These dreams.....

Ever have dreams that are like, "WHOA...where'd THAT come from?

Apparently I am angry and taking it out on small children.  Only not my own.  And none that I see very often.  I was just unhappy with everything in my dream.  It was really weird and really random.

And the stuff I was getting angry over was just the stupidest stuff.

Though I would like my dreams analyzed, I'm not sure I would be happy with what I heard.  And I am not sure I would buy into it. 

But have you ever had a dream that you still 'feel' when you wake up???

I remember one time I had a dream I saw my husband with another woman.  I woke up and I literally punched him.  In his sleep he said, "What was that for?"  I said, "You cheated on me!"  He simply said, "You're weird" and went back to sleep!

Such is my life. 

I'm guessing I know where it came from.   I have had a lot on my mind; and recently I had a conversation with a friend how I yelled in front of a bunch of people.  It really bothered me, because in my mind, I wasn't so loud, but in hers I was.  And as I don't totally remember all the details; the fact that she could be right didn't set well with me at all.

My biggest fear is yelling and making an ass out of myself.   And as my patience level is less than stellar, I tend to lose it some times.  But I try so hard not to.

This recent conversation didn't set well with me.  So I think it settled into my dreams, because I was either yelling at kids (in a group) or having an argument with a small child who was being difficult (yes I blame her).

Isn't it funny how our mind processes stuff. 

I have realized that my inability to 'call it on the spot' causes me to process every angle of a discussion before I can make a decision.

This drives  my husband crazy.

One day he asked what I wanted to eat.  (we were out and about).  I told him I didn't know.  Then he got frustrated and he said, "You can NEVER make a decision..."  So I let him have it...

I said, "Well, it's not that I don't have something  in mind, it's just that I know that you and I don't like the same sort of food, so I was wondering if I wanted to contemplate a drive through - which I don't think you would want - or a sit down place.  And as I know you don't like places like Denny's, I am wondering, based on the direction we are going, what will be in our path.  And I'm not sure if you are in the mood for sushi, a steak or just a burger, so I'm trying to figure out a few options before I pick a place to eat.  And in the end, it won't really matter, because no matter what I choose your response to me will inevitably be, "Well we COULD go 'there' ....or we can go HERE", and you will choose the place anyways, so I'm no quite sure what to say!!!"

He fell silent.

Though it looks like nothing is going on in my head, I'm more a little "whack" than people think.  I'm always in my head, analyzing and over analyzing.  I just don't voice it very often, because most of it is boring to others.

My sister always thought I was funny and she was anxious to introduce me to her friends.  And she was always bewildered when I had no personality in front of new people.  It's like I was a dog, and I was supposed to perform a trick or something.

She asked why I was so reserved in front of new people.  I finally told her; "I don't know them, their personality, or if they can handle the barrage of  F-bombs that may come flying out of my mouth.  So I reserve myself until I know they can handle me and will show up for seconds..."  I'm not sure she ever really understood that.

I am very reserved with new people and I appropriate myself to their personality.  Because truth be told.... a truckers mouth isn't invited everywhere.

But I still slip.

I'm only human.

So, that said, I will be "feeling" my dream for a while until I can let it go.  It will bother me, but there is nothing I can do about it, but apologize (in my mind) to those I yelled at.  And in truth, I'm looking at the scenarios wondering how I could have handled it better.........in my dream......

Could be a long day.

Happy Saturday

Unfiltering....

So, this morning I get up and I tool around and I realize I haven't even thought about my blog.

I sit in front of the computer waiting something to come to me and nothing really hits me.  Not writers block, just don't feel like there is anything interesting enough to put 'to paper'.

I could tell you how my daughter is sitting across from me eating the rest of the chocolate birthday cake, right off the cardboard (I told her she needs to finish it or I'm throwing it away, because I cannot control myself when cake is in the house....2nd one this week, thank you).

Or, I could tell you I just finished my Cereal and working on my coffee while this constant pain (that I will call sciatica) is running down my right leg.

But none of that is very interesting.....

I can tell you that I told a friend she needs to do some unfiltered writing.

Do you realize how much we filter ourselves throughout the day?  If someone walks by and they are wearing an ugly dress and ask, "What do you think of my new outfit?"  If you were to tell the truth, you'd likely be wearing coffee in your lap; so  you say something safe like, "It's a great color for you!"  Not exactly a lie, but you filtered yourself from saying, "GIRL...it hits you in all the wrong spots and makes your butt look WAY bigger than it is!"

We all do it.

But the problem is, when we filter ourselves, we really don't 'allow' ourselves the real truth.

But we have to filter.  No one REALLY wants to know what we are thinking!  They really don't!  So most of the time it's not worth it!  So we filter.

I believe we get to a point where we literally and automatically stop ourselves.

So, what I try to convince people to do, is take 20 - 30 minutes and sit down; either with paper, or computer and start writing.

I don't care if you start with "This paper is blank.  What a stupid exercise"  start with whatever enters your mind.

EVERY TIME I HAVE DONE THIS I WAS SURPRISED WITH WHAT I WROTE!!!

And I had no idea how I felt about things, really, until I did my unfiltered writing exercise.

You know, it's commonly known that a first draft never makes it to the final destination.  It usually goes through numerous rewrites and sometimes hits the cutting room floor before anyone ever sees it.

This blog I do, is pretty unfiltered.  But then again, I'm pretty unfiltered myself, so no big surprise.

Of course it is important to be "PC"  or politically correct to our public.  However we do have genuine feelings that should be validated if by no on other than ourselves.

Take some time and do this exercise.  You will be interested in what you have to say.

And feel free to share.

I don't judge.

Happy Friday

Taking Score

I am about to throw myself under the bus big time!!!  But I need some feedback to I'm putting this out there.......

I suck as a parent.

Ever feel that way?

Yesterday was Aspen's birthday.  She was gone all day with friends and then to dance.  So I dropped her at 10:30 and didn't see her until 8:30 last night.

I spent the day with Avery.  We had a really nice time (or so I thought).

We went to the Spectrum and had lunch at Cheesecake factory; just me and her.  I was telling her during lunch how moments like this were extremely rare for me as a child; Being one of five kids, I practically never got one on one time with my parents.  And when I did, it felt a little awkward, because I never knew what to say to my parents.  (No surprise when you don't spend much time with them).

I told her about a time my dad woke me up and said, "Let's go take pictures".  We went to Santiago Oaks Park and then we went to the top of Nohl Ranch Road to get pictures of the view. 

It was a big deal......

Avery said, "Well, we are only two kids, so it's easier for you". I told her that was true.  But times are totally different now.  Nowadays we don't have a choice BUT to get to know our kids, because the way kids are raised nowadays is totally different.  Back when I was a kid (yes, I said it again), kids practically raised themselves.  They went off to play with their friends and they got their by bike, skateboard, or feet!!!  Parent's didn't really drop kids off like they do nowadays.

There was very little parents HAD to do compared to today.

My point was, she was lucky to have one on one time with me and I was really enjoying our one on one time because we haven't done that in a really long time!!!

I truly think she was unfazed....  But that is okay.  I knew how special it was and we were having a good time.

After lunch, we did a little bit of shopping.  We got special nail polish and little fun things we can take on our trip.

After that, we came home and chilled out for the afternoon and later went to the park so she could ride her bike and I could walk the dogs.

As Aspen was dancing until 8, we had her present ready to go at the table;  Avery helped me put it together.  The first think she noticed and said to me was, "Why does Aspen get a bag for her present and I didn't?"

Apparently this is a big deal....

I told her I was reusing a bag from HER birthday! 

Just so you know, I think Avery got the store bag.  Aspen got a gift bag.

And this is where I suck as a parent.

I talked about this a little bit last week, but now that the pie is in my face I am looking at it in hindsight (where I seem to live my life).

Truth is; if Chris didn't press me to get them gifts to hand them ON their birthday; then it wouldn't happen.  Because in my mind, you get the presents when the party happens.  As they were having two parties, I had to chances to 'gift' them.

But apparently in Chris' house they gave a hoot and they were celebrated ON their birthdays.

However, it wasn't enough to celebrate them on their birthdays.....a bag would have made it SO MUCH BETTER!!!

Now, I'm one of two girls.  And I believe my sister did a lot of comparing when we were growing up.  She was really good at taking score.  I think I recall her wanting to send a note to our parents about getting 'cheated' at Christmas.

Kids just compare.

What else do they have to do?  Their world is so small and they have such limited information they need to worry about that when it comes to their parties and their gifts, they are cleaning house and taking names.

I'm pretty certain I have scarred my children in regards to their birthdays.  But I DID remind Avery that Aspen did NOT have a one on one lunch and afternoon with me and I thought that was pretty special. 

Though she listened, I could tell she didn't care.

I must remember this.

And though I'm not saying I should make sure they get whatever they want; I SHOULD remember that they are taking score. 

I apologized to Avery for sucking as her mother.  But I told her I'm not perfect.  And that though she didn't get a bag, it doesn't mean I don't love her.  It's just not my thing.

I love when my birthday is a big surprise, so you would think I would embellish that on others.  But my brain does not really compute when it comes to parties and celebrations.  I have blogged about this before.

But I can work on something.   At least making them feel a little more special; like the world is a better place with them here.  Because it is.

From a sucky parent,
Happy Thursday

It's hard to believe that it's been 12 years since I brought my daugther home.  My first child.

I have so many memories of her as a baby.  She was so easy going and smiled all the time.  She would stare people down until they looked at her and then she would smile.  She was hard to resist.

She was a chunky, cute, blue eyed angel.  Everyone loved her. 

Now to look back on her pictures it seems a blink of an eye that my first born is now 12 years old. 

I have heard my mom say, "Where does the time go?"  Unfortunately when you are a mom of children and your time is not your own, you ask that question a LOT!!!  But when a birthday comes along, it kind of smacks you in the face!!

She is independant and amazing. She has a great sense of humor (she gets from me, of course) and she is compassionate. In 4th grade, I was approached by many teachers who complimented Aspen's ability to work with the differently abled. This past year, she got an award in her class for making a difference and when I thanked the teacher for her nomination, she said, "She deserves it. She is the first one to help this kid in the class when he struggles". I know the child to whom she was referring. He's mainstreamed but struggles with attention and frustration. It warms my heart that my child could turn a blind eye, but instead it's a no-brainer to step up and help another.

As I look at my 12 year old I can honestly say I am so proud.  She aspires to her future in dance.  She couldn't wait to get on pointe.  And she has plans for her future.  She is so NOT like me!!!

I know most of us are really proud of our children.  But I think sometimes that comes as a bit of a surprise.  For years I have watched other peoples' families and seen their children grow.  I have watched them intently, because I have been told by many, "Oh...just wait; you have NO idea what you are in for".  And though I'm sure that is true; I have seen many families where it's not so bad.  It just is what it is, so they say.

But I know at this moment, my daughter is on the right track.  She is way more than I imagined her to be. 

And I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least a bit nervous.  As kids get older, they stray from their parents more.  As my daughter is in her last tween year, I can feel it coming in my bones.  But I have high hopes that my child will just be a bigger version of what she is today. 

A kind, caring, compassionate, talented and amazing girl!

Happy Birthday to a girl I am so proud to call my daughter!
I love you Aspen!!!

Sieze the day

As a photographer you are invited in to to document peoples' lives.  I have been blessed to do this for many years.  I'm extremely passionate about it and I try to share my passion with everyone.

I have documented the first moments of life and in many cases, I took the last good picture of some who have passed.

This morning I got a call. 

My heart is heavy.  A little girl I photographed at a wedding passed away.  She drowned.  People were present and saw and heard nothing. 

The little girl was wearing a vest and swam for a couple of hours at the community pool with her mother.  She decided she was done but as her mother was breastfeeding their new baby, she asked the daughter to give her a few minutes and they would leave. 

Unknown to the mother, the daughter took off her vest and decided to go into the jacuzzi.  When they found her it was too late.

As it turned out there were a couple of teenagers in the jacuzzi and they swore they heard and saw nothing. 

I believe them.

Because it happened to us!

One night many years ago, my sister and I were visiting in the jacuzzi at our community pool, and having a nice conversation.  Her son  (3 or 4 yrs old) was right next to us playing around in arms length of us.  He was safe, right?  

You would think.

But as we were talking we realized we didn't hear him so we turned around and he was completely submerged trying to get up.  And despite his efforts of kicking and flailing, we heard nothing.

My sister pulled him to safety, but I think we were both scarred at that point.  He could have drowned right by us and we wouldn't have known the difference. 

Now keep in mind; as we were talking; it was night and we were the ONLY ones at the pool.  And we still heard nothing.....

I know these teens will never forget what happened that day.  And I know the mother will forever regret asking her daughter to wait.  For her, my heart is broken.

I got a call this morning to provide an image from a wedding that was a lovely rendition of this little girl with her family. 

This is not the first time I have gotten a call like this. 

This is why I know how precious life is, and why I am so passionate about photography.

I'm not a huge planner.  I have a bunch of short term goals and no 5 year plan.  I have never had a 5 year plan.  To me 5 years will never come - ever. 

I have today.

I treasure today!

Today I will be printing an image of a beautiful little girl who dressed up one day for a wedding. I will be printing it as a final memory for her family.

I documented her life.  I'm thankful I have that. 

My prayers go out to her family that they won't live in regret, but will celebrate her memories.

New things

Yesterday was pretty nice.  We had the grandparents over for birthday celebrations.

The girls birthdays are within a week of each other so we pool the efforts and have a bbq.

The second bday celebration for both of them.

Aspen's birthday is this week and we will likely plan a day out this week for her. 

I was going to sign them up for camp, but both are dancing a number of hours already and didn't want to add anymore this week.  Fair enough.

I don't mind them having the week off. It's easier on me too.  Well...sort of.  I still get to hear them say, "I'm bored" or "What are we doing this week?" or "What's for lunch?"

Ever hear that before???

As I don't have as much on my plate this week it will free me up to do a few more fun things.
And as I took off the summer from WW, I'm super happy to have this option for my kids.

This summer has been a lot more relaxing and I feel like I am not running in as many directions.  I had no idea how stretched I was before.  It's a shame that something massive has to happen to be the wake up call.

I went to weigh in yesterday and saw some of the gals I have worked with.   It was a little awkward for me because I literally felt like I just disappeared from them without explanation.  Same with my members.

But seeing them was so nice, because these are also my friends. 

My plan to get back on track turned out pretty well.  I left myself room to celebrate, but reserved myself the rest of the day.  All is well.   Today I started the day by juicing.  It's actually not just the juice; I got the Nutribullet and made a smoothie for breakfast. 

In the past I didn't really believe in these because when you put food in liquid form, you are changing the natural state of the food and it absorbs much quicker and totally differently than if you chew it.

But as I'm trying to mix things up, I'm giving this a try at least a few time in the week and we will see what happens. 

HOWEVER....I'm kind of attached to chewing my food as I feel that is the major part of the experience, right?  But I want to break my old habits, so here I am.  I'll keep you posted.

I would tell you what I put in it, but it's early as I write and I don't want you to lose your most recent meal.  But I can eat cardboard and be happy with it if it has nutritional value, so there you are.

I'm off to get started on my day.  I have a few things planned and if I finish early, I'm off for an adventure.  Just not sure what that adventure is yet.

Happy Monday.

Choose # 1

As I write, I am in a weight watchers meeting waiting for it to start. I have been stuck for a few months where I am at. No big surprise as I can. Arely breathe with my life, but I keep wondering; WHY is putting myself first such a struggle. And what does putting myself first, exactly mean???

I feel like I am always first because I am always 'doing'. And I don't really have time to think about 'me' specifically. But the truth is, more often than not, I am in service to someone else. And though my family benefits from my service...what do I get from my efforts other than stretched thin.

This summer I had a major AHA moment when I had an episode of vertigo. I had no control of my body for a couple of days and had to rely on the kindness of others to help me walk straight.

You are. Ever so humbled until you need someone's help. It is extremely uncomfortable, yet really comforting.

But still it is a place you never want to be.

When this happened to me, it came on right after a stressful incident. And when I put the pieces together, I realized I had let myself go. Funny thing was- it was apparent to everyone around me BUT me!!!

So when I looked at my life, I realized the events that led up to my illness was directly related to putting myself last on the list.

Big surprise!!!

As a Weight Watchers leader I preach to my members to put themselves first. And they nod and shake and say yes ma'am!!! But like me, many have no idea what that means exactly.

I mean... We know... We just don't 'knooowwww'.

Jack canfield is an excellent speaker. He said something once that resounded with me; Do five things a day that go towards your goal".

Now if your goal is to make yourself first... Where does that start??
For me it is my health. Which means exercise and eat right. I hate exercise so how do I convince myself to do it?

I used to run 5 miles 3 days a week. But since putting everyone else first I am lucky if I get in 1. The one thing I can say though is; I remember how it felt to be done with the workouts. I remember how good it felt to look in the mirror and like what I saw. I remember how much easier it was to handle stress. And I now know that putting myself last has made a negative impact on me and those around me.... So I think the first thing that needs to happen is a goal. I need to know how I want to feel. And as I have that history, I can tap in to how I felt. The trick will be making the schedule fit the goal. And that is where most get lost. When I was at my most focused: my every choice was based on my goal. So if my goal is clear as crystal, it should be easy to do five things a day based on my goal. Sometimes we have to go based on faith until we get there. But if we know what we want, the choice should should be easier. My whole goal is to become what I used to be. And thankfully as I have that history, I can feel where I am going. It is up to me to make that choice daily. No one said it would be easy. But the benefits definitely outweigh the risks!!! Happy Sunday