Roadmap, anyone?

Sometimes I wish I had a clear road map that would show me which direction will end me up 'here'.

Sometimes I worry that the wrong decision will mess everything up, and then I am left with a feeling of dread that I can't shake. Which is why I was up at 3am again.

We have made some decisions in the last few years that have changed the direction of our lives. Not that they were bad decisions. Just decisions that, ya know....changed everything.

And now I am seeing, I ended up 'here'.

But, what if we chose differently? And is where we are any better or worse than if we went in that other direction?

Sometimes I feel that I base my choices on "it's now or never", and I pull the trigger. And I think I am doing it for the right reasons. Making the best possible choices for the kids that we can make. But more often than not, I find myself looking back and saying, "why were you so stressed about it?" or "Why did you feel that decision was so important right then. It could have waited."

My hope is that the 'right' decisions will benefit my kids and family. And as yet....the jury is out. I am seeing some fallout and it makes me uncomfortable with my decisions. But there is no turning back now.

The other day, I went for my massage with the lady who told me to write. I felt like Julia Roberts going back to Katut in India. She didn't remember our previous conversation (what - it was only 2 years ago!) but she was really happy for me. She is a lovely lady.

But we got to talking and I brought up some issues I am concerned about, and she redirected my energy. She said, "Instead of worrying about what might happen, focus on what you want to see. BRILLIANT. I will try it.

I left feeling very hopeful. It made sense. I was so stuck in what 'could' be, that I forgot to look at the possibilities of the good.

I cannot control everything, and I cannot go back and undo my choices. I can, however, redirect my energy toward the positive. I need to 'own' my choices. I made them, I need to live with them. Even if they wake me up at 3am.

I also need to give less weight to the consequences. Yes, there were consequences....and they feel like a 10. But in the scheme of things; they are more like a 5. If I bring it down a notch, it might not hurt as much. (but it still wakes me up at 3am and I am NOT GOOD with disrupted sleep!) But, whatever!

My energy will be positive going forward, and I will 'act as if' until I feel it.

Nobody died. I'm going with that today. I can't change the fact that I will make not so perfect choices....but until that road map shows up in my life....I will do the best I can.

Happy Tuesday