I want for my children. There is a sense of family and caring that I haven’t experienced before. Most people involved with the studio are families that have been there for years. They want to help. They offer to help. It’s fantastic.
I know I have talked a lot about dance lately, because thanks to my kids; that has become my life. However, it isn’t just dance. It is my children’s’ development, both emotionally, and physically. It is their sense of self. The forming of their future.
Last night after most left; a few of us stayed until the sun was gone. We chatted and laughed and had a very relaxing time.
I ended up with a few extra bodies on the way home. They are out for donuts now (daddy’s ritual). I love these kids, and I’m so proud of who they all are, and who they are becoming. I hope they continue on this path. But even I can’t be naïve. Life gets in the way, and the best we can do sometimes is pray the goodness continues!!!
Happy Sunday
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)