The Role of a Parent

I found a book called "The Price of Privilege".    It talks about how material advantage is creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids.

I was intrigued by the title and started reading, and I was floored. 

As a parent, we have to be aware of our society and what it offers our kids.  We also have to be aware of what it is doing to our kids. 

From the very first soccer game my child went to, we played the scores "fun to fun".  Meaning, we didn't want to disappoint our children if they "a-hem......lost".   God forbid our children learn disappointment from an early age.

Not that I don't appreciate how they are trying to boost their tiny, fragile little egos.  But the trend seems to continue in our society.

My daughter recently came home insisting she get a feather in her hair.  I thought it was cute, but couldn't just run out and grab one, so she had to sit tight.  The longer we waited, the more I started thinking about how important this is in reality.....vs.....perception.

She perceives it to be important based on what she sees of all her friends.  In reality, it's a feather that, once in her hair, will be forgotten in a day or two.   So, in this instance, I will let my daughter(s) be disappointed for a while.  Her demand for it is waning, and my attention to it is non existent.

It's times like these that are great moments to let our kids know that we have to make choices in life.  My roll as a parent is to evaluate all sides and make the best decision for me and my child. 

What is happening in the Price of Privilege is as we are buying "stuff" for our kids....it is distracting them from finding value in life and little things.  They are left feeling empty and void of purpose.  And we, as parents are not doing anything to reverse this.  As a result, the children are turning their pain inward and doing terrible things to themselves, just trying to escape the pain. 

Children are simply not being equipped with emotional satisfaction.  Boredom is unknown to them, because they are so filled with distractions, cell phones, electronic games, TV’s computers, etc….. simple communication is lost on them.  Socializing skills?  Fughetaboutit!!!!

I have a rule with my kids; unless we are in the car for more than 2 hours, there is no need to have anything other than a book in the car.  AND....there are no electronics allowed at the dinner table (especially, a restaurant).  When I see kids with electronic devices at restaurants, I see two parents who don't want to "deal" with their kids.  Boredom is a skill!!!!!

I see my husband struggling sometimes, because he can't stand seeing his girls unhappy.  Mostly, because he doesn't want to "hear" the upset - so he obliges them more than he should.  But what he fails to see is that over the years, the girls have gotten wiser to his ways, and they will simply whine a little bit longer until they get their ways.   But, he is getting wiser too.....  He lets me deal with them and he goes into his office. 

Their upset doesn't bother me.  It's life.  I am their parent.  I am not their friend. 

It is a delicate balance to stay in your child’s life as they get older.  Trust is the most important thing.  They need to trust you enough to talk to you.  Your reaction has to be 'just so', so as to not scare them away.  Your advice can't be too much.  It needs to be just enough, so they will want to come back for more.

It's a very hard skill to master.  I'm currently in the arena of trying to woo my kids to tell me stuff.   This year has been a lot of fine tuning for me.  I have trained my kids that while in the car, driving them to dance, it's "our time".  I ask them about school and we talk, and I do NOT answer my phone.  (And if I do, I'm quickly reminding I am in default!)

It is during those times when my kids feel safest to 'dish'.  This is my time to connect to them and find out what is going on in their lives when we aren't together.  It is my time to counsel them on their issues.  It is my time to build their trust. 

I was surprised when Aspen came to me in my office and told me about a situation at school.  Something happened and it bothered her.  She had no idea how my heart leapt out of my chest - that she would randomly share this with me.  She was waiting for my reaction.  I was calm, and explained the many facets of screwed up kids and how what she witnessed was sad, but I was so glad she shared it with me.  Outside of the car.  I'm getting her trust.  My heart is happy.

I do want my children to have privileges.  But they need to have disappointments too.  They are quickly realizing that their choices have consequences.  And when they are at a crossroads, we do our best to talk them through making the best decision for them.  But also making them realize that they will have to pay the price one way or the other for their decision.  Which price are they willing to pay?

Parenting isn't about saving our children from disappointments.  It is about raising our children and making them great contributors to our society.  It is about raising them up, and dusting them off when they fall. 

If we save them every time, we are setting them up to fail.  Some of the most successful people in life came from squalor.  They had hunger to succeed, because they had been in the trenches.  Oprah Winfrey, Tom Cruise, Celine Dion just to name a few that come to mind. 

Our children do not know hunger.  Our children do not know sacrifice.  But our children can be taught compassion.  They can be taught value.  They can be taught by example.

I will do my best to allow my children privileges, but I will also allow them disappointments.  I want them to have purpose in life and make good decisions. 

I will remind them that though I would like to be their friend and give them everything they want; I am their parent and will provide them with everything they need.  Whether they agree with my version of need or not…is irrelevant!

I would love to hear how you are connecting with your kids.  What’s worked….what hasn’t! 

Happy Friday!!!!