Out with it

I realized two things yesterday; I am freaking out! And my daughter feels it.

The other night at the girlscout house, she decided to sleep next to me, despite my efforts to scoot her over to her friends. She wouldn't have it. She was very clingy on me, so I didn't fight her too much.

Then, yesterday, she had the opportunity to spend the night with the girlscouts - without me, and she said no. I asked why and her response was simply, "I don't know".

So, we left.

On the way home, I asked how she was doing.  She said "Fine".  She isn't much of a talker, but this concerns me.  So, I try to bring it down a notch and up the ante, "Who was your favorite person to play with this time?" and she gave me a name.

Then I asked her why she slept with me the first night, and her response was, "I felt like you needed me".  (ughhh.....)  I said, "Why?"  She said, "I don't know". 

The truth was, I was feeling weird while there.  I have been very emotional lately.  But I was doing my best to hide it and I thought I was doing a good job.

But what I realized (and I think I knew this already) is that she is just as sensitive as me, and I believe she is also a watcher, like me.  She observes subtle differences in people....and then she responds to it.  What a gift.

So many things have been looming lately; and the 3am wakeup calls have been a signal of my stress.  It just all came together in the last few days and showed up with me at the girlscout house.  And I think it happened because I was around my friends (the girlscout leaders), with whom I can let my guard down.

However...I was doubting myself so much, I didn't want to say anything to them for fear of being judged as a whackjob.  Because that is how I feel lately.  Anticipating this; Avoiding that; Trying to accomplish this and that.  It's crazy!!!

It took me a good day to process all my emotions.  And then yesterday at the beach, I finally found the words to get out what I needed to say to my friend.  She listened intently (no laughter or scowls thank God!) and I went over ever issue in my head.  I almost cried, but I held it together. 

In the course of talking it out (pretty much in regards to the blog I wrote a few days ago about making the right decisions and how they affected my friendships, etc...) I got to hear back from her tons of understanding, and even some rationale from her and concerns from her as well. 

As it turns out, these decisions I made in the last year did affect things, only not as negatively as I thought.  However, as change is still in order, the clarity of that came clearer into focus.

I breathed a sigh of relief.   I was so grateful for the conversation and understanding.  I have been feeling like my life is coming to an end with all the decisions I made, but the truth is, we only slightly veered off course, with a chance to right ourselves back in balance.

I told the girls (my mom friends) that my goal this year is to let everyone in our family have a chance at a life.  Last year, I had NO life, because it was catering to the kids all year.  This year, we are pulling in the reigns and everybody's gonna have a bit of "me" time.

Unfortunately for my daughter; she felt my angst.  And on the way home I encouraged her to start finding more descript words to use in conversation.  "I don't know" doesn't hold water and it doesn't open her up to other people.  Not only that; but as she gets older and the hormones take over, she's gonna need a LOT MORE WORDS to explain what's going on with her!!!

So, I'll be working on her articulation, and my younger one's temper, my balance, and husbands happiness.  Just a few things to work towards, right???

But, it can be done.   One day at a time!

Happy Thursday!