Listen the first time

Kids take over your life.

Most parents know this.

With kids, comes great responsibilities!  As a parent we learn to listen to our kids "with a grain of salt".  Sometimes we take it to heart; other times we dismiss it as, "they're being dramatic".  Well sometimes yes and sometimes no!

My little one tells me she feels she is not being heard and she is frustrated by this.  However, being that she is 8, her ability to articulate isn't exactly mastered.  So she is left to her own devices with what we have provided her to date.  Which, in my opinion, isn't nearly enough.   As parents I think we can always do better, but most of us do the best we can with the training we have been provided, which, is usually...none.  After all...there is no parenting handbook!  Millions of books, but no real "page turner" that answers all those burning questions. 

But, I digress.......

As my 8 year old tries to let on that she is feeling, "unvalued", her way of communicating is simply (and effectively), acting out!  Sometimes it's a tangent, sometimes a meltdown, sometimes a very loud and appropriately placed slam of her bedroom door.  What else is one to do when they aren't feeling heard?

As we ignored many of these signs; things started showing up outside the home; eventually we started hearing things from the teacher (minor offenses, but needs attention).  And, then, on the playground. 

Now...I'm listening! 

I am seeing that a child left to their own devices will cope the best they can with what they have. And if their ability to seek guidance at home is thwarted, they will go to their next option, which is school and 'friends'. 
Thankfully, I have a tight enough network, that while I'm down, and calling out for help, I'm getting even more stories that I do not want to hear! (again, minor offenses, arguments at school...nothing major but needs attention).

Armed with this knowledge I am forced to face the unpleasantries of parenthood.....dissecting the issues!  This is no easy task.  Especially when you haven't been listening effectively to your child.  When you are in it, it's really hard to see at times.  But I guarantee you, there are clues along the way. 

Luckily, when I started opening dialog with my child, and asking other adults who may have witnessed "un-perfect behaviors", I found a pattern that simply showed me that I have not been listening to my child or valuing her enough.  With the support of the teachers, school, parents and my beautiful child, we began re-directing her efforts and showing her that I am listening and that we appreciate her.  You know....the stuff that most all of us would like to hear!?!?!?!  I also found out through all of this, that my child is exquisitely in touch with her feelings and her ability to articulate them in writing is truly amazing to me!  Through all of this, I started encouraging her to write out her feelings and emotions when she is feeling under appreciated (or whenever she wants, for that matter), and I have been thrilled to see what she has been writing.  It's amazing what happens when you actually "see" your child!

As for my other child, when she told me her ear was hurting, I should have listened the first time.  By not listening, I created a "drop everything" moment to take her to the doctors, because by the time I actually "listened" to her, she was now in severe pain!  Bad mommy!

Learn from my mistakes.  When your child tells you something (or even your spouse for that matter), take a moment, look at them, try to see how they feel and hear what they are really saying to you.  By doing that, you will validate them.  And I know for myself, when I feel like someone really hears me, I want to spend more time with and around them!