Ideals, Hopes...and reality....

Thanksgiving.... a time to give thanks for what we have!
But what do you do with your hopes on Thanksgiving?
Your ideals?

What if you have this ideal that everything will be perfect, and everyone will come together, and there will be not conflict? But it doesn't happen?

For years our family has been chipping apart. Lives change, opinions get stronger, and many don't align. Inevitably; things start to fall apart if they aren't worked on.

As we get older, our filters become less and less. Until you start spewing whatever comes to mind. That is what makes older people interesting.  And sometimes not.

I had hopes that yesterday would be fine. I came with my mouth shut, hopes high and focused on the children.

I left in tears, because I couldn't help what I felt and for the sake of the children, I thought it best to remove myself. But it was too little too late, because they saw me crying and I can't undo that.

I remember when we were children. We didn't always get along, but we were all we had. Five kids. Three boys, two girls. Our parents worked a lot, so we were left to our own devices a lot. The smaller ones looked up to the bigger ones for guidance. We followed their lead (We had no choice -I was #4 out of 5) My oldest brother taught me how to break into our house when it was locked and no one was home. He also taught me to climb on the roof of the house.

I idolized him. He was the end all, be all. He knew everything.

I wore his clothes to school, and listened to everything he said. I even got sent to the principals office for repeating a joke he told to his friends! (I remember the joke; I deserved to go to the principal). All I knew was he told it and everyone laughed. And if I told it, then I would be just like him.

Fast forward a few decades and life is drastically different. We hardly talk and our lives are completely different.  His beliefs are way different than mine. So much so that it is hard to be together at all.

I do my best not to judge, but it is so hard. But I'm sure he judges me too. We are just different now. Our life choices have led us down very different paths.

So to come together on Thanksgiving and get along and be jovial might be a little bit of a stretch. Maybe it's not fair of me to hope it will be better. But  I do. I did. I was wrong.

I left my moms in tears. I couldn't hold back my thoughts and my frustrations got the best of me. I excused myself and went home.

I didn't want to bring down Thanksgiving, but I guess I did. My hopes were dashed, my heart a bit crushed, and I'm probably the one to blame. Simply because history dictates much, and I chose to ignore.

One thing I am thankful for....I am my fathers daughter. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

Happy Friday