Emotional Vomit

I recently found out that hubby reads my blog.  Probably not all of them, but some of them. (shout out, "Hayyyyy).  I was surprised to hear it.  He's busy and he pretty much knows every thought that flys through my head, usually before I even think it.  It's weird.  But he's a guy.  That happens.

So when he said, to me, "Oh, what you said in your blog....." (it doesn't matter what he says after this, because my brain stopped there.  - at the fact that he actually read my blog.)

This is a guy who looks at my stuff and calls it emotional vomit.  Now, one might be offended by this, but I take it with a grain of salt.  I am the emotional one in the relationship.  He's the rock.  Very rarely does this ever switch.  It's just the way it is.  I can't imagine having two of me in the house.  (I mean full size....yes Avery is growing but she isn't quite 'me' yet).

There is a lot that swirls around in my head every minute of the day.  And just recently, I was told (a few times from different people) that I educate my children well and that I explain things to them regularly.  I was relieved and surprised to hear this, because my inside voice is always yelling at them and being mean.  But apparently, my outside voice (the one outside my head) is the one that is doing the right thing. 

I swear, sometimes it's hard to tell reality from perception in my head.  I think things so often, and am constantly fighting and filtering in my head, it's exhausting.  I think it is this reason that I tend to get disorganized and forgetful. 

I grew up in a family, where watching the boys (and dad) rolling down the hallway in a ball of fists wasn't exactly foreign.  So, that aggression is constantly at the back of my skull trying to get out, while my 'inside voice' works really hard to push it down and keep it in its place.  Does anyone else ever deal with this?  Am I completely alone in the lunacy in my brain?  OY VEY!!!  I feel like I am fighting what I was raised to be.  I'm trying to be a poodle, but I got pitbull blood in me.  (hows that visual)?

So, emotional vomit; youbetcha!  I got it, I got lots of it and I dare say, I'm proud of it!  It's what has enabled me to write what is now my 34th post (wow, really?  YES!).

I don't expect my husband to "get" me.  Not all the time anyways.  I have had  a few conversations with him where he thought I was completely devoid of an answer.  When I told him what was actually going through my mind while I sat their with my blank stare, I actually overwhelmed him with the thought process it took for me to form an answer for him.  He doesn't question my blank stare anymore.  He doesn't care how I get my answer, he just wants one!!!

He is quick; I'm evaluative (this took me YEARS to realize).  He's black and white; I'm 256million colors.  We are different, and we know it.  And if he is sitting here reading my emotional vomit....Babe...I love you...and I'm proud of you!!

Peace Out!