Yesterday I got to pick up my car. It had a dent in the bumper and so they put a whole new bumper on for me! I felt a little guilty that they had to scrap a whole bumper on my account, but it is a brand new car, and if for any reason, (which I doubt) that I want to sell it, I want to make sure any dents are ones I actually incurred.
The few days without the car made me appreciate it more. I traded in my minivan (of 11 years....longer than most of my relationships) and upgraded to a vehicle that should suit the whole family.
From the moment I drove it off the lot, I felt like it was meant for me. And I have driven a LOT of cars in my life. None really "did" it for me.
This one does.
And, for some reason, I feel guilty about it.
I wouldn't consider myself a hugely indulgent person. I don't care about getting my hair and nails done. I don't really care to do my makeup unless I have to, and it doesn't bother me if my clothes are a bit wrinkled. I don't really live my life with the fear of how someone will judge me, because I know I try to be the best I can, and I am okay with that.
I feel bad for people who feel they need to primp and preen to be accepted. We are who we are on the inside. I honestly try to look at the inside of people before I judge anyone. I would hope the same from others to me.
So to drive my "mama" van for 11 years was a great honor.
When I took the car in, I ended up with a rental. A Ford Expedition. A very LARGE Ford Expedition.
It's a really nice car. I love how kids can just pile in there. But the car did not fit "me".
Now....I have to take a step back. Because the truth is (as I can now recall), I do care how some people think of me. Because as I was writing this, a day came to my mind, where I was really quite embarrassed at what I had, and it made me reflect on how some people do judge.
I was hired for a job at the St. Regis in Monarch Beach. Ritzy, Glitzy and Glamorous! I was there representing someone else. I was an additional shooter for a very high profile event.
As I pulled up in my mama van, with it's gas smell emanating (that the mechanic swore didn't exist), I asked the valet if there was a self park.
I would be devastated if someone I just photographed saw me drive up, or away in that van. It was expressly for motherhood....not professional purposes.
I realized right then and there, that I had to start thinking more about my future.
Though I'm not a judgemental person. People judge. And in some cases....it does matter.
My goal is to be a "professional". And for me, that has to encompass more than just how I look when I come to a job.
For many years, I have been perfectly content in my "mom" role. But as my kids are getting older, I am realizing I need to start putting myself more in the front of the bus (so to speak).
If I want to be portrayed as a professional, I need to BE a professional, and start shedding some of that "mom" exterior. You know the one....no makeup, hat to hide the bad hair day....etc.....
So I think for me, what this car represents is a new and more "forward" me.
When we dumped the expedition back to pick up my car....we all got in with a sigh of relief. It's a new home for all of us. I guess we all needed to grow up a little bit.
I was talking to Aspen on the way home (Avery went with Chris) and I asked her, "What is your favorite part of the car?" She said, "I love how I can roll down the windows, and I like that the a/c controls are right by us and the seats are really comfortable.
And as I turned around to glance at her, she sat in a most demure position, with her feet up on the seat as if she were on a couch watching a movie. She was very at home.
So, yes, I'm a mixed bag. Not really caring what others think, while being very conscious of what others think. It's a good balance that I am happy with. I really needed something to propel me forward from my "stuck-ness".
And as a result....I took my family with me!
Happy Saturday!
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