Delivery of a performance

There is such a journey to performing.  Getting the dance down is step one!  You may think it is the hardest part, but you are wrong. There is a whole language to delivering  dance. The first step is learning the movement.  But that is literally the ABC of the dance.  After that is the words, which is the intention of the movement, and then sentences and paragraphs are the emotion of the intention of the movement. As we prepare for our dance this weekend, I feel we have only learned the movement. Now, this is no disrespect to our teacher, because he has explained the communication of the dance.   But I think for a lot of us, we were stuck in the mechanics of it all and haven't totally moved past that. And as we move into our final competition,  I think we need to work on "bringing it" with the intention and the emotion of it all. But can we do it? At this time, I am not sure we have the background, motivation to bring it all forward.  And I gotta admit.... I am concerned, In our dance, we are excited, because we are there to celebrate!  As the dance progresses, we become more intense, until we get to the end where we are angry and ready to throw down.  This is where the Krump section comes in. I really badly want to deliver this piece with intention, but I fear my insecurities in my ability will cause me to be less than capable of pulling the facials necessary to 'bring it'. If you know our teacher, then you will know that each one of us wants to bring it for him.  But if there is a mental block on any level, then we are in trouble. I remember the question actors ask, "What's my motivation?".  I know for me, I need a motivation to go on. I will be thinking about that as I don't want all my pictures to look like my last performance....all the same........ I have seen some great performances from some of our teams.  And a huge component of that is based on the fact that I knew what each dancer was trying to convey in there dance based on their movement, intention and facial expressions.   If you are missing any of those components, the message won't be delivered. I think what we need to do, is realize this is a stage.   And a stage + hip hop = Go BIG or go HOME!!!   After seeing some of these performers I am realizing it is time to go BIG! Whatever I can do to entice the audience and bring them in is what I will do!! And I can say that now.....because I am writing this from the comfort of my own bed.   When reality hits.... Who knows what will happen. Please wish us luck!! Happy Saturday!

Let's go ladies....

I'm up and eating eggs and making coffee.  I have an 8am appointment and then I gotta come home and pack for Palm Springs. 

I'm mostly ready, but what is different this time is instead of just making sure the girls are packed for their competitions.....I have to pack for MY competition too!! (GULP)

This is a new one on me; and I just remembered yesterday.....and then I giggled.

For a moment there I felt absurd about the whole thing.  I mean, what responsible non-dance mom wouldn't?  This is TOTALLY out of our comfort zone, and the nationals competition is for kids!

So why are we doing this???

Well, in the famous words of my daughter (lately)......why WOULDN'T we do this???

In the beginning, I think most of us just started as though it were all a prank.  It was supposed to be a big surprise for our kids and they weren't supposed to see ANY of it until we showed up on stage.

But as we are at the studio practicing, and many of us can't shake our kids off any more than we could shake off a case of hives; they ended up seeing it before it was ready, and there were a couple of times where they got to critique our progress.  (I will never forget the day that one of the 12 year old girls - higher level hip hop - was showing us how we can make it bigger and better.  And as she is a great little dancer; we took it in!)

So as the season progressed, and our surprise out the window, we we committed.  No turning back.
When we were asked if we actually wanted to compete the number, many of us said, "Hell yeah!"  But again, not sure we all thought this one through.

But still, here we are, reveling in how far we have come.

Last night was our last official practice.  Our teacher changed a few more things for us, and worked on area's where we are 'loose'.  God, I love that man!!!

You want to know character and intergity?  It's a man who promises to see it through with you; builds you up (even though he had many many chances to tear us apart).  A man who inspires you and encourages you!!

I'm sure his vision was a bit more "sharp" than what we are able to perform at our level.  But not once  did he say, "Well....it's as good as it's gonna get!"

Now, I am NOT knocking us.  Because to be honest, I am so proud of how far we come.  But when you put yourself SO FAR out of your comfort zone....and then throw yourself in front of a competition that will be judged.....well, let's just say we get kudos no matter what!!!

I am SUPER proud of all us women.  But more than anything I love them all!!  What courage!  What a great example!  What a great role model!  We ladies have bonded through this whole experience and become much closer as a result of this.  I am honored to be standing up there with each one of them!!

This morning as I pack my costume (all pieces including accessories), I will be going through the routine in my mind, making sure I remember the sequence and the intention of each move.

Though I know we will be nervous, I know our kids will be in the audience cheering so loudly that we won't really care about anything else (except finishing it nicely.....).

It's going to be a weekend well-deserved.  Part fun, part competition ,and the rest; relaxing!!!!

Good luck to all at Competition this weekend!

MVD....PAC..... You KNOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!

Happy Friday!

Parent's PLEASE.......

I keep thinking I will write a blog about our new foray into Ballet and the Ballet world.  I have so much to learn and am not quite sure where to start.  I had to ask what a "variation" was the other day and I felt like an idiot.  But as I have been a passive parent in regards to my childrens' dancing, it's no wonder I'm clueless.

Learning terminology is one thing; but learning about behaviors is totally different. Thankfully I have a pretty good foundation at the school of parents  that I can trust and who are not afraid to confide in me.

Recently we were 'gifted' privates and lessons from a very talented ballerina.  We are very excited about the opportunity. 

The other day, my daughters private was with another dancer who was a bit more advanced.  Neither child seemed to mind their ability-difference and enjoyed the private.

But the other parent was less than thrilled that her daughter was paired with another child.  And she seemed further perturbed that there was such a skill difference.

Now, I don't fault anyone for their opinion.  She is entitled.  What I take issue with is the fact that she said this in front of my child, leaving my child feeling a little awkward. 

Now, parents, PLEASE.....for the love of Pete (whoever he may be). .... PLEASE be aware of little ears in your presence.

I can't do anything about how this woman feels about what went down.  But if you know me at all....it's VERY hard for me to not address this to her directly. 

The thing that rubbed me more than anything is these lessons are a GIFT!!!!!  I'm so thankful for the opportunity, that frankly, I don't care if it's a private with 200 other kids!!!  (True, it wouldnt' be a private, but you get my point).

I know as my kids get older, they hear me talk all the time.  So it's harder to disseminate where I should draw the line in my conversations with them, or what they overhear.  But this scenario was pretty cut and dry.

And as children have the innate ability to blame themselves when parents are unhappy....well, you do the math.

These kids are developing and need to be built up.  Not criticised for something they have no control over.

Am I perfect? NO!  But this situation made me even MORE aware that I need to look around before I issue my complaints.

As with any gift; if you aren't happy, you may return it.  But please don't complain about it!!!  It's something you wouldn't have had in the first place. And if all else fails....you can always buy your own gift........

Happy Thursday

Done deal....

So, it's official.  I talked to my bosses and they granted me a leave of absence.  I work between two territories, so I report to two different people even though only one of them is my 'boss'.

Both will be affected by my leave, so I called them each to explain my request.

I hate having to make tough decisions, but the truth is, as soon as I was off the phone, I felt this sense of peace wash over me.  I knew I made the right decision at that very moment.  They were so supportive and fair with me.  I basically called pulling the rug out from under them and they handled me with kid gloves.  Wow.... Thank you for that!!!

On some level I feel like it was a crazy move.  On the other hand I felt like "what are you waiting for?"  And the truth is, it's been a long time brewing....  I just didn't realize how much.

However, now that my decision has been made, there is no turning back.

I have plans this summer to get "me" back.  My goal is to put a plan in place that will better help me manage the craziness of my life.

I need to manage my photography business, my children, my house and my health.  Each one of those is going to have to be closely examined to maximize my time.  I know that I have been mis managing things and the proof was in the pudding when the vertigo hit.

My health should be first on the list.  I have plans to go to meetings and group up with friends to work out.  Summer is the best time to take advantage the great outdoors.  I may even take up a new sport.  Who knows. 

Suddenly, I feel the sky is the limit, and I'm really excited.

I can dedicate focused time while being available for my kids. 

My daughter has been offered some privates for ballet and I was farming out the driving to which ever grandma was available.  I would get stressed at the thought of asking someone to take care of my child for me when it should be my responsibility.

When Aspen reminded me we have practice this Thursday, my heart stopped for a minute to think, "How will I get her there...?"  And then I realized I will  now be available for her.  I actually smiled at her and said, "No problem, we'll be there!"

Being a mom is a gift from God.  And fortunately,  I have been blessed with healthy, kind, caring kids.  I sat across from Aspen yesterday as she was getting ready for dance and she looked so grown up.  She was putting her hair in a bun, wrapping, tucking, pinning....and I just stared.  Finally, she looked at me and said, "What?" 

I said, it's weird seeing you so self sufficient.  It wasn't long ago that I held her in my arms at the mall and she watched a kid go where he wasn't supposed to.  She said "Mommy....he's going in the hnow.... (snow....she couldn't quite put the S and N together)....  And I said, "That's okay"  to which she said, "MACK him mommy....."  (Smack)  

Apparently she felt the kid needed a spanking.  I remember that moment like it was yesterday.  And he she sits putting herself together so she can put her pointe shoes on and dance for a few hours.

Weird.....  Just weird......

Time is most definitely precious.  And it does go so fast. 

I'm thankful to have this summer to catch up and refocus. 

I got a call from an old friend yesterday who heard about my decision.  And he gave me tons of advice on how to refocus, because he is going through the same thing in his life.  We commiserated on points and collaborated on others.  He was proud of me and offered his support as well.

I will do my best to make the most of this summer.  Hopefully, all the planets will align and I will come back better than ever!

Happy Wednesday (and Happy 4th)

Everythings great......until it's not.....

What is your limit? 

If someone were to ask you that, would you be able to give them a concrete answer?

I'm guessing for most of us the answer is no.

You don't know it until it becomes apparent to you.

Well, 'Apparency' has hit me in the face.

Things can only go out of balance for so long.  As I try to learn from life and my experiences, I try to stay in tune with the messages that are whispered in my ear.   Or smacking me in the face.

Sadly, this one smacked me in the face.

As I have been sitting at rehearsals and recitals over the last few weeks, I have been absorbed in everything but me.  Kind of typical of a mom, I agree.  But everything has a cost.

With my weight loss journey, I realized I was taking care of every one else, or nothing at all.  Sometimes both, simultaneously.  As I started losing weight, I started taking more time for myself (good wholesome care for me time) and I started realizing that my time was actually benefiting my family.

Now, it's hard to think what times is best served for your family.
Is it time exercising? Working? Cleaning the  house?  Who knows.  For some people it's all of the above.

But for me, what I thought was benefiting my family, kind of wasn't.  So the scales started tipping in the 'unbalanced' range.

Lately, something has been tugging at me really deep.  And I keep getting external messages that support it.  The truth is, I don't know how to proceed with it. 

Well, this week, I kind of got my answer.

I have to go on FAITH........

Faith is something you feel in your heart and soul, but can't see.  I have been fighting my feelings for a while.  But this weekend, when I had my attack of vertigo, I realized that I'm seriously ignoring my inner feelings.  And the force is strong with this one (taken from Star Wars), so I have to make a change.

I'm pulling out of my WW meetings for a while until I can get back on track.  It was literally decided in the last 48 hours.  I haven't been able to give my members 100 % of me and that is not fair to them.  In the past, I was happy to be there and couldn't wait to get to work.  But in recent months, I am literally sandwiching my next event into my meetings.  I haven't had time to exercise regularly, or clean my house, or get my other work done and it's finally biting me in the backside!

I bought my mom a ticket for the recital this weekend and told her the WRONG DAY!!!  To me that was a huge symptom of losing it.  The Vertigo was the final final.......

So, I made a call to my boss(es) and asked for a personal leave of absence.  NOT an easy decision to make.  I have never done that before.  But then again, I have never had a house, two dogs, a husband, two children with VERY demanding schedules and two jobs to juggle.....

I think the most important thing in life is to realize when to say when.   Sometimes we get smacked in the face, but the truth is, more often than not, it starts out as a whisper.  And more often than not, we ignore the whispers until they are blaring shouting messages that we can't deny!!!

I guarantee Heart Attacks give small symptoms that are ignored all the time.

Life is the same way!!!

Some people take their past and use it as ammunition in their life.  They use their past as an excuse to not move forward. 
But the truth is, we are here to learn.  When something happens if we don't learn from it, we are stuck.  Life is about lessons.  They aren't all pleasant.  But they are worth while. 

I read once that people either blame in...or out....  I tend to blame in.  I can't control other people.  No one can.  If you think you are, you are fooling yourself, or creating a relationship that will fail.  We can only control ourselves and our own actions.  We can only be an example to those around us. It's up to you if you choose to be a good example or a bad one.  But you can only control yourself.

I do a lot of talking in my head.  My personal belief is that I yell at my kids all the time.  But my friends tell me it's not true.  I guess I'm doing a good job then of controlling myself, because if they heard what was in my head, I'd be in big trouble!!

But it's a constant struggle to remember to be the better guy.  As I grow, I realize more and more about people and I see the choices they make.  I can see when someone is losing their grip, they scream louder and more often....like a child who just lost their favorite toy.

Sometimes you just have to let go.   And sometimes when you let go, you will find peace. 

I want to find peace.  I'm taking steps in that direction, and I'm hoping those around me will benefit. 

I haven't been at my best lately.   It's time to get myself back.

I hope I have your support.  However, if I don't....there is nothing I can do about it.... :( 


Happy Tuesday.

Endings and beginnings

We did it!  Got through all the rehearsals and all the shows.  I even shot and danced through vertigo.  I am pretty impressed with myself on that one!!!

It was a very emotional good bye.  The seniors knew it was their last recital and it was very apparent that this second home of theirs means a lot!

It's so hard to close a chapter of your life and move forward.  We are so comfortable in the "now" that we can't fathom what the future has to hold.

These girls are part of the fabric of the studio.  I have watched them grow for the last 8 years I have been there and I have photographed them every year!  To think about not seeing them around tugs at my heartstrings. 

That said, I want to reflect back on the good examples they have been to the many children at MVDance!! 

Last year, Aspen got Emma as a "big sister" and she was over the moon about it. 

These girls have been caring, compassionate, kind, encouraging, responsible and inspiring.  Many of the kids look up to them, and I can honestly say they haven't been let down. 

It's been a great run with these girls and I'm thankful that I have been a part of their lives as well.

Some are staying close to home, while others are traveling quite a distance.

But one thing I have seen at this school is, they tend to come back!!!

I have seen many students come back year after year to visit.  Life goes on, but you never forget where you came from.  And the fact that these kids come back says a lot about the studio and what a quality place it is.  A place they are welcome to visit any time with open arms!!

Last night for the finale bow, Jena honored to founder of the studio, Joy Hewitt.  It was so nice to see where it all started.  And to see her accept her flowers on stage, realizing how her legacy has continued and grown brought tears to my eyes.

It was a great week and a great night.  Everything fell into place and turned out beautifully!!!

Next, we are on to Nationals...... And then hopefully, my summer can start!!!

Happy Monday!

wants and needs

I think I'm walking straighter today!  But let me tell you, once you tell someone your ailment, if they know someone who has suffered like you, you will hear about it!  And you know what I learned???  I am NOT alone!!!
Vertigo is NOT uncommon and the bottom line is there is NO CURE!!  It's something that can flare up with no provocation (that I'm aware of anyway) and who knows how long it can last.

I had so much support yesterday, and I really want to thank everyone who gave me a shoulder to walk on to keep me straight.  The recital went well.

As I have already shot the cast's I am just getting filler shots, so that is a good thing.  I didn't have to stress as much as earlier this week.

I laughed at one point yesterday, because I was sitting next to someone who had to work an 8 hour day after only getting a few hours of sleep because he was celebrating a friends birthday.  As I was sitting there, spinning every which way, I looked at him and couldn't help but laugh.  It truly is ALL RELATIVE!!!

We were both suffering for different reasons.  His was self-imposed and mine was out of my control. 

I swear; the irony of life gets me every time.

I looked at him and I told him, I would REALLY like to feel sorry for you right now, but I just don't have it in me because I'm struggling to stay upright! 

It was actually comical.    And it made me think of all the stupid times I've made choices that impacted me physically, and wore my body down because I didn't take the time "in the moment" to realize how I would suffer later!

I was telling Julie last night how every time I get this Vertigo, I feel I will never be normal again. 

Ever feel that way? 

I remember when my dad was really sick with cancer.  He said something that hit me like a ton of bricks...."I just want to go out and drive my car."  Of course at this time I think he knew he would never drive it again. 

It made me realize how we tend to take things for granted because we are so "in our own moment" that we don't realize that we have so many little things to be thankful for.

Every time my vertigo clears, I go back to blowing off workouts, because "I'll do it tomorrow".  Yesterday I would have walked 100 miles if someone lifted the dizzy out of my brain! 

Crazy huh?  We are a strange bunch of creatures.

What other animal do you know that goes and runs it's head into a tree because running fast is fun???
Sure, running is fun....but you forget to think about the trees in your path....

Anyway, yes I'm going off on a tangent(see blog title), but I'm probably yelling at myself more than anyone else.

I'm thankful I'm feeling at least a bit improved today.  But as my lovely chiropractor told me yesterday, strengthen yourself and you will feel much better!! 

So that is my goal. 

I won't take my health for granted.  I will work towards becoming stronger.  Because I can!

I will tap back into these moments of debilitation and remind myself, I have a choice.

I don't know why we blow off what we "need" for what we "want".  Especially when what we "want" has a consequence. 

I'll be thinking about that a heck of a lot more in the future.  And I will appreciate every day I can stand up straight and walk a staight line!

Happy Sunday