Ooohhhh....what a lovely mix in our weather today! It's very fall-like outside. Cold, a little windy, and threatening clouds outside. The breeze is blowing papers off my desk and the cold breeze is hitting me in the face as I write! How fun. I like it!
Yesterday I was at a friends house at a last minute barbecue. They are friends I don't socialize with much, but have fun hanging out with, because it's just a low key no frills thing. I can always handle that!
As we were sitting and chatting, the lightening started. I will never get used to lightening or thunder. Sometimes I love it, sometimes....not so much! But last night as we all sat in the back yard and talked (Husbands and wives), it added to the ambiance in the background of our conversations.
As we were leaving, the girls begged to spend the night. I said, sure, as long as it was no bother. These are kids my girls rarely see, and I can't remember if they have had a sleepover, so it was a little exciting for them. It's also the very last few days before school, so why not!
As soon as the girls hunkered for a movie, we started to pack up and leave. Aspen was a little surprised that we were leaving "so quick". All of a sudden she seemed a little less excited to spend the night. She wanted me to stay for a bit. But I told her it was late and we were tired and we had to go. I talked her into just sitting down with the other girls and the movie and she reluctantly left me.
I felt bad, because I wanted to take her home. And if she insisted, then I wouldn't have hesitated. She just needed a little encouragement to settle in an get comfortable.
I mentioned before how my fears have seemingly been projected on to her. But since then, I have backed off, and changed my approach to one of more excitement. However, it is possible that the damage is done, and that her insecurities have bubbled to the top.
She has been very clingy on me lately; can't get enough hugs and kisses. I ask her every time "what's up?" and she just says, "I just love you so much!" (hard to argue with that one).
But I know that with my anxiety issues, that for a few years, I was living in a private hell of not wanting to tell anyone how I felt for fear that I would "infect" them with my thoughts. So I didn't talk to anyone, and I couldn't live in the moment to save my life, because I was so afraid of everything, that I could barely breathe.
I functioned totally fine. But no one knew, because at that time, I wasn't even sure how to articulate it. All I knew was, I thought the world was coming to an end every single moment of the day!
I do not want my children suffering like I did. However, I already see signs.
And when hormones kick in, to a young child who can barely process 'pre-hormonal life', I am very worried. When I think of all the years I said nothing to anyone, not realizing that it didn't have to be that way......
as if life isn't hard enough without added issues...........
I see a lot of conversations in my future. I actually realized that most of my therapy came from awareness, I decided this morning that I will be making a journal for my girls. And they will involve a feelings chart! When they journal, I want them to connect to their emotions, so they can figure out a course to make their situations better.
I deal with 50 and 60 year old people who have no idea the difference between their feelings of disgust and disdain.......because they never really thought about how necessary it is to pinpoint the difference.
Awareness is key. How can you fix it if you don't know what "it" is! Right?
I can't prevent my kids from having nasty experiences; but I can throw as much awareness at them to arm them with the necessary tools to get over or at least manage what they are going through.
So, my task today is to start with a 'feelings' sheet and to get them a journal to write in.
And when I pick up my munchkins, we are going to have a nice in depth conversation and hopefully, help them feel a bit more secure in who they are.
Happy Monday!
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