Nuthin'

Some days I wake up and I sit down to write, and the only thing that comes to mind is;
I got NUTHIN'.

Truth is, I never "got nuthin".  I just don't know what to bring to the surface to write about.

I'm in my head 24/7; constantly analyzing this and that.  It's pretty annoying.  Sometimes, I hear myself talking to people and I don't love what comes out of my mouth.

I know we are all in our heads, because there is no where else for us to go.  But there are times I feel like my life is like a piece of string cheese, and I'm constantly picking it apart; never letting it be.  As if my worrying an analyzing will fix anything.

When I was younger our family would gather in the car and go places.  I remember from the back seat of the car I would watch my dads hands on the steering wheel.  I used to examine how strong his hands were, where he used to place them on the wheel, and over the years, I would watch as his hands would age.

I was painfully aware that my parents would not be around forever.  I and I worried about what I would do when they would pass.  I was so over the top, I would listen to songs over and over, crying, hoping they would never die.  It was pretty awful. 

The bottom line is; there is nothing I could do about it.

Now; nearly 12 years after my dads passing, I look back at all that worry.  My heart is broken, because my dad isn't here to know my kids; or advise me on my life.  It was going to happen no matter what, and no matter how many years I committed to worrying about it, wasn't going to change a thing.  Yet, I couldn't ever get it out of my head.

Now, it's very possible that this all comes down to control.  There really is no control.  So to worry about it is ridiculous.

Or.....it comes down to faith.

I remember the day my dad died.  I was right by his side with my sister and my mom.  Though I thought my life would come to an end when I was a girl, worrying about it; I stood there by his side; knowing his suffering had passed, and I felt at peace.

Our future was still uncertain.  We weren't sure what was going to happen with mom, or where she would live or how she would handle it; but I knew at that very moment, as I stood there with my dad, that my heart felt light, and he was fine.  It was a very powerful moment for all of us.  We got through it together.

And we were all fine.

We weren't great.  But, all the worry that I put into trying to make things stop didn't work.  And I survived. 

It's really hard fighting things that are swirling around in your head.  There are times you can quiet them; and times they take over your life.

I have gotten better at managing them, but I never "got nuthin".  I'm just not sure sometimes where to start.....

Happy Tuesday