action/reaction

Feeling a bit introspective and removed today.  I think I just hit the wall of "overdo".   As they say; stick a fork in me, I'm done!

I kind of feel like that right now.  It's definitely time to take a step back and possibly a step down.  But from what?  I'm looking at my plate and nothing can be easily removed.  I find that happens often.  I'm pretty sure if I took my blood pressure right now, the read wouldn't be smiling back at me.  I'm sure it would have something more of a "humph" face.

I am thankful for my anxiety for one reason; it made me realize I can somewhat control my feelings.  Not necessarily how I feel, but how I react. 

I over process when I'm talking to someone.  My brain is going a million miles a minute; sometimes anticipating what one will say, or trying to figure out what they will need from me.  If it's a need thing, then I need to anticipate my reaction.  If I react immediately, I will inevitably regret it.  While if I wait, I'm usually better off. 

But my mouth usually wants to react right away. 

This is where my training has kicked in.  And while still nowhere near a master, I'm more mastered than I was in the past.

I'm very low on patience.  And I feel that it is apparent to everyone I know.  But I have found out that the damage I'm doing in my head, doesn't always cross my lips.  And for that, I thank God.

If one is to get into a verbal argument with me, you will see me refrain from soooo much.   Maybe even remain quiet.  I seriously fear saying something I will regret.  And as I am very reactionary, I have much regret in my life.

Thankfully, over the years, the filters have creeped in a bit, and I choose my responses more carefully.  Not always, but more often than I used to.

I have many things going on in my mind lately, and I'm nearly starting to feel my eyes start twitching (not exaggerating), yet I do my best to restrain myself.

So, in this time of wanting to blow up; I'm hoping you see a smile and nothing more.  Because those who have seen "something more" can attest to the not so pretty side of me.  And they would tell you so.....if we still talked.......

Happy Sunday.