Finding Value in your day

Ever find yourself looking back on the day and feeling it was wasted time?

I remember my dad saying to me, "Money wasted can be regained, but time wasted is lost forever".  It's a pretty heavy statement, because it is so true.  It's easy to value money, because we know what we can BUY with it or what we have lost when we inadvertently drop a $20 on the ground by accident, (or drop $100 in our gas tank).  We feel the loss.  But is that the same when we lose a bit of time in our day???

How do you find value in time???? 

It's a tough concept, because for a lot of us, we are so wound up in our lives, we don't have time to think about it.  On the contrary, when we think about money, we budget, we plan and we spend it very carefully, sometimes going without, because we don't have enough money.

In this recession, I have to say I am a bit grateful.    It has made a lot of us stop and reassess what is REALLY important.  And for most of us it is our family, or health, or realizing that we don't always have a say in the cards; that God is the one in charge here! (insert your own diety if you wish).

There have been many wake up calls in recent years that have brought my perspective back into play.  I look at my kids, who were just in my arms as babies.  I realize I have been with my husband almost 2 decades.  I have lost my father and some friends in an untimely passing.  That is enough for me to stop and take a look at what is important and start viewing my time with a bit more value.

I have heard it said, if you don't know what kind of life you want to lead, sit down and write your eulogy. (you know...that thing that people say after you die???)  Wierd I know, but think about it!  What would you want said about you?  What would you want to be remembered for?  Think about the end and work backwards. 

I know that when I look back, I don't want to be remembered for all the "stuff" I had in my life.  I want to be remembered for the good things I have done.  That I was a good friend, mother and wife.  That I contributed to society and was a good example in the world.

Having an idea of how I want to be rememembered and how I contributed to this world gives me better perspective on how I can budget my time and find value in my day.  It makes me realize the value in my kisses to my kids and hugs to my husband and laughs with my friends.

How do YOU find value in time??

Following up on a "fail"

So, I was asked yesterday about the post I wrote, "

When the recipient misinterprets, then replies in writing themselves, adding another piece of the conversation left to misinterpretation by the original writer, who replies in defense of what they originally MEANT, but that in itself solidifies the original misinterpretation...and on, and on. .......what should the people involved DO to rectify the situation?

 

I loved this question, because it got me wondering?  How WOULD one rectify the situation?  I can only use my own personal experiences, so my answer will have to do mostly with......well, ME!!!  (Fair enough, right??)

 

I have two scenarios of 'failed email messages' that come to mind.  (I'm so proud....not)  I will leave out the gory details, cuz no one really cares about them.  So, I'll speak in generalities....

 

The first instance when my email was sent, I was able to rectify it with a very heated conversation, but fulfilling discussion that made everything 'cool'.  However, there were TWO people involved!  The OTHER person is one I do not have an ongoing relationship with, so it makes it tricky.  I see her at work, but we don't have regular dialog, and this poses a problem.  Though we spoke in person briefly, I DID follow our conversation up with a, "If you misunderstood me, I apologize." To which she replied, "Think nothing more of it."  And, though she said that I appreciated it, but felt that she didn't totally mean it. 

 

THIS is the problem with communicating with someone whom you don't see all the time and don't have a concrete relationship.  Concrete relationships take a lot of time to build.  So when sending messages, it is REALLY important to know your audience.  Now, in my defense, this situation was a work issue.  So I wrote it in a "work" manner with, "just the facts, ma'am".  I didn't really pad it; I just had to get it out there to fix my work issue.    I do believe my request will be heeded, but I'm sad for the work relationship, which now needs, well....WORK!  But whatever.  Some messages go bad and it's hard to recover.

As for the other message I sent a while go, this was a family issue and I thought I was 'okay' in expressing my feelings, but realized afterward that I was wrong!  And the whole thing went so far downhill, I thought I would lose my husband!  Yes...it was THAT bad!!  Nobody's perfect, that is for sure!!! (hubby did hang with me, thank GOD!)

I never sent it with bad intentions, but filters, and emotions got in the way of my "message" and it was miscontrued on too many levels to recover.  Would I send it again if given the chance?  NO WAY JOSE!!!  It wasn't worth it.  I honestly though we had a concrete relationship, because it's family.  But this email and the ones that followed made the relationship fall like a house built on sand  As for the reconciliation, I feel the feelings run so deep on both sides that healing may never totally happen.  Conversation isn't really an option, because in my side of things fear has built a brick wall.  I ADORE this family member to whom the ill-fated message was sent.  However, lets just say "I broke it", and I can't unbreak it. 

In summation, I feel that if your relationship bears continuing, email communication isn't always best.  If you have a concrete relationship with someone, it can be rectified.  But if you do not have a concrete relationship, you are putting yourself at risk. 

I did mention that I feel I am a pretty articulate person.  But whether or not one is articulate is not the question.  The question is more like, "How concrete is your relationship and how important is that message you are about to send?" 

Misinterpretations

It's funny how ones words can get misconstrued so easily.  One simple sentence can be interpreted a million different ways, depending on the person, the inflection, the actual words used, and of course, the mood of the recipient.

Conveniently we hear what we WANT to hear.  Based on the filters we have developed for ourselves, a few words can be totally messed up and taken all wrong.

Recently (in recent months I should say), I have sent a few emails that, well lets say, "Blew Up" in my face.  Let me preface this first, with the fact that I would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS WRITE A LETTER IF I KNEW IT WOULD HURT OR OFFEND!!!  Which brings us to the first law of letter writing: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!.

Now, I pride myself on being articulate.  I'm very emotional, so I am pretty well versed on the reaction my letter is supposed to have!  But in all honesty, when you write something, it is one sided and there is no real way to have a dialog with this.  You are only working on a monolog.  So, simply put, your words are left to the interpretation of the recipient without any inflection from your voice.

Inflection is HUGE!  It's how we DELIVER a meaning in a sentence!  Without it, you are really left with, well...just words!!!  Without YOUR inflection, THEIR interpretation is at the mercy of THEIR filters that they grew up with, which can be as vast as the sea!  So keep in mind, though you may be the greatest writer in the world, you are only as good as your audience.  If your audience fails to interpret as you have written.....you yourself fail!

Enough information to cripple you

Sometimes I'm confused by all the information "out there".  With all the labels we have nowadays, certainly I can find a name for whatever my 'issue' is.  There is so much research done and so many studies in the world that there is inevitable, conflicting information.
In this instance I am referring to my own personal issues.  I have had a diagnosis of "GERD" which is Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease.   Apparently, reflux isn't uncommon at all.  Well, nowadays anyway!
I think about how all these "diseases" came about and wonder; were they there 100 years ago?  Or has our society changed so much, we have actually started creating them with our food options?
And now, as I try to reverse the effects of my "disease", I'm overwhelmed with all the information out there on this subject!
Which doctor to see, which foods to eat, which ones to avoid, should I take the meds, or will they create another issue that is worse than the one I'm dealing with, etc.....
The information is literally crippling my ability to move forward!

But I cannot help but reflect back on what got me here!?!?!?!  Is it all the processed foods I ate growing up?  Is it food allergies or intolerances (there IS a difference) that are causing this issue? 

It is pretty scary to think about it all.  Because I do believe the end result will fall onto my children.  Most certainly I will not want THEM dealing with these issues when they get older!  So, I have a lot of work ahead of me.  And though I should just jump in, I feel overwhelmed with options. 

I'm sure any doctor I go to can "cure" me.  If I go to an accupunturist, he'll use his needles, if I go to a chiropractor, he'll tell me my spine is out and he can help, if I go to a Gastroenterologist, he'll find some sore of medication that will surely do the trick.  If I go to a nutrtionist, he'll give me a list of foods to eat/avoid. 

Literally any doctor will tell you they can help you. But where is my money best spent?  Right now, I'm not quite sure! 

And though THIS is MY issue; in the world, we all have our issues, and our plethora O'information to go through before we make our decisions.  It's all so much!

So for now, I think I will just take it one day at a time; and one doctor at a time.  Since I do NOT want to be on meds, I'm guessing, I will see someone who can talk to me about food intolerances.  I have been given some pretty good recommendations. 

I really do think our food choices are making us sick.  But I'll save that tangent for another day!  I don't want to give anyone too much information that will cripple THEM from making any good decisions.  We all need to go with our "gut" and do what is best for ourselves.

Hope your Monday is Sunny and bright!

Happy Sunday

Well, I'm not sure what I have to say, if much at all!  Afterall, everyone needs a day off, right?  (who am I kidding?  I'll find something to blab about).  Being that it is Sunday, I will give a shout out to God.

Recently, we started going to church.  And I mean for the first time EVER as a family! I had gone in the past, but it never really 'stuck' because of this or that or the other!  Truth is, I was raised catholic, and though my mom refuses to understand or believe me, I was riddled with guilt and fear and the worst part is, I never really got "religion" other than you need to live by Gods Rules.  Now, we all have rules, right?  But for some reason, the Catholic rules were presented in a pretty scary way.  At least to me!  And, so I felt like I was either doing something "Right"....or doing something "Wrong, forbidden, and you will PAY DEARLY". 
In my heart of hearts, I didn't feel religion was that way, so I strayed on a path in my own direction.

For a LOT of YEARS!!!!

Now, I'm not here to convert anyone, I really don't care what religion or what church anyone goes to.   And I certainly do not want to discuss anyone's views, so I won't really be putting any here, other than, we all need to find our own way. 

In my years of straying, I held MY  beliefs close.  But what I struggled with, was finding a church that was comfortable for me and left me feeling capable, rather than handicapped.   The other thing that kept me straying was "life was getting in the way".  But the problem that I found, was that I wasn't really worried about my own foundation, so it wasn't so important to me.  What is interesting is the fire that got lit about religion, recently, was my girls.  Yes, I had MY foundation....but what about THEM???  I didn't want them to grow up not knowing God.  Thankfully (yes, I'm going to bring up my friends again) with the help of MANY of my friends, I heard about all sorts of options and the best part is....church AIN'T what is used to be!  That is for SURE!!!

All the churches that we visited had (get this), "Kids programs".  And, I'm here to tell you, if they had this when I was growing up, I would NOT have strayed from church EVER!!!  I'm actually jealous! (that's a sin, I know). 

So, long story, long....we did find a place where not only the kids enjoy....but dear old hubby (whom I used to call atheist), is sitting right next to me!  BOY have things changed! 

And a part of me is feeling fulfilled, because when I was a kid, Sundays were spent in church AS A FAMILY, and that is part of my foundation.  I am now (or shall I say, "WE" are now...) giving our children a foundation that will carry them WAYYYY FORWARD!!! 

The funny thing about church, religion, God, beliefs, or however you wish to present it to yourself....is that I honestly feel that it is all about making a proper balance in life.   That good begets good.  Since we have been going to church, I feel like my husband and I have more to talk about and at least one more thing in common!  And for marriage, the more in your court, the better!!!

I also have something more to share with the kids.  These Sundays are more like a spiritual social outting that makes everyone happy, and I'm so glad!  For those of you who REALLY know me, you know this was quite the journey for me, personally.  And I am thankful that God waited for me to come back!

And for the Catholics out there....I applaud you.  I don't care who is what religion.  That has never been an issue in my life.  What I care about is following a path that feels right in your own body, all the way down to your own soul! 

Life is a Journey!  If it were a trip....we'd all be done already!!!

The Wild Hair syndrome

Sometimes I am struck with...well let's call it a "wild hair" to do something not planned!  Usually, it's when I have to do something else, like cleaning the house or doing taxes, but hey, I say, when the mood strikes, go for it!

Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to do what isn't planned!  It's good to get "out of the box" and have fun.  But if you find yourself doing it often, when you are supposed to be doing something else, you might want to ask yourself if it is the best use of your time!

Sometimes, we go on a whim, and it's all good.  But sometimes, we use it as an avoidance mechanism, and that can be counterproductive.  Many times I find myself "Creating" things that "need" to be done, when in fact, I'm just avoiding a less pleasing task.  Usually, cleaning my house.  For the most part that is okay, unless it gets to a point of frustration.  I get very frustrtated at times that I cannot keep my house tidy.  I drop and run so often throughout the day that I literally find trash on counters and tables that I just as easily could have walked over to the can and dumped it.  Such is my life.

It amazes me the intricate weave that is our emotions!  They actually have terms for these things like "Displacement".  This is when you are angry and someone, but take it out on someone else.  Ever been there?  Or "Passive Aggressive".  This is a great one.!  This is is a type of behavior in which a person is angry but instead of discussing it openly, they secretly sabotage situations, events or relationships. It's so annoying!  And sometimes hard to deal with.  Because those who are passive aggressive, and GOOD at it, are sometimes hard to detect.  They go along in agreement, but secretly switch things or make them more difficult and it's pretty tiresome trying to figure it all out!  Personally, I don't have time for that, and I have gotten pretty good about detecting it.  I'm way too tired to have to figure people out so I appreciate those who are more direct.  There are so many terms for so many things we do it can make your head spin!  As I stated in an earlier posting, we literally have Labels for EVERYTHING!!!!

But, this isn't about personal relationships or labels (I guess); this is about avoidance.  Avoiding that which needs to be done.  All in all, I think it just falls into our patterns in life!  Mine is total avoidance!  I don't like to be bothered with things that don't make me happy.  But somethings that I avoid have deferred happiness.  Like cleaning the house!  Their IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  If I do it, the house WILL be clean!  So, WHY don't I just make that part of my pattern?

Well, unfortunately, I don't think that is possible.  There are new habits, but I fail to see how we can create new patterns.  Maybe I'm just looking at it from a shallow perspective, however, I think patterns are formed in childhood.  I truly am following the same patterns from my childhood.  And I work really hard to create new habits to overcome them.  However, I think it is exceptionally hard to undo what you were raised with and what formed you.

Take my weight loss for example.  I lost 52lbs and it took me 20 months to do so.  By the time I hit my goal, I was living a new lifestyle.  I had changed my habits enough to create all new ones.  But guess what....2 years later, after practicing my "new" lifestyle every day, I STILL find myself creeping into my old patterns.  They are SOOOO deeply buried into my soul, that they simmer up to the surface when I'm not paying attention.  In my heart of hearts, I still wanna sit on the couch with a bowl of ice cream when I have had a bad day.  And for the most part, I can talk myself out of it.  But what I remember, as a child, that my parents used to bring home all sorts of different ice creams to try.  And in my memory, I remember many a night bringing them their nightly bowl of ice cream (Banana Susanna was my fav). 

So, while you struggle to create good habits for yourself in your lifetime, know that you will always have those patterns that helped to form who you are!  Not that you can't change your life.....but you'll always be fighting something a little bit stronger than a new habit!!! 

Just when you thought you caught up with the Jones's

I find that things stick with me until I figure them out!  And I mean STICK with me!  Not on the forefront, but in the back of my mind.  For YEARS!!!    And WHEN I figure them out there is usually some huge life-lesson attached to it. 
Over the years I have fallen victim to wanting what others have.  Not only is it NOT a smart thing to do, it's also considered a 'sin'!  (sorry, raised Catholic, the guilt stays with you). 

But as a 'watcher of life', I realized many things.  First and foremost; 'AIN'T NOBODY GOT IT PERFECT HONEY'!  Yep, I said it!  Nobody has "THE PERFECT LIFE".  I have found it doesn't exist.  Because we are NEVER 100% happy!  I don't think it's in our DNA.  Now, we may have perfect MOMENTS, but those are fleeting and your best bet is to have a good memory and hold onto is as much as possible.  For me, my memory is terrible, which is really sad.  But my emotional memory is great!  I don't remember what happened, but I DO remember how I FELT at certain times.  And THAT, I can hold on to forever.  A simple song can take me back to a feeling in an instant!  As well as a certain smell from my childhood.

But, I digress.  What does this have to do with other people?  Well, a lot and nothing at all. 

Thankfully, because I am an honest person, and I hold nothing back; I have found that this invites others to do the same.  I am one of those lucky people who gets to hear the truth about other peoples' lives.  And for this I am very very thankful.  Because for those who don't have that gift, you are left wondering if others are living perfect lives.

Well, fear not!  They aren't!!! 

What I have found is that behind the perfect "exterior" of many relationships, there is some sort of turmoil (in different and varying degrees) that those "perfect" people are dealing with.  Take a look at husbands and wives.  Sure, they show up at the party on time, holding hands, kissing and snuggling.  But what you may NOT see, is that when they get home, their issues arise again, and life goes on as normal.  She's frustrated, because he keeps the toilet seat up, and he's angry that she hasn't done the dishes! 

I have learned to be very careful about what I "think" I know about others.  The truth is....you never REALLY do!  And what does this matter???
Well, simply put, we ALL have our "bag" to deal with.  Life is a journey.  It's OUR journey!  We came into this world alone and we will leave it the same way.  What does YOUR journey say about YOU???  Does it say that you were too busy looking at your neighbors back yard, yearning for what they have?  Or that you were present in every moment of YOUR life???
Last night, my daughter came in and asked me, "Mommy, why do people talk about there being a big earthquake in California?"  It broke my heart and made me want to cry for the fear she was probably feeling.  I brought her over to me and told her, "For as long as I can remember, there have been talks about tragedys that will be awful.  And I have gotten caught up in the fear of it all for years.  And do you know what happened?  I lost YEARS of my life worrying about it!  The truth is, we only have "right now" at any given time.  We will all die, that is a fact of life.  But it is more important to spend our days living and being the best we can and to pray to God to protect us."  Then I told her how my anxieties have been really hard to deal with, but I found a mantra that works for "ME".  I told her, "When I find myself worrying about the future and getting scared, I stop myself, and simply say, "I'm here now".  And I repeat it until I feel better.  That brings me back to the present". 

We cannot control anything but ourselves.  That is a fact of life!  Oh, and that thing that stuck with me from my childhood was a mug that sat on my parents shelf.  It used to bug me so much, because I didn't get it until one day in my late twenties....I finally understood its meaning and the life lesson behind it: 

Just when you think you caught up with the Jones's ....they REFINANANCE!!!  UGH.........

Look in your OWN backyard people.  Happy Friday!

Like a Mirror to My Face

My girls.  They bring a smile to my face, just thinking of them!  And I say that knowing that their teenage years haven't hit yet!  In my opinion, I am probably in the best years of my life with them!  I get to reflect back on their toddler years and realize I have two budding young ladies that I am so proud of!  Yet, sometimes I get a little nervous about what I see and fear for their future.  Why, you ask?  Because a lot of their bad habits are MINE AND WHAT I HAVE TAUGHT THEM! 

Not directly, mind you.  I would never consciously teach my kids to not pick up after themselves or be scatterbrained or even short-tempered to those around them.  They simply learned the negative flaws that have haunted me through life!

It makes me want to fall to my knees and pray REALLY hard to help me fix my own flaws so they can't witness them anymore and take them for their own! 

Ignorance is bliss, of course, because they have NO idea what is ahead of them if they don't correct it.  But the truth is, as children, we follow our parents, because for the most part, we know of nothing else!  Well...until the teenage years where they know EVERYTHING and parents suddenly become stupid and useless in their lives!  (Think back....you know what I'm talking about!!!!)

Having children is like having a mirror up to your face!  I remember the first time I heard my daughter (circa 8 yrs old) stand up to her dad, yelling at him with the same voracity as he was throwing at her!  I stood around the corner and laughed at the mini-me that he'd created! (Oh ya, they copy him too). 

I hate to tell people with no children that they will never get it until/unless they have children, because I used to HATE hearing that myself!  I just didn't get it and I thought it was SUCH a rude statement!  But GOD is it true???

Your whole world is opened up and you can't help but view things differently.  It's almost terrifying when you think about it!  Your world is not your own anymore and your actions don't go without consequence.  Now, you have your little ones to be accountable to.  And if you make a bad decision, they will certainly pay the price as will you!

But in this instance, when I look at my kids and see the little nuances that they have stolen from me and absorbed as their own, I have to say; it's not all bad!  I can work on them being messy (though I will have to work on myself as well).  What I also see is their compassion.  Their sense of humor.  Their wit (I give daddy credit for that one).   When I look at my kids, I am happy.  Because though they will struggle with the 'stuff' that I have unknowingly and unwillingly thrust upon them, they are also graced with the goodness and love that really matters.  And seeing that makes that mirror not so difficult to look at!  I am a proud and fullfilled mommy!

Labels and gifts

A couple days ago I talked about pushing through the pain.  And before that about True Friends.  I'm very thankful for my friends and this morning I realized how strategically placed they all are!
Having two daughters, I do my best to emphasize to them that though a best friend is good; having many good friends is better!  And I do my best to remind them, "You have to be a good friend to have a good friend". 
I know who to go to in my life, depending on what my need is!  If I need to eat better, I call my foodie friend.  If I need to workout I go to my workout friends.  If I have a "hate my husband day" (c'mon, I'm not alone in this one; he hates me too sometimes), then I have a few friends with whom I can commiserate.  (And the best part is, THOSE friends usually come with a nice bottle of wine and many commiseration stories to make me realize I am SOOOO not alone!)
And then there is my personal favorite; the "I've really screwed up and I need someone to justify my actions!" friend.  Those are probably the most important ones for us, because THEY are the ones who can talk us off the cliff before we jump!!  (But IF we jump, they will justify it to everyone else on your dead behalf). 
Now, I'm not here to belabor how I have such great friends.  But I find that as a mom, dealing with daughters, I think back SO OFTEN to the many things I did wrong as a kid with my friends.  And my girls are doing the very same things!!!  In time, they will learn, just as I did!
However...things have changed a bit since WE were kids.  Nowadays we have a "Label" for every issue out there in the world known to man!  Kids don't have issues, they have "ADD, or they are "Autistic", "Dyslexic",  "Emotionally Distant" "Overactive" "Spastic", "Regressing",  "Aggressive" or whatever label you want to put on anyone is up to you.  I don't care about labels so much.  I don't mind diagnoses if they have a purpose, but sometimes we just STOP at the label as if there is nothing more to it.  And that is a bummer!  The bottom line is, we are all different and we have to learn to live together and work together and in some cases, "put up with each other". 
I try to teach my girls that there are all different kinds of people in the world, and the sooner we can realize and accept that, the sooner we can open our minds to find out how we can actually "cope" with others.  The best piece of advice I can remember from my mom when I started working:  I came home from my very first "real" job and said, "There is this lady there who's really abrupt and rude".  To which she replied, "Catherine, there's a prick in every bunch.  You just have to learn to deal with them."  I was 18 when she told me that and for EVERY job I have had since, I actually look and find that she is, in fact, correct.  And guess who I am always the nicest and most obliging to?  The Prick!  It's always worked for me.  I realize that they have their ways and I'm not going to change them.  Usually makes for a good working relationship!
The bottom line is we are all different; but we all have our place.  If we spend our time looking at the "label", will will negate the "person" standing behind the label.  It's more important to spend your time looking for THEIR gift.  After all, I think we all have something special to offer.  If someone takes the time to look hard enough to find it.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

You know I find a lot of value in the golden rule.  I honestly try to do my best to live by it.  So when someone treats ME as I am CERTAIN they themselves would not appreciate being treated; I get angry!
It's not always easy to treat others as you wish to be treated.  Especially when so many others demonstrate complete selfishness.  My brain goes into overdrive asking questions like "HOW do they NOT get it?"
I think the bottom line is; to ASSUME others would be like me is to make an ASS out of U and ME! 
So, everyone is NOT like me!  That is what makes the world go around.  Right?

So, what do you do when faced with a situation where someone honestly needs to be addressed for their complete lack of respect?  I find this completely troublesome, because I usually spend way too much time going over the scenarios of the conversation in my head to make sure it turns out "right" before I actually open my mouth!  Usually, though, anxiety takes over and I get very agitated and ultimately end up stopping myself altogether.  I was given the gift of "Reaction" not "Grace" in the face of conflict.  So, because of this, I usually hold off on saying something, because I realize that my emotions will take over and make me look like an idiot.  I have learned this from experience.  It is very frustrating. 
And the worst part is; is after the moment is gone and not even available to confront, and deal with, I run it over and over and over again in my head like a bad movie reel, so that I can further beat myself up about how I "should have" handled it.  And I do this knowing there is no way to fix it.

It's a vicious cycle, these emotions that run amok in my head.  I get a little tired of the inner dialog.  It's there all the time.  Usually, I can tune it out.  But when something happens, I just can't get away from it.  I guess it all comes down to fear for standing up for myself.  Or feeling that someone else will put me in my place, further perpetuating the negativity already running wild in my head!

Thankfully, with age, comes perspective.  Some things don't seem as important, because with the clearer picture that perspective brings, you get to see what really matters.  And what really matters just walked into my office to kiss me good night and let me plant a million kisses all over her face!!! 

Pushing through the pain

Monday Monday......
I woke up this morning in pain and exhausted.  It seems that my schedule is never ending and no downtime.  So what better way to recover than to sleep in right?  Wrong.  I made a promise that I would show up Monday to boot camp, and thankfully, I made the promise to the boot camp guru, Heidi, who is here to keep me accountable!  If I didn't show up....she would know.  And, I would feel bad.  Not only that, I would spend my day in shame for not following through on a promise.  To both her and myself.
It's really hard to do the right thing sometimes.  Especially when you aren't in the mood!  However, my not being in the mood put 50 extra pounds on my bones and that didn't do ANYONE any good.
I have known for a few months that I have been in a slump. 
Losing weight is easy.  You lose.  But maintaining is hard.  It is a whole other bag of balance.  And when life gets in the way, something has to give.  But the question is; what am I going to "let" that be?  What will mean the least to me that I can let go!?  Usually, it's exercise.  But exercise is what got me the definition in my arms.  It got me the momentum that kept me going.  So what is the real price for not following through on that???  The real price is my mental stability! 
Exercise helped me to stabilize my anxiety and bring it to a level so manageable it didn't require medication.  Exercise brought my body to a healthy BMI and afforded me the glory of looking in the mirror at my success.  Exercise brought me pride.
So, though I wanted to let this morning be spent in bed; I have the gift of hindsight.  I am very aware that my decisions today shape my future.  I have some plans for the near future and I need to see them achieved.  So I got out of bed, did the boot camp, and was very thankful that I did.  But I already knew I would feel this way!  When I make a right decision; it always feels right.  Even if my body hurts!!!

Flawed

Well, the day's not over and I'm sure I can fill my page with something!    I realized today that appearance means a lot to people.  And the "best" appearance seems to mean the most.
I grew up in an affluent area.  I witnessed many who had much.  And more who had obscene amounts of "much".  What I learned early on is that "stuff" does not equal "worth".  Worth is something really valuable.  While "stuff"' is just...well...STUFF. 
However, it is apparent that stuff is necessary to make ones worth seem real.  So people acquire it so they can keep the smokescreen going.
In my life, I am most surprised by people who judge me without even knowing me.  Appearance really is only appearance after all.  It's amazing how quickly people can "sum you up" by looking at you.  But how much do they really know???  How much can you REALLY tell?  And in the end...who REALLY cares, and what does their "summing up" really mean?  It will not change who I am.  It will not define me.  And more often than not, it will be so far off base, I will undoubtedly laugh just because I can't stop myself.
People can work really hard to keep up appearances and it makes me crazy, because in the end, I just want to know the truth.  But I have found that most people do NOT want to "just know the truth".   It is far easier to assume we know something, and not delve deeper.
Where am I going with this???  Well, I spent two whole days tidying my house so that it looked presentable. 
The truth is, it rarely is presentable.  Never has been.  Probably never will be.  My brain doesn't work that way.  It hasn't for over 40 years. 
It does bum me out.  But what bums me out more, is people who judge me because of it.  I am who I am.  My friends accept this.  My family accepts this.  They love me anyway.  For that I am grateful.  And to be honest, if they came over tonite for the celebration and the house was a mess; they still would have sat down and had dinner and laughed their butts off because my husband has a penchant for making people do that.  I wanted to clean the house because it was my moms and nephews birthday.  And I'm glad I did.   That said, if you are here to see ME....you are welcome any time.  If you are here to see my clean house....please make an appointment!!! 

True Friends

How do you tell a true friend from a fake or "faux" friend?  It's not always easy to tell.  Personally, in my progressing years, I have found my true friends.  And not only that; I have also honed my "true friend detector".  There are some people you REALLY want to be good friends with, but for some reason the recipe isn't "just so" and therefore, it never happens.  In my opinion, true friendships come pretty easy.  But a REAL true friend doesn't go running for the hills when there is a problem!
Take my recent situation -
I had something that was bothering me, so I reached out via email (I don't recommend this by the way), and it blossomed into a huge mushroom cloud of crap!  I realized that this particular person is very sensitive and does not know me as 'me', and therefore proceeded to use passive aggressive measures to bypass her true anger.  Which bums me out.  Because now, I'm left feeling hurt; she's left feeling hurt, and at this point, our 'friendship' hasn't progressed enough to know that we can get passed this.  So....it is left in a yucky way.  However....the OTHER person involved in this "yuck-ness", I approached, discussed with (very heatedly at times), and I think we are back at a good place!  I realized that I am SOOOOOO thankful for people to whom I cannot be perfect!
Now....I realize without knowing all the details you have to interpret a bit.  But the truth is, the details don't matter.  The lesson is there!  One of the relationships turned into a bit of a "fail", while the other grew!
Going into the heated discussions with my one friend made me very anxious, because I was fearful that she would judge me and look at me differently.  However, I explained to her that I absolutely and positively can NOT ignore when something is bothering me.  It LITERALLY festers in my body and causes me panic attacks.  She appreciated that and forgave me my indiscretions!
Now, the REAL bummer about this WHOLE situation was, it was NEVER meant to be hurtful.  Because of email, the inflection wasn't there, the message got taken wrong, and I was left with a HUGE mop trying to clean up my mess!  Email SUCKS!!!!  But as you can see how I LOVE writing, I honestly thought I put everything in a very "threat-free" manor.  CLEARLY, I didn't!  It's amazing how lack of inflection (in email) can cause HUGE GAPS in conveying YOUR message.  So BEWARE!!!  (Like my use of CAPS)?
Sometimes the best communication is in person.  When in doubt, pick up the phone!  I had used the excuse of "I didn't have time and I thought it would be easier to shoot of an email".  Well.....two days and many conversations later, that was NOT a good choice. 
All that said, in the end-communication is the key!  Your true friends will stick it out with you if you are honest and heartfelt in your words. 
Most of my friends know that I shoot from the hip and I cuss like a sailor (still trying to work on that); and they forgive me my flaws.  For that I am very thankful.  NONE of us are perfect! 
What are your flaws and how do you get through your friendships???  Avoid and fester?  Or communicate and free yourself???
I, for one, feel much better.  I have a deeper appreciation for my friend, and I am SO grateful we got through this!  Today, I feel blessed!!!

OMG another blog????

I couldn't help myself.  I have so much to say and that it doesn't all fit into ONE blog category.  Such is my life, I am all over the place.  I'm sure I'm the only one, right?   ....... uh....Right???  ........helloooooo??? 
Well, anyway, maybe I am.  The only consistent thing in my life is I am INconsistent!  And, it's such a bummer.  I am like a buoy in the sea, floating where the current takes me.  Sometimes it works to my benefit, and other times it bites me in the...(insert body part here).
I just need a place to put my very random thoughts.  Things happen every day and they don't follow a pattern.  They happen and they are what they are.  What this blog is about is exactly that!  Whatever happens happens and it will end up here.
If you wish to follow, please feel free.  However, this is a place of non judgement.   If you wish to judge, please find yourself to the door. 
In my experience with people, we do not share enough.  We hold it in thinking we are the only ones suffering, and it's really sad.  I am nothing without my support system around me!
I have considered starting a small group so people can come and get together and chat away or work through their personal issues.  Counseling is not affordable to most.  But what I have found, is there is power in numbers.  I may not have the answer, but maybe someone else can!  Who's with me?? (hold your response).
So, my first tangent of the day is about what sits inside my stomach.  I call it "My emotions".  If something happens to me, I feel it in my stomach, and depending on the specific emotion, it could go up in my chest, or down a bit lower, to make me want to double over and fold in half.  Ever feel that way???
I'm a bit angry that I can't get rid of it until I DEAL with it.  And if I don't DEAL with it, it turns into a full blown anxiety attack.
Now, dealing with issues is okay....when it DOESN'T involve other people to help you resolve.  However, when you have to deal with others in the process of letting something go, it becomes even MORE anxiety provoking until I actually face it.  But THEN.....there is the mixed bag of "How will the other person respond.....?", which...well lets say, don't get me started on this one.
I wish there was a way I could resolve it in my mind and walk away.  But my curse of honesty doesn't permit this to happen very often.  And when I DO have a situation where facing the other person willnot EVER resolve my emotions, it's a very long time of mantras in my head until it diminishes to a "live-able" level.   But the most important thing first, is to acknowledge the feelings and then figure out the best way to deal!  With that,  I usually defer to my friends for advice.  Thankfully, I have great friends who are not afraid to talk me down from the cliff when I'm ready to jump!  I encourage you to lean on your friends when you need them.  We are not without fault in our lives.  And the sooner we realize that and use each other to get through this thing called life, the better off we will all be.
That is my daily tangent.  If I want to have two a day, I will, because, hey...this is MY blog!!!
Happy Friday!!!