It's starting to happen.....I can feel lit.... "ASOCIAL BEHAVIOR"........
I have been sitting at my desk so much, and busying myself with so many things that the mere ability to socialize is starting to escape me. At times, I feel myself thinking about work and what needs to be done, and struggling to come up with something to say to those in front of me!
Years ago, when I was having bad anxiety, I had to go on medication (who hasn't at some point, right?). Well, the doctor told me he had to try a different combination of medications to see which one worked best. So, like a guinea pig, he would give me something, send me on my way, and wait for the report. I don't mind being a lab rat, but this was a little unnerving.....
It took me a day or two to realize when the medication was taking place. Most of them are very subtle. When you are dealing with anxiety, it's a tough thing to "play" with to know what your brain needs to calm down. But this one medication in particular, I remember, because as people were talking to me, the thoughts would formulate in my head as to how to respond.....but the response never came. It's like it severed the connection from the thinking to the saying. It was very weird, and when I called the doctor, he stopped that med right away.
It was such an odd feeling to "want" to say something back to my husband (in response to his) and I would just stare at him and not say anything. I wasn't like a "veg" or anything, but I remember knowing that wasn't normal.
My point???? That's kind of how I feel lately.
The schedule is creeping up on my brain, and the overstimulation of my schedule has put my brain into "reserve" mode....or rather "PREserve" mode.
I think we can only handle so much at a time, and if we keep pushing ourselves, our bodies (and minds) will do their best to adapt so we don't lose it.
As it is - when I'm at a party, I am more a watcher, than an engager. It freaks my friend out when she sees me in big groups not talking to people, and at first she would think something is wrong with me (and I'm not saying there isn't). She finally realized, at parties, this is my M.O. She doesn't like it, but she knows now.
I don't know why I'm like that, because God knows I'm not shy. But something happens to me in crowds. My brain doesn't handle overstimulation well, and what inevitably happens is the eyes open and the mouth closes. I am perfectly content to be a fly on the wall. Maybe that is why I love photography. It's a 'witnessing' profession.
But as I think about my current "preserve" state, I'm not terribly worried. I am aware of it and I will correct it. But I do see how busy executives can start cutting out their family time to get stuff done. And I can see how that small wedge can grow into a big valley if it is not attended to and taken care of.
As I looked at my family last night, playing cards with them for the first time, all the time I did not have to spend with them while they were here came flooding back to me. I got a couple verbal reminders too. However, again, both my family and I know that I had no control of my schedule and if I could have changed everything, I would have.
But, now that I recognize this veg state, I need to put into action a reversal. I don't like the feeling of not feeling connected. I look at my husband as though he is a stranger. And though I'm not saying he isn't strange....I do miss him.
This weekend puts an end to the crazy schedule of the past 5 weeks. I'm shooting two weddings back to back (as an assistant, thank God), and come Monday, you may find me in bed with my girls watching movies all day. Or at that beach with my girls enjoying the sun. Who knows???
But, I will start the path to reconnection with those I have missed.
If you are starting to feel the wedge yourself, don't take it for granted. It starts small and grows quickly. Stop yourself, turn it around, take a look at someone you love- look them IN THE EYE and tell them how special they are! They deserve to hear it and you deserve to say it!
Happy Friday!
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