The sun is peaking through, signaling a brand new day. But I'm not ready to greet it yet. And I'm sitting in the kitchen, which doesn't make sense, right? Well, it does if you were up at 3am.
For some reason, I was awakened at 3am. Eyes wide open with a sense of alarm. It seems that 3am is the time one gets, well, lets just say, "Clarity!"
I can barely function through my days, struggling with what to remember needs to be done. Yet when I'm up at 3 in the morning, all of a sudden, it all comes at me as clear as day, with a sense of urgency. As if I have the list right in front of my face. It's insane! (Or....how insanity begins).
I tried as hard as I could to get back to bed, but so many things came rushing at me, my mind wouldn't relax. My mind was reeling with my "To Do's". I was running through my next 7 days was in my mind. It's going to be a busy week, and nearly ever minute is planned. I have taken on extra days of work; which means, I need 2-3 people to help out with my kids and their schedules. (so yes, it takes 3 of me to replace 1 of me when I'm absent).
• Did I schedule them all properly, and did I remind them?
• We are going to the Ren Faire and the kids have nothing to wear, so we need to scrounge up costumes.
• I have a party to go to which is taking up my whole Saturday,so I really have 6 days this week • Meet at the bank on Monday for Girl Scouts • Lunch meeting • Photo Event Monday Night (confirm girls dance pickup) • Work Tuesday; girls to dance then homework • Work Wednesday til 2 then girls and homework • Work Thursday, pick up kids, tutoring,dance,p/u from tutoring drop Avery at home then to night meeting • Friday, work til noon. Errands, kids •
It was all too much swirling in my head; so I got up and walked around. I made the mistake of looking at my computer, as if it would have some calming affect for me and alas....it did not. I found one more item to add to my to do list that has the utmost urgency, during the busiest week I have had in about a year.
(So, now at this point, I think to myself, sleep isn't coming. I might as well, go out and take a jog, with as fast as my heart is racing. I need to get this adrenaline out of my system!)
It never fails that I can barely make it through my days, yet my mind has it all together in the middle of the night. What is up with that????
Is it possible I am living my life in reverse? Should I be awake at 3AM and asleep at 3PM???? Maybe I have been living wrong all my life. That would make so much sense to me. Why I always need naps mid afternoon!
For the first few years of our relationship, I was berated by Chris for taking naps. He didn't get it. He's not a napper. I actually felt like something was wrong with me until I met a friend who told me she can't function without 20 minutes down in her day. I felt vindicated. I realized there were people in the world, like me, and that maybe I didn't have some genetic malfunction. (Though Chris would still challenge that).
Eventually, I did get back to sleep. Who knows what time. And I am awake now, at 7am. Feeling exhausted. And with a full plate that now has to be rearranged. So, my first order of the day is to (once again) look at my plate; rearrange, dump, redistribute, recalculate and basically LOWER my expectations of what I wanted to get done, so I can get busy on the rest! And only get done that which is absolutely necessary and cannot be rescheduled. I'm feeling the stress already.
Is it too early for a nap???
Happy Saturday!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Okay? Not okay? Huh???
Every so often our schedules get so hectic, I feel like we are all existing together just so we can hurry up and finish our tasks. It's exhausting.
The girls have their school, homework, girlscouts, dance and if they have time (not usually) friends.
Chris has his music, which requires him to practice at home and outside at other locations. And works. There are days I drop off the kids and he has to pick them up. We are literally passing in the night sometimes.
I have photography, Weight Watchers, and the OC taxi company that caters specifically to my girls and their needs.
We do our best to get by, but our schedules are so hectic, it's hard to breathe. I'm sure many of you can relate.
When you have a schedule like this, it's bound to happen that your relationships adjust accordingly. It's very important to make efforts where you can, but we all can only work within our capabilities and that which sanity dictates.
So, yesterday, while getting ready, I was hit between the eyes (once again), but Chris telling me that he feels like we don't have a relationship!!!
You could have heard a pin drop. To me, alarm bells went off and my mind started scrambling for how much we've actually seen each other in the last few...umm....well....months???
Now there is two ways to handle this. First, to dismiss, "Well, what do you expect. We are so busy....we'll be fine!"
Or....to acknowledge and fix.
They say when you start a family, remember that the parents came first! This is a hard concept to grasp; especially when you are staring at the innocent, and dependent face of your child.
But like the say in the airplanes. Put your OWN mask on first. Because if you pass out while the plane is losing pressure, you are no good to anyone.
We seem to think, as adults, that we can all take care of ourselves, and as parents that helps us dismiss our spouses, while trying to accommodate the kids. But what happens, is over time, the wedge gets bigger and bigger, and pretty soon, you look at your spouse like, "who are you?"
.
Relationships are like gardens. In order to maintain them, you have to water and feed them. And when things get ugly, you gotta start pulling out the weeds. It's just like everything else.
But some people forget to tend to their spouses thinking everything will be fine, or rather, "I'll get back to you later" and later never comes. It's a common mistake. But in my opinion, it is also the beginning of the end.
In order to understand another, you need to communicate and discuss things and stay on top of it. This is work. And lots of it. As people we have many areas to our lives. But as parents, we tend to discuss the kids, and forget the rest.
I do not want to be one of those people who has to fight to get my relationship back after years of neglecting my spouse. I was very thankful when Chris said something to me, because it set me on a new course. It made me stop and realize that it's been a long time since we had a conversation while actually looking at each other. This should not be taken for granted.
I have a pretty full plate, and I'm pretty tired a lot of the time. But my plate is currently off balance and I need to knock something off that doesn't need to be there.
I chose to acknowledge and fix this situation. In the last 15 + years of being with Chris, we have developed a better mode of communication. It's gone from lashing out, to actually discussing. But it wasn't a quick trip.
Do your best to make sure you acknowledge what people say. We need to be validated. We all do. So, take today, take a moment, really look at someone you love and validate what they are to you!!! You'll be glad you did.
Happy Friday
The girls have their school, homework, girlscouts, dance and if they have time (not usually) friends.
Chris has his music, which requires him to practice at home and outside at other locations. And works. There are days I drop off the kids and he has to pick them up. We are literally passing in the night sometimes.
I have photography, Weight Watchers, and the OC taxi company that caters specifically to my girls and their needs.
We do our best to get by, but our schedules are so hectic, it's hard to breathe. I'm sure many of you can relate.
When you have a schedule like this, it's bound to happen that your relationships adjust accordingly. It's very important to make efforts where you can, but we all can only work within our capabilities and that which sanity dictates.
So, yesterday, while getting ready, I was hit between the eyes (once again), but Chris telling me that he feels like we don't have a relationship!!!
You could have heard a pin drop. To me, alarm bells went off and my mind started scrambling for how much we've actually seen each other in the last few...umm....well....months???
Now there is two ways to handle this. First, to dismiss, "Well, what do you expect. We are so busy....we'll be fine!"
Or....to acknowledge and fix.
They say when you start a family, remember that the parents came first! This is a hard concept to grasp; especially when you are staring at the innocent, and dependent face of your child.
But like the say in the airplanes. Put your OWN mask on first. Because if you pass out while the plane is losing pressure, you are no good to anyone.
We seem to think, as adults, that we can all take care of ourselves, and as parents that helps us dismiss our spouses, while trying to accommodate the kids. But what happens, is over time, the wedge gets bigger and bigger, and pretty soon, you look at your spouse like, "who are you?"
.
Relationships are like gardens. In order to maintain them, you have to water and feed them. And when things get ugly, you gotta start pulling out the weeds. It's just like everything else.
But some people forget to tend to their spouses thinking everything will be fine, or rather, "I'll get back to you later" and later never comes. It's a common mistake. But in my opinion, it is also the beginning of the end.
In order to understand another, you need to communicate and discuss things and stay on top of it. This is work. And lots of it. As people we have many areas to our lives. But as parents, we tend to discuss the kids, and forget the rest.
I do not want to be one of those people who has to fight to get my relationship back after years of neglecting my spouse. I was very thankful when Chris said something to me, because it set me on a new course. It made me stop and realize that it's been a long time since we had a conversation while actually looking at each other. This should not be taken for granted.
I have a pretty full plate, and I'm pretty tired a lot of the time. But my plate is currently off balance and I need to knock something off that doesn't need to be there.
I chose to acknowledge and fix this situation. In the last 15 + years of being with Chris, we have developed a better mode of communication. It's gone from lashing out, to actually discussing. But it wasn't a quick trip.
Do your best to make sure you acknowledge what people say. We need to be validated. We all do. So, take today, take a moment, really look at someone you love and validate what they are to you!!! You'll be glad you did.
Happy Friday
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Variety is the spice of life
This week, we are talking about adding variety into our lives to keep from getting bored.
I'd like to think I have tons of variety in my life, but just like most people in the world, I too, am a rat in a maze.
By nature we go towards what we know. We are creatures of habit. We strive to be automated. It seems that it is easier to deal with, than actually "thinking". And as a result, we just end up doing the same thing over and over and over again. But to what end?
As I talk to people this week; their answers are the same: It's safe, predictable...yadda yadda.....but in the end, boredom is what happens. Also known as a 'Rut'.
We all get there at some point in life. We do the same things, buy the same groceries, drive the same ways to and from work, and we don't branch out.
This week, I'm encouraging people to try something new and mix it up a bit.
I, for one, do not like to be boring and predictable (and for the most part, I'd like to say I am not).
But this week, try something different. Get out of the box and do something that no one expects of you. Send a random note to a friend....SNAIL MAIL!!! It is so fun to actually put something in the mail, that doesn't have a check in it! Try it!
As for dinner...try a new recipe. If you are a bad cook, make sure you have a picture to strive for (I highly encourage this). Did you know you can make crispy chicken with CORN FLAKES????
We have so many opportunities in life, yet we strive to be automated. Today....un-automate, use your brain in a creative new way, and have some fun!
Happy Thursday!
I'd like to think I have tons of variety in my life, but just like most people in the world, I too, am a rat in a maze.
By nature we go towards what we know. We are creatures of habit. We strive to be automated. It seems that it is easier to deal with, than actually "thinking". And as a result, we just end up doing the same thing over and over and over again. But to what end?
As I talk to people this week; their answers are the same: It's safe, predictable...yadda yadda.....but in the end, boredom is what happens. Also known as a 'Rut'.
We all get there at some point in life. We do the same things, buy the same groceries, drive the same ways to and from work, and we don't branch out.
This week, I'm encouraging people to try something new and mix it up a bit.
I, for one, do not like to be boring and predictable (and for the most part, I'd like to say I am not).
But this week, try something different. Get out of the box and do something that no one expects of you. Send a random note to a friend....SNAIL MAIL!!! It is so fun to actually put something in the mail, that doesn't have a check in it! Try it!
As for dinner...try a new recipe. If you are a bad cook, make sure you have a picture to strive for (I highly encourage this). Did you know you can make crispy chicken with CORN FLAKES????
We have so many opportunities in life, yet we strive to be automated. Today....un-automate, use your brain in a creative new way, and have some fun!
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Happy morning
Mornings are the most beautiful and precious time of day. For as long as I could remember, I appreciate them the most. However, I enjoy them most when I am sleeping through them.
But you can't deny the innocence of the morning. It's like tha slate has been wiped clean from the day before, and freshness of the morning air signals a new beginning.
The light is best in the morning too. As the sun rises in the east, you ge t a different perspective of sunrise vs. Sunset. If you are up early enough to witness it, the colors are different, richer somehow, though not in color. And the air is fresh and crisp, which I love.
I learned to appreciate the mornings when I was a kid. When I was 11 years old I had a paper route and had to deliver papers every morning. I started with the Herald Examiner. I had 7 customers around villa partk. I had to deliver 7 days a week. People were waiting for their papers. Why my parents ever let me take on this job is beyond me; but back in the late 70's, people were different.
My dad probably though it was good character to have a job, and he was probably proud of me. I don't remember. I just remember wanting to earn money. Back then, I used to have to go door to door to collect it.
In junior high, I moved up to the Register with a whopping 55 customers. I was there every day delivering papers. It was a good lesson in responsibility. If someone didn't get their paper, I would get a call and have to go out and re-deliver.
As a kid in the late 70's and early 80's, that was a lot of responsibility. You hardly see kids nowadays at that age, with those kind of responsibilities. We hardly let kids out of the house to play. We are in a different/paranoid society. It is a whole different world, and for that I am sad.
My kids will never get to experience the freedoms we had. I walked myself to school from kindergarten all the way to graduation. (okay, I drove in high school, but still.)
It was nice to leave the house and not come home until the street lights came on. ( well, we didn't have street lights in Villa Park, but we knew when to come home.)
It is a different world indeed.
So, what does this have to do with anything? I don't quite know. It is pretty early for me, and I am not a morning person, but I do love mornings.
I am up early because I have to sub for a leader (and meet a whole bunch of people who I'll not be happy that I am there, so I anticipate a long day of song and dance.) I would much rather be in bed, sleeping, enjoying my day in my dreams. But, I have responsibilities, and I have to go get ready.
The mornings always give me a moment to pause before my day, and be thankful for what I have. For that I am definitely a morning person. No one else is awake, and my quiet time let's me collect myself before I step out and get pummeled by the day.
So, though I am not a morning person, I am no fool either. I take advantage whe I can.
I hope your day is a great one.
But you can't deny the innocence of the morning. It's like tha slate has been wiped clean from the day before, and freshness of the morning air signals a new beginning.
The light is best in the morning too. As the sun rises in the east, you ge t a different perspective of sunrise vs. Sunset. If you are up early enough to witness it, the colors are different, richer somehow, though not in color. And the air is fresh and crisp, which I love.
I learned to appreciate the mornings when I was a kid. When I was 11 years old I had a paper route and had to deliver papers every morning. I started with the Herald Examiner. I had 7 customers around villa partk. I had to deliver 7 days a week. People were waiting for their papers. Why my parents ever let me take on this job is beyond me; but back in the late 70's, people were different.
My dad probably though it was good character to have a job, and he was probably proud of me. I don't remember. I just remember wanting to earn money. Back then, I used to have to go door to door to collect it.
In junior high, I moved up to the Register with a whopping 55 customers. I was there every day delivering papers. It was a good lesson in responsibility. If someone didn't get their paper, I would get a call and have to go out and re-deliver.
As a kid in the late 70's and early 80's, that was a lot of responsibility. You hardly see kids nowadays at that age, with those kind of responsibilities. We hardly let kids out of the house to play. We are in a different/paranoid society. It is a whole different world, and for that I am sad.
My kids will never get to experience the freedoms we had. I walked myself to school from kindergarten all the way to graduation. (okay, I drove in high school, but still.)
It was nice to leave the house and not come home until the street lights came on. ( well, we didn't have street lights in Villa Park, but we knew when to come home.)
It is a different world indeed.
So, what does this have to do with anything? I don't quite know. It is pretty early for me, and I am not a morning person, but I do love mornings.
I am up early because I have to sub for a leader (and meet a whole bunch of people who I'll not be happy that I am there, so I anticipate a long day of song and dance.) I would much rather be in bed, sleeping, enjoying my day in my dreams. But, I have responsibilities, and I have to go get ready.
The mornings always give me a moment to pause before my day, and be thankful for what I have. For that I am definitely a morning person. No one else is awake, and my quiet time let's me collect myself before I step out and get pummeled by the day.
So, though I am not a morning person, I am no fool either. I take advantage whe I can.
I hope your day is a great one.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
String cheese saves the day!
So, yesterday we came home, from what I would call a great day. We were all so happy and relaxed that we were actually having fun together. It was what we all needed after our unscheduled weekend of continuing sadnesses.
At 5:30, I took Avery to dance and then hurried with Aspen to Nordstroms (a place I never shop) for a few items I could wear for work. Found fabulous stuff there....why don't I shop there? Oh, right....Money!! HAHAHA.....
Anyway, picked up Avery from dance, ran to Target (pronounced Tar-jay) and picked up the school items we needed and got home. I looked at the clock and realized it's 30 minutes to bedtime and I haven't even made dinner yet. Where did the day go???
I look in the fridge and, you guessed it....NUTHIN! (intentionally spelled wrong). This is actually good news, as I told my husband we need to start clearing out the food in the fridge and quit buying stuff for a while as we keep throwing away good stuff that went bad! (am I the only one???)
Anyway, I am so thankful for Trader Joes (no this is not an advertisement). In my freezer, I had cooked grilled chicken, pasta noodles (yes, the freezer) and marinara sauce. Perfect. I'll sprinkle it with cheese and bake it and I'm sure it will be fine.
Now, as a mom, you have to hide your cooking from your kids sometimes so they won't put their two cents in and complain about what they are being served. I try to do this when I am making something I'm not sure they will love, and when my kids come in and ask "What are we having for dinner", I smile and tell them that we are having my specialty called "Shut up and Eat it", and then I hurry them out of the kitchen so they don't see my concoction. (I hate when they complain while I'm doing the best I can.)
So, when Avery came downstairs and saw what I was making, before I had a chance to scoot her out, I was shocked at what she said. "Wow, that looks delicious!" Aside from the fact that I didn't know she knew that word, I had to laugh, because as she walked in, I was taking the only cheese I could find (string cheese) and cutting it onto the top of my pasta.
They constantly surprise me, these kids! You can never anticipate their reaction.
I was delighted to hear that and I told her it was music to my ears and kissed her with a wet sloppy kiss.
After cutting up three and a half string cheeses (would have been 4 minus little hands), I baked my pasta and served it to a delighted crowd. I couldn't help but feel a little shocked, because no one complained and they even asked for seconds.
It is so hard to not anticipate things. When you are in it every day, you almost depend on it. But I'm reminded constantly that we should throw caution to the wind sometimes and try new things. Get out of the box and have fun. We are such creatures of habit and we strive to be automatic that it literally gets in our way of being creative.
So, now that I have added a new dish to our family menu, I will be thinking of other ways to have fun and get out of the mommy rut with my kids.
It's possible that our day out had everything to do with their pleased palettes. I don't know. But I felt a sense of relief when at the end of the day, I feel like I effortlessly hit the mark....at least once!!!
Happy Tuesday!
At 5:30, I took Avery to dance and then hurried with Aspen to Nordstroms (a place I never shop) for a few items I could wear for work. Found fabulous stuff there....why don't I shop there? Oh, right....Money!! HAHAHA.....
Anyway, picked up Avery from dance, ran to Target (pronounced Tar-jay) and picked up the school items we needed and got home. I looked at the clock and realized it's 30 minutes to bedtime and I haven't even made dinner yet. Where did the day go???
I look in the fridge and, you guessed it....NUTHIN! (intentionally spelled wrong). This is actually good news, as I told my husband we need to start clearing out the food in the fridge and quit buying stuff for a while as we keep throwing away good stuff that went bad! (am I the only one???)
Anyway, I am so thankful for Trader Joes (no this is not an advertisement). In my freezer, I had cooked grilled chicken, pasta noodles (yes, the freezer) and marinara sauce. Perfect. I'll sprinkle it with cheese and bake it and I'm sure it will be fine.
Now, as a mom, you have to hide your cooking from your kids sometimes so they won't put their two cents in and complain about what they are being served. I try to do this when I am making something I'm not sure they will love, and when my kids come in and ask "What are we having for dinner", I smile and tell them that we are having my specialty called "Shut up and Eat it", and then I hurry them out of the kitchen so they don't see my concoction. (I hate when they complain while I'm doing the best I can.)
So, when Avery came downstairs and saw what I was making, before I had a chance to scoot her out, I was shocked at what she said. "Wow, that looks delicious!" Aside from the fact that I didn't know she knew that word, I had to laugh, because as she walked in, I was taking the only cheese I could find (string cheese) and cutting it onto the top of my pasta.
They constantly surprise me, these kids! You can never anticipate their reaction.
I was delighted to hear that and I told her it was music to my ears and kissed her with a wet sloppy kiss.
After cutting up three and a half string cheeses (would have been 4 minus little hands), I baked my pasta and served it to a delighted crowd. I couldn't help but feel a little shocked, because no one complained and they even asked for seconds.
It is so hard to not anticipate things. When you are in it every day, you almost depend on it. But I'm reminded constantly that we should throw caution to the wind sometimes and try new things. Get out of the box and have fun. We are such creatures of habit and we strive to be automatic that it literally gets in our way of being creative.
So, now that I have added a new dish to our family menu, I will be thinking of other ways to have fun and get out of the mommy rut with my kids.
It's possible that our day out had everything to do with their pleased palettes. I don't know. But I felt a sense of relief when at the end of the day, I feel like I effortlessly hit the mark....at least once!!!
Happy Tuesday!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Go with your gut
It was a crazy weekend for sure. Friends dad in the hospital, Mystery 24 hour illness, and Easter. It's no wonder I feel like I didn't have a weekend to myself.
So, this morning, when I went to wake my kids; and one of them cried that she didn't want to get up, that she was tired, I quietly backed out of the room and started making alternate plans.
I think everyone should have a hookie day. And when your child whines at you....and you don't even think to fight back....I say that is the day you choose.
We are in a world where everyone is overscheduled and running around like crazy rats in a maze. Sometimes I feel like I can't even catch my breath. Days where we have nothing going on are few and far between. And though, we feel it is for the greater good of our children, to help them grow....sometimes it works in reverse, for everyone!
Parents get burned out, kids stop appreciating their sport, tempers get short and start flaring, and pretty soon, you can't stand the sight of each other, because you are too busy to appreciate each other.
It happens to all of us. Burn out. And as far as I can tell, nobody operates well in the face of burn out.
So, today we will blow off a little bit of steam.
I'm already the most favored in the house this morning, as I have dangled Disneyland over their heads IF....they do a quick pick up of their room. (see where I'm going with this).
The girls are in a good mood and skipping about their room, so they can get to the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as possible.
It's already working.
So, if you have a day that you just can't bear to face, and you have the luxury of just one day.....I say go with your gut. We all deserve to take a day to nurture our souls and bring us back to level playing grounds!
Happy Monday!
So, this morning, when I went to wake my kids; and one of them cried that she didn't want to get up, that she was tired, I quietly backed out of the room and started making alternate plans.
I think everyone should have a hookie day. And when your child whines at you....and you don't even think to fight back....I say that is the day you choose.
We are in a world where everyone is overscheduled and running around like crazy rats in a maze. Sometimes I feel like I can't even catch my breath. Days where we have nothing going on are few and far between. And though, we feel it is for the greater good of our children, to help them grow....sometimes it works in reverse, for everyone!
Parents get burned out, kids stop appreciating their sport, tempers get short and start flaring, and pretty soon, you can't stand the sight of each other, because you are too busy to appreciate each other.
It happens to all of us. Burn out. And as far as I can tell, nobody operates well in the face of burn out.
So, today we will blow off a little bit of steam.
I'm already the most favored in the house this morning, as I have dangled Disneyland over their heads IF....they do a quick pick up of their room. (see where I'm going with this).
The girls are in a good mood and skipping about their room, so they can get to the Happiest Place on Earth as soon as possible.
It's already working.
So, if you have a day that you just can't bear to face, and you have the luxury of just one day.....I say go with your gut. We all deserve to take a day to nurture our souls and bring us back to level playing grounds!
Happy Monday!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Life goes on.
Happy Easter!
For the last 17 hours I have been in bed. It is 11:30 and I am just now getting coffee.
Yesterday after visiting my friend and her dad (who is showing signs of improvement) I starting feeling that 'skin hurt' feeling. Alarm bells went off in my brain. I couldn't get home fast enough to jump into the shower and climb into my pjs.
See, I have this M.O. (modus operandi) that I go through when I start getting sick and it includes sweating out whatever is going on, and drinking as many fluids as I can.
This happens every so often, and I am not sure if it means I am run down and need rest, or that I really beat the flu. But if I get to the shower fast enough and make the water hot enough, it raises my body temp. And I sweat the rest out in bed with about 3 layers of clothes.
So needless to say, I changed my clothes in the middle of the night and woke up feeling at least human today.
I get paranoid any time I am sick, because I feel like the world will come to an end until I can function again. Interestingly enough things were just fine. Nobody died and here I sit, in bed, on Easter, typing on my IPad while the girls and daddy are downstairs, watching a movie.
It makes me realize that though we are important, life will go on if we remove ourselves sometimes.
Being stuck in bed is a mixed blessing of, well.....being stuck, and having quiet time. Forced quiet time....but quiet time. My family cared for me for a change. And though it isn't the way I would have staged it, I am thankful for it. I feel loved.
May you have a blessed Easter Sunday, filled with love.
For the last 17 hours I have been in bed. It is 11:30 and I am just now getting coffee.
Yesterday after visiting my friend and her dad (who is showing signs of improvement) I starting feeling that 'skin hurt' feeling. Alarm bells went off in my brain. I couldn't get home fast enough to jump into the shower and climb into my pjs.
See, I have this M.O. (modus operandi) that I go through when I start getting sick and it includes sweating out whatever is going on, and drinking as many fluids as I can.
This happens every so often, and I am not sure if it means I am run down and need rest, or that I really beat the flu. But if I get to the shower fast enough and make the water hot enough, it raises my body temp. And I sweat the rest out in bed with about 3 layers of clothes.
So needless to say, I changed my clothes in the middle of the night and woke up feeling at least human today.
I get paranoid any time I am sick, because I feel like the world will come to an end until I can function again. Interestingly enough things were just fine. Nobody died and here I sit, in bed, on Easter, typing on my IPad while the girls and daddy are downstairs, watching a movie.
It makes me realize that though we are important, life will go on if we remove ourselves sometimes.
Being stuck in bed is a mixed blessing of, well.....being stuck, and having quiet time. Forced quiet time....but quiet time. My family cared for me for a change. And though it isn't the way I would have staged it, I am thankful for it. I feel loved.
May you have a blessed Easter Sunday, filled with love.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
An Authority You Don't Want to Be!!!
I try to teach my kids to have a good friend you have to be a good friend.
I find in recent years, I look back a lot, at my life, friendships and events that were significant. One of which was the passing of my father. He had pancreatic cancer, which, by the time you are diagnosed; you'd best be settling your affairs. Only at that time, I was in denial, and very hopeful that this strong man would pull out of it. Alas, he did not.
It was December 13 when he was finally diagnosed, and February 2nd when he passed. It was a long few months; the most emotional of my life. I was pregnant with my first child. Hopeful that my dad would get to meet her before he passed, but again, my hopes were dashed.
I feel lucky that I was 31. I had him for 31 years. I got to become an adult, and he got to witness who I was. I am very much my father, and very proud of it.
In that time of need, I was surrounded by much comfort. I realize, mostly in hindsight, that it was those around me who carried me forward.
If you think you can get through this life on your own, well, good luck to you. I, personally choose to lean and be leaned upon by those around me. It's a much funner ride when you have someone to share it with.
Yesterday, I was notified that a very dear and old friend of mine's father was in the ICU at a local hospital. This is someone I have known since I was 14 years old. We've been to each others weddings, she was at the birth (in the room) with my first child; she is an aunty to my children and she is not by blood, but by choice, my sister.
I was thankful to get the notification from her family (before she could get ahold of me) regarding her father. I feel part of the family, and this man is very dear to my heart. I can be me, 100% in his presence, and when I am around him, I can expect to laugh.
I was at the hospital as soon as I could be. To support the family, to see him, to touch him, to pray for him.
I feel graced in his presence. To be a part of his life.
As we sat in the waiting room.....well....waiting; I enjoyed watching those around me come together for the sake of one. This...is a testament of one's life. This is richness. This is the culmination of many years of friendship, family...of love.
I have said it before, I am a witness and a student of life. This is the best and worst of times.
My friend felt comfort knowing I had gone through this before and could relate on a level that not many could. Not that I am an authority, but until you have gone through it; you really don't know. The only thing I am an authority on, is how I felt, while going through it. And for some, that is enough of a comfort.
And without hesitation, I will be there for my friend. He is a dad to me too.
One thing I am thankful for in my past experience, when I saw him in his hospital bed, I did not hesitate to touch and talk to him, even though he couldn't respond. Because I know he can hear me. Had I not experienced this before, I might be more timid. At times like this, timid doesn't help anyone.
I heard news this morning that there are some positive signs. He is responding to voices. He is squeezing hands. This is great news. But, as I have been down this road before, I will hold back from doing the happy dance until more positive news comes forward.
In the meantime, I will bring my baked goods (as if there was any doubt) and deliver them with my prayers and my hugs, to the family, my family, who waits for good news.
I find in recent years, I look back a lot, at my life, friendships and events that were significant. One of which was the passing of my father. He had pancreatic cancer, which, by the time you are diagnosed; you'd best be settling your affairs. Only at that time, I was in denial, and very hopeful that this strong man would pull out of it. Alas, he did not.
It was December 13 when he was finally diagnosed, and February 2nd when he passed. It was a long few months; the most emotional of my life. I was pregnant with my first child. Hopeful that my dad would get to meet her before he passed, but again, my hopes were dashed.
I feel lucky that I was 31. I had him for 31 years. I got to become an adult, and he got to witness who I was. I am very much my father, and very proud of it.
In that time of need, I was surrounded by much comfort. I realize, mostly in hindsight, that it was those around me who carried me forward.
If you think you can get through this life on your own, well, good luck to you. I, personally choose to lean and be leaned upon by those around me. It's a much funner ride when you have someone to share it with.
Yesterday, I was notified that a very dear and old friend of mine's father was in the ICU at a local hospital. This is someone I have known since I was 14 years old. We've been to each others weddings, she was at the birth (in the room) with my first child; she is an aunty to my children and she is not by blood, but by choice, my sister.
I was thankful to get the notification from her family (before she could get ahold of me) regarding her father. I feel part of the family, and this man is very dear to my heart. I can be me, 100% in his presence, and when I am around him, I can expect to laugh.
I was at the hospital as soon as I could be. To support the family, to see him, to touch him, to pray for him.
I feel graced in his presence. To be a part of his life.
As we sat in the waiting room.....well....waiting; I enjoyed watching those around me come together for the sake of one. This...is a testament of one's life. This is richness. This is the culmination of many years of friendship, family...of love.
I have said it before, I am a witness and a student of life. This is the best and worst of times.
My friend felt comfort knowing I had gone through this before and could relate on a level that not many could. Not that I am an authority, but until you have gone through it; you really don't know. The only thing I am an authority on, is how I felt, while going through it. And for some, that is enough of a comfort.
And without hesitation, I will be there for my friend. He is a dad to me too.
One thing I am thankful for in my past experience, when I saw him in his hospital bed, I did not hesitate to touch and talk to him, even though he couldn't respond. Because I know he can hear me. Had I not experienced this before, I might be more timid. At times like this, timid doesn't help anyone.
I heard news this morning that there are some positive signs. He is responding to voices. He is squeezing hands. This is great news. But, as I have been down this road before, I will hold back from doing the happy dance until more positive news comes forward.
In the meantime, I will bring my baked goods (as if there was any doubt) and deliver them with my prayers and my hugs, to the family, my family, who waits for good news.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Beware the quiet ones
Yesterday, I picked up my girls from school, and my little one had a sad look upon her cute little face. She informed me right away that she did not get chosen for student council, and then she broke into tears. My heart went out to her, because she went after this position (something I never did), with vigor and hope. I actually thought she had a shot at it, but as with anything, it was a gamble.
As a mom, our job is to comfort.
As we were walking home from school, I did the only thing I thought would bring her immediate comfort, I carried her piggy-back home.
As a mom, my job is to be fair.
I instantly noticed my older daughter's face fall as she witnessed this. I know that look well, I get it from either one, or the other often enough. I hesitated asking what was "wrong" with her, because I already knew the answer.
As a mom my job is to think quick.
I didn't ask. I just rode my little one home on my back and had her talk about the elections, the speeches and how she'd handled her defeat.
When we got home, I dropped my little one off my back, and the floodgates started. I sat on the couch with her in my lap, while my older daughter quietly slipped upstairs. After about 10 minutes of talking my little red head from jumping off the cliff, I felt it timely to go upstairs and Aspen what was up.
When I went into her room, I saw her sitting on her bed, twirling a string through her fingers, with yes...a sad look upon her face. I asked her why she was up here and why so sad.
She told me that two years ago, when she ran for student council, and didn't get it, she was not treated in the same way as I cared for Avery. I told her that her reaction was not as.....ummm....."out there" as Avery's was. I told her I didn't remember her crying. And she said something to me that hit me between the eyes....
She said, "I did cry. I went upstairs and cried in my room." I wanted to die!
As a mom you have to realize that sometimes you totally miss the mark!
As I sat there, holding my sweet little Aspen it occurred to me, that while I comfort Avery, who puts it out there; I have been ignoring Aspen, who suffers quietly.
As a mom you have to fix it.
For many years, I watched Avery, who wears her emotions on her sleeve (like her mother), and I worried about her mental well being. She is delicate and fragile. I fear that she will have my anxieties and I have spent endless hours worrying about how to deal with her tantrums, hoping to direct her to a better path than I led.
In the meantime, my sweet little Aspen, who seems so self confident and self assured, has watched and turned her pain inward, suffering in silence, not letting me in as much as I thought, to her pain.
And the same is true in life. When you take someone at face value, you think you are taking them in truth. But the fact is, we are all like onions ('scuse the cliche term), with so many layers. None of us are as we seem. There are always many facets to who we are.
I held Aspen yesterday and apologized for not seeing and acknowledging her pain 2 years ago. I explained to her that we as parents respond to what we "see" and as she went into her room to cry silently, I didn't see how to comfort her. I explained the difference in reaction between her and her sister, and why we respond differently based on their issues. And I told her I would be watching her more closely from now on. She smiled slightly at my remark. I think she got it.
I am reminded to look beneath the surface of people. I can't take the time to peel back every layer. But if you look into someones eyes when you are talking to them, the truth is there. It's a quiet science that is true; and one that I have been working on for years. I love to watch peoples reactions when they talk about something they love. Sometimes it oozes from their skin. And when someone is in pain, you can see them almost pull back as if they have been burned by fire. It's all there in front of you if you watch closely enough. And when it is your children; you must watch closely enough!
As a mom, you learn from your children.
Yesterday when I left Aspen I told her, "You have to realize that parents are not perfect; but we can be trained!"
As a mom, our job is to comfort.
As we were walking home from school, I did the only thing I thought would bring her immediate comfort, I carried her piggy-back home.
As a mom, my job is to be fair.
I instantly noticed my older daughter's face fall as she witnessed this. I know that look well, I get it from either one, or the other often enough. I hesitated asking what was "wrong" with her, because I already knew the answer.
As a mom my job is to think quick.
I didn't ask. I just rode my little one home on my back and had her talk about the elections, the speeches and how she'd handled her defeat.
When we got home, I dropped my little one off my back, and the floodgates started. I sat on the couch with her in my lap, while my older daughter quietly slipped upstairs. After about 10 minutes of talking my little red head from jumping off the cliff, I felt it timely to go upstairs and Aspen what was up.
When I went into her room, I saw her sitting on her bed, twirling a string through her fingers, with yes...a sad look upon her face. I asked her why she was up here and why so sad.
She told me that two years ago, when she ran for student council, and didn't get it, she was not treated in the same way as I cared for Avery. I told her that her reaction was not as.....ummm....."out there" as Avery's was. I told her I didn't remember her crying. And she said something to me that hit me between the eyes....
She said, "I did cry. I went upstairs and cried in my room." I wanted to die!
As a mom you have to realize that sometimes you totally miss the mark!
As I sat there, holding my sweet little Aspen it occurred to me, that while I comfort Avery, who puts it out there; I have been ignoring Aspen, who suffers quietly.
As a mom you have to fix it.
For many years, I watched Avery, who wears her emotions on her sleeve (like her mother), and I worried about her mental well being. She is delicate and fragile. I fear that she will have my anxieties and I have spent endless hours worrying about how to deal with her tantrums, hoping to direct her to a better path than I led.
In the meantime, my sweet little Aspen, who seems so self confident and self assured, has watched and turned her pain inward, suffering in silence, not letting me in as much as I thought, to her pain.
And the same is true in life. When you take someone at face value, you think you are taking them in truth. But the fact is, we are all like onions ('scuse the cliche term), with so many layers. None of us are as we seem. There are always many facets to who we are.
I held Aspen yesterday and apologized for not seeing and acknowledging her pain 2 years ago. I explained to her that we as parents respond to what we "see" and as she went into her room to cry silently, I didn't see how to comfort her. I explained the difference in reaction between her and her sister, and why we respond differently based on their issues. And I told her I would be watching her more closely from now on. She smiled slightly at my remark. I think she got it.
I am reminded to look beneath the surface of people. I can't take the time to peel back every layer. But if you look into someones eyes when you are talking to them, the truth is there. It's a quiet science that is true; and one that I have been working on for years. I love to watch peoples reactions when they talk about something they love. Sometimes it oozes from their skin. And when someone is in pain, you can see them almost pull back as if they have been burned by fire. It's all there in front of you if you watch closely enough. And when it is your children; you must watch closely enough!
As a mom, you learn from your children.
Yesterday when I left Aspen I told her, "You have to realize that parents are not perfect; but we can be trained!"
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Realizing our limitations
I realized something yesterday. I realized that spreading myself thin does no-body any good!
I was walking with my Girl Scout troop and I realized that these girls have probably had about 10% of the fun/experience that the 'could' have. I see other troops and I'm blown away by how much they do over us.
To back up; I have a very small troop. When I took it over, there were 8 girls, and we are now down to 5. We (my co-leader and I) made a conscious decision to keep the troop small, and to be honest, I think that was a mistake. But, I digress. Our girls have been together since kindergarten. Same girls. Some moved away, some moved on. But the rest have been together and I didn't want to let that go, so I signed on when the old leaders stepped down.
My hopes and aspirations for this troop have, well....fallen short. On SO MANY LEVELS!!! First of all, as I have never been a Girl Scout, I had no idea what a Bronze award was, or how to go about it. Or, that we needed so many badges to qualify for the Bronze award and that we need to do six out of ten items to get one badge. Are you lost yet? Well, how do you think I felt!?!?!
I really hoped that our girls would thrive under my direction. I really did......
Then there is reality.......
*ughhhh*
I took a good look at my life and all the decisions I make and how I fall short on so many things, because my intentions are good. Am I alone in this?
My heart is in the right place, but my execution falls short. A LOT. It's like I bought a game, but don't have all the pieces to play it. So, I move around the board, hoping to get to the finish line, but someone didn't include that in the game. (you getting my drift?)
I had to take a serious look at myself yesterday and ask some hard questions:
Is there anything I can do to change my current situation? What is really holding me back?
Do I have enough time to do this?
Am I misusing my time in the day and that is why I'm not getting everything done?
Am I not asking for help, where help would be useful?
Is it time for me to step down?
Honestly, no matter how I answer those questions, my heart is keeping me as a leader. And as I am an emotional person, my heart will win. This is my child I'm talking about here. Not just a troop.
However, I see that it is not just the troop that is lacking. Other areas of my life are falling short due to lack of something....yet I can't take them off the list. I have to work, but I don't have enough time to read all the emails that come from work.
I have to do photography, but I don't have enough time to learn all the new programs.
I have to deal with my kids, because there is no one else to take them from here to there and back again, and feed and clothe them.
But with every commitment I make somewhere in my life....somewhere else has to suffer the consequences. And when something falls short, I beat myself up over it. Suffice it to say, I walk around a pretty bruised and tired individual.
So, yes...the troop is working at about 40% capacity. But none of the girls have died from my lack of direction; and they still show up for meetings, and they still listen to what I have to say. So, I will keep going for now. However, I will start delegating some of the responsibilities that I cannot do as well as I would like.
I truly believe that we have to take a step back and look at our situation with fresh eyes. Or even, through the eyes of others to get a clearer perspective on what is working and what can change. As the moms came over to pick up their kids, I saw my house (and the mess it is) and I got a little uncomfortable about it. But I realized, I sacrificed my cleaning time to spend time with their children, and I hope that is enough for them.
Something's always gotta give if you don't have enough time in the day. Just make sure it's something at the bottom of your list and something that doesn't affect someone else. For me, it's usually the house. I won't be remembered for my excellent cleaning skills, but I'll be remembered for the mom who made brownies from scratch during our meeting and let the girls lick the bowl. Hopefully that is worth 40%.
I was walking with my Girl Scout troop and I realized that these girls have probably had about 10% of the fun/experience that the 'could' have. I see other troops and I'm blown away by how much they do over us.
To back up; I have a very small troop. When I took it over, there were 8 girls, and we are now down to 5. We (my co-leader and I) made a conscious decision to keep the troop small, and to be honest, I think that was a mistake. But, I digress. Our girls have been together since kindergarten. Same girls. Some moved away, some moved on. But the rest have been together and I didn't want to let that go, so I signed on when the old leaders stepped down.
My hopes and aspirations for this troop have, well....fallen short. On SO MANY LEVELS!!! First of all, as I have never been a Girl Scout, I had no idea what a Bronze award was, or how to go about it. Or, that we needed so many badges to qualify for the Bronze award and that we need to do six out of ten items to get one badge. Are you lost yet? Well, how do you think I felt!?!?!
I really hoped that our girls would thrive under my direction. I really did......
Then there is reality.......
*ughhhh*
I took a good look at my life and all the decisions I make and how I fall short on so many things, because my intentions are good. Am I alone in this?
My heart is in the right place, but my execution falls short. A LOT. It's like I bought a game, but don't have all the pieces to play it. So, I move around the board, hoping to get to the finish line, but someone didn't include that in the game. (you getting my drift?)
I had to take a serious look at myself yesterday and ask some hard questions:
Is there anything I can do to change my current situation? What is really holding me back?
Do I have enough time to do this?
Am I misusing my time in the day and that is why I'm not getting everything done?
Am I not asking for help, where help would be useful?
Is it time for me to step down?
Honestly, no matter how I answer those questions, my heart is keeping me as a leader. And as I am an emotional person, my heart will win. This is my child I'm talking about here. Not just a troop.
However, I see that it is not just the troop that is lacking. Other areas of my life are falling short due to lack of something....yet I can't take them off the list. I have to work, but I don't have enough time to read all the emails that come from work.
I have to do photography, but I don't have enough time to learn all the new programs.
I have to deal with my kids, because there is no one else to take them from here to there and back again, and feed and clothe them.
But with every commitment I make somewhere in my life....somewhere else has to suffer the consequences. And when something falls short, I beat myself up over it. Suffice it to say, I walk around a pretty bruised and tired individual.
So, yes...the troop is working at about 40% capacity. But none of the girls have died from my lack of direction; and they still show up for meetings, and they still listen to what I have to say. So, I will keep going for now. However, I will start delegating some of the responsibilities that I cannot do as well as I would like.
I truly believe that we have to take a step back and look at our situation with fresh eyes. Or even, through the eyes of others to get a clearer perspective on what is working and what can change. As the moms came over to pick up their kids, I saw my house (and the mess it is) and I got a little uncomfortable about it. But I realized, I sacrificed my cleaning time to spend time with their children, and I hope that is enough for them.
Something's always gotta give if you don't have enough time in the day. Just make sure it's something at the bottom of your list and something that doesn't affect someone else. For me, it's usually the house. I won't be remembered for my excellent cleaning skills, but I'll be remembered for the mom who made brownies from scratch during our meeting and let the girls lick the bowl. Hopefully that is worth 40%.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Emotional Vomit
I recently found out that hubby reads my blog. Probably not all of them, but some of them. (shout out, "Hayyyyy). I was surprised to hear it. He's busy and he pretty much knows every thought that flys through my head, usually before I even think it. It's weird. But he's a guy. That happens.
So when he said, to me, "Oh, what you said in your blog....." (it doesn't matter what he says after this, because my brain stopped there. - at the fact that he actually read my blog.)
This is a guy who looks at my stuff and calls it emotional vomit. Now, one might be offended by this, but I take it with a grain of salt. I am the emotional one in the relationship. He's the rock. Very rarely does this ever switch. It's just the way it is. I can't imagine having two of me in the house. (I mean full size....yes Avery is growing but she isn't quite 'me' yet).
There is a lot that swirls around in my head every minute of the day. And just recently, I was told (a few times from different people) that I educate my children well and that I explain things to them regularly. I was relieved and surprised to hear this, because my inside voice is always yelling at them and being mean. But apparently, my outside voice (the one outside my head) is the one that is doing the right thing.
I swear, sometimes it's hard to tell reality from perception in my head. I think things so often, and am constantly fighting and filtering in my head, it's exhausting. I think it is this reason that I tend to get disorganized and forgetful.
I grew up in a family, where watching the boys (and dad) rolling down the hallway in a ball of fists wasn't exactly foreign. So, that aggression is constantly at the back of my skull trying to get out, while my 'inside voice' works really hard to push it down and keep it in its place. Does anyone else ever deal with this? Am I completely alone in the lunacy in my brain? OY VEY!!! I feel like I am fighting what I was raised to be. I'm trying to be a poodle, but I got pitbull blood in me. (hows that visual)?
So, emotional vomit; youbetcha! I got it, I got lots of it and I dare say, I'm proud of it! It's what has enabled me to write what is now my 34th post (wow, really? YES!).
I don't expect my husband to "get" me. Not all the time anyways. I have had a few conversations with him where he thought I was completely devoid of an answer. When I told him what was actually going through my mind while I sat their with my blank stare, I actually overwhelmed him with the thought process it took for me to form an answer for him. He doesn't question my blank stare anymore. He doesn't care how I get my answer, he just wants one!!!
He is quick; I'm evaluative (this took me YEARS to realize). He's black and white; I'm 256million colors. We are different, and we know it. And if he is sitting here reading my emotional vomit....Babe...I love you...and I'm proud of you!!
Peace Out!
So when he said, to me, "Oh, what you said in your blog....." (it doesn't matter what he says after this, because my brain stopped there. - at the fact that he actually read my blog.)
This is a guy who looks at my stuff and calls it emotional vomit. Now, one might be offended by this, but I take it with a grain of salt. I am the emotional one in the relationship. He's the rock. Very rarely does this ever switch. It's just the way it is. I can't imagine having two of me in the house. (I mean full size....yes Avery is growing but she isn't quite 'me' yet).
There is a lot that swirls around in my head every minute of the day. And just recently, I was told (a few times from different people) that I educate my children well and that I explain things to them regularly. I was relieved and surprised to hear this, because my inside voice is always yelling at them and being mean. But apparently, my outside voice (the one outside my head) is the one that is doing the right thing.
I swear, sometimes it's hard to tell reality from perception in my head. I think things so often, and am constantly fighting and filtering in my head, it's exhausting. I think it is this reason that I tend to get disorganized and forgetful.
I grew up in a family, where watching the boys (and dad) rolling down the hallway in a ball of fists wasn't exactly foreign. So, that aggression is constantly at the back of my skull trying to get out, while my 'inside voice' works really hard to push it down and keep it in its place. Does anyone else ever deal with this? Am I completely alone in the lunacy in my brain? OY VEY!!! I feel like I am fighting what I was raised to be. I'm trying to be a poodle, but I got pitbull blood in me. (hows that visual)?
So, emotional vomit; youbetcha! I got it, I got lots of it and I dare say, I'm proud of it! It's what has enabled me to write what is now my 34th post (wow, really? YES!).
I don't expect my husband to "get" me. Not all the time anyways. I have had a few conversations with him where he thought I was completely devoid of an answer. When I told him what was actually going through my mind while I sat their with my blank stare, I actually overwhelmed him with the thought process it took for me to form an answer for him. He doesn't question my blank stare anymore. He doesn't care how I get my answer, he just wants one!!!
He is quick; I'm evaluative (this took me YEARS to realize). He's black and white; I'm 256million colors. We are different, and we know it. And if he is sitting here reading my emotional vomit....Babe...I love you...and I'm proud of you!!
Peace Out!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Lovely Tuesday
Today is Tuesday; it's the first day of my work week. I find I am the most vulnerable on these days, because I have a lot to think about. I write my meeting notes when I walk in to work, which puts a bit of pressure on me.
I used to write them at home, the night before, but as I forgot to bring flip charts home to actually draft my notes, I just started getting to work earlier and doing it there. It took me a while to realize the pressure of this job. Most of you know I'm a leader at Weight Watchers. It's a great job, where I get to motivate people; but with great power comes great responsibility. It is up to me to motivate someone to change there lives. And sometimes....I just don't feel like it.
Even the motivator needs motivating sometimes. On Tuesdays when I drive into work, I find myself a ball of emotions: What will I say? How can I drive the topic home? Will they know I ate at Carls Jr. for dinner? Do I look fat in this dress? (haha...okay, sometimes, yes!)
Luckily, having gone through it all myself, I can usually come up with something. But there are days when it's more of a struggle to present well. Some meetings go better than others. I can deliver a topic in exactly the same way and have it be the best meeting ever, while bombing for the other meeting. It's bizarre. You are really at the mercy of your audience. So, I do my best to place myself in their shoes.
But, inevitably; the drive in on Tuesday mornings, is a mixed bag of emotions. (Have I told you I am an emotional person?) A little bit of worry, a little dose of motivation (through 'tapes'), a little medititation (as I wrote that, the word MediCATION came out first....a freudian slip, I'm sure).
All I know is I do my best. I do love what I do. And I think that is the most important thing. I cannot control what happens, just what I put into it. And with that, I'm on my way.
Hope your week goes well.
I used to write them at home, the night before, but as I forgot to bring flip charts home to actually draft my notes, I just started getting to work earlier and doing it there. It took me a while to realize the pressure of this job. Most of you know I'm a leader at Weight Watchers. It's a great job, where I get to motivate people; but with great power comes great responsibility. It is up to me to motivate someone to change there lives. And sometimes....I just don't feel like it.
Even the motivator needs motivating sometimes. On Tuesdays when I drive into work, I find myself a ball of emotions: What will I say? How can I drive the topic home? Will they know I ate at Carls Jr. for dinner? Do I look fat in this dress? (haha...okay, sometimes, yes!)
Luckily, having gone through it all myself, I can usually come up with something. But there are days when it's more of a struggle to present well. Some meetings go better than others. I can deliver a topic in exactly the same way and have it be the best meeting ever, while bombing for the other meeting. It's bizarre. You are really at the mercy of your audience. So, I do my best to place myself in their shoes.
But, inevitably; the drive in on Tuesday mornings, is a mixed bag of emotions. (Have I told you I am an emotional person?) A little bit of worry, a little dose of motivation (through 'tapes'), a little medititation (as I wrote that, the word MediCATION came out first....a freudian slip, I'm sure).
All I know is I do my best. I do love what I do. And I think that is the most important thing. I cannot control what happens, just what I put into it. And with that, I'm on my way.
Hope your week goes well.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Misc.
I'm heading in a few different directions today.
First; an update on my "Eating Clean and Raw". For the first two meals of the day, I have complete control! I start out with a mixed fruit oatmeal in the morning, snack on fruit if I am hungry, then salad with chicken for lunch. Dinner is a grab bag, and that is okay. Last night it was chinese food (on a salad plate). In the past few days, I have watched my scale drop 4.2lbs. This is a bit of weight that my body has been holding on to for more than a month; and it feels like it jumped on overnight.
Though I am certain that it is all water weight, I attribute much of the 'weight loss' to drinking ample (and I mean ample) amounts of water. Your body needs this to flush out all that "stuff" it's been holding on to.
As I was running yesterday, it occurred to me how mental this all is. When I first started losing weight, I remember thinking, "Where could this possibly go?" As it took me nearly 2 years (20 months to be exact) to lose my weight, I remember the many ways I wanted to stop myself; feeling like it wasn't possible. And every time the next step happened - the next few pounds was lost - I realized that it was more about me not believing in myself. And the truth is; that is what most everything is about. Whether or not we believe in ourselves.
The only thing that got me to my weight goal was persistence. I had a leader that pushed me and a friend (Michelle) that inspired me to no end. (She still does). It's amazing what a good support system will do for you, if you let it!
I also realized, as I watch life over and over and over again, that what happens to us in our youth, is carried with us to the end. And it is really important that we are honest with ourselves and our belief system.
I was watching the Judds last night (country singers/reality show). It's about a mother/daughter singing duo who are getting ready to tour together for the first time in about 20 years. And there is such a dichotomy between those two. Both strong willed, both broken, both looking for acceptance, but they need it from each other in the face of a wall standing between them. There is SUCH pain going on in that family, the show is almost hard to watch. But the interesting thing about it, they are working really hard to heal their past and move forward.
Naomi (mom), disclosed that she had a secret of sexual abuse from her childhood. Something she never shared before. When we keep secrets, (which we do have a right to), it still affects our lives. Just because it's a secret doesn't mean there isn't a ripple affect in your life. This ripple affect bled down to her children, and will now bleed down to her grandchildren.
We may not tell our innermost secrets, but when we live our lives hiding them, we live in a way that is not honest. We cannot be who we are supposed to be, because we are broken, and live our lives broken. And those around us are affected by that brokenness. You live in history; you live in fear - usually of someone finding "you" out. As a result, you alter your life to keep your secret and those around you, are inadvertently affected. It's so sad.
I know we all have secrets. But some things really need closure. I could go on for days with this. I have had friends lie to me,and it's very hard for me to handle; especially when it is a non-significant lie. In one instance, when the truth came out, I had to piece back together my history with this "new" truth. It's a real pain in the ass!!! (excuse my french). I realized that her displaced anger, which I thought had everything to do with me, in fact, had nothing to do with me, but the secret my friend was hiding. My mother was affect, my kids were affected, and worst of all....our trust was affected.
Be careful the truths you hide. Some are for protection, I get that. But some secrets can have a latent affect on those around you. And really big secrets can bleed down for generations. When you act out of fear; and teach that around you, ...... because of a secret...... you are now having a ripple affect that could have terrible consequences. For Wynonna (daughter of singing duo), her weight has been an issue all her life. One of the lies that she lived for 30 years was that she had the same father as her younger sister. When she found out the truth, it crushed her and made her look back and try to piece back her life. It all made sense to her, because she inherently knew she was different!
As I watch her on TV, I want to jump through the screen and tell her how truly amazing she is no matter what her past! She IS a beatiful, talented and gifted woman, no matter her weight. Yet her pain is holding her back from living today. I feel that both these women, are looking backwards so much, they are not able to live in today and appreciate what they have today!!! They are spending so much time trying to fix their broken past, it is completely absorbing them. Much of this stems from secrets. I can take one quick look at them and realize, honesty is worth it!
Well, I'm preaching now, and it's a far cry from my "Clean Diet" as I started out. But the bottom line is, to be true to you and don't give up on yourself. Belief is everything. If you don't have belief, create a support system that can carry you to a place where you start believing in yourself.
First; an update on my "Eating Clean and Raw". For the first two meals of the day, I have complete control! I start out with a mixed fruit oatmeal in the morning, snack on fruit if I am hungry, then salad with chicken for lunch. Dinner is a grab bag, and that is okay. Last night it was chinese food (on a salad plate). In the past few days, I have watched my scale drop 4.2lbs. This is a bit of weight that my body has been holding on to for more than a month; and it feels like it jumped on overnight.
Though I am certain that it is all water weight, I attribute much of the 'weight loss' to drinking ample (and I mean ample) amounts of water. Your body needs this to flush out all that "stuff" it's been holding on to.
As I was running yesterday, it occurred to me how mental this all is. When I first started losing weight, I remember thinking, "Where could this possibly go?" As it took me nearly 2 years (20 months to be exact) to lose my weight, I remember the many ways I wanted to stop myself; feeling like it wasn't possible. And every time the next step happened - the next few pounds was lost - I realized that it was more about me not believing in myself. And the truth is; that is what most everything is about. Whether or not we believe in ourselves.
The only thing that got me to my weight goal was persistence. I had a leader that pushed me and a friend (Michelle) that inspired me to no end. (She still does). It's amazing what a good support system will do for you, if you let it!
I also realized, as I watch life over and over and over again, that what happens to us in our youth, is carried with us to the end. And it is really important that we are honest with ourselves and our belief system.
I was watching the Judds last night (country singers/reality show). It's about a mother/daughter singing duo who are getting ready to tour together for the first time in about 20 years. And there is such a dichotomy between those two. Both strong willed, both broken, both looking for acceptance, but they need it from each other in the face of a wall standing between them. There is SUCH pain going on in that family, the show is almost hard to watch. But the interesting thing about it, they are working really hard to heal their past and move forward.
Naomi (mom), disclosed that she had a secret of sexual abuse from her childhood. Something she never shared before. When we keep secrets, (which we do have a right to), it still affects our lives. Just because it's a secret doesn't mean there isn't a ripple affect in your life. This ripple affect bled down to her children, and will now bleed down to her grandchildren.
We may not tell our innermost secrets, but when we live our lives hiding them, we live in a way that is not honest. We cannot be who we are supposed to be, because we are broken, and live our lives broken. And those around us are affected by that brokenness. You live in history; you live in fear - usually of someone finding "you" out. As a result, you alter your life to keep your secret and those around you, are inadvertently affected. It's so sad.
I know we all have secrets. But some things really need closure. I could go on for days with this. I have had friends lie to me,and it's very hard for me to handle; especially when it is a non-significant lie. In one instance, when the truth came out, I had to piece back together my history with this "new" truth. It's a real pain in the ass!!! (excuse my french). I realized that her displaced anger, which I thought had everything to do with me, in fact, had nothing to do with me, but the secret my friend was hiding. My mother was affect, my kids were affected, and worst of all....our trust was affected.
Be careful the truths you hide. Some are for protection, I get that. But some secrets can have a latent affect on those around you. And really big secrets can bleed down for generations. When you act out of fear; and teach that around you, ...... because of a secret...... you are now having a ripple affect that could have terrible consequences. For Wynonna (daughter of singing duo), her weight has been an issue all her life. One of the lies that she lived for 30 years was that she had the same father as her younger sister. When she found out the truth, it crushed her and made her look back and try to piece back her life. It all made sense to her, because she inherently knew she was different!
As I watch her on TV, I want to jump through the screen and tell her how truly amazing she is no matter what her past! She IS a beatiful, talented and gifted woman, no matter her weight. Yet her pain is holding her back from living today. I feel that both these women, are looking backwards so much, they are not able to live in today and appreciate what they have today!!! They are spending so much time trying to fix their broken past, it is completely absorbing them. Much of this stems from secrets. I can take one quick look at them and realize, honesty is worth it!
Well, I'm preaching now, and it's a far cry from my "Clean Diet" as I started out. But the bottom line is, to be true to you and don't give up on yourself. Belief is everything. If you don't have belief, create a support system that can carry you to a place where you start believing in yourself.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Foodmatters day 2
Well, that darned documentary sparked something in me. I can't deny that my body has been feeling out of whack for a while. Food doesn't agree with me the way it used to, and I don't have that "well" feeling anymore. I have been complaining about it for months!
After hearing what that (darned) documentary had to say, it really confirmed what I have known all along. We rely far too much on packaged foods.
Yesterday for breakfast, I had a banana and apple blended with flaxseed and almond milk, to an oatmeal consistency. It was good (like babyfood) and kept me satisfied for hours. For lunch, I made a large salad with avocado, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, mixed greens and covered it with an olive oil/apple cider vinagrette. (ACV is supposed to help with your Ph levels and I have been taking it for my reflux. It is good for a multitude of things!)
Dinner was great with a steamed artichoke (not sure how one could eat that raw), and then had some (don't laugh), Hamburger Helper (Stroganoff) per the kids request. As I stated, baby steps is important. I was great most of the day, and then reality set in at night.
But I have to say, all in all, I had improved energy throughout the day, and did not feel that 3pm "dip" like I normally do. Lately I have really been fighting my energy levels, so this was a nice surprise (well, okay, not really a surprise).
During my day of research, I discovered other terms: Clean Eating, Vegan, Raw, Vegetarian, as well as others. (some you have heard before, I'm sure).
So, here's the low down on what I know so far from lightest to most gungho.....
Vegetarian: A person who eats no meat, fish, or poultry
Ovo-lacto vegetarian: A person who eats no meat, fish, or poultry but who does eat eggs and dairy products.
Veganism is a type of vegetarian diet that excludes meat, eggs, dairy products and all other animal-derived ingredients.
Here is what the vegetarian food pyramid looks like:
So, how did I fall from grace with my eating? Good question; life, stress....baking!
Losing weight is easy compared to maintaining it. It's easy to fall from the principles that brought you your success. But the most important thing is to never give up, and to apply what you can, every day.
We don't have to be perfect. I don't even know why we have that word in our dictionary. There IS no perfect! It's all perception. Now, BEST...is a good word. We should ask ourselves; "Did you do YOUR BEST today?" We will answer yes far more than if we use the "P" word.
I did do my best yesterday, and I feel good about it. I debated not having the Hamburger Helper, but I know that it will be a while before I ever see it again, so I went for it. I was confident in my days efforts to take the hit on this one dish. Today, is a new day where I will continue my efforts. Because I do feel better and it is worth it to let my body have the energy it needs to keep me awake and working on my busy schedule. I already went out and stocked my house with fruits and veggies so I can grab them as I need. They are ready to go!
There is so much informatioin out there, it's easy to get overwhelmed! So take this information with a grain of salt. Don't get confused by all the information, simply do what feels right to you! And just give it your best!!!
After hearing what that (darned) documentary had to say, it really confirmed what I have known all along. We rely far too much on packaged foods.
Yesterday for breakfast, I had a banana and apple blended with flaxseed and almond milk, to an oatmeal consistency. It was good (like babyfood) and kept me satisfied for hours. For lunch, I made a large salad with avocado, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, mixed greens and covered it with an olive oil/apple cider vinagrette. (ACV is supposed to help with your Ph levels and I have been taking it for my reflux. It is good for a multitude of things!)
Dinner was great with a steamed artichoke (not sure how one could eat that raw), and then had some (don't laugh), Hamburger Helper (Stroganoff) per the kids request. As I stated, baby steps is important. I was great most of the day, and then reality set in at night.
But I have to say, all in all, I had improved energy throughout the day, and did not feel that 3pm "dip" like I normally do. Lately I have really been fighting my energy levels, so this was a nice surprise (well, okay, not really a surprise).
During my day of research, I discovered other terms: Clean Eating, Vegan, Raw, Vegetarian, as well as others. (some you have heard before, I'm sure).
So, here's the low down on what I know so far from lightest to most gungho.....
Vegetarian: A person who eats no meat, fish, or poultry
Ovo-lacto vegetarian: A person who eats no meat, fish, or poultry but who does eat eggs and dairy products.
Veganism is a type of vegetarian diet that excludes meat, eggs, dairy products and all other animal-derived ingredients.
Here is what the vegetarian food pyramid looks like:
Raw Food:We call food raw if it is:
- Uncooked - never heated above 42 C/118 F degrees.
- Unprocessed - as fresh (or wild) as possible
- Organic - no irradiation, preservatives, pesticides or GMO.
- Lean proteins (chicken or turkey breast, fish, egg whites … )
- Fresh fruits that aren’t high in sugar (berries, grapefruit, bananas, apples, pears … )
- Whole carbs (brown rice, regular [not quick oats] oatmeal, steel cut oats, sweet potatoes … )
- Vegetables (green beans, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, tomatoes, mushrooms … )
- Clean water (just plain water, although I do use a reverse osmosis treatment unit)
- Black tea (nothing added)
- Herbal tea
So, how did I fall from grace with my eating? Good question; life, stress....baking!
Losing weight is easy compared to maintaining it. It's easy to fall from the principles that brought you your success. But the most important thing is to never give up, and to apply what you can, every day.
We don't have to be perfect. I don't even know why we have that word in our dictionary. There IS no perfect! It's all perception. Now, BEST...is a good word. We should ask ourselves; "Did you do YOUR BEST today?" We will answer yes far more than if we use the "P" word.
I did do my best yesterday, and I feel good about it. I debated not having the Hamburger Helper, but I know that it will be a while before I ever see it again, so I went for it. I was confident in my days efforts to take the hit on this one dish. Today, is a new day where I will continue my efforts. Because I do feel better and it is worth it to let my body have the energy it needs to keep me awake and working on my busy schedule. I already went out and stocked my house with fruits and veggies so I can grab them as I need. They are ready to go!
There is so much informatioin out there, it's easy to get overwhelmed! So take this information with a grain of salt. Don't get confused by all the information, simply do what feels right to you! And just give it your best!!!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Foodmatters
Last night I decided to watch a documentary called "Foodmatters". Theses shows are not for the faint of heart. It's alarming how the food industry manipulates our food and has literally altered our health.
This documentary talked about how our food is a shadow of it's former self with the way they are mass producing it, and the use of pesticides. They inferred that there is less of a chance getting our daily nutritional requirements from the foods, because there is about 40% of the 'potential' nutrients, and the deficiencies are what are causing our illnesses.
One lady swears that food can heal anything if eaten properly.
It was a wild ride just watching it. I wanted to turn it off because I was so tired, but I was both engrossed and fascinated by what I was hearing.
Am I a believer??? Well....I'm not a DIS believer! I honestly believe food is here for us to nourish our bodies like gas in a car. If you put in bad gas, well, the car doesn't run well. And if you keep doing it, eventually it affects the other areas of the car that are trying to work together, and eventually your garage bills are gonna start creeping up.
Food is the same way. If we eat healthy, we feel healthy. If we eat terribly, we feel tired and run down. One guy said, (in this documentary), that we are not supposed to feel tired at 3pm. Yet, most of the people I know feel tired and start losing steam in the afternoon.
So, what gives? How much to do we need to change our diets to be healthy again? Well...here's the rub.....it was stated that even if we heat our foods a little bit, the enzymes in the food start to break down, and the food becomes less effective immediately. So he proposes a RAW diet. That is a gigantic leap from how we live nowadays. I personally don't know any RAW diet people, so I can't imagine it's an easy lifestyle. Maybe they are all living in a commune, growing their own organic fruits and veggies. (And, no I am NOT putting them down, so don't write me).
Another fellow proposed that supplements can help cure many ailments. For example, Niacin in large doses (I'm not going to tell you how much, because I don't want you trying it and suing me later), can help cure Depression or even Alcoholism (yes, you read that correctly). And that vitamin C, also in generous doses can heal and potentially cure cancer.
So, you do the math. In watching this; it was very thought-provoking. But I think that we, as individuals, need to do our own homework. We are so quick to jump on taglines we see in magazines, when all that is, is a knee-jerk reaction to information that we instantly interpret in a way that we want to hear it and 9 times out of 10, you are only working on 1% of the information necessary to make a well informed decision and an adequate plan.
So, we all need to make our own decisions.
What did I get out of it? That I could easily make a few adjustments in a healthier direction to help my body heal itself. That if I cut out "offending" foods, my body won't have to work so hard, making me tired in the process. It certainly can't hurt to eat healthier. And the more I see these documentaries, the more I realize my gut feeling on all these packaged foods is confirmed. The healthier and better way to go, is to shop the perimeter of the store for the "Clean" foods we need to eat.
If you like convenient foods, then take a little more time and make the foods you buy more convenient. Don't just buy celery; chop it when you get it home, and prepare it for snack time. So when you are hungry, you are more inclined to choose healthier, because your snack food is ready to go. Preparation IS key.
Now...I'm not even gonna get started on the baggies we are putting everything in! (snicker snicker....)
Don't take my 1% of information. If you are truly curious, do your own research. But be prepared for what you may find out.
This documentary talked about how our food is a shadow of it's former self with the way they are mass producing it, and the use of pesticides. They inferred that there is less of a chance getting our daily nutritional requirements from the foods, because there is about 40% of the 'potential' nutrients, and the deficiencies are what are causing our illnesses.
One lady swears that food can heal anything if eaten properly.
It was a wild ride just watching it. I wanted to turn it off because I was so tired, but I was both engrossed and fascinated by what I was hearing.
Am I a believer??? Well....I'm not a DIS believer! I honestly believe food is here for us to nourish our bodies like gas in a car. If you put in bad gas, well, the car doesn't run well. And if you keep doing it, eventually it affects the other areas of the car that are trying to work together, and eventually your garage bills are gonna start creeping up.
Food is the same way. If we eat healthy, we feel healthy. If we eat terribly, we feel tired and run down. One guy said, (in this documentary), that we are not supposed to feel tired at 3pm. Yet, most of the people I know feel tired and start losing steam in the afternoon.
So, what gives? How much to do we need to change our diets to be healthy again? Well...here's the rub.....it was stated that even if we heat our foods a little bit, the enzymes in the food start to break down, and the food becomes less effective immediately. So he proposes a RAW diet. That is a gigantic leap from how we live nowadays. I personally don't know any RAW diet people, so I can't imagine it's an easy lifestyle. Maybe they are all living in a commune, growing their own organic fruits and veggies. (And, no I am NOT putting them down, so don't write me).
Another fellow proposed that supplements can help cure many ailments. For example, Niacin in large doses (I'm not going to tell you how much, because I don't want you trying it and suing me later), can help cure Depression or even Alcoholism (yes, you read that correctly). And that vitamin C, also in generous doses can heal and potentially cure cancer.
So, you do the math. In watching this; it was very thought-provoking. But I think that we, as individuals, need to do our own homework. We are so quick to jump on taglines we see in magazines, when all that is, is a knee-jerk reaction to information that we instantly interpret in a way that we want to hear it and 9 times out of 10, you are only working on 1% of the information necessary to make a well informed decision and an adequate plan.
So, we all need to make our own decisions.
What did I get out of it? That I could easily make a few adjustments in a healthier direction to help my body heal itself. That if I cut out "offending" foods, my body won't have to work so hard, making me tired in the process. It certainly can't hurt to eat healthier. And the more I see these documentaries, the more I realize my gut feeling on all these packaged foods is confirmed. The healthier and better way to go, is to shop the perimeter of the store for the "Clean" foods we need to eat.
If you like convenient foods, then take a little more time and make the foods you buy more convenient. Don't just buy celery; chop it when you get it home, and prepare it for snack time. So when you are hungry, you are more inclined to choose healthier, because your snack food is ready to go. Preparation IS key.
Now...I'm not even gonna get started on the baggies we are putting everything in! (snicker snicker....)
Don't take my 1% of information. If you are truly curious, do your own research. But be prepared for what you may find out.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Homework and sanity
If you keep up on my facebook page, you will see that homework has been bearing down on us like a slow avalanche slowly releasing itself down the mountain.
I'm not opposed to kids having homework, but when my kid comes home; asks to skip her 3 hour dance class so she can finish her project and is still up til almost 9:30, something has to be done!
Reluctantly this year, we put our daughter on Dance Team. This requires quite a bit more than the 1 to 2 classes a year. It's a bit more intensive, requiring all dance disciplines and is 3 hours a day, two days a week, and then Saturdays.
As I have watched my daughter all year, I can see how dance has really helped in building her confidence and self esteem. This has been my plan since she was a child. To have her grow in a place of her peers in the same passion that she has. And if you are lucky enough to find it in your life, then you really should go with it.
Over the past few months, my child has been hitting burnout. She's been enjoying things less and stressing more. And she's only 10. If she were struggling all year, that would be one thing; but she has been honestly mananging things so well, we've been surprised. But, as they say, if it's too good to be true.....well, you know!
So, my question is; at what point - if at all - should a parent intervene? Is it a good idea to send a note with a child? Plan a meeting with the teacher? Hunker down and just plan a place next to your child when they are struggling? If a parent intervenes, is this a ticket to excuse-ville down the road for my child? Will this affect her self esteem, or make her realize that I'm on her side?
As a parent, there are so many questions and not enough answers. And as a parent, we don't usually realize we've botched things until hindsight comes in, which is really frustrating.
So, what is a parent to do? How far should I let my child slide down the hill, before I jump in and "try" and save the day? And is it helping or hindering?
I'm not sure what the correct answer is. I just know that, for me, as I watch my child decline on more than one level, it looks like a slippery slope to me. When she starts getting sick, because she is up late so many nights, that maybe I can at least mention it to the teacher and see if there is something we can do to even out the workload! I guess I'll find out later if it's a mistake.
After all...there is no handbook for this stuff......I guess I'll keep ya posted. But for now......I'm goin' in.....
I'm not opposed to kids having homework, but when my kid comes home; asks to skip her 3 hour dance class so she can finish her project and is still up til almost 9:30, something has to be done!
Reluctantly this year, we put our daughter on Dance Team. This requires quite a bit more than the 1 to 2 classes a year. It's a bit more intensive, requiring all dance disciplines and is 3 hours a day, two days a week, and then Saturdays.
As I have watched my daughter all year, I can see how dance has really helped in building her confidence and self esteem. This has been my plan since she was a child. To have her grow in a place of her peers in the same passion that she has. And if you are lucky enough to find it in your life, then you really should go with it.
Over the past few months, my child has been hitting burnout. She's been enjoying things less and stressing more. And she's only 10. If she were struggling all year, that would be one thing; but she has been honestly mananging things so well, we've been surprised. But, as they say, if it's too good to be true.....well, you know!
So, my question is; at what point - if at all - should a parent intervene? Is it a good idea to send a note with a child? Plan a meeting with the teacher? Hunker down and just plan a place next to your child when they are struggling? If a parent intervenes, is this a ticket to excuse-ville down the road for my child? Will this affect her self esteem, or make her realize that I'm on her side?
As a parent, there are so many questions and not enough answers. And as a parent, we don't usually realize we've botched things until hindsight comes in, which is really frustrating.
So, what is a parent to do? How far should I let my child slide down the hill, before I jump in and "try" and save the day? And is it helping or hindering?
I'm not sure what the correct answer is. I just know that, for me, as I watch my child decline on more than one level, it looks like a slippery slope to me. When she starts getting sick, because she is up late so many nights, that maybe I can at least mention it to the teacher and see if there is something we can do to even out the workload! I guess I'll find out later if it's a mistake.
After all...there is no handbook for this stuff......I guess I'll keep ya posted. But for now......I'm goin' in.....
Thursday, April 14, 2011
My life in Bags!~
This morning, I went to get my clothes on for work; only there was a problem. I couldn't find them. No surprise to some of you who know me, but still.....when it happens, I get so frustrated. And every bad decision I have made comes flooding forward!
I live moment to moment. I get by in that moment, and move on to the next! I don't have time to look back, or look forward, because I am just too busy and too scattered to do so. It works "in the moment", but the back side of it is.....I'm totally out of control!!
My car is a mess, because "I'll get it later". The dining room table is full of, "I'll get it in a minute", The kitchen sink is full of, "I'll be right back" and my clothes, are left in a bag in one of those scenarios, possibly to be never seen again!
On Tuesdays I work until 2pm, and then I rush off to go to get the kids, usually getting there just in time for pickup. This past Tuesday; being my birthday and all, I decided to go to Disneyland straight from work. Julie picked up the girls from school and we met at Disneyland - which required me changing my clothes and putting my work clothes in a bag in my car.
Well, this morning, as I wandered around the house, I grabbed 'the' bag that had my clothes in them; only it was the wrong bag. THIS bag was filled with work papers. So, I looked in another bag; full of kids stuff. And, yet another bag, full of stuff I collected around the house while cleaning in preparation for my Sunday's party. Are you exhausted and confused yet, because I sure am!!!
My whole life has been this way and it's really frustrating. I'm kind of over it all! I realized, this morning, that I need to start planning to plan so that I can plan to get things done! Only, the paperwork I would probably need to get started on that plan is stuck in a bag somewhere under a pile of something that I haven't seen in what might be years! So.....I move on to the next moment.
Hopefully, one of my days all my wisdom will come together in some form to help me better organize my life. But for now, it's all scattered throughout the crevices of my life, to hopefully one day be pieced together....one bag at a time!!!
And in case you are wondering if I ever found my work clothes....the answer is no. Not yet. I had to abandon ship so I could get to work, and I'm wearing something else, that will likely end up in a bag that I will never find.
I live moment to moment. I get by in that moment, and move on to the next! I don't have time to look back, or look forward, because I am just too busy and too scattered to do so. It works "in the moment", but the back side of it is.....I'm totally out of control!!
My car is a mess, because "I'll get it later". The dining room table is full of, "I'll get it in a minute", The kitchen sink is full of, "I'll be right back" and my clothes, are left in a bag in one of those scenarios, possibly to be never seen again!
On Tuesdays I work until 2pm, and then I rush off to go to get the kids, usually getting there just in time for pickup. This past Tuesday; being my birthday and all, I decided to go to Disneyland straight from work. Julie picked up the girls from school and we met at Disneyland - which required me changing my clothes and putting my work clothes in a bag in my car.
Well, this morning, as I wandered around the house, I grabbed 'the' bag that had my clothes in them; only it was the wrong bag. THIS bag was filled with work papers. So, I looked in another bag; full of kids stuff. And, yet another bag, full of stuff I collected around the house while cleaning in preparation for my Sunday's party. Are you exhausted and confused yet, because I sure am!!!
My whole life has been this way and it's really frustrating. I'm kind of over it all! I realized, this morning, that I need to start planning to plan so that I can plan to get things done! Only, the paperwork I would probably need to get started on that plan is stuck in a bag somewhere under a pile of something that I haven't seen in what might be years! So.....I move on to the next moment.
Hopefully, one of my days all my wisdom will come together in some form to help me better organize my life. But for now, it's all scattered throughout the crevices of my life, to hopefully one day be pieced together....one bag at a time!!!
And in case you are wondering if I ever found my work clothes....the answer is no. Not yet. I had to abandon ship so I could get to work, and I'm wearing something else, that will likely end up in a bag that I will never find.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Put on your mask first!
Yesterday I had my two meetings at work; the topic was "Me First". It is all about learning to put yourself on the list as many of us forget to do. I love these topics, because it is my chance to get people to stop and really think what is a good priority! We are so quick to do things for others, yet we forget ourselves. Why?
When you board an airplane, and they are going over the instructions, the first thing they tell you is, "If you are traveling with children and the cabin loses pressure; be sure to put YOUR MASK ON FIRST, and then assist your child".
I remember hearing this and thinking to myself, "Well that is stupid!" Why in the world wouldn't I help my child first???
Thankfully, they tell that to all the stupid people like me, because my instinct is to take care of my child first! Afterall, she is helpless. HOWEVER....if you think about it; if the cabin loses pressure, and you put it on your child first, and you pass out, because you didn't get it on you fast enough.....who is going to help her then?
And, such is life. Most of us carry on putting everyone else's mask first and forgetting our own. And we continue on this path, because the cabin isn't losing pressure that fast, so we don't really feel the effects. However, somewhere down the road, there is a cost for this sacrifice. If we don't find time for ourselves, our cabins will continue to lose pressure and eventually, we will pay the price.
I have heard it said; if you want something done; ask a busy person! This is true! And though I appreciate the busy person as much as the next guy, I wonder....how quickly is their cabin losing pressure!
Don't forget to take care of yourself! If you are waiting for time to carve it's way for you to have some "me time" and it hasn't happened yet.....well....what do you think?
When you board an airplane, and they are going over the instructions, the first thing they tell you is, "If you are traveling with children and the cabin loses pressure; be sure to put YOUR MASK ON FIRST, and then assist your child".
I remember hearing this and thinking to myself, "Well that is stupid!" Why in the world wouldn't I help my child first???
Thankfully, they tell that to all the stupid people like me, because my instinct is to take care of my child first! Afterall, she is helpless. HOWEVER....if you think about it; if the cabin loses pressure, and you put it on your child first, and you pass out, because you didn't get it on you fast enough.....who is going to help her then?
And, such is life. Most of us carry on putting everyone else's mask first and forgetting our own. And we continue on this path, because the cabin isn't losing pressure that fast, so we don't really feel the effects. However, somewhere down the road, there is a cost for this sacrifice. If we don't find time for ourselves, our cabins will continue to lose pressure and eventually, we will pay the price.
I have heard it said; if you want something done; ask a busy person! This is true! And though I appreciate the busy person as much as the next guy, I wonder....how quickly is their cabin losing pressure!
Don't forget to take care of yourself! If you are waiting for time to carve it's way for you to have some "me time" and it hasn't happened yet.....well....what do you think?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Reflecting Back
As today is my birthday, I can't help but refect back.
This morning my daughter asked is she could stay home. I said, "Why?" She said, "Because it's your birthday!" I said, "Well that would be fine, but I'll be at work, because my boss doesn't feel the same way you do!"
I remember as a kids waiting waiting waiting for birthdays come around. As a kid, those moments are THE big moments in your life. Everything revolves around your birthday. It's the day that the world stops and everyone comes around and celebrates YOU! AND, they all give you gifts!!! (Okay, so not in my household, but I'm sure somewhere in the world, right?)
I remember as a kid being excited for my mom's birthday and not understanding why she wanted to skip them. Or why she stopped aging at "29". What was so magic about that number. And to this day, we celebrate the anniversary of her 29th birthday, still, to avoid that "B" word! It actually makes me chuckle.
I do love my birthday, don't get me wrong. I hope we all do. It's a great day. A day to reflect, remember, appreciate, and hope. However, it's also become a bit like a baton. It is something I preferred to hand off to my children who deserve it more than I do, because they still treasure it like it's the E-Ticket ride at Disneyland. I would much rather have a birthday through their eyes. And maybe we should treat our birthdays with as much ferver as we did as children.
However, life gets in the way, and we grow up. The world doesn't stop for us and surround us with birthday gifts from every person we see along the way.
Not to say that we don't get celebrated. It's just different. A little more reflective than outward. Nowadays, I get a little more embarrassed at the focus. Almost feeling a bit un-worthy. However, as I get older, I certainly do appreciate the celebrations a lot more; even if it is only with my own family.
As I reflect back, there is so much more that I appreciate, only not on the same level as a 10 year old. I appreciate how far I have come in my life. Things I have overcome. Friends I have acquired along the way. I appreciate the richness of life that has nothing to do with money. But everything to do with love.
That said, it makes me realize things more through my kids' eyes. And that I should really make efforts to ensure their birthday celebrations are fabulous! Not big with money, but big with fun. I can't go back to my childhood (nor do I want to), but I am literally part of creating theirs. That is quite the responsibility.
As for mom; I totally get it. 29 is a good year. But...I was 31 and 33 when I had my kids, so I think I'll defer my "final" birthday choice to a later year. One I haven't chosen yet. And, possibly will never choose. To me, life keeps getting richer. I love deeper, laugh heartier, hug harder, and appreciate oh so much more. So, I think I will hold on to my baton for a few more years and see what happens. I'm not quite ready to let that go.....yet.
This morning my daughter asked is she could stay home. I said, "Why?" She said, "Because it's your birthday!" I said, "Well that would be fine, but I'll be at work, because my boss doesn't feel the same way you do!"
I remember as a kids waiting waiting waiting for birthdays come around. As a kid, those moments are THE big moments in your life. Everything revolves around your birthday. It's the day that the world stops and everyone comes around and celebrates YOU! AND, they all give you gifts!!! (Okay, so not in my household, but I'm sure somewhere in the world, right?)
I remember as a kid being excited for my mom's birthday and not understanding why she wanted to skip them. Or why she stopped aging at "29". What was so magic about that number. And to this day, we celebrate the anniversary of her 29th birthday, still, to avoid that "B" word! It actually makes me chuckle.
I do love my birthday, don't get me wrong. I hope we all do. It's a great day. A day to reflect, remember, appreciate, and hope. However, it's also become a bit like a baton. It is something I preferred to hand off to my children who deserve it more than I do, because they still treasure it like it's the E-Ticket ride at Disneyland. I would much rather have a birthday through their eyes. And maybe we should treat our birthdays with as much ferver as we did as children.
However, life gets in the way, and we grow up. The world doesn't stop for us and surround us with birthday gifts from every person we see along the way.
Not to say that we don't get celebrated. It's just different. A little more reflective than outward. Nowadays, I get a little more embarrassed at the focus. Almost feeling a bit un-worthy. However, as I get older, I certainly do appreciate the celebrations a lot more; even if it is only with my own family.
As I reflect back, there is so much more that I appreciate, only not on the same level as a 10 year old. I appreciate how far I have come in my life. Things I have overcome. Friends I have acquired along the way. I appreciate the richness of life that has nothing to do with money. But everything to do with love.
That said, it makes me realize things more through my kids' eyes. And that I should really make efforts to ensure their birthday celebrations are fabulous! Not big with money, but big with fun. I can't go back to my childhood (nor do I want to), but I am literally part of creating theirs. That is quite the responsibility.
As for mom; I totally get it. 29 is a good year. But...I was 31 and 33 when I had my kids, so I think I'll defer my "final" birthday choice to a later year. One I haven't chosen yet. And, possibly will never choose. To me, life keeps getting richer. I love deeper, laugh heartier, hug harder, and appreciate oh so much more. So, I think I will hold on to my baton for a few more years and see what happens. I'm not quite ready to let that go.....yet.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Irvine Mud Run
Yesterday I started my day doing the irvine mud run. I wasn't looking forward to it. It was cold, and I haven't worked out regularly for quite a while. Last year, I was totally into the races. This year...not so much. But as we had signed up months ago, and it was a gift from our friend, we went.
I told Chris, "Even though we are not in the mood to go, let's not let Julie see it, because this was her gift to us."
We agreed to meet at our house at 8am. Julie showed up promptly, as usual, and I smiled as if to say, 'looking forward to it.' But when I saw her face - it wasn't as happy as mine. I said, "What's wrong?". She said, "If you guys weren't going, I would have stayed in bed."
I started busting up. I was so afraid of offending her with our disdain at having to go, and here she was feeling the same way. All of a sudden I felt a brush of relief, and my desire to go was renewed. There is something about being in the same boat that brings comfort.
Now, I took the place of the cheerleader. After all, if we were all stuck in the same situation, we might as well enjoy it!
We decided right away to jump into an earlier wave. We didn't want to wait until 10:20 to start our race. So we jumped in at wave 8. Julie decided she'd better jump in a few waves earlier, because she is a slower runner and didn't want us waiting too long at the end. So she started about 12 minutes ahead. Smart thinking on her part.
As we stood there, my sis n law came tackling me from out of nowhere. I didn't even know that she was there. She couldn't find her friend to run with so she stuck it with us. I loved it. We used to do a lot more together in our younger years, and as life gets in the way, we hardly see each other, so this was a treat.
The guns went off and we started our trek. I was feeling a bit weak as it had been a while since I ran, so I stayed with Chris and Michele for a few. But as we reached the top of the first hill, all my training kicked in. I tackled the hurdles with no problem, ran as often as I could and walked when I had to. There were so many more hurdles than last year it was a real challenge.
As I ran past many people, I was realizing that I had done this long enough that I had really good muscle memory working in my favor. The muscle memory over rode the mind games I played in my head. I guess that is what good training will do.
As I passed mile three, I saw a yellow had in front of me, and realized, I had caught up with Julie. I was so excited, because this meant my pace was really good! This gave me renewed energy to keep pushing myself until the end....which was the most difficult part. The trenches and hills we had to get past were the hardest and most exhausting, and I was already tired! But with each hill I climbed, it was one less til the end, and I just kept picturing the finish line, which helped a lot!
When I finally crossed the finish line, this wave of elation came over me. It happens every time I cross a finish line. That sense of accomplishment and can-do feeling. It is awesome.
I immediately ran back on the spectator side to look for Julie and Chris and Michele. I saw Julie first and yelled her into the finish line, screaming that she will actually get in before Chris. What I didn't realize was Chris was right next to Julie as I was screaming her in! But I didn't see him, cuz I was just looking at Julie!!! As I ran back to the finish line, I practically ran into Chris and started laughing really hard! I was so proud of him for doing so well!!!!
And together, we waited for Michele to finish her first mud run. It was so great to be at the finish line for her!
I can't imagine doing this alone. There is such joy in celebrating with your friends and sharing stories with each other. We all were energized and ready for the day. And, of course, looking forward to the next race!
I told Chris, "Even though we are not in the mood to go, let's not let Julie see it, because this was her gift to us."
We agreed to meet at our house at 8am. Julie showed up promptly, as usual, and I smiled as if to say, 'looking forward to it.' But when I saw her face - it wasn't as happy as mine. I said, "What's wrong?". She said, "If you guys weren't going, I would have stayed in bed."
I started busting up. I was so afraid of offending her with our disdain at having to go, and here she was feeling the same way. All of a sudden I felt a brush of relief, and my desire to go was renewed. There is something about being in the same boat that brings comfort.
Now, I took the place of the cheerleader. After all, if we were all stuck in the same situation, we might as well enjoy it!
We decided right away to jump into an earlier wave. We didn't want to wait until 10:20 to start our race. So we jumped in at wave 8. Julie decided she'd better jump in a few waves earlier, because she is a slower runner and didn't want us waiting too long at the end. So she started about 12 minutes ahead. Smart thinking on her part.
As we stood there, my sis n law came tackling me from out of nowhere. I didn't even know that she was there. She couldn't find her friend to run with so she stuck it with us. I loved it. We used to do a lot more together in our younger years, and as life gets in the way, we hardly see each other, so this was a treat.
The guns went off and we started our trek. I was feeling a bit weak as it had been a while since I ran, so I stayed with Chris and Michele for a few. But as we reached the top of the first hill, all my training kicked in. I tackled the hurdles with no problem, ran as often as I could and walked when I had to. There were so many more hurdles than last year it was a real challenge.
As I ran past many people, I was realizing that I had done this long enough that I had really good muscle memory working in my favor. The muscle memory over rode the mind games I played in my head. I guess that is what good training will do.
As I passed mile three, I saw a yellow had in front of me, and realized, I had caught up with Julie. I was so excited, because this meant my pace was really good! This gave me renewed energy to keep pushing myself until the end....which was the most difficult part. The trenches and hills we had to get past were the hardest and most exhausting, and I was already tired! But with each hill I climbed, it was one less til the end, and I just kept picturing the finish line, which helped a lot!
When I finally crossed the finish line, this wave of elation came over me. It happens every time I cross a finish line. That sense of accomplishment and can-do feeling. It is awesome.
I immediately ran back on the spectator side to look for Julie and Chris and Michele. I saw Julie first and yelled her into the finish line, screaming that she will actually get in before Chris. What I didn't realize was Chris was right next to Julie as I was screaming her in! But I didn't see him, cuz I was just looking at Julie!!! As I ran back to the finish line, I practically ran into Chris and started laughing really hard! I was so proud of him for doing so well!!!!
And together, we waited for Michele to finish her first mud run. It was so great to be at the finish line for her!
I can't imagine doing this alone. There is such joy in celebrating with your friends and sharing stories with each other. We all were energized and ready for the day. And, of course, looking forward to the next race!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
At what cost?
A few days ago I posted about my birthday cake and letting the girls pick it out, as opposed to my making my own, (which is what I really wanted to do.)
Well, yesterday, I made my own cakes. Now, before you judge, let me explain.
First, let me step back to Friday. I had the girls with me and we went to lunch at a place that sells food and bakery items, such as cakes and whatnots. As we were waiting for our lunch, we looked at all the confectionary conglomerations in awe and wonderment. The girls were telling me which cakes they liked; (and more specifically; which cupcakes they wanted for themselves after lunch.)
We decided to ask for a pricelist of these beautiful cakes and when we saw the prices I quickly started computing in my head that this was more than I wanted to spend (or have them spend on a cake for me). I mean, after all; having them decide on a cake flavor would be hard because one likes chocolate and the other, vanilla. One likes fruit, while the other can't stand it. To make this story shorter, lets just say that they, together, enjoy the food spectrum; only one won't touch what the other desires....if you get my drift!
Yes, I know it's my cake, but when I started thinking about daddy (who gives in to their every whim), standing at the cake counter, I quickly saw two cakes coming home. And as the smallest cake was $25.99, times two....I decided to have a conversation about math with my girls.
I also decided to make it an adventure and try something we haven't done before. Start with a sheet cake and stack from there! So with our $25.00 that we just saved (a-hem....), I bought some jelly roll pans to start our adventure.
The intention was to have them help me and keep it as simple as possible. Suffice to say, they got distracted, seemed less than interested, and I didn't push them very hard as I didn't want arguments. So....they did help, but not as much as I had planned. And....I decided to use a box mix to keep it simple (which I never do), so I got one devils food and one yellow cake mix.
Cakes went in easily; and as they were cooking, I started the buttercream frosting and lemon curd (for the yellow cake). The cakes came out rather quickly, but thinner than I had hoped, but that is okay, cuz I have two cakes here.
In the end, my chocolate cake is two layer with chocolate filling (from real chocolate), buttercream frosting (at the request of my two pretties), and chocolate shavings on them. The vanilla cake has lemon curd, buttercream filling and cream cheese frosting and it's 2 layers.
What did I learn from this? Baking takes a very long time. First to prepare, then to cook, then to create, then to clean (even if you clean along the way). What did I lose from doing this myself? Pretty much a whole day of cleaning my house so the guests actually have a place to sit. Also, because I wasn't totally available for the day, it created a bit of tension for all the other things that needed to be done.
So, I wonder...what was the cost of my making the cakes vs. buying two small cakes to appease the masses? In the end, between all the ingredients and the pans, I may have broken even. I did lose a bit of time from my day, and the girls didn't help as much as I wanted or hoped. But as I sat there zesting the lemons, getting into the zone; there was an inner peace and excitement that I was experimenting with something new and actually having fun at it.
Now, they may not be the best or the prettiest cakes, cuz I'm not a cake baker. But they are my own creation and I know down the road, I will get better with every cake. And though, I didn't spend all day with my kids; they did get to make cake pops with the extra cake. And just watching them decorate the chocolate covered pops, it was clear to me, that the apples didn't fall far from the tree!! And you can't buy that at a cake store!
Well, yesterday, I made my own cakes. Now, before you judge, let me explain.
First, let me step back to Friday. I had the girls with me and we went to lunch at a place that sells food and bakery items, such as cakes and whatnots. As we were waiting for our lunch, we looked at all the confectionary conglomerations in awe and wonderment. The girls were telling me which cakes they liked; (and more specifically; which cupcakes they wanted for themselves after lunch.)
We decided to ask for a pricelist of these beautiful cakes and when we saw the prices I quickly started computing in my head that this was more than I wanted to spend (or have them spend on a cake for me). I mean, after all; having them decide on a cake flavor would be hard because one likes chocolate and the other, vanilla. One likes fruit, while the other can't stand it. To make this story shorter, lets just say that they, together, enjoy the food spectrum; only one won't touch what the other desires....if you get my drift!
Yes, I know it's my cake, but when I started thinking about daddy (who gives in to their every whim), standing at the cake counter, I quickly saw two cakes coming home. And as the smallest cake was $25.99, times two....I decided to have a conversation about math with my girls.
I also decided to make it an adventure and try something we haven't done before. Start with a sheet cake and stack from there! So with our $25.00 that we just saved (a-hem....), I bought some jelly roll pans to start our adventure.
The intention was to have them help me and keep it as simple as possible. Suffice to say, they got distracted, seemed less than interested, and I didn't push them very hard as I didn't want arguments. So....they did help, but not as much as I had planned. And....I decided to use a box mix to keep it simple (which I never do), so I got one devils food and one yellow cake mix.
Cakes went in easily; and as they were cooking, I started the buttercream frosting and lemon curd (for the yellow cake). The cakes came out rather quickly, but thinner than I had hoped, but that is okay, cuz I have two cakes here.
In the end, my chocolate cake is two layer with chocolate filling (from real chocolate), buttercream frosting (at the request of my two pretties), and chocolate shavings on them. The vanilla cake has lemon curd, buttercream filling and cream cheese frosting and it's 2 layers.
What did I learn from this? Baking takes a very long time. First to prepare, then to cook, then to create, then to clean (even if you clean along the way). What did I lose from doing this myself? Pretty much a whole day of cleaning my house so the guests actually have a place to sit. Also, because I wasn't totally available for the day, it created a bit of tension for all the other things that needed to be done.
So, I wonder...what was the cost of my making the cakes vs. buying two small cakes to appease the masses? In the end, between all the ingredients and the pans, I may have broken even. I did lose a bit of time from my day, and the girls didn't help as much as I wanted or hoped. But as I sat there zesting the lemons, getting into the zone; there was an inner peace and excitement that I was experimenting with something new and actually having fun at it.
Now, they may not be the best or the prettiest cakes, cuz I'm not a cake baker. But they are my own creation and I know down the road, I will get better with every cake. And though, I didn't spend all day with my kids; they did get to make cake pops with the extra cake. And just watching them decorate the chocolate covered pops, it was clear to me, that the apples didn't fall far from the tree!! And you can't buy that at a cake store!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Wigs and Guitars
Last night Chris played the Galaxy Theater in Costa Mesa. I have been watching him play for 16 years now! I remember the first time we met, he handed me a "tape" to listen to his music. "Love 20" was the first song I had heard, and I was impressed. It was his band and their music.
Now, looking back at all the incarnations of bands it's kind of funny. I remember him telling me, "I'm in a band! I have always been in a band! I will always be in a band!" to which I thought, "What a jerk!"
But as time went on, I understood his emphatic statement. I watched as girls tried to pull guys from things they loved, only to have something fall to demise. Usually, the relationship.
His band-love taught me a lot about a lot of things. First, if you have a passion, you should go with it. Second, you should never give up your passion for someone else. And third, having a passion of your own and following it, in a relationship can be part of a solid foundation, if done correctly.
Everything is a balance. We need to take care of the many aspects of our lives and to have an outlet is golden! In an earlier post, I wrote about "coping mechanisms". For some it's food or alcohol, for some it's avoidance or diversions. But whatever it is, in some form, we do have them. I know for Chris, it's his music. And for that, I am thankful!
I have seen some marriages falling apart and it breaks my heart. I wonder sometimes when the decline of the marriages started and could divorce have been avoided. And when these things happen, I can't help but reflect on my own marriage. I think that is normal. When something happens to someone else, we can't help but turn the mirror to ourselves and ask, "Am I okay?"
And for the many times I have reflected on our relationship (usually with him in the room, shaking his head asking if we have to go through this again), I have been thankful to see that we are okay!
I went to a Catholic wedding a long time ago, and I was shocked to hear the priest say, "The devil will try to come in and put a wedge between you, and you must tell the devil to "Go to HELL". It was so poignant for me, because I realized that the falling apart of a relationship starts with the tiniest crack. And if you don't heal the crack, it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger.
Now, no one can predict what will happen in a relationship. Chris could come home tomorrow and say "it's over!" (Those would be his last words, but it could happen).
But one thing I realized is that in our relationship, when there is a crack, we try to fix it. We may argue at times, but more importantly, we hear each other. And we apologize. And move on.
I realized that in our relationship, the fact that he has is own life, within our relationship is very important and has probably been a really large component in our marriage. He has his thing, I have my thing, we have our things and we spend time with each. To hold someone so closely that they can't have their own life, is to suffocate. I have seen it happen. It's awful. To give each other the freedom to be who they are and live their passion and celebrate them is love.
Now, I don't want anyone emailing me telling me I'm no authority on marriage, because I will wholeheartedly agree!! I am NO AUTHORITY ON MARRIAGE. I'm just an authority on MY marriage! I love my husband and I am proud of him. I let him do his thing with his bands! I watch him put on leather and wear a wig so he can play his part; and I show up to take pictures of him and watch him play. (Even though it is SO not my choice of music). I know he appreciates me being there. That is a good thing. And as for the kids, they get to watch it all. They love that daddy is a "rock star" and they are always excited to see him play.
Having a passion is great! Following your passion is better. Balancing your passion is key! I end this with what I will call..the picture of the night!
'Nuff Said!
Now, looking back at all the incarnations of bands it's kind of funny. I remember him telling me, "I'm in a band! I have always been in a band! I will always be in a band!" to which I thought, "What a jerk!"
But as time went on, I understood his emphatic statement. I watched as girls tried to pull guys from things they loved, only to have something fall to demise. Usually, the relationship.
His band-love taught me a lot about a lot of things. First, if you have a passion, you should go with it. Second, you should never give up your passion for someone else. And third, having a passion of your own and following it, in a relationship can be part of a solid foundation, if done correctly.
Everything is a balance. We need to take care of the many aspects of our lives and to have an outlet is golden! In an earlier post, I wrote about "coping mechanisms". For some it's food or alcohol, for some it's avoidance or diversions. But whatever it is, in some form, we do have them. I know for Chris, it's his music. And for that, I am thankful!
I have seen some marriages falling apart and it breaks my heart. I wonder sometimes when the decline of the marriages started and could divorce have been avoided. And when these things happen, I can't help but reflect on my own marriage. I think that is normal. When something happens to someone else, we can't help but turn the mirror to ourselves and ask, "Am I okay?"
And for the many times I have reflected on our relationship (usually with him in the room, shaking his head asking if we have to go through this again), I have been thankful to see that we are okay!
I went to a Catholic wedding a long time ago, and I was shocked to hear the priest say, "The devil will try to come in and put a wedge between you, and you must tell the devil to "Go to HELL". It was so poignant for me, because I realized that the falling apart of a relationship starts with the tiniest crack. And if you don't heal the crack, it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger.
Now, no one can predict what will happen in a relationship. Chris could come home tomorrow and say "it's over!" (Those would be his last words, but it could happen).
But one thing I realized is that in our relationship, when there is a crack, we try to fix it. We may argue at times, but more importantly, we hear each other. And we apologize. And move on.
I realized that in our relationship, the fact that he has is own life, within our relationship is very important and has probably been a really large component in our marriage. He has his thing, I have my thing, we have our things and we spend time with each. To hold someone so closely that they can't have their own life, is to suffocate. I have seen it happen. It's awful. To give each other the freedom to be who they are and live their passion and celebrate them is love.
Now, I don't want anyone emailing me telling me I'm no authority on marriage, because I will wholeheartedly agree!! I am NO AUTHORITY ON MARRIAGE. I'm just an authority on MY marriage! I love my husband and I am proud of him. I let him do his thing with his bands! I watch him put on leather and wear a wig so he can play his part; and I show up to take pictures of him and watch him play. (Even though it is SO not my choice of music). I know he appreciates me being there. That is a good thing. And as for the kids, they get to watch it all. They love that daddy is a "rock star" and they are always excited to see him play.
Having a passion is great! Following your passion is better. Balancing your passion is key! I end this with what I will call..the picture of the night!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Decisions Decisions
This weekend is my birthday. Actually, it's on Tuesday, but we will be celebrating with family on Sunday!
I asked hubby where he was going to get the cake, and he said he didn't know. I said, "I can make it!" He said fine! Now I am trying to decide what to make.
This morning, I got up and my little one said, "I don't want you to make your birthday cake". I said, "why?" She said, "Cuz that's stupid!"
I thought that was really cute and it made me think. I know what she was saying, because it seems weird that one would make their own birthday cake. But what she doesn't realize is, I was actually excited about it!
For anyone who knows me, I love to bake. It may not always turn out perfectly, but I love it anyways! This is something that I developed in the last 6 months or so of losing my 52lbs. Weird, huh? Baking and losing weight? It doesn't totally make sense as they don't really go hand in hand! So how did it develop?
To explain this I have to go back almost 20 years. When I met Chris, I realized pretty quickly that he was a good cook. He enjoyed it and was good at it. However, he didn't make the most...um....lets say "waist friendly" meals. However, it was delicious and I thoroughly enjoyed it! One day, he came home and I had made something to eat (this is where the stories differ, so feel free to ask his version. It's wrong, but it's his version). When he came home, I offered him some of what I had made. Little did I know that is was one of the concoctions you would find in his mother's house, (which is what launched him into his snob-cookery lifestyle). I had made tuna casserole. (you know....one pound of noodles, one can of tuna with juice and one can of PEAS). Well, lets just say, this didn't go over well with him. But as we had been a fairly new couple, and this was his first experience with my culinary 'skills', he didn't mention to me that peas never crossed his lips. I had noticed, however, that like a 3 year old, all his peas were dissected and put into a pile on the corner of his plate.
Now, to his credit, he didn't say a word to me. He told me it was good and thanked me (which actually was very sweet, if you know my husband), and took his dish to the sink.
The next time I cooked, I decided to "WOW" him. I made my aunts Linguine and white clam sauce. This was a delicacy in my family. But as we had been dating much longer, he was now more bold and said, "I don't eat clams". After that, I made lasagna, but apparently the red sauce bothered his delicate tummy. (are you getting the picture here?).
Finally, with all my (in his opinion) culinary disasters, he finally looked deep into my eyes, put his hand on my leg, leaned forward and said, "You know babe....I think it's best if you just don't cook". to which I said, "Fine!" I really didn't care. If he was going to be so persnickety, then he could have at! And for about 12 years....I didn't lift a finger! (Okay not totally true, but you get the point!).
Now the only variance in all of this is his version is, "I can't cook"....and my version is "He's a snob". However, I did realize he was a bit more skilled and so I simply took a back seat. Sometimes it's better to be married than right, so I just went with it.
However, when I was losing weight and realized how fatty some of these muffin recipes were, I decided to make it my mission to create lower "point" muffins. So I started baking. And what I found was, not only did I like it....I was good at it! But that isn't all that happened. Somewhere in all of my baking, I realized that there were so many things that happened. I could create something where I knew the outcome would be positive. And I could actually share my positive outcome with friends and families. And best of all....my kids LOVED it!! It was a win win win!!! I also realized that this was a bit of a mantra to me. When I was stressed, I found myself baking and trying new recipes.
In a world full of stress, it is really nice to realize that you can take a piece of your day and see some accomplishment. And when things get bad, sometimes that is all you have.
So as far as my birthday cake is concerned...yes I want to bake it. But maybe my little one might find a sense of accomplishment picking out a cake that she feels is perfect for me. An offering, if you will. So, as much as I do like to bake and as excited as I am to create a fabulous cake for myself, I think I would much rather see the joy in my childs face when I tell her she picked out the perfect cake for me!
I asked hubby where he was going to get the cake, and he said he didn't know. I said, "I can make it!" He said fine! Now I am trying to decide what to make.
This morning, I got up and my little one said, "I don't want you to make your birthday cake". I said, "why?" She said, "Cuz that's stupid!"
I thought that was really cute and it made me think. I know what she was saying, because it seems weird that one would make their own birthday cake. But what she doesn't realize is, I was actually excited about it!
For anyone who knows me, I love to bake. It may not always turn out perfectly, but I love it anyways! This is something that I developed in the last 6 months or so of losing my 52lbs. Weird, huh? Baking and losing weight? It doesn't totally make sense as they don't really go hand in hand! So how did it develop?
To explain this I have to go back almost 20 years. When I met Chris, I realized pretty quickly that he was a good cook. He enjoyed it and was good at it. However, he didn't make the most...um....lets say "waist friendly" meals. However, it was delicious and I thoroughly enjoyed it! One day, he came home and I had made something to eat (this is where the stories differ, so feel free to ask his version. It's wrong, but it's his version). When he came home, I offered him some of what I had made. Little did I know that is was one of the concoctions you would find in his mother's house, (which is what launched him into his snob-cookery lifestyle). I had made tuna casserole. (you know....one pound of noodles, one can of tuna with juice and one can of PEAS). Well, lets just say, this didn't go over well with him. But as we had been a fairly new couple, and this was his first experience with my culinary 'skills', he didn't mention to me that peas never crossed his lips. I had noticed, however, that like a 3 year old, all his peas were dissected and put into a pile on the corner of his plate.
Now, to his credit, he didn't say a word to me. He told me it was good and thanked me (which actually was very sweet, if you know my husband), and took his dish to the sink.
The next time I cooked, I decided to "WOW" him. I made my aunts Linguine and white clam sauce. This was a delicacy in my family. But as we had been dating much longer, he was now more bold and said, "I don't eat clams". After that, I made lasagna, but apparently the red sauce bothered his delicate tummy. (are you getting the picture here?).
Finally, with all my (in his opinion) culinary disasters, he finally looked deep into my eyes, put his hand on my leg, leaned forward and said, "You know babe....I think it's best if you just don't cook". to which I said, "Fine!" I really didn't care. If he was going to be so persnickety, then he could have at! And for about 12 years....I didn't lift a finger! (Okay not totally true, but you get the point!).
Now the only variance in all of this is his version is, "I can't cook"....and my version is "He's a snob". However, I did realize he was a bit more skilled and so I simply took a back seat. Sometimes it's better to be married than right, so I just went with it.
However, when I was losing weight and realized how fatty some of these muffin recipes were, I decided to make it my mission to create lower "point" muffins. So I started baking. And what I found was, not only did I like it....I was good at it! But that isn't all that happened. Somewhere in all of my baking, I realized that there were so many things that happened. I could create something where I knew the outcome would be positive. And I could actually share my positive outcome with friends and families. And best of all....my kids LOVED it!! It was a win win win!!! I also realized that this was a bit of a mantra to me. When I was stressed, I found myself baking and trying new recipes.
In a world full of stress, it is really nice to realize that you can take a piece of your day and see some accomplishment. And when things get bad, sometimes that is all you have.
So as far as my birthday cake is concerned...yes I want to bake it. But maybe my little one might find a sense of accomplishment picking out a cake that she feels is perfect for me. An offering, if you will. So, as much as I do like to bake and as excited as I am to create a fabulous cake for myself, I think I would much rather see the joy in my childs face when I tell her she picked out the perfect cake for me!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Deaf advice
Every give so much advice so often, that when you need some yourself, you completely ignore all that you say?
I am a windbag of advice. I have been in my head for so long that I have learned a million and one things about how to deal with stuff. But as they say, I'm the cobbler without shoes.
Sometimes it takes a while to sift through the muck in your mind, and for most people, its too hard and they don't know where to begin, so they don't bother. They simply "cope" instead. We all have our coping mechanisms; food, alcohol, distractions, diversions, whatever you want to call it. When things get hard and we don't want to face "it" we find away around it, and sometimes ignore it all together as though it doesn't exist. But more often than not we are delaying the inevitable.
Take me, for instance! I'm stuck. I wouldn't say I'm avoiding, because I simply can't avoid my situation, but I can't seem to get past it either. I have been sitting in it for a few months now and passively dealing with it. It started with stomach issues and progressed from there. The bottom line is I have to start eating differently to cure myself effectively. But I'm stuck.
I think I have come to the conclusion, mentally, that I am not ready to admit that this is a lifelong problem, when it is! What I eat affects my life. If I change what I eat, I will improve. It is that simple.
I realized this morning that I have to start over. I have all the ingredients to what needs to be done. I just had to put myself in the shoes of a "friend that needs help" in order to see the situation more clearly. I would do anythiing for my friends, so it's easy to put myself on the other side of things.
And now, it will simply be taking "my" advice and putting it into action. I have all the ingredients, I just need to put them together in a way that the 'recipe' works. And that will take some time.
It's really sad that we can sift through someone elses stuff with ease, but our own seems impossible. But the truth it, it's not really impossible. It is just unpleasant. And who wants to 'deal' with unpleasant!?!?!
I once heard that if we removed our emotions we would become more like computers. We would remember everything, and be able to reiterate it without issue. It is our emotions that get in our way. I for one, am a very emotional person, so it's no wonder I have a hard time remembering details. But I never forget how I felt!
I am a windbag of advice. I have been in my head for so long that I have learned a million and one things about how to deal with stuff. But as they say, I'm the cobbler without shoes.
Sometimes it takes a while to sift through the muck in your mind, and for most people, its too hard and they don't know where to begin, so they don't bother. They simply "cope" instead. We all have our coping mechanisms; food, alcohol, distractions, diversions, whatever you want to call it. When things get hard and we don't want to face "it" we find away around it, and sometimes ignore it all together as though it doesn't exist. But more often than not we are delaying the inevitable.
Take me, for instance! I'm stuck. I wouldn't say I'm avoiding, because I simply can't avoid my situation, but I can't seem to get past it either. I have been sitting in it for a few months now and passively dealing with it. It started with stomach issues and progressed from there. The bottom line is I have to start eating differently to cure myself effectively. But I'm stuck.
I think I have come to the conclusion, mentally, that I am not ready to admit that this is a lifelong problem, when it is! What I eat affects my life. If I change what I eat, I will improve. It is that simple.
I realized this morning that I have to start over. I have all the ingredients to what needs to be done. I just had to put myself in the shoes of a "friend that needs help" in order to see the situation more clearly. I would do anythiing for my friends, so it's easy to put myself on the other side of things.
And now, it will simply be taking "my" advice and putting it into action. I have all the ingredients, I just need to put them together in a way that the 'recipe' works. And that will take some time.
It's really sad that we can sift through someone elses stuff with ease, but our own seems impossible. But the truth it, it's not really impossible. It is just unpleasant. And who wants to 'deal' with unpleasant!?!?!
I once heard that if we removed our emotions we would become more like computers. We would remember everything, and be able to reiterate it without issue. It is our emotions that get in our way. I for one, am a very emotional person, so it's no wonder I have a hard time remembering details. But I never forget how I felt!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Listen the first time
Kids take over your life.
Most parents know this.
With kids, comes great responsibilities! As a parent we learn to listen to our kids "with a grain of salt". Sometimes we take it to heart; other times we dismiss it as, "they're being dramatic". Well sometimes yes and sometimes no!
My little one tells me she feels she is not being heard and she is frustrated by this. However, being that she is 8, her ability to articulate isn't exactly mastered. So she is left to her own devices with what we have provided her to date. Which, in my opinion, isn't nearly enough. As parents I think we can always do better, but most of us do the best we can with the training we have been provided, which, is usually...none. After all...there is no parenting handbook! Millions of books, but no real "page turner" that answers all those burning questions.
But, I digress.......
As my 8 year old tries to let on that she is feeling, "unvalued", her way of communicating is simply (and effectively), acting out! Sometimes it's a tangent, sometimes a meltdown, sometimes a very loud and appropriately placed slam of her bedroom door. What else is one to do when they aren't feeling heard?
As we ignored many of these signs; things started showing up outside the home; eventually we started hearing things from the teacher (minor offenses, but needs attention). And, then, on the playground.
Now...I'm listening!
I am seeing that a child left to their own devices will cope the best they can with what they have. And if their ability to seek guidance at home is thwarted, they will go to their next option, which is school and 'friends'.
Thankfully, I have a tight enough network, that while I'm down, and calling out for help, I'm getting even more stories that I do not want to hear! (again, minor offenses, arguments at school...nothing major but needs attention).
Armed with this knowledge I am forced to face the unpleasantries of parenthood.....dissecting the issues! This is no easy task. Especially when you haven't been listening effectively to your child. When you are in it, it's really hard to see at times. But I guarantee you, there are clues along the way.
Luckily, when I started opening dialog with my child, and asking other adults who may have witnessed "un-perfect behaviors", I found a pattern that simply showed me that I have not been listening to my child or valuing her enough. With the support of the teachers, school, parents and my beautiful child, we began re-directing her efforts and showing her that I am listening and that we appreciate her. You know....the stuff that most all of us would like to hear!?!?!?! I also found out through all of this, that my child is exquisitely in touch with her feelings and her ability to articulate them in writing is truly amazing to me! Through all of this, I started encouraging her to write out her feelings and emotions when she is feeling under appreciated (or whenever she wants, for that matter), and I have been thrilled to see what she has been writing. It's amazing what happens when you actually "see" your child!
As for my other child, when she told me her ear was hurting, I should have listened the first time. By not listening, I created a "drop everything" moment to take her to the doctors, because by the time I actually "listened" to her, she was now in severe pain! Bad mommy!
Learn from my mistakes. When your child tells you something (or even your spouse for that matter), take a moment, look at them, try to see how they feel and hear what they are really saying to you. By doing that, you will validate them. And I know for myself, when I feel like someone really hears me, I want to spend more time with and around them!
Most parents know this.
With kids, comes great responsibilities! As a parent we learn to listen to our kids "with a grain of salt". Sometimes we take it to heart; other times we dismiss it as, "they're being dramatic". Well sometimes yes and sometimes no!
My little one tells me she feels she is not being heard and she is frustrated by this. However, being that she is 8, her ability to articulate isn't exactly mastered. So she is left to her own devices with what we have provided her to date. Which, in my opinion, isn't nearly enough. As parents I think we can always do better, but most of us do the best we can with the training we have been provided, which, is usually...none. After all...there is no parenting handbook! Millions of books, but no real "page turner" that answers all those burning questions.
But, I digress.......
As my 8 year old tries to let on that she is feeling, "unvalued", her way of communicating is simply (and effectively), acting out! Sometimes it's a tangent, sometimes a meltdown, sometimes a very loud and appropriately placed slam of her bedroom door. What else is one to do when they aren't feeling heard?
As we ignored many of these signs; things started showing up outside the home; eventually we started hearing things from the teacher (minor offenses, but needs attention). And, then, on the playground.
Now...I'm listening!
I am seeing that a child left to their own devices will cope the best they can with what they have. And if their ability to seek guidance at home is thwarted, they will go to their next option, which is school and 'friends'.
Thankfully, I have a tight enough network, that while I'm down, and calling out for help, I'm getting even more stories that I do not want to hear! (again, minor offenses, arguments at school...nothing major but needs attention).
Armed with this knowledge I am forced to face the unpleasantries of parenthood.....dissecting the issues! This is no easy task. Especially when you haven't been listening effectively to your child. When you are in it, it's really hard to see at times. But I guarantee you, there are clues along the way.
Luckily, when I started opening dialog with my child, and asking other adults who may have witnessed "un-perfect behaviors", I found a pattern that simply showed me that I have not been listening to my child or valuing her enough. With the support of the teachers, school, parents and my beautiful child, we began re-directing her efforts and showing her that I am listening and that we appreciate her. You know....the stuff that most all of us would like to hear!?!?!?! I also found out through all of this, that my child is exquisitely in touch with her feelings and her ability to articulate them in writing is truly amazing to me! Through all of this, I started encouraging her to write out her feelings and emotions when she is feeling under appreciated (or whenever she wants, for that matter), and I have been thrilled to see what she has been writing. It's amazing what happens when you actually "see" your child!
As for my other child, when she told me her ear was hurting, I should have listened the first time. By not listening, I created a "drop everything" moment to take her to the doctors, because by the time I actually "listened" to her, she was now in severe pain! Bad mommy!
Learn from my mistakes. When your child tells you something (or even your spouse for that matter), take a moment, look at them, try to see how they feel and hear what they are really saying to you. By doing that, you will validate them. And I know for myself, when I feel like someone really hears me, I want to spend more time with and around them!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Motivating the masses
It is my job to motivate and support people. My ability to do this supports someone else's success. My inability to do this, means they are not successful. No pressure, right? Sometimes I literally feel their fate is in my hands.
I follow a topic every week. Usually it's a slam dunk, but other times it is a little more, well, lets say, challenging. This week, I'm talking about exercising.
This is a GREAT topic! This is the one single component, that if added regularly, will guide ones success all the way to the finish line. No kidding. Things start to happen when you add this one component into your life.
We all did it as kids and it was a total no brainer! We just went out the front doors in the morning and ran or rode until we came home at night. When we had to sit for long periods of time it would drive us nuts. Yet somehow, over the years of graduating stagnancy, and busy schedules, this one component became obsolete. What happened???? I'm guessing the same for most of us....life got in the way and we had to grow up!!! What a bummer.
Now, I am paid to stand in front of people and beg them to give it a try! Touting the many benefits we will gain (and lose) by doing said component (which we all know, because we have heard it a million times already...).
So, why is it, than when I stand up there and talk about this am I faced with blank stares and usually crickets?
.......Bueller................Bueller.......................Bueller.................
(Because, even though I know it is vital to our lives, it is literally one more thing I have to squeeze or carve into my life and I don't want to!!!)
I get it! I was that person. But now on the other side of things, I see the benefits firsthand! I'm what one might call newly converted. I now get that the reason I started putting on extra weight in my adult years is because I was slowly losing muscle mass starting at the age of 25. And that if I didn't get my butt moving, then 10% of it would be gone by the time I am 45, steadily decreasing from there! YIKES!!!
But still, with my knowledge and my pleading, people still have a hard time with this. They think it will be too complicated to get moving and do it on a regular basis. Hopefully this week, I will get a few more takers in the area. Hopefully, I'll say something that creates a spark. Maybe I will convince one solitary person that it doesn't have to be complicated. And they will realize if they just move more than they already are; there will be benefits.
Because I know how hard it is for people to hear this, it makes it a challenging week for me. But hopefully, I'll get through and maybe someone who is listening will change their habits which will change their lives.
Just maybe.......
I follow a topic every week. Usually it's a slam dunk, but other times it is a little more, well, lets say, challenging. This week, I'm talking about exercising.
This is a GREAT topic! This is the one single component, that if added regularly, will guide ones success all the way to the finish line. No kidding. Things start to happen when you add this one component into your life.
We all did it as kids and it was a total no brainer! We just went out the front doors in the morning and ran or rode until we came home at night. When we had to sit for long periods of time it would drive us nuts. Yet somehow, over the years of graduating stagnancy, and busy schedules, this one component became obsolete. What happened???? I'm guessing the same for most of us....life got in the way and we had to grow up!!! What a bummer.
Now, I am paid to stand in front of people and beg them to give it a try! Touting the many benefits we will gain (and lose) by doing said component (which we all know, because we have heard it a million times already...).
So, why is it, than when I stand up there and talk about this am I faced with blank stares and usually crickets?
.......Bueller................Bueller.......................Bueller.................
(Because, even though I know it is vital to our lives, it is literally one more thing I have to squeeze or carve into my life and I don't want to!!!)
I get it! I was that person. But now on the other side of things, I see the benefits firsthand! I'm what one might call newly converted. I now get that the reason I started putting on extra weight in my adult years is because I was slowly losing muscle mass starting at the age of 25. And that if I didn't get my butt moving, then 10% of it would be gone by the time I am 45, steadily decreasing from there! YIKES!!!
But still, with my knowledge and my pleading, people still have a hard time with this. They think it will be too complicated to get moving and do it on a regular basis. Hopefully this week, I will get a few more takers in the area. Hopefully, I'll say something that creates a spark. Maybe I will convince one solitary person that it doesn't have to be complicated. And they will realize if they just move more than they already are; there will be benefits.
Because I know how hard it is for people to hear this, it makes it a challenging week for me. But hopefully, I'll get through and maybe someone who is listening will change their habits which will change their lives.
Just maybe.......
Monday, April 4, 2011
Torn between 'want' and 'should'
As I have stated in the past, diversions keep me from being organized. However, I have this overwhelming drive inside about seizing the day when the mood strikes me.
Most of the time it's a no brainer; if it's a nice day, I'm not working, nothing else is scheduled and I 'should' be cleaning the house; it's very easy to say, 'let's go to the beach' instead. But this is where I get bit. Eventually, it all starts piling up, and comes crumbling down on a day that wouldn't have happened if I had just stuck to 'the plan'.
However, sometimes I honestly feel like today is all we have. And how do you compete with that? Anything can happen at any moment of our lives and literally change everything!!! I have seen it happen!
Growing up with my sister, she was chock full of responsibility. She literally elected to clean her room. Now, to her credit, we shared a room (to her dismay) and she just wanted all the crap picked up cuz she couldn't live with it anymore. But I never felt that way. Not once! I never looked at our room and said, "Gee, what a mess....let us take this day and clean!!!!" Trust me, I wish it had! Cuz now I sit here, some 30+ years later with the same struggles I had then! "I don't care".
"I don't care" works great when you are all by yourself and have no one to be accountable to. However, I have a few people to whom I am accountable. And two of them are in training. Yes....from me....quit laughing........
This makes it a bit more difficult to "seize the day", because I am literally training my kids that we can live life on a whim, and that 'responsible' stuff can just wait. So, it makes it a little more difficult to make this decision.
So, I sit here, fighting in my head between the wants and the shoulds. Another problem with my choices is the when I DO get that golden moment where I want to clean the house; the kids just look at me like "We don't do that, mother. Remember? We have Disney passes....or we go to the beach...or we shop!" And, of course, the cooperation is out the window and the fights ensue. It's a bad cycle.
But, with all that said, I have a sick daughter on the couch, and one grumpy-ish from just waking up. And as I write, I'm staring at a MOST beautiful day, and I cannot help but think to myself....."she'll be sick no matter where she is, and the other will perk up as soon as we get to Disneyland".
Is that bad?
Most of the time it's a no brainer; if it's a nice day, I'm not working, nothing else is scheduled and I 'should' be cleaning the house; it's very easy to say, 'let's go to the beach' instead. But this is where I get bit. Eventually, it all starts piling up, and comes crumbling down on a day that wouldn't have happened if I had just stuck to 'the plan'.
However, sometimes I honestly feel like today is all we have. And how do you compete with that? Anything can happen at any moment of our lives and literally change everything!!! I have seen it happen!
Growing up with my sister, she was chock full of responsibility. She literally elected to clean her room. Now, to her credit, we shared a room (to her dismay) and she just wanted all the crap picked up cuz she couldn't live with it anymore. But I never felt that way. Not once! I never looked at our room and said, "Gee, what a mess....let us take this day and clean!!!!" Trust me, I wish it had! Cuz now I sit here, some 30+ years later with the same struggles I had then! "I don't care".
"I don't care" works great when you are all by yourself and have no one to be accountable to. However, I have a few people to whom I am accountable. And two of them are in training. Yes....from me....quit laughing........
This makes it a bit more difficult to "seize the day", because I am literally training my kids that we can live life on a whim, and that 'responsible' stuff can just wait. So, it makes it a little more difficult to make this decision.
So, I sit here, fighting in my head between the wants and the shoulds. Another problem with my choices is the when I DO get that golden moment where I want to clean the house; the kids just look at me like "We don't do that, mother. Remember? We have Disney passes....or we go to the beach...or we shop!" And, of course, the cooperation is out the window and the fights ensue. It's a bad cycle.
But, with all that said, I have a sick daughter on the couch, and one grumpy-ish from just waking up. And as I write, I'm staring at a MOST beautiful day, and I cannot help but think to myself....."she'll be sick no matter where she is, and the other will perk up as soon as we get to Disneyland".
Is that bad?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Backsliding and lies
I am a leader for 6 meetings a week, and if nothing else, I find comfort in the fact that we are not alone. We all have our hopes and desires; and we all have our struggles along the way. And usually, more often than not...the struggles are with our selves in our own heads!
I don't know WHAT it is, be we all have the ability to trip ourselves up, and lie to ourselves, OURSELVES!!!!! How can you stand there, look in the mirror, lie to yourself....and let yourself get away with it???? I mean, seriously??? Is the truth SO painful that you literally cannot deal with it?
We do it on so many levels, that we honestly ignore it. So how can you bring ourselves back from the depths of lying, to a level of brutal honesty? And what would happen if we were to be honest with ourself? I truly believe it is a safety mechanism. (well, in some cases anyways).
We all have our own perspective, and we usually create it to work towards our own benefit. Lets take jobs for instance. If you get fired, it's easier to believe "they" were after you and they plotted this against you. Because if we have to look at the REAL POTENTIAL truth, it could mean that you did not measure up and were not satisfactory for the position. So, your perspective saves face for you. How nice. You can tell people your perspective, and they will believe you, because they don't know any better! (unless they worked with you, I mean).
BUT....if we are looking at weight loss.... it is a little harder to lie. If you say you didn't eat something, and you did.....it's pretty cut and dry. You are lying. And if you are lying to someone else, and they didn't see you, that is one thing. But when you start lying to yourself, you have to ask.....why??? (After all....what you eat in private, shows up in public later.) That is a fact. Eventually, people will know you are overeating. But the question is, why do we feel the need to lie to ourselves when there is no lie about it. You ate it. How can you lie to yourself? And why????
Truth is, I do not have the answer. we all have to find the answers in ourselves. The bottom line is you are either contributing to your greater self, or contaminating your efforts. Whatever the choice, it's all yours.
But if you find yourself beating your head up against a wall, because you cannot achieve whatever goal it is; you really need to stop and ask yourself what is going on? Why can't I face the truth, and what will happen if I start? Will I die? Likely not. (But the pain of the truth might feel like it.)
We need to be living the life that supports what our goals are. I use weight loss as an example, because that seems to carry the most weight as far as an example (pun intended). But you can 'insert issue here' if you'd like. The bottom line is, if you aren't getting what you want, and what you are doing isn't working, you need to change what you are doing!
We all have our struggles, but when you are lying to yourself....that is the first struggle you must overcome! Ask your friends for help if necessary. More often than not, they are watching you and helping you lie, because they love you. But if you actually ask them to tell the truth....I'll bet they can tell you!!!
I don't know WHAT it is, be we all have the ability to trip ourselves up, and lie to ourselves, OURSELVES!!!!! How can you stand there, look in the mirror, lie to yourself....and let yourself get away with it???? I mean, seriously??? Is the truth SO painful that you literally cannot deal with it?
We do it on so many levels, that we honestly ignore it. So how can you bring ourselves back from the depths of lying, to a level of brutal honesty? And what would happen if we were to be honest with ourself? I truly believe it is a safety mechanism. (well, in some cases anyways).
We all have our own perspective, and we usually create it to work towards our own benefit. Lets take jobs for instance. If you get fired, it's easier to believe "they" were after you and they plotted this against you. Because if we have to look at the REAL POTENTIAL truth, it could mean that you did not measure up and were not satisfactory for the position. So, your perspective saves face for you. How nice. You can tell people your perspective, and they will believe you, because they don't know any better! (unless they worked with you, I mean).
BUT....if we are looking at weight loss.... it is a little harder to lie. If you say you didn't eat something, and you did.....it's pretty cut and dry. You are lying. And if you are lying to someone else, and they didn't see you, that is one thing. But when you start lying to yourself, you have to ask.....why??? (After all....what you eat in private, shows up in public later.) That is a fact. Eventually, people will know you are overeating. But the question is, why do we feel the need to lie to ourselves when there is no lie about it. You ate it. How can you lie to yourself? And why????
Truth is, I do not have the answer. we all have to find the answers in ourselves. The bottom line is you are either contributing to your greater self, or contaminating your efforts. Whatever the choice, it's all yours.
But if you find yourself beating your head up against a wall, because you cannot achieve whatever goal it is; you really need to stop and ask yourself what is going on? Why can't I face the truth, and what will happen if I start? Will I die? Likely not. (But the pain of the truth might feel like it.)
We need to be living the life that supports what our goals are. I use weight loss as an example, because that seems to carry the most weight as far as an example (pun intended). But you can 'insert issue here' if you'd like. The bottom line is, if you aren't getting what you want, and what you are doing isn't working, you need to change what you are doing!
We all have our struggles, but when you are lying to yourself....that is the first struggle you must overcome! Ask your friends for help if necessary. More often than not, they are watching you and helping you lie, because they love you. But if you actually ask them to tell the truth....I'll bet they can tell you!!!
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